Sunday, October 19, 2014

Mourning Dove

Early morn, I am sitting on the patio watching the sun rise on my last day here. I hear her call. She has been calling every day now since I have entered this beautiful place. The dove, singing her mournful, yet enchanting song. Today I heard him, calling back to her, answering, "Here!  Here I am, my love."

She stops for a moment to listen, then her calls come faster, excited, uplifted. I imagine what she is telling him.  "Oh, how I've waited for you. Where have you been, what adventures have you had while we were searching for one another?"

"Time, love, a lifetime to share. For now let me wrap my wings around you and melt into the comfort of your warmth. I've been searching so long."

So I find myself alone on this balcony,  blissfully peaceful,  the sun risen, the air becoming hot and steamy, the ocean sparkling beneath the azure sky, reflecting.

And then, a gift.

They fly past. On the palm below me, they light and sit, side by side, nuzzling and preening one another.
A smile brightens my face as I could swear I see him fold his wing around her and draw her closer.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Something So Strong

There is a lot to post from this week, but since I am using my phone to type, I'll just record a quick thought and post the rest when I get home.

Today was such a beautiful day. I went for a long walk on the beach by myself. Right as I entered the beach, trying to decide which direction to go in, a dragonfly approached me and turned me to the left.  I immediately thought of Chip. As I walked, I spoke to him, told him I wished he were here with me. The dragonfly reappeared at that exact moment and followed me  along the beach for a while, hovering very close,  right beside me. I know it was him. I felt so loved and safe at that moment. He was there with me.

The beach felt like home today. I had several inspiring thoughts and emotions, making me feel uplifted and anticipating the future. Its a good feeling. Something good is on its way.

Bring it on, baby!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Two Years

Two years,  my love. It seems like just yesterday some days, a million lifetimes ago, others. And time moves on here. The sun rises, the stars fall, renewing their life cycles, as we shall also. There will always be us. You will find me again, next time, this time, that time,  every time.

Two years of stumbles,  victories, pain and joy. My journey. Your journey. Our journey. We are one. I love you. Always.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Can I handle the seasons of my life? Stevie Nicks asked that question many years ago. Whatever the true inspiration for her story was, I have my own version. My own translation. The seasons of my life? Yes. Doesn't the bible even speak of there being a time for each event in our lives? And remember, my friends, that time is not really linear. That is all an illusion. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter? Only if that is how we choose to view it. We tend to speak of being in the Fall of our lives when we find ourselves in middle age, yet that seems to be a terrible death sentence to me. Like we are marking time, counting down, pulling pages off a finite calendar. And some day we will pluck off that last page, and say to ourselves " oh shit, where have the days gone?".  Time and reality is only as we make it. We get to choose. Today, I was sitting on the patio, in the cold, watching the storms come in. The rain began to pour down, the thunder clapped and the lightening streaked across the sky, cold breeze blowing mist into the room, chilling me. My thoughts turned to you, and others. I get to choose. Do I feel sad because it is a cold, rainy, lonely day and I am missing you, and thinking of others, who could be sharing my adventure with me, others, who are living their own illusions, good or bad? Or do I jump up, inspired, and run to my computer and write? I've not been nudged by anyone just yet this moment, but my own self says to come in here and write. Perhaps the nudge shall come later. Or perhaps (a most welcome thought) you did nudge me, secretly, you little scamp!

See, I've lived out the winter. The last that I will ever accept again. We've been granted this lifetime to explore, to discover, to learn. Being afraid, depressed, stagnant, it does us no good. Oh, for a moment it will, to help us discover those broken parts of ourselves that we are now being inspired to mend. And in that healing, we shall be able to help others, should they accept it. And I shall have some winter days again. And again. As they are needed, to remind me of lessons needing learned, wounds needing healed, forgiveness needing given and received. But I will not allow those days to swallow me, to take me under, for the landslide to bring me down. I choose. And I choose the sunshine. THE LIGHT. My days shall be full of warmth, light, cool breezes rustling the leaves on the trees, swaying the golden wheat heads in the fields.

If we create our own reality, then why don't we realize it and make it one hell of a good one? Well, for my part, it has taken me a while, and some circumstances, to wake me up and inspire me to begin this journey with awareness. And of course, that is when the tests and the healing really begin to make sense (sometimes) and have meaning. To really get my attention and make me understand that this is not something that is happening to me but rather for me. And most excitedly, that I have been the one orchestrating the tests all along. "Cin", my higher self must be whispering to me, "you are ready to go out and meet others like you, who are floundering in their own confusion and indecision, and to use your experiences to help them, just as others have helped you to understand." "But..." I argue with my higher self, " I am no one. What do I know, and who will listen to me? Who am I to be able to inspire others, to help them to heal?"

"You are an infinite, powerful being of light and love",  my higher self whispers back. " As we all are. Show them. Show them that there is more to life than being sad and miserable and lonely. Show them that we are all one. That we are meant to live, to love, to be happy and prosperous. We are never too old, nor are we too young, to learn. You have many teachers guiding you, as do they. Some realize this, others are still asleep. Don't you see why you are being driven to write, to teach? It is for you, every bit as much as it is for them. We are all in this together. The ones we love and cherish, and the ones who seem to get on our very last nerves. All One. Mirrors of ourselves and what we most need to learn and work on. Remember, Cin, faith, trust and patience. All that you desire is barreling toward you now, as we speak, gleefully awaiting your discovery, so that you may begin living the reality that is your dearest dream, your birthright."

And I come back to my own thoughts, watching my fingers flying across the keyboard, a smile pulling at my lips. This feeling inside. One of excitement. Anticipation. A tug at my heart. You have heard me calling out. Both of you. My beloved mate, and now guide, and the other one. There are so many powerful forces calling to me. Is this what it is like? When people are called to serve, to enter the priesthood, become nuns, chaplains, monks, healers, doctors, writers, actors, whatever the calling. This pulling, tugging at the heart. Not for fame and fortune, nor recognition, but just, well, peace. Peace for your own heart, and peace for the hearts of all that you touch in the process.

You can choose to make your lives miserable, or a struggle. Always chasing the dollar. Always feeling as if you are getting older, and weaker and less and less and less. Or you can choose to see that this is your adventure. You are the author. You are the hero. If you think it, you will become it. Don't think of yourself as old, poor, lonely, unlovable. You are young at heart, and your body will follow that lead, you are prosperous, you are popular and loved. You do not need to be punished for any self-perceived sins. Your birthright, all of ours, is to be happy. Wake up and see it.

Live your adventure. Do things that scare you. Ride that bull. Walk on hot coals. Shamelessly go after that which your heart desires. Trust, believe, allow. Have faith. He will come.

Last night, coming home from grief group, after dinner, Bonnie and I went to K-Mart. Right there before us, appeared a rainbow. And then Bonnie said, "look, another one!", and yes, a double rainbow. Only the second I have seen in person. The first being the day before my beloved passed on to the next step of his adventure. And now. What is the meaning to me? Next week it will be two years. Has it something to do with that? I don't think so, especially since I don't believe that time means much, especially over there. Was it a sign? Of course, I can interpret it any way I want to. Create my own story. But I really would like to know if it were meant to be a specific sign to me. A hello from you? A sign from the universe that all is well? That he is on his way? Did he see it too and think of me? And what did it mean to each and every other person who witnessed it? Did they receive their messages as well? I hope so. I hope that they each understood exactly what they were meant to from this and felt overjoyed with peace and happiness. And perhaps I will be blessed with an indisputable realization of what the meaning for me is.

So, I have decided that I am going to create the reality of perpetual spring for myself. New life, beauty, warmth, lushness, all abound. As I have said before, I realize that without the darkness we cannot truly know the light, and that is fine, for each experience is a lesson toward our growth and evolution. Even in the spring we have storms, but always the promise after of a warm, wonderful, beautiful existence. And sometimes, sometimes, a beautiful rainbow. Or two.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Remains, Dont Stop Believing, And Destiny

Should have posted this a few days ago, but just getting around to it. Really, just another memory journal for me. Went to see The Remains at Memories Supper Club on Saturday and it was great fun. Anyone who reads this blog knows the importance of The Remains in my life, as their concerts seem to mark really memorable events for me. So we listened. And we danced. And on the break, I asked Pete if they were going to play Don't Stop Believing. He said they would for me. So after a bit, he called out to the crowd, " Is Cindy still here? "  So I raised my hands and woo-hoo'd and they played my song. And we got up and danced again, and I danced my heart out. It felt like they were playing just for me, and I looked right into Pete's eyes and sang along with him, and I knew that he understood that this was a special song for me. So even more memories were formed that night. I feel an almost sadness thinking about Blue Ash and The Remains and the past two years. So much happiness came from those nights, yet some pain too. How things change. But, really, lots of great memories and lessons learned. And potential futures, too. Be patient. Allow and welcome.

Love You Guys!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

What Is So Freaking Hard About This, Or, AUGHHHHHHHHHH

Ack! WTF!  Why why why cant I make up my mind? Why am I so torn? Really, I need to just turn my back and walk away from this situation. Just forget about it for a little while. Rest. Relax. Rejuvenate. It will all be there when I decide to return to reality, and what is meant to be will be. God, I so want to just run away to Florida and never look back. But there are properties to be sold, as well as equipment and animals and dreams. Dreams. Lost and found, then lost again. But not nightmares, no, not that. Still dreams, still good, even along with the pain. Still all the good memories. Memories of those wonderful moments in spacetime. Why can't I just forget? Others can. Just forget and walk away and move on. But there is more to it than that. Those dreams wont let go of my heart. Not these dreams. And I know the difference, because there are so many that I have walked away from. Never to be thought of again. So I know that there is a reason that they have this hold on me. They are meant to be a part of my life. If not, they would dissolve, just like other dreams long cast aside and forgotten. No these dreams are meant to be awakened. Just like the horses. From the beginning of my memory, I have always loved horses. They always have and always will be a part of me. So is this dream. These dreams. To write. To help. To serve. To heal. To love. To live a life of adventure. All of them, calling me at the same time. Each one demanding my attention. Remember what I have said in the early posts- I have the rest of my life. Things will happen when they are meant to, not a moment sooner. And again, as I mentioned, maybe I needed to be introduced to some ideas, experience some things just to know that they are out there. They aren't just yet ready for me, but they will be soon, and then I will be ready for them. They won't let go of my heart, because they are not meant to.

Walk softly. Those words just popped into my head. Not sure what they mean, but I am sure that I will become aware of their significance soon. Walk softly, in beauty. Ok, I know what it is telling me. Start living in Grace. Allow. Be. Force and strength and might will not win this prize. I can be as soft as the yearling doe. This will be difficult for me because I have come to have the need to close off my heart like a steel vault. AAAAAHHHH. That is the battle. The fight is between my psyche and my soul. One calling out to my destiny, the other pushing away in fear of being hurt. THAT'S why I can't make up my mind. Fear. And the opposite of fear is LOVE. The two cannot exist in tandem. One or the other, Cin. Which shall it be?

Walk softly, walk with courage. Courage to overcome the fear. Remember, I am an infinite, powerful awesome spirit. Nothing can hurt me, unless I allow the illusion that it can. Be brave, dear one. Swallow the fear and step boldly in the direction of  your dreams. Walk through that fire. On the other side is your paradise.

So many dreams. So many choices. But all of them will lead me to home. To my destiny. Whether I sell and move, or stay here, write that book, hone my skills, give my lectures, train my horses, walk on fire, find my true love and second soul mate, all things will take me just where I need to be. To the right place in the right time.

Listening to A Thousand Years. That song always gets me too. And somehow, I know. I awoke one morning last week with that song in my head and some ideas ( remnants from a lucid dream ) in my heart. A sign. Don't be afraid. I instantly knew it was a sign.  As painful as it sometimes is, I am in awe of and loving this dance of our souls, all of us, in this lifetime. We are all connected. We are all one. We each have our purpose together. I honor each and every one of you that walks alongside me.

Now I intend to make up my mind and go on that adventure!!!!   Ride with me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Aha! Got It.

Been thinking about this one lately. Actually had this down to post last week, but haven't taken the time to really think into it. Now it is ready to be said. Another cryptic one, meant just for me as a reminder.

Remember, remember. Intuition is our friend. It is our security system. How many times have you gotten that feeling that something just wasn't quite right? Did you heed that warning? Did you ignore it? What were the results? And did you even realize what was going on?

Right now mine is confusing me. On one hand it is telling me "NOT-RIGHT", but also my inner guide is whispering ( or my soul is telling me) that it shall be so. Is that part just wishful thinking? Because I think it is what I really want? Therein lies the confusion. I go back and forth between not wanting to do it, for all those reasons, and really wanting it because it is speaking to my soul, loudly.  Either way, the best is yet to be, whether it goes the way I have wished for, or in another direction. So, again, the thing to do is have patience and faith. I am wondering if the "NOT-RIGHT" warning is saying "not right now", but perhaps will be a large neon sign flashing "OK-RIGHT" in the future. So my reticence at this moment could be true for the time. And in time, things could be the right time for this dream. When all the details fall into place and everything is ready, everyone is ready, the Universe will conspire to make this come true, and it will be the most wonderful and awesome thing to ever happen to us.

Yes, this idea feels most comfortable to me. It explains why I have both the attraction and the repulsion to this situation. Why my intuition continues to remind me of the notrightness of it, and my soul continues to offer me hope and inspiration about it. The situation was introduced to me, to get me thinking in that direction, readying myself for the wonderful adventure yet to come, testing me with lessons needing learned before the time actually is right for this. And it is important that I remember that I must not push, or be impatient. I must allow. The Universe has my back. If I am correct in my hypothesis, then all the pieces of this puzzle will come together and fit perfectly and the resulting picture will be absolutely beautiful. All the chapters of the book will come together to form the perfect story, joyful throughout, with the happiest of endings.

I trust that, whatever, whoever, whenever, the most wonderful, exciting, loving part of my life is beginning. Thanks and gratitude to the universe and God!