Long After You're Gone

But you aren't really gone, are you? You are here beside me, always have been. Always will be. And I feel you here. I felt you tonight at dinner with Bonnie and Dave. And you are here now. When we came home for cake, Dave said if you blow out the candles, he's outta there! Bonnie and Dave kept me laughing the whole time. I needed that. I needed them. I need you. I need light and joy and happiness. Love and laughter and bliss.

Happy Birthday, my love. We honor you with our love. You were the most amazing man to walk this earth. I shall never love another like you. I shall raise a black Russian to you tonight. In your honor. For eternity, I am yours.

Happy Birthday Chip!!!

With all my love.

The Storm Inside Me

Was going to blog last night but just couldn't seem to do it. I had a wonderful day with Bonnie. We went to see the Diana exhibit and then shopped for some clothes for our trip to Florida ( that's right, I actually did commit to a trip! ) then had a great meal at El Rancho Grande ( no margaritas) and back home for a nice campfire. The fire was hard getting started but finally Bernie's black magic did its trick. And then the thunder and lightening and rain. So off to the patio for some fun with Dave's ringtone for me. Hey, Dave, we all had margaritas that night! Sigh. What would I do without you guys? So after all that, I was left feeling a little alone and down. And I can't mow today because it's raining. So looks like a boring day today for Cin. Gonna watch a movie and clean the house.

Don't stop believing is playing. One of the theme songs for my life. I feel a little confused today. The Blue Ash festival is coming up, the one that was such a magical night for me last year. I hope I can rediscover the magic again. The night that I could actually recognize that I was finally coming back to life. The opening to a new path on my journey. Holy crap! I just just just now realized this: "journey", "Don't Stop Believing". How have I never made that connection before? I guess it was meant to come just now, may not have meant anything before now. Just allow, Cin. All will come to you as it is meant to.

This has been a crazy week. In a good way, or so I thought. Lots of fun times. I found new inspiration, new words to share. Tonight I feel so blue though. Took a long walk in the clover field. Then went to town to get cat food and Burger King. Then to the community center to contemplate walking and having my burger but I figured I would just go on home and share it with Annie. Travis is going to be on the radio show Tuesday night so I am really excited for that. I am rambling. There are so many feelings and thoughts going on in my head, and I really just need to sort them out and then maybe they will flow. This week I got my first manicure and facial ever. And I got to have a lot of fun with Kelly and Barb and even made a new friend.

There is a sort of disconnect here. I feel the energy pulling back from me. I hope contained within it is all the negative energy that had been swirling about lately. I have felt so good, so inspired, so connected the last few days. And I have realized something. I don't have to worry anymore. Worry about what's going on, what people are up to. But that makes me sad too. I know this doesn't make sense but I don't have the words to describe it and don't want to give too many details. But I always worry about everyone I care about. Are they safe? Are they happy? But I cant make a difference with my worries, so I have to release them . And that will give me peace. I only have myself to worry about , and that is plenty, believe me.

I hope the stars are out tonight. I need a good walk " naked" beneath the starry sky. What is this? I don't recall feeling like this before. A heaviness. I have felt so good and happy all week. Have I taken on someone else's feelings? I need to center and ground and clear my energy. Perhaps those things that no longer serve me are finally sloughing off, readying me for new and exciting adventures. What lies ahead, on this path? Well, I am just going to be patient and calm and allow it to unfold before me. The storms may have made things a little slick and muddy, but tomorrow the sun will come out and dry the earth and I will resume my journey, refreshed, anew.

Love to you all.

Just Had To Do This

Ok, I came across this and I know that it is pretty rude and crude, but really, it is pretty funny. And oh, so relevant. So here it is old friend, I know that you will enjoy this:

Really, we ALL know someone that this pertains to, don't we?

Keep Your Head Up

It's getting late and I am a little tired tonight. Just got back from a great walk around the community center with a friend. Actually, I have been running all day, from lunch with the J.U.L.I.E.T.S. and then out with Kelly for a manicure ( my first and her treat!!) and then for the nice long walk. It certainly is a wonderful night. The air is crisp and cool, the sky is clear and the stars are bright. Annie and I went for a quick spin in the back yard and for some reason, my hands don't want to type. I am going to take that as a sign and make this a quick post, jump in the shower and into bed.

We all have our trials. We all have our pain. Sometimes it seems as if it is completely unbearable. I know. How many days have I felt as if I could not take one more step. Looking to the future only held fear of the unknown and a feeling of hopelessness. And yet we plod along. We persevere. It certainly is not easy sometimes, and it is so difficult to see the blessings coming our way, when we are so enshrouded in the fog of indecision and fear. But my counsel to you, my friends, is : Keep your head up. Always look upward and forward. To the stars. To infinity and beyond. For sometimes, at the darkest moment, the clouds part and the sun begins to shine through. And perhaps then, even better: the rainbow appears. Look up. It is there, just waiting for you to discover it. And no matter how many clouds obscure the beauty, eventually they will part and the magnificent color will arc across the sky, in all its glory.

Thank you to the beautiful souls who joined us on our walk tonight. I honor you and send you love for gracing us with your presence. Again, as I have removed the stress and discord from my life, I am feeling more connected. I am ready. Show me the way. We have much to do here.

My friend. We are both at a crossroads. Yet at this moment I feel strangely calm, patient even. My message tonight was that all is well. There is no hurry. Enjoy the journey. We are supported from both sides, there is no need to fear. And you will receive your message as well. We simply need to be open to the signs, the answers will follow. Be at peace.

And always, keep looking up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections

Look into the mirror. Look at yourself. Who are you? Why are you here? What is your purpose, your mission in this lifetime? Part of our journey is to find ourselves and discover our true purpose and then to work it for all its worth. Sadly, sometimes pain is involved, the catalyst to push us out of the comfort of the "normal" and into our true grace. Look at how many times along our paths we have taken a detour. That is all ok. We will always find our way back home, for home is the only place to be. It doesn't matter how high we have to climb, or how far we have to travel, the path will always lead to that place where we belong. And the more we learn along the way, the better for our growth. Better yet, the more we teach along the way, the better for our growth, and that of those who walk with us.

I have been blessed. I look at my reflection now as opposed to that of a year ago. A year of ups and downs, of lessons learned, hard won, some painful, some overwhelmingly joyful. There is more grey in my hair. A few more wrinkles around my eyes. But those are smile lines. Proof that joy does exist. Each scar that I bear is proof of my strength and ability to heal. And look at your scars. Look at how far you have come. You, too, have overcome hurdles, survived many storms. Felt incomparable joy. Grown in so many ways, some as yet undiscovered. What a beautiful adventure we are having. Everything that I have encountered in my life has brought me to where and who I am today.   That much closer to discovering the truth of what it is I am here to accomplish. What good I can do for mankind. How I may be of service to this universe, ourselves, our God.

Tonight I feel a bit closer to my purpose. The words are flowing again. My book, my dears, is now calling to me. Oh, and I feel the approval of the universe on this. It is as if someone is standing beside me, hand on my shoulder as I type these words. I have felt this before. It is acknowledgement that I am on the right path once again. For a while I had stepped aside, tried to work at something that was not in alignment with my true path. My intentions were good. But alas, I had gone astray. No no no. Wait a minute. I cannot think that way, for everything that happens to us has its purpose. And as I noted in a previous post, I was meant to step aside for a while in order to learn some valuable lessons about myself. I got the clear message " Remember who you are". And looking in that mirror now, I see the reflection of myself. Of a soul on a path to not only its own awakening, but to assist in the healing and awakening of others as well.  These hazel eyes of mine are shining, reflecting the light that emanates from within. Yup, there are people out there that need us. Let us go and discover and hold their hand. They are waiting.

Look into your mirror. Look into your eyes. What do you see?

To New Friends

Well, I made a new friend tonight. This post is dedicated to you, you know who you are. Thank you for the great conversation tonight and the great company. I would really love to know more about your journey. There are demons to conquer, Banshees to ride.

Each and every person we come into contact with will somehow, in some way, touch our lives. It may be as seemingly insignificant as the smile and nod given to a person who is feeling low and is then inspired to smile back and be encouraged that things are looking up, or it may be much much larger than one could ever imagine. The point is, we all are connected. We all have something to give. And that's what it is all about, people. Ha ha ha. Don't Stop Believing just came on. Sometimes we may never know the great impact we have had on someone, it really isn't about recognition, but rather about doing good, making a difference, being a messenger of hope and inspiration in this vast Universe. Oh yes, it appears to be a huge universe, but appearances can be quite deceiving. All illusions. The only disconnect comes from within our own wounded souls. And once we can realize that, the healing begins. The ripple effect. Your kindness to another will cause waves that continue outward, touching others as they go. It is not about who has what. How much money you make. What kind of car you drive, clothes you wear, house you live in. It is about what is inside your heart and soul. We can do so much.

I went way outside my comfort zone tonight, and I feel invigorated. Remember, Cin, life is too short. Get up and dance if you want to. If they laugh at you, then you gave them something to laugh and be happy about. Metaphorically, I got up and danced.   Remember, one of the things on your life list is to be dynamic. Crazy, maybe not so much, but dynamic sounds fairly distinguished, doesn't it? Bring smiles to faces. Strangers who really aren't since we are all connected. We should have got up and danced with the little boy in the diapers. That is what life is all about. He was showing us what it is like to live, to feel pure joy at being alive. He has not yet experienced this illusion called life. Not yet been conditioned to be fearful and cautious, to hold back. Oh, sweet little one. My prayer for you is that you never let the world taint your joy.

Wow, I am feeling a metaphysical theme coming up. I want to talk about time, not being linear. Past, present, future, and all that jazz. Signs and symbols and illusions and connections. Nah, another time. It's pretty late. But oh what a fun night tonight. I am not that same little girl that used to sit alone and contemplate life. Now I am out there living it. There are so many adventures out there.  And yes, we cannot save every person we set out to help. We are all on a journey. We touch up against each other and help one another and yes, sometimes hurt one another. All lessons. All a part of our evolution here in this physical existence. I thank each and every one of you who have touched my life, past, present and future.

And to you, thank you for bringing some music into my life tonight.

21 Months

Twenty one months today. Wow. So many experiences since then. So many lessons learned. How on earth have I made it this far? It seems like just yesterday, yet it feels like forever ago as well. My love. And I have felt you so close these past few days. I need to raise my vibration again so that I am closer and more receptive. I don't really have a lot to say here, just needed to note that it was an important day and that I love and honor you. It is cool and breezy and sunny out today, very unlike mid July normally. The birds are singing in the back yard and everything feels peaceful and loving. I am coming back. I was lost for too long, searching for a dream that was not to come true. But now I feel awake and alive again. I have added to my toolbox a few new things. Lessons learned.

The inspiration to teach and write is coming back full force. I feel myself giving presentations on how to heal our grief and connect with the other side. I think it is time to start outlining my book and fleshing it out. Getting ideas together and making sense of them. I needed this. The lessons were hard and painful, but the rewards are going to be magnificent. Come on rewards!!! 

I love you with all my heart, my love. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Your love and support. I know you have been beside me every step of the way on my path, even when I took what I perceived at the time to be a wrong turn. I now know that it was not a wrong turn, but was a necessary detour, no not even that, it WAS part of the true path. And in looking at it that way, I find peace and contentment. Yes, all is well now. My love my love my love.  Always.

Dancing Naked Beneath The Stars

7/7/14 Still can't do this one, even after more than a week has passed. Not yet. One day I will be able to. It was such a beautiful night. Our two stars next to one another in the night sky. It was almost as it should always have been, as it should always be. To infinity and beyond. A wonderful way to honor what was. In the beginning. We should have danced this dance many times before and many times yet to come. How I wish the original love and emotions were still there. It is as if the Universe wept for us that night. I did the best I could. I believed in you and your words of love and support and forever. Another lifetime perhaps.

7/15/14 Decided to go ahead and post this. It was a beautiful night. We connected. It was dark and wonderful and starry and cool and we ran and danced around the back yard and had a wonderful time. The words above say enough.

It Was A Bus Full Of Nuns Holding Babies

Who remembers this song? You really need to be from Cincinnati in the early '80's to appreciate it to it's fullest as it has some great Cincinnati legends in it. Look it up on YouTube.  So awesome. I remember when it came out, and not so very long ago ( sigh )  we were talking and found yet another sign: that we both loved and remembered this song. And, really, that is pretty big.  Well anyway, just a quickie post to remind me of this song. Had a busy day today and did not get much sleep the last 2 nights so I think I will turn in early tonight. This weekend was so fun though.

Ah Goodnight and Peace to all!

Grieving, Signs, And Letting Go

There is so much I need to say and I am not sure how long the inspiration will last so I am going to type furiously while listening to Don't Stop Believing.

First, I have been doing a lot of personal work here. The grief has been unimaginable at times. Who really would have thought that I could have such a huge range of emotions over the course of a day. I go from totally silent and serene, to stark raving mad with despair. Never again will I think of a person struggling with disdain and impatience. We all have our demons. I thought I was stronger. Those who love and support me think I am stronger. But this is absolutely the second hardest thing I have ever been through. And in fact, the two are connected, related in so many ways. I used this example with a friend today, as she tried to understand why I am having such a difficult time " just let it go".  A girl with anorexia is absolutely convinced she is fat, even though she is not. Everyone else can see how thin she is, and the true beauty that lies beneath her skin, while she only sees fat and ugly. No one can convince her otherwise, for her mind is set. She surely wants relief. She does not want to torture herself and have the pain that she feels, is obsessed with, each and every day. So even though it seems so simple to everyone else " you are too thin. You are beautiful. You are unhealthy at this thin weight and need to stop thinking you are fat, you can do this, just stop it..."  She simply cannot see it. And until she heals herself, she will continue to feel that way.  I need to heal. I feel this overwhelming grief, and even though everyone else feels that it should be very easy ( for so many very real reasons, I admit ) it is difficult for me to get over. Oh, I can intellectualize it. I know for each and every reason why I should " Run. Run like your ass is on fire". ( Thank you Kate ) Yet my brain (heart) is looking in that mirror and seeing lack. Until I heal, I will continue to feel that grief, loss, lack. Just because you see the situation as very black and white, there is a lot of grey in it for me. I can understand how those who support me feel. I would tell them the exact same things if they found themselves in this same situation. Really, yes I would. But doing it is not as easy as all that. I cannot turn my grief off like a light bulb. It is intensified by all the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately. Oh, I am on the road to recovery. No question. I am determined to get through this grief and move on to a very happy and fulfilling life. I was so close at this time last year. But I got lost along the way. And was no where near ready to heal. Now, having worked through most of my issues, I truly believe I am on the right road. Grief is such a bitch.

Hopefully ( definitely!) after I have healed, I will be able to really help others wade through their own grief issues. Teach by example. I have a purpose, remember? And it is to help others to heal.

Ok, now something wonderful and really inspiring. Today, while waiting for Karen in the parking lot at Remke, I was nudged to write down a list of songs I wanted to download. I was writing the last song on the list, Gone, Gone, Gone, by Philip Phillips, feeling a deep overwhelming love, and suddenly, it began to play on the radio. I was so surprised that I burst into happy tears. What better a sign than that. Need I any more confirmation? This also brings me to the fact that exactly a year ago, I asked for a sign from the universe, and the next day was rewarded with a blue star balloon. And the bluebirds that flew past in the pasture, a blue I had never seen before, a few days later. Well, today Karen and I went to Big Bone Lick State Park and while hiking back to the parking lot, a woman was taking pictures and stopped and asked us if we could see that beautiful, strange blue bird in a tree. And sure enough, there he was, sitting above us, singing his heart out. The bluest of electric blue. The group of people that gathered 'round all agreed that they had never seen a bird like it. Hmmm... All signs, please please please tell me I am on the right path. Oh baby, please. You are still here. " I'll love you long after you're gone. Like a drum my heart will never stop beating for you."

Oh Silver Fox. Listen to Gone Gone Gone. That is who I deserve. And he has been here all along.

I am ready to be at peace. Open to receive the blessings of the Universe. I've strayed from the path for far too long. It is time to come back Home. Yes, words that have been repeated in the last several posts, as I see my evolution back to "humanity". Oh, my friends. May my eyes be opened, may my heart receive the message and healing it needs to move on. Overcome the fear. This adventure called life. Today I drove a long way, into unfamiliar territory, to go on an adventure with my dear friend. We did it! Next time maybe a little further. And then, who knows. Yes, there are the memories of this time last year. When I finally began to come back to life. I remember. Beautiful memories that cannot be taken away, not even by the harshness of experience. That is what I choose to remember. Those warm, breezy nights beneath the stars. Our stars. That was real. That was true. And on to new adventures. C'mon, Cin. Your new awesome life awaits.

Don't Stop Believing.

 

 

 

 

Yummy Civil War Guy, You still out there??  

 

Home And Belonging

Here I sit, amongst women who also painted with my mother on law Ann. I feel her here with us, as Appalachian Spring plays on the radio. How much more of a sign do I need to prove to me that I am right where I belong. Things are looking up, life is opening back up to me, or is it that I am opening back up to life. Syncronicities are working their way back into my world. I am feeling intuitive, feeling my guides near, feeling my beloved Chip by my side. I can see the gentle look in his eyes as he reaches out to touch my arm in a gesture of love and support. I am loved. I am safe.