A Quick Post Before A Good Night

Tonight I feel incredibly grounded and at peace. Chip is by my side and I had a wonderful, encouraging, comforting conversation. And David, my dear David has come to my rescue yet again.
He showed up with my tire all repaired and put it on the tractor for me. You know, he has been looking out for me lately, and I really like it. He is all concerned about getting the garage all cleaned out so that I can get the Mustang in there for the winter and won't have to worry about scraping ice and snow. Hmmmmm. Who else used to worry about that? He knows how hard it was for me Saturday and I know he understands. Do you know how good it feels to know someone cares about you?

And the conversation tonight gave me some great insight. I think I feel better and better about the whole situation. I hadn't looked at things that way, and it makes a lot of sense. And it also makes me look forward to the future with open arms and open heart. I am being directed to close this post and go relax. I believe some insight is forthcoming and I should go and prepare to receive.

Sending light and positive energy to all. All of your dearest dreams for the greatest good will come true and we shall all rejoice together in our victory.

Love and Light !

Inspiration (In-Spirit)

I usually don't show the real me to people, at least not until we have known one another for quite a long while. It is easier to allow people to think that I am quiet and not very deep. I don't discuss religion or politics, don't like to participate in debate of any kind. Therefore, people may think that I am, at the least, uninformed or disinterested, at the more extreme, possibly, unintelligent. Really doesn't matter. It is very difficult to share what is in my heart. Not necessarily because I don't care to share, but mostly because most others do not understand, or care to understand. This makes it very difficult at times, to live in my truth. So many times when I am "nudged" with information, the inspiration strikes to share. However, when I try to explain my thoughts, feelings and experiences to others, they tend to look at me as if I have sprouted an extra head which has begun spewing obscenities at them.

In living authentically, I have become more open, tentatively, with certain people, feeling them out, so to speak. But generally, the people that I know personally and see often do not know the inner dimensions of my heart and soul. I also know that part of my purpose on this path is to change that. To summon my courage and to share my inspirations with all beings. I believe that as I become more and more accepting of this fact, and more and better prepared, the insights and inspirations will become stronger, sharper, more regular , easier to understand and interpret, and will flow more smoothly. It is getting close to that time for my self created veil of ignorance to unravel and expose the truth behind the veil.

And in looking back at my posts, I can follow my own evolution, and the times I perceived that I had fallen back. I now know that there is never a time when we go backwards. We are always, constantly moving forward. These moments are just points in which we are  beginning a new lesson, a new way of experiencing, a new chance to overcome a certain obstacle and move to the next stage of our journey. We may perceive it as going backwards, but truly it is just a new beginning, an opening for forward motion.

Some days I am deeply inspired, others no words will come and I am left grasping, trying to fill the page and explain my feelings. I am beginning to realize that at those times, when I felt like the Universe and Spirit had abandoned me, that actually, I was just in a period of rest, gearing up for the next step on the path. And the fact that most of these steps are seemingly small and "unimpressive" allowed them for the most part to enter my mind unconsciously. I really only have acknowledged the larger, more obvious insights, the times that I received signs,  nudges, channelings, messages, etc. That is when I truly felt the connection to Source and Spirit, and felt like I was truly on the correct path. And of course, the big things have only happened occasionally, so the rest of the time I have felt left out. Now I know and understand that this form of thinking is incorrect. All is flowing smoothly, as it should, in the appropriate time and place. If not for the "dry" times, I would not recognize and appreciate the blessings I am receiving. Yes, I truly love these moments when that peace washes over me and I begin to receive insights and advice, to feel that great connection to Spirit and Chip. And even though, still, the words that I want to express do not always come, words that can truly convey the meaning of the "feelings, insights and thought forms" that I am receiving, I have a deep knowing that, in time, they shall.

Be Inspired

Post Two, Reflections On A Week Gone By

Last Friday night, fantastic concert, good friends, White Tiger messaged me, met some new friends, felt loved and needed. Saturday, flirt with new friends, campfire and s'mores and margaritas ( really don't go well with marshmallows) with Bonnie. Sunday, more of the same and helping Gregory set up a profile on the dating site. Work week, busy. Ella and Reagan there to play with. Friday, super busy at work. Hopping. Success. Satisfaction. Last night, Friday night. Boring! Where the heck did everyone go? And now we are back to today. And so far David has come over to help me and get me motivated. We pulled the trailer up to the house and now I can go out and start loading it up with junk. Oh, but it is really hot out there and maybe its just better to rest up for tomorrow. Clean the house. Read. Meditate.

The other thing about the week past is that I have felt really connected. If you read this blog you have noticed that I have not posted as often as usual. That's because I have been doing so many other things and been concentrating on connecting rather than writing. Really, I am just following the guidance I have been receiving. This weekend is shaping up to be one of those "go inside yourself and reflect" kind of weekends. I just got a nudge to take out my metal detector and have some fun. Maybe that means there is some treasure to uncover.

I believe that I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. The concepts are there, but I can't seem to put them into words. It feels like I am straddling a fence, one leg on each side and I can go either way. I really want to express my feelings here, but maybe they are too personal to share right now. Maybe best saved for my private journal and perhaps that one special friend ( ok two special friends ) that way I can get a male and female perspective. But recently I have discovered that I am learning to follow my heart and have been receiving guidance as to how to proceed. At this moment, it is fairly quiet and gentle. I take that to mean that I am doing ok. I believe that if something important needs to happen, my guides will get my attention, and help me find the right direction. The important thing is just to settle in and enjoy the ride. Not be attached to any certain outcomes. And that is what I had been guilty of previously. And now that I have released my attachments, I feel so much more at peace and things seem to be flowing more smoothly. OK, I have finally admitted to myself that my mystery Civil War cowboy (  General McHottie ) is not likely to ever cross my path again. But the fantasy was fun. And more importantly, what ever would I do with him if I got him?
So, yes, things are flowing well for me now. Letting go and allowing are hard things to do, but once you do that, things start to come to you. Remember this, Cin. Listen to the guidance. Universe, I AM ready to receive all the gifts you have in store for me. I trust You.

Many Thanks

Thank you David for being such a good friend. You came out today in the unbearable heat and helped me get some things done that I could not have done without your help. And you discovered the flat on the tractor. Are you kidding me! Well, now both tires will be fixed and hopefully stay up from now on. Thank you for the encouragement. This is really hard. Going through all of this scrap and old tools and equipment. Now I can start tossing stuff on the trailer, get the old shed cleaned out and ready for demolition. I feel Chip looking over my shoulder right now. He is letting me know that it is ok. He knows how hard this is for me, and why.

So thank you, my friend. You are a good man. I needed that push, that motivation to move. This is a lot harder than I could have imagined. It explains my previous urge to just cut and run. The coward's way out.  I AM strong. I AM capable. I AM Cindy, and I AM freaking awesome!

All in good time. All things I desire will appear.

My friend, you will never know how I love you.  I am so grateful to call you friend.

Many thanks.

Another One Of Those Magical Nights

This connected feeling continues still. More so than it has in a long time. I am very cognizant of the fact that I am controlling the results by my attitude and emotions. When I am grounded, things flow smoothly. When I am stressed, and desperate, things do not flow. Should be pretty easy to decide which results are best.  I am sure that the moon has a lot to do with both the angst I had been feeling, and the drive to overcome it and the resultant sense of peace and contentment. Since talking with Gloria on the show Tuesday night, I have felt inspired and energized.

Dave called me this evening and gave me a much needed pep talk. Bonnie invited me over for dinner and birthday cake to celebrate Gregory's birthday. I have made a new friend. A couple new friends actually. Got to encourage Peggy again today, let her get some things off her chest. I feel as if I am serving when I can give someone a reason to smile. And of course last night had dinner with my Beth.

The more relaxed and happy I am, the more inspired I become. The latest madness I am considering is perhaps a Donato's franchise.  Yeah, let's just add another big ol bunch of work and stress to my plate. But I could do it. Or something like it. That other thing that I was told of the other day, White Tiger? The Universe knows what it wants from me. I will trust and allow and see what comes.

And that book is asking for some attention as well. Knock knock knock. It is asking to be acknowledged. I am ready. Let the words flow. Let divine guidance lead me in the right direction.

Most important of all is I feel so connected again. I really do not want to lose this feeling. My life purpose is right there, my path waiting to be recognized and acted upon. Chip is leading the way. I have some good friends who are walking alongside. The possibilities are endless. But all roads lead to bliss.

Let's Do This!

I'M Back!

Yes, I am still here. It's been very busy these last several days, in a good way. Feeling very much grounded and at peace. I sat down to write tonight and am now discovering that I am being led to wrap it up and go relax with Chip. Many things are appearing. I have had a couple of insights. One of them is a business idea that really sounds like fun, and makes me laugh too. And I am feeling inspired to write more. Just not tonight. So I am going to honor those nudges and follow their lead. Peace, my friends. Good things are coming to each and every one of us. Make that great things.

Love to all!

ARRGHHHH. This Is Tough!

So it seems as if I am really on a roller coaster lately. Oh, hell, who am I kidding. I am always on an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday was a day of lazy contemplation and grounding. Today started out rough. Bonnie came over and we started to go through the shed/barn to get it cleaned out and ready for demolition. It took every ounce of emotional strength I had to not lose it. Every thing I picked up was some little treasure that Chip or Bernie had squirreled away for "just in case we need it". Who am I to decide what is worthy of keeping and what is to be disposed of? They used to keep all the old hardware, rusty nuts and bolts, screws and nails. And all the old tools, and horseshoes, and bits of wood and metal. And all of my gardening stuff, the pots and flats and tools that I gathered to use in the greenhouse that I would someday run. All precious memories. All things that I wonder why we kept, but what will I do without? Isn't life hard enough right now? Do I really want to welcome this pain into my life as well? See, it's all about change. Things seem to be changing so. And nothing I can do will stop it. Even the fields are evolving. Trees that he and I would stop and rest beneath are now blown over by the storms, laying in the woods waiting to be converted to firewood, or to return to the earth as compost. The shed needs to be removed and replaced, as well as the fence in the yard, trees removed, excavation done. I want everything to stay the same. That is where all the memories are. It feels as if I am throwing away our past. It is just so hard because these things meant so much to Chip.

Then there will be a new barn. It will be completely unfamiliar and I just don't know if I will be able to create new memories with it. In so many ways, my scared, childlike self wants to just run and never look back. Instead of being excited for getting things accomplished here and making the place beautiful, I am so paralyzed by the inhibitions I am experiencing.

And you know, also I am wondering if I will ever be important to anyone again. Will someone look forward to hearing from me? Will someone feel that excited trill in their heart when they think of me and wish that I were there right then to give a big hug?  Will someone stop what they are doing and think " Damn! I wonder what she is doing right now? "

Again, these are hard emotions to put into words. Being vulnerable is scary.  But when I look back at this post sometime in the future, I hope that all of this is resolved and I will have a deeper understanding of myself and my emotions. This is a process, and nothing comes as easily as we would like. I know that there are others out there who are going through the same things. Feeling the stress and guilt of having to move on with their lives, in every aspect. I realize that up until now I have been pretty much stagnating. Because it was safe. Safe to ignore the fact that the old barn needs to be replaced. Safe to keep things just as they were because that is where it was comfortable and familiar. Because that is where I imagine Chip was happy. But safe is not necessarily a good thing. I have been growing, awakening and evolving. And the more I want things to stay the same, the more I prohibit my own growth. And Chip is all about me growing. Remember how excited I am when I learn new things and have new experiences. Last night I was out until 2:00 again, having fun with Bonnie, chasing phantom 4-wheelers in my hayfield ( a story for another time). And making friends with some dude on a website. And getting that tattoo and going places I have always been afraid of going, etc. etc. etc. These were not things to be done with Chip. We had our own adventures together, and we had our own "out till 2:00" times. We have our own memories of all the love and good times we shared. And just like he had his super adventures before we met, the encounters with the movie stars and all the traveling and horse training and showing, now he is telling me it is my turn. And as much as I wish I could have these experiences with him, I understand. Now is my time. He is still here with me, he will share all of my adventures, every step of the way. And a big thing I am getting from him is that I should not feel one ounce of guilt. I am to go and live my life and find bliss. He gave me a message this morning in my sleep, and I am so grateful for it.

Things are going to be ok. I have a deep sense of peace and contentment right now. I know there are people who care. I know that my mentor is on his way. I know that I am on the path to discover my true purpose and that I will have a peaceful blissful fulfilling life. I will be able to help others with my words someday. Someday, people will read my book, or attend my seminar and find healing and peace. And each step of the way, I know that my beloved will be by my side.

In the awesome words of Journey:  Don't Stop Believing!

Another Magical Night!!

Bonnie, Dave and I went to see the Remains again last night in Blue Ash. God, how I love them. Never, ever would I have imagined that I would be putting myself out there in front of thousands of people, dancing. There was this incredibly funny and charming guy dancing up front with a group of girls ( well they were all about my age ) and we were watching him and laughing and when Bonnie and I went down to dance to "Don't Stop Believing", he started to dance with us. It was so much fun.

Plus I have made a new friend. His name is Ronnie. That's all I know for now, since we are chatting on a website. Thank you BMK, he thought your response was funny.

Looking back, reminiscing :

Now, who could that be?  Hot blooded, high strung Arabian, in full Park attire; flat Park saddle, double bridle ( 2 bits, 4 reins ) running martingale . Looking back 30 years. Good seat, good leg position, but girl, get those hands down! And I still won!  Chewie was quite a handful. They gave him to me because I was quiet and shy and they felt that I would be a good calming influence on him. The adventures we had! I remember that Anthony tried to ride him once, and Chewie flipped over backward with him. Then I got on him. Back then I was fearless. Or stupid.

Oh my, that reminiscing can be dangerous. I have just spent the last couple of hours looking at old photos and just chilling. Happy, yet bittersweet. Reminds me of all the things that I love in this world.

More words inside, but my sense is that they are happy being unsaid right now.
So, do I consider that I wasted time today, or do I look at it as if I have had a wonderful afternoon of relaxing and remembering? Sometimes you just need to take time for yourself and refresh. And this week I was kind of contemplative. After all, I have been learning that my impatience is not serving me well. No need to hurry things along.  Best to chill, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride. And remember, remember, remember that I always feel closer to Chip when I am grounded and happy. And right now, that is exactly where I am. 

Healing

It is hard to believe that it has been 10 months. Where has the time gone? On one hand it seems as if it were yesterday, and on the other, like eternity has passed. This is harder than I thought. Typing this post while at lunch because when I get home I am going to be good to myself. I am going to take White Tiger's advice and take a nice bubble bath, and light some candles and just be. There is so much I want to share here, but it is so personal that I am going to break my "vulnerability and openness" clause and keep some stuff to myself. Yes, you are correct. When I look back the past 8 months, especially, I do see how far I have come. And strangely ( synchronistic ) enough, last night , earlier, I spoke with Chip about all of the accomplishments that I have made since. And was planning on listing all of these things. And I shall, in my private journal. That is why it is so hard to believe the passage of time and how strange it is that it seems both quick and  everlasting. My heart sometimes feels a lifting, peace and openness. As if all is well and all will be well. This is the sensation I strive for, long for. To have this always. But life does not always play by our wishes and sometimes my heart still wants to break.  So the point is that, based upon some good and welcome advice, I am going to be good to myself. Kind, gentle, loving. Chip would want this. He does want this. It serves no one for me to be so hard on myself. Wow, grief is such hard work!  You run through all the emotions, from feeling guilty for being the survivor, paralyzed with trepidation for the future, angry for being left behind, to longing to soothe that ache in you heart and soul. And missing your loved one like crazy the entire time. That is what this journey is all about. No one said it would be easy. But I do have faith that it will all work out. Life will become fun and happy and fulfilling. And I mean that for everyone who is grieving. But, God, it's rough. In experiencing all of these feelings, we will overcome our hurdles, grow and evolve, become stronger of heart and mind. And our loved ones are ever near, cheering us on. Loving us always.

Hang in there!

One Of Those Amazing Nights

Tonight is one of those beautiful nights. Perfect temperature, perfect blue skies, perfect white fluffy clouds. The sun is reflecting off the Sycamore tree, making it glow. White Tiger gave me some insight, and I feel at peace and calm. I got a strong hit of intuition last night. And I had another epiphany, and it makes me feel peaceful and grounded. I am also going to talk to my dear friend Cheryl tonight. Life is good. And I feel spirit all around tonight and that makes me relaxed and happy as well.

Nothing much else to report tonight. Just want to journalize the feelings that I am experiencing. Annie and I walked the clover field and took a good long time, just meandering and putzing around. Yeah, just want to remember this.  This is a good feeling.

Hope you are all feeling this wonderful!

Namaste

The Path

Had a lot to think about tonight. And really, I think that I think too much. Get it? Sometimes you just have to relax and allow life to come to you. And I have been trying way too hard to chase it. Someone reminded me today that things have been flowing for me, that they have been moving forward. While I have felt as if life were stagnating before me, he gave me many examples of how things are moving right along. There is so much I wish to accomplish here, and I am ( as always) feeling impatient, looking for signs and feeling dissatisfied with my own progress. Silly me. After he pointed out numerous details, I realize that things are moving quite quickly. And that explains a lot of things. How many times do I have to remind myself that things will come to me at the perfect moment. I have to stop wishing. There are things that I (think I ) want, but if I just relax and allow, they will come to me. Would I rather be patient and get exactly what is right for me, or be impatient and just settle? Settling would not serve anyone. Life feels a little hard right now. And I understand that this is of my own making. I am not complaining, mind you. This is a happy post. Since you are not hearing the inflection in my voice and seeing the expression on my face, it may be difficult to ascertain that. I am just at a pivotal point in my development right now where I realize that these difficulties are lessons that must be learned and the hurdles overcome before I can evolve to the next level. And believe me, I am ready to evolve. I do not want anything holding me back, and am ready for the next step, the rewards of peace and tranquility. When I am able to realize certain key things about myself ( I will keep them to myself right now and just speak of the lessons in general terms ), and let them go, work through them , realize them for what they are, overcome them, they will cease to be roadblocks in my way and the path will open up. And that is when this journey is going to get REALLY fun.

Hope all of my dear friends will join me.

Untamed Majesty

The ground is cool and firm beneath my feet, the tiny white clover buds tickling my toes as I step gingerly across the field. A warm breeze drifts through the woods that lay before me, rustling the leaves on the trees, brushing 'cross my face, ruffling my hair. I reach up to brush the bangs from my eyes and see a flash of white in the underbrush. A few quick steps and leaning down and I find myself face to face with a little black whiskered nose, peeking through the rose bushes. Coaxing with an upturned hand, I draw the little fox out from the bush as he sniffs and licks, looking for a treat. I remove the backpack from my shoulders and pull out a sandwich that I had packed for the walk. He perks up and sits back on his haunches, begging. Laughing, I tear off a piece and hand it to him. The fox gracefully accepts my offering, then licks his paws and washes his face. His comical behavior makes me laugh and he looks up quizzically, as if to say " what's so funny?". Slowly, I reach out to stroke his soft, grey fur, and he leans into me and closes his eyes as if in bliss. We continue the walk, my new companion and I, as the sun begins to go down in the western sky. Small creatures, rabbits and mice, do not scatter before us as I would expect, but sit calmly, observing us. They seem to intuit that we mean no harm and simply greet us and wish us well on our way.

Deeper into the woods, it is much darker than in the clearing. The canopy of the trees creating a ceiling of branches and leaves. The air is much cooler here, and the ground smells rich and earthy. I decide to go back to the clearing, so that we may watch the stars. We head to the East, to the nearest opening through the trees. Just as we reach the clearing, a large horse emerges from the wood opposite ours. He strides directly to us without hesitation and stands before us. His coat is a beautiful grey, speckled salt and pepper throughout with black. He favors his right front, and I step to the side to see why. A long gash crosses his right shoulder and looking down, I discover his fetlock is also cut, a thin piece of wire wrapped and tightened around it. "What have you done here? " I ask softly, as I bend and begin to gingerly unwrap the wire. Finished, I run my hands down his leg, ensuring there is no damage to the ligaments or bone. Satisfied, I rise and give him a quick pat. His soft lips nuzzle my neck and tears prick my eyes as I watch the little fox step forward and begin licking the horses leg, soothing the torn skin.

My two companions and I continue our walk. The path is clear and smooth. The sun is nearly down and the stars are beginning to twinkle in the night sky. White horse, white fox, they glow in the dusk, as we trek across the field. A shooting star streaks across the sky, catching my attention, and as I look back down, toward my destination, I see a figure standing near the edge of the field. My soul calls out in joy as it recognizes this new companion, and I find myself running toward him with no conscious effort. Chip has come to join me on this walk. We wrap our arms around one another and then I reach up and cup his face in my hands, running my fingers through his beard. We begin to walk the loop, clasping one another's hands. No words need be exchanged, for all is felt between us. The evening seems to last forever, lost in the love that we share, as we feel and experience our unending connection.  As we come round the last part of the loop, he nods to the darkened sky, indicating the lateness of the day and turns me toward home.

Fox and horse follow us to the fence line. I give each a pat and a kiss on the nose, then watch as they each turn and amble back to their wood, knowing that we will join together again soon. I duck beneath the stand of electric wire and straighten back on the other side. Chip is still with me and my heart leaps at the realization that he will be staying. He takes my hand in his and we turn toward home as a thousand shooting stars streak across the night sky.

Bravado

Yesterday at the reunion was just plain strange. In some ways it was more difficult than I thought, and in others it was better than expected. Does that even make sense? A large number of people did not feel comfortable approaching me. Only the closest of Chip's cousins actually spent time talking with me. Their discomfort was palpable. This is the first time I have seen the majority of them since Chip transitioned and I found myself feeling guilty and sad for making them feel bad! What on earth! Death certainly does make people uncomfortable. My closest cousins and nieces and nephews were the rocks that I needed to get through the day. And of course, I went in with no real expectations. Rather, I went there with an open heart and mind - just live the day and see what it brings. All in all I felt pretty comfortable. Chip was there, although I was so busy and distracted by the number of people and action going on around us that I did not connect with him as I would have liked to. There were only a couple of times that I had the urge to run, but I braved through them and tried to smile. Everyone deals with life in their own way. It is our own personal journey. This is another one of those very personal experiences that I am unsure if I should share here or not, but feel compelled to do so. Some day I will look back on this post and have a better insight, a more experienced point of view. Maybe someone else will read this, just before a gathering and find comfort from my experience. What I gained from it at this point in time is that it was painful to be there without him, and I was flooded with lots of memories of us being there together. How we sat at that particular spot, how we played cards and laughed, how we brought the keg, how we went for a walk, hand-in-hand after most everyone had left, etc. And also though, that I was there to represent us. We still exist, Damn it! For me to have not gone would not have been honoring his memory. Now had I really not felt like going, that would have been ok as well. Just saying that after the fact, these are my feelings. It was kind of a neutral day. Neither good nor bad came from it. No real mind blowing insights. I think that Chip was pleased that I went, but know that had I not gone, he would not have been disappointed. Basically, what I guess I am trying to say is that it is up to me. And this is important. I am beginning to live my life based on what I want and need, with the knowledge and understanding that Chip only wants what I want too. Joy. Peace. Happiness. Fulfillment.

I feel that I am becoming a whole person again. And I know that this is an integral part of my growth. Rather than depending on other's guidance and advice, I am beginning to find my own way. There are so many questions I have, so many desires and dreams to realize. And I know, I KNOW that I am on the right path. And I also know that I do not walk alone.

Much Love

A Busy And Fun Day Ahead

Today is the family reunion. As a proponent of positive thinking, I am a little ashamed to say that I was feeling very reticent to attend this year, fearing that it will be too overwhelming for me. The last time I saw everyone was at Chip's funeral. I don't like that word. Memorial is better. Evidently Pru was feeling the same way until we discussed it via e-mail. Up until a few days ago I felt that it would be too much and that, based on the emotions I experienced during the hay season, watching someone else do his work and drive his beloved Big Blue Tractor , it would make me too sad to be able to interact with everyone. But after working through things in my head ( and this is really important here because I made this decision completely on my own without asking ANYONE for advice ) I decided that I need to go. To represent us. Chip will be by my side. And I will not go in with any pre formed expectations. Best to be open and ready to have fun. He would want us to go on and enjoy, and connecting with his family is an excellent way to connect with him as well. So yes, I will be attending. And looking forward to it. And it helps that my new partner in crime, Bonnie, is in charge of setting everything up and I am going with her to help get everything together and ready for the party. Then tonight afterward she is having a campfire at her house. And I can actually drive back home even in the dark, since she is my next door neighbor of sorts.  So I AM looking forward to this. My hope is that Chip will be very close and we will connect and enjoy the day together.

Something is definitely in the air. Bluebirds. Remember that. Twice now. And the feeling that washed over me each time I saw them. Not your regular bluebirds. Much deeper. And it occurred to me last night that when doing my experiments, the universe first sent me a blue balloon, then a blue Easter egg ( laying next to my car in the parking lot in July - what else could that be but a sign? ) and now blue birds! And each and every one so far has a sort of connection to the other - bird, egg, the ability to fly, blue. LOL, I just saw the unintended pun in the first sentence of this paragraph! Ohhh so now I have a bit of a game going - discover the message!

This is kind of a personal thing and maybe I should reserve some of my observations and feelings for my private journal. I go back and forth on whether or not I should share as much as I do. But really, it is all part of the process. The voice that I usually use in this blog is one of a friend discussing her feelings and experiences with other friends. And it does take some courage to be so vulnerable. I am not nearly as anonymous as I was 6 months ago. But, and I have said this before, I need to be true to myself. I will look through these posts in the future and re-experience my growth and evolution. I will laugh at some of the crazy, off the wall adventures I have been on ( tattoo, mystery Civil War cowboy anyone? ) and so many others to come. Being able to review the times when I felt overwhelmed and discouraged and then the next day had one of the most wonderful days, it is a good lesson. We tend to forget the good days and focus only on the bad. We need a reminder of the good.
And in reality, there is so much more good. In fact, it is all good. Without the bad, one would never realize just how amazingly good things really are. Tends to put things in perspective.
Ha, I am rambling now.

Guess the important thing to pull out of my head right now ( because it keeps knocking and wants to be recognized ) is that through this journey I am connecting with some amazing friends. And this connection seems to be getting stronger and stronger each moment. Not hard to realize that the universe is sending me the people that are meant to be here, and maybe, just maybe, I am meant to be in their lives, too. I will not name names, because you know who you are when I say how grateful I am for the dearest friends that have come into my life and accepted me into yours. And I just got a flash, a very strong one, that I have a purpose in your lives too. That is undeniable. Ah! Source is speaking to me again. Or, better stated, I am grounding and allowing and receiving again.

Thank you dear friends for your love and support. Know that I am here for you as well. This has been gnawing  at me for several days now. My purpose is coming to consciousness. Another of those times of realizing that things are falling into place. The signs are there, just need to look for them.

Don't Stop Believing

This has so many meanings. I was prompted to write this post because of an email that my boss sent me with a pin from pinterest.  It says this:

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking,
Because her trust is not in the branch
But in her own wings.
Always believe in yourself.

Ok, so how awesome is that? In so many ways. She thought of me and encouraged me. And perfect timing. So what a great reminder to believe in yourself.

Not only that, but can you imagine how touched I am and how much this means to me. Becky, you are one in a million. I am so lucky that I get to be your assistant.

And last night was an unforgettable night. For a while now I have felt a bit disconnected from things. Stress and worry and other things were getting in the way of my being able to relax and open and allow and connect. It is very discouraging when you go from feeling in tune and connected with the Universe, to being unable to get in the groove and feel grounded and centered. My new friend, White Tiger, gave me some tools and advice to help me to get back to where I need to be. The peace and bliss I now feel is overpowering. I was beginning to lose faith that I would ever regain this feeling, and now I know that it was here all along. Again, believe in yourself.

Sometimes, when life seems to be at it's darkest, and it seems that there is no hope, no relief, no love in sight, just wait. Just a little longer. Believe. And you will find that just around the corner will appear a bright, shining light, illuminating the rest of the path. And as you get closer to the source of the light, you will discover that you are observing your own reflection in a wall of mirrors, radiating your love and life force outward, encouraging,  lighting the way  for all the beings of the world to follow. And they will join you and walk beside you in loving companionship. Believe.

We are all one. We shine our light for one another. We are here for each other. Don't be afraid to love. Don't be afraid to reach out. We each have a gift to offer this universe. Be patient. Be kind.
Be unafraid. Believe.

A Quick Blog Before Bed

What a terrific, fantastic, amazing night! Someone did a wonderful thing for me. And it is late and I need to get to bed, because, well, Chip is waiting to talk to me. In my dreams. Thank you White Tiger.

The farm in Indiana is officially on the market, at a steal of a price by the way. Looking at the pictures of the place on the website, makes me want to change my mind and keep it. But the revenue can be better put to use here at home and help make this place the paradise that it can be.  Here is the link to the listing if anyone wants to have a look. It is a fantastic hay field, and would make a great building lot with lots of room for horses. Look at those fields of gold.

http://www.martini.huff.com/property/800-e--sunman-in-47041_148961#ad-image-0

Well, that's all folks. Very emotional ( in a good way ) night.

I want to send my love to all, and wish you all love and light.

Perfection? Whatever For?

You got that right. You figured it out. But that is because you are awesome. Yeah, it makes complete sense that my stress was caused by my childhood conditioning and the need for perfection. It is just that I do not want to make mistakes, and I want to do everything perfectly. Now, when you just take a step back and look at the situation from a different viewpoint ( someone else's ) it really is ridiculous to think that anyone ( myself included) should expect perfection. If there is something that I have never done before and do not know how to do, why would I beat myself up for not knowing? That's just crazy. And then I become obsessed with the fear that people will look down on me because I do not know or am not familiar with things. And why would they? No one is putting pressure on me except for me. I feel that I should automatically know how to do everything, and to do it perfectly. Hogwash! If you show me something, once I understand it, I've got it. Then I can work on "perfecting" my skills. Just like any job I have ever had, I learned it and excelled at it once I was comfortable and understood. Just takes practice. And each new thing is added to my toolbox.

Today I added a trip to downtown to my toolbox. I have a mental block with going downtown due to a very traumatic ( at the time, hey I was a wimp) experience. And I do not see well, which adds to the stress. But I WAS SUCCESSFUL! And I know if BMK reads this, he is probably shaking his head right now.

So please remember and understand, Cin - everything I have done before, I have excelled at after learning the procedures. There is no lack of heart, no lack of commitment in my efforts. The fact that I desire to excel at what I do is a good thing. Just need to remember that all things come in good time.

Time to relax, and allow and go with the flow again. Things seem to be coming to me again and I am loving the connection.

Eternally

The wood is calm, peaceful, the only sound that of birdsong and the occasional rustling of the little animals on the forest floor.

He steps out from beyond a thicket of blackberry bushes, cautiously, yet unafraid.

Though he has no words, his eyes speak loudly and his ears reflect the  emphasis. Nostrils wide, he approaches slowly, the rumble of his breath startling a robin, perched above his head. He tosses his head to the right, flicking the forelock from his eyes. They shine brightly.

Muscles ripple beneath taught skin as he lengthens his stride, closing the gap between us quickly. I smell him, that intoxicating scent of sweat and dust and grass and horse.

He stops, stands before me in all his glory, magnificent creature. Even taller and more powerful than I could have imagined. I offer my hand, palm up. An apple materializes instantly, and he reaches out and plucks it up with velvet lips. A quick nuzzle of appreciation from him and I begin to run my hands across his thick neck. My fingers tangle in his mane and I find myself lifting, then seated on his wide back. I fit perfectly. Realizing there are no reins with which to guide him, I send thought forms to him, to move forward. He steps gingerly, ensuring my seat is firm, then we trot off, into the clearing. He clearly knows where he is going, and I settle in and allow him to lead the way. We soon come to a beautiful clover field, a wide, crystal clear creek running along the South side. He drops his head and has a long drink while I readjust my seat and stretch my legs. I realize that I have been holding on tightly and suddenly understand that it is not necessary. The horse and I have become one.

We splash through the creek, the water droplets shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight, creating thousands of tiny crystal rainbows, dancing all around us. He starts, ears pricked forward, identifying another horse and rider coming our way. My heart leaps, and even before I see him with my eyes, my soul recognizes this new rider.

They begin to gallop toward us and my horse whinneys, a friendly greeting returned by the other. Dust billows behind them as they move directly toward us. Chip dismounts quickly, runs to my side, and pulls me from my mount, squeezing me, swinging me 'round in sheer joy. We cannot stop laughing as we tumble to the ground, locked in a loving embrace. Our lips meet in a passionate kiss, and the illusion of time stands still.

The horses graze quietly as Chip and I catch up. All thoughts, all feelings, all intentions shared with one another in an instant. We have never been apart, but have always been. The power lies within us. We ARE. Space and time cannot separate us. We are one. And now my beloved and I understand.

The sun is beginning to drop in the horizon, but there is no sense of urgency. We gaze into each other's eyes and the memories of a thousand lifetimes shared pass between us. We have found one another again. And yet again our souls dance, the dance of everlasting, eternal love.

As the moon rises, high and full, casting a bright path before us, we mount and begin the journey home, hand in hand, side by side.

Chasing Rainbows

Can you feel the shift? Something to remember, I think I have said it before, The best things I have found in life, I found when I was not looking. And that is important because it has taken a long time this time around for me to realize that, in relation to the situations I find myself in now. What I mean by that is, Chip came into my life out of the blue. I was not seeking a companion at that moment, and there he was. The very best thing that ever happened to me. And the job, I just put out the plea to the universe and did not think another thing about it and lo and behold, here comes BMK. And so many other wonderful things. I need to mention the wallet story - maybe another time. But lately, I have ( had, now that I know what's up ) been asking for things and constantly worrying about how they were going to come about. How many times have I told myself that I need to be patient and that all things will come in their time. Trust the universe. Send out my desires and forget about them. Allow the universe to work it's magic and provide. Don't worry about how they will get here. And they will get here.  And life will be so much easier.

Thought I had more to say, but am feeling a bit tired and emotionally wrung out. Not in a bad way, more in a relieved, peaceful way. And I don't want to challenge that, because Chip is near and I would like to go and relax and try to connect tonight.

This weekend was very busy with Reagan's party and then Bonnie and I went on a geocaching adventure on Sunday and then went back to her house and raked topsoil for several hours.

                                       Here are some pics of the highlights of the weekend:

Cinderella and Belle

 

Me driving the carriage

 

                                                             Cheese! We found it!

So tonight is for reflection and connection. Got to get that other stuff out of my head until my answers come to me and I can get some clarity. Thank you BS for all you do. Tonight I can relax.
Tomorrow, I shall dance.

 

My Dream

A sharp rap on the headboard awakens me with a start. I take a deep breath and make myself still. The air pressure changes slightly and I feel that familiar buzz in my ear, the one I have been longing for these many weeks, the one I feared lost. You are here. There is a sensation of energy, swirling, undulating, coming in close, enveloping me. A warm, loving hug. A feeling of ultimate  peace washes over me and my body relaxes. You whisper in my ear, and I realize that I am not hearing sound in the physical sense, but rather picking up on the energy, thought vibrations that you are sending me. Don't listen with your ears, Cin, listen with your heart. I have so missed you. Was it because I was so pre-occupied with other concerns? Work, and stress and questions unanswered? Were you here the whole time, and I just could not sense you because my heart was closed in fear? Will you stay now? Reassure me. There are things that I have remembered, never knowing they were forgotten. This path has been rough, uneven, rocky. I stepped off course. This was a learning experience, but probably needn't have been at all. I allowed the fear, the confusion, the angst. None of it was necessary. I did not take your advice, did not " go with the flow" did not " Don't make life harder than what it is". Not on purpose, but just because I was so wrapped up in worry. Now, with you here by my side, I can listen, truly listen, and know. For you are wise. Do you forgive me? Will you continue to guide and protect and love me on this journey? The only way I want to do this is with you by my side. We can do this. We can work together to create peace and love and healing. You reach out and touch my arm. I feel it. Almost, almost I can smell you. That wonderful scent, uniquely you. My heart leaps, overflowing with so many emotions, overjoyed at our connection, for when I feel you close, all is well in my world. In our world. As in the physical, and now from both sides of the veil, together we can do anything.This is not a dream. I am awakening.  You will walk with me, this I know. We shall experience this adventure together. Loyally, faithfully, eternally.

Always, my love.

Par-tay

Laying in bed at Bruce and Noella's house. The princess party was awesome! And since I do not drive in the dark, Noella asked me to stay over. So I am blogging from my phone. Wow,this is so not like me. Usually way too shy to socialize like this. Am I moving forward into this next phase of my life? Getting ready to give seminars and teach? I participate in the live radio show regularly,and that is becoming easier and extremely enjoyable.  Part of me feels like I am coming into my own.

Eliot was giving me advice on love and romance tonight. Said I should just go for it. Well,I explained, Chip will send me the perfect person. He will have to be very spiritual,wise,kind,and loving. Treat me like the precious jewel that I am. Be willing to walk beside Chip and me and be our partner. And of course, I would be a loving devoted partner to him too.  I told Eliot that this will have to be one very special person. He brought up my mystery cowboy and we had a good laugh at that.  So here I am ,getting love advice from my boss. All in good time. Chip will send him. There aren't too many guys out there who meet that criteria,but Chip knows what he is doing. And he will know when I am ready.

I am going to blog more about my feelings on this.  It is an important step on this journey.  This is one of the things that has been on my mind and one of those questions that I mentioned in a  previous post. I keep going back and forth on the issue because on one hand I still feel a little guilt over the idea, and on the other hand, I feel like I am being called to it. That explains a lot of my mixed feelings lately. But I seriously do feel like the next step of that spiritual maturing I was talking about is on its way. And remember, before a spiritual breakthrough, we usually experience a period of chaos and unrest. Which is exactly what I have been going through the last couple of weeks. And believe me, I m ready for the new, improved me. With or without my mystery cowboy.

A Special Place

Clover field at edge of the woods

 

In the woods beneath the canopy at the edge of the clover field

Beneath the canopy

View of the clover field from my back yard

Early evening

                                       Dusk, looking from the back yard into the clover field.

If There Was A Problem - Yo! - I'll Solve It!

Much better, much much better. Today, I worked the night shift. BMK was making fun of me for whining that I can't drive in the dark. The day started hectic and busy but then we got everything done and were able to relax a little. And Princess Reagan's party is tomorrow. I am so excited! Gonna get our princess' on!

When two dear friends mention that I seem to be sad and melancholy lately, I know that I need to kick myself in the butt and get back to happy. Like I mentioned last night, I realized that I was picking up on some negative energy and now that I have recognized the problem it seems to have abated. And give me a break, but I was exhausted this week, physically and emotionally.

And a dear friend also mentioned something that got me thinking and wow, what a realization I had that I am so guilty of this. We tend to act or react to people based on the perceptions we have of one another. And absolutely, now that it has been brought to my attention, yowie.  Some people I act extremely confident around, others I feel charming, or funny or sexy even. And then others I feel like a big dummy. And now it all makes sense. Will go into this more later, but for now it is getting late and the words are avoiding me.

Oh, but one more thing! Driving to court this morning I got a nudge with an idea for a book. A fictional story. Kind of excited about that and think that I will make some time to outline it and see how it fleshes out.

And this is going to be one fantastic weekend, full of excitement and happiness and love. Hear that, Universe?? 

So dear ones, rest well.

Just Because - That's Why!

Another post tonight because now I feel a teeny more energized than earlier. Something came to me while having a conversation with a friend and I think it is part of my issue. I need to center and ground and put up my shields. I was really feeling the heavy vibrations around me while on the phone. I know that I am stressed and depressed and even physically ill right now and it is all just coming to a head, but that extra heavy feeling just made me realize that someone else may be sending negative vibes my way. If that is the case - back atcha 10 times over. Nah, actually I just need to ground and put up my shields and send love and light to whomever is doing that. Actually, love and light to all.

Time to be positive. Time to dance. As a matter of fact, I am going to go outside right now and have a turn around the back pasture.

I Am Cindy and I Am Freaking Awesome!!

Sending everyone love and light and happy peaceful thoughts.

Satisfaction

As in : "I Can't Get No...."  Yesterday was not a bad day at work. Thanks to Po for the pep talk on Tuesday night. Today was extremely stressful. One of those days where everything came non stop. To top it off I woke up this morning sick as can be. Pukin' Luken. But I willed myself to get better and after I got to work I started to feel better. So the day was filled with lots of activity and stress. And now here I am. I did it. There are a few little things that need to be done that I will have to make some phone calls on, etc. before I can finish them, but all the major stuff is completed. And lots of compliments from my bosses and co worker today. And I needed that because it was one of my insecure days. But, yeah, I do ROCK, dammit!

As a matter of fact, this whole week has been a little weird. I have been kind of "off". Not that being off isn't kind of the norm for me lately anyway. But I have been missing Chip like crazy, and feeling really alone, and stressed. And I wonder if the sickness this morning wasn't my body ridding itself of toxins, physical and emotional. You know, I really wonder if ... well, I really can't voice it right now. But I know that something is going on. Do you know how much I long for peace? For fun, happy, loving, peaceful days? When life turns around and starts to get blissful? There are those moments. And I relish them. But my impatient bitchy self is wanting more. I deserve that.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that in this blog, I share my truest, most authentic, vulnerable self. And I have to. For me. And also so if anyone reads this, they may gain some insight into their own challenges. Sometimes I share too much, but in being authentic, I have to. It is hard, because there is always the fear of being judged, or ridiculed. But, again, if I put it out there, not only am I working through things and journalizing the feelings and experiences of my life, aiding in my healing,  but am also giving other people something to think about, maybe even helping them to heal.


Steph and I were talking today about loyalty and friendship, truth and honesty. About how people deserve to be treated. We seem to have the same ideas about integrity. And I am more of a sucker than most people. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, until you prove me wrong. But there are some people that I am really struggling with as far as where their loyalty lies and whether or not they are being truthful with me. It seems that everyone has their own personal agenda and as long as it benefits them, they don't care who they lie to or hurt. Glad to know that Stephanie and I agree. A co worker that I considered a friend and who pretty much swore had my back, really let us all down.  You can't go back. So I think it is time for me to purge. If you have been reading this blog, you know one of my big challenges is trust. And I am back to wondering if I am giving people way too much credit and way to much power over my feelings.

 I have wasted way too much energy trying to maintain relationships, in the hopes that things will change, that maybe this was meant to be. Too much stagnating. That's what it feels like! Like that small puddle in the creek bed that is almost dried up, and is all black and smelly. My soul is looking for that refreshing rain storm, washing away all the negative, sadness and stress.

And then the rainbow that comes after.