Fear, Then Heal

Ok. Why am I so afraid today? Terrified. I understand.  I am processing some old hurts, purging the pain, learning from mistakes (my own and others), and healing. It is midnight. I spent an entire day in a panic over something that does not exist. Yet I allowed it to appear real to me. The demons clawed through my shield and set up residence in my mind, wreaking havoc, invoking insecurity. Maybe. But maybe it is a gift from the Universe, a learning experience, an opportunity to heal this wounded aspect of my soul. Ah, Grasshopper,  well done. You have recognized the fact that you are processing old hurts. Purging them once and for all from your heart. That must be why this came from out of the blue. Everything is well for me, so I have no reason to fear, so the fear came forward of its own volition,  in order to facilitate my processing,  purging, and healing. IT CAME TO ME because the time was right to experience this healing and the resultant peace that I have so longed for. Thank you,  thank you, thank you. I am grateful. Now I can finally begin to move forward in faith. I forgive (you) and myself. I am ready to let go of the pain, and everything it represents. I accept the lesson in this experience. I pray that I have learned all I need to from this, and that now I can have that which I most desire. LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS. And give the same back with all my heart and soul. I love you.

Where Has The Time Gone?

Today it is 18 months. One year and a half that you have been out of your physical body. Is that why I am having such a hard time today? Or is it perhaps the full blood moon and eclipse that is causing my anxiety and confusion? I feel very needy and insecure today. Can I admit that I am feeling lost and unloved? I so long to have someone by my side right now, to hold me and let me rest my head on his shoulder. To let me know that everything is going to be ok. That I am not alone. I know you are still here. That you walk beside me. I can just imagine the look on your face right now as you watch me type these words, tears streaming. It hurts you to see me hurt. I long to feel your arms around me. Do you know how much I long to have that love again? I know. Today I want to be weak. To have someone who will be my strength. I want him to not be put off by the fact that I am sometimes needy and insecure and weak. To just love me and hold me and protect me and let me know that I am not alone and never will be alone, that I am safe. I want my heart to be safe.

God, I miss you. There is a lot more that I want to say, but not here. Meet me in that place of ours. Please. I need your love and guidance.  And I need him. And I know that you sent him. The one that I fell in love with. I need to fall in love again, to be joyous and free and secure. Please come to me. Be everything that I need. I long for that romance.

My love, please send me strength. Allow me to be happy, loved and secure. You are in my heart and soul for eternity. We are and always will be one.

Determined- A New Me, A New Hope

Ok, here we are, and for the first time in months I feel stronger, more hopeful for a life of meaning. This has been quite a challenging season. A season of my life. Since October of 2012, no even longer, since Chip got sick, life has been a struggle. To survive. To heal. To grow. I have used this blog as a journal, to show my progress, my challenges, my lessons, pain and healing. To be an example for others. You can see how I have spent the last year and a half, the ups and downs. There are so many lessons, so much emotion, so much life and love contained in these pages. I truly never imagined that I could ever feel so deeply. Hurt so much. Be so lost and confused. And then be so inspired, loved, hopeful, energized. Life is so full of ups and downs. And right now, I feel him. He is right here beside me. And I know that I have not lost. Such a hard battle. But I have not lost. Who would have thought that this experience would have brought me here. To all of this. Losing my soul mate. Contemplating the meaning of continuing on alone. Struggling through the decisions. A new love. New heartbreak. Resurrection. All the time learning, learning, learning. Pain is a part of life, but oh, how I am ready for the peace again. Yes, I am strong. I was told today that I am to be reminded of how strong I actually am. That I have gone through a lot that others may not have handled as well. And I am tired. My heart hurts for quiet, peace, love. And now I also know that Chip is ok with me wanting love again. I knew he was, but I am so glad he confirmed it. To be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a whole again. My soul has been crying out for this. And I have felt him there. And yet felt lost and confused as well. So maybe now I will find clarity. I feel it. The confusion ( read: desperation) made me over think and try too hard. Remember to relax, and let the Universe send me that which it will, that which I need. Have faith.

And I can be an inspiration for others, perhaps. Teach them. Help them to heal. But first I must proceed to heal myself. For many months now I have been lost. Stepped off my path. First because I was enjoying myself. Then because I was doubting myself. Then because I was rejecting life. I hope that I have learned this lesson. And I feel that I have, or at least am well on the way to doing it. After today, I have a new vision of the events of the past few months. Of the emotions I have had and why. And now I need to absorb all of it and allow it to heal my heart. I understand, I understand! No more questioning. And as I digest this knowledge, the lesson will be learned. And what fantastic rewards await!

So once I have worked on myself, I can start to lead others. Already I can see this. A couple of weeks ago I was led to join a church group for a lunch. It was fate. I sat at a table with two fellow widows, and learned of a grief group that the church sponsored. Made a wonderful new friend, quite a few, in fact. It's been a while since I have noticed synchronicity working on my behalf. I feel as if I am back on track. I have to stop being afraid. What will be will be. Once I can relax and allow, life will begin to flow to me again. And it is about time.