Screw You, 2013

After all of my accomplishments and adventures this year, I still must admit that the last 3 months of this year have sucked big time. All learning experiences, of course. But still, what a painful year for me. I need to keep things in perspective. Last year, losing Chip, was the worst year of my life and the hardest thing I have had to endure. So this pales in comparison. Perspective, Cin. And yes, I will now be moving on in my journey without someone that I truly believed to be an important part of my life. Perhaps our paths will cross again under more favorable circumstances.  But I do love you. And I thank you. Because I recognize the lesson in this. I learned that I am capable of loving again, with all m heart and soul. And the second part of this lesson will now be to let go and accept, and to learn to trust again. I have no regrets, for I know that this meeting of our souls was meant to be. I grieve for what was (though I will always have the memories.) And also for what could have been. Oh, This may be painful, but if I create my own reality, I can create healing for my heart. This year has been challenging,  but these challenges will enable me to grow in strength,wisdom and spirit. And therefore, I will enter this new year unencumbered, refreshed, and ready to receive blessings from the Universe. Lets do this.  Love to all for the best year ever. God bless.

Christmas Dreams

Merry Christmas! I pray that everyone has everything that they need and want. I wish you all love. Sending all of you wishes for all your dreams to come true. I pray that my dreams ( hopes and wishes ) come true as well. Be good, Be kind, Be loving.

Love and Light to all.

Better Days

Tonight is Christmas Eve. That magical night. The night that we feed the animals extra goodies. The night that, at Midnight, the animals will receive the ability to talk. And, as always, we want them to have only good things to say to us. So many memories of this night, many, many years ago. The night that Noel was born. And the discussion the next day. That magical day that I shall never forget. I knew then how much I was loved. Love. That is all that I really could ask for. The deepest, most powerful, never-ending love. And that is still all I ask. Santa, for Christmas, I would like to be loved. Loved like that. Like Johnny and June. And for everyone, everywhere, love.

You see, I feel like I am in between. Like I have already checked out. I know I have mentioned this several times lately. I am only half alive.  I don't really understand this feeling, as it is both physical and emotional. My body feels strange, is doing strange things. ( don't ask) I feel half awake, yet always half asleep, again physically as well as spiritually. I wish I understood what is going on. Why do I feel this disconnect? That's a great word to describe it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to step over and go home. But something equally powerful is pulling me to stay here. I am not finished here yet.

Everything is changing. The grief that I have been holding on to as if it were a security blanket is gnawing at me. It has kept me safe and distant for so long now. And now, I think, my heart (or soul) wants to live and breathe again. And I think that my ego, or whatever it is, is fearful of that change. "It's been so safe and warm and sad and lonely here. Why would we want to change that?" Why indeed. To be vulnerable. To risk loving and being hurt again. Fear that I will dishonor the great love that I hold in my soul for Chip. No, dear ego. For, you see, that is not the reality that I choose. I choose life. I choose love. So get the fuck out of my head and shape up. If you want to be a part of this production, you have to play by my rules. I am the creator here. I create my own reality. I choose life. I choose love. I choose happiness. Joy. Peace. Contentment.  True, unadulterated, unending, everlasting. My life is just beginning. And in this new reality, there is only love and happiness. The love that I have for Chip is forever.  A part of each of us connected, eternally. He knows and he wants me to be happy. To find my second soul mate. To live the rest of my reality, this life I am now creating, in love and happiness and joy and peace. To be creative and successful and to bring love and light and healing to others. To finally understand. To live.

And I know, dear White Tiger, that I do not need to do this on my own. I know that there are souls out there that love and support me. And I appreciate and accept that love and support. And return it.  And at this exact moment in time, I need to find this way myself. I can not feel guilty over going inside myself and being a bit selfish and nomadic. I am not pushing you all away forever. This is my journey and the path has just become extremely narrow at this point. Some of you will drop off and go, others will simply drop back and follow until the path widens out again. As I will do on your journeys as well.   Yes, the way has been hard this past couple of months, as everything is changing and falling into place. But I am walking in faith here. I know that I am experiencing the shift that is helping me to create this new reality. Then one that I so desire. And even though the fear is knocking at my very core, trying to sway me, I am fighting. I truly don't want to give up. So many decisions. And I am so afraid that I will make the wrong ones. I was never really good at making up my own mind. Always looked to other people for advice and guidance. But this is the time that I need to listen to my higher self and be at peace. So, I pray that the confusion clears and that I can make that decision, with no fear, no uncertainty and no regrets. I am praying that the Universe gives me a sign. Let me know for sure that the path I choose is the one to all my dearest dreams come true. And of course, for the greatest good of all.

Merry Christmas to all. A time of new beginnings. Love. Have faith. Patience.

Dreams

Most of my dreams zoom right out of my head the minute I awaken. There are only a few I remember and those are very special. Connections. I long for more. They will come to me when they are ready, or probably, when I am ready.

Then there are the other dreams. The imaginings. Dreams of a happy life. Fulfilled. Some of my dreams are fairly simplistic. A beautiful Spring evening under the stars, hand in hand with my love. Others require a bit more thought and action to achieve. Do I want to become a writer? Why, yes, I do. Do I want to have a wonderful home, set up with everything I need to be comfortable? Of course. Do I want the second love of my life to walk by my side? Absolutely!

Time to take some action and acknowledge these dreams. Work towards fulfilling the goals that will help them come true. Life is short. Before, we used to put things off until "next year", or the one after that, thinking that by then we would be better equipped to accomplish those dreams. Well, those years got erased. The dreams never realized. Now it has become apparent that part of the dream is in the living and working toward it. And then it will come true. So the time has come to live. Not next year, or the next. But now. Go forth boldly. This new year, I plan to do exactly that. I am not sure which dreams I will choose. I am not yet sure what all that will entail, but I will walk in faith, and enjoy the journey.

Come walk with me.

Emotionally

Another one of those incredibly emotional days. Oh, I have had a lot on my mind these past several weeks, and truth be told, the past two weeks have been a little more peaceful and relaxing so I don't really know why the meltdown today. Well, it is one year and two months since Chip transitioned. And looking back to this day last year, I believe that I feel pretty much the same. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, it seems as if the emotions are more raw now, than they were 6 months ago. I assume that it is just part of the process. And I have so many things on my mind. I have felt Chip more closely the last week. And that is good, because I was beginning to fear that I was losing the connection. Of course, when we come from fear, the connection does get looser. And I certainly have been very fearful lately. I know I need to just suck it up and be strong. But you cannot really tell someone that until you have walked in their shoes. This time of year is very difficult for me in many ways that most people would not understand. The tractors are hard to start. It is too cold. The water freezes. The hay diminishes. I worry about the cows pushing the fences, which I have not had the time nor the inclination to walk and clear. A good thing, yesterday instead of the snow and sleet that was expected, we got lots of rain. The creek is flowing now and flowing well enough that even if the temperature goes way down, it should not freeze solid. We got 5 bales out to them. Everyone should be content this week. And I am panicking about getting the cows in the barn so I can sell them. But I need to remember that I have done this many, many times. And I can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to, just need to remind myself of it.

One of the keys here is to have a positive attitude and to manifest the life that I desire. I have been very good at manifesting, so this should be a piece of cake. But first I need to come from the right mind frame and from love. And in order to get there, I need to center and ground and relax and allow. All things I have mentioned many times here. I have not been feeling myself lately, and it has been taking it's toll on me. But once I get myself back, I should be ready to rock and roll. And my health, physical, emotional and mental, should return as well.

I think that I am going to really try to do some of my life list things this year. Ride a mechanical bull, walk on hot coals, maybe even ride a camel if I can find one. Why not?  Important thing is to create the life that I want, that I truly want and deserve. I know that it is possible, as I have experienced the wonders of manifesting. So I just need to get in the groove and do it. Time to become a vibrant, magnetic, energetic soul.

Peace, Love and Happiness to all of you!

Happy Anniversary Blog

Wow, here we are, one year later. Hard to believe. I began this blog in faith and hope in the future, and as a journal of my journey through grief and despair, fear and pain. Now we are both one year older. I am not sure that I am wiser, though. Oh, a little bit, I guess. I have had many adventures in the past year. There have been lessons learned, for sure. I have lost and found my way back many times. All learning experiences. Looking back I am a little disappointed in myself for not finding and keeping myself. I know that I need to be gentler and kinder to myself, but still find it discouraging that I have not remained strong and enlightened as I wished. So many things I have learned. I have discovered that I still need to grieve. There are days, now more than ever, that I just want to hole up and cry until no more tears will come. I seem to be more sad, more contemplative. More alone. More alone than I was before. Why is that? What lesson have I to learn here? Why am I so afraid? Am I manufacturing fear? Of course I am. But for what purpose? What has my soul to learn from all this? So many months ago, I felt free and alive again. I opened my heart and began to feel, and breathe and trust and love. And it was so wonderful, so overpowering. So right. I knew without a doubt that it was right. My soul mate for the second half of my life. No doubts, no regrets. All signs pointing toward it. So why am I feeling the fear, the resistance? Life should be total bliss right now. Should be full of dreams of the future. A bright and happy future. So why am I so terrified? I can think of a few reasons. Fear of loss again. It is something everyone who has experienced the loss of a great love and then opens up to new love feels. Fear of having to go through all that again. That is one of the reasons. The key theme in all of my confusion is fear. And ego. But I must go back to the beginning. When I knew in my soul that it was right. Our souls spoke. Now mine is giving me a lesson. I shall pass this test. I will find myself again. For I will only be truly happy when I am at peace with myself. Strange how I have felt on so many occasions that I was evolving and growing. Becoming stronger, wiser, more grounded. You have walked with me on this path, have seen my struggles and victories. My soul cries out to be recognized. The lesson is here and it wants me to succeed. And while I am rambling on here, the words are flowing from my heart to the page. I know that they make little sense and the context fluctuates wildly, but I must allow them to flow for in them there is the answer.

In order to be whole, I must find myself and be myself. No one else can make me whole. And once I discover that, really realize that, then I will succeed. In looking back, I see that all in all I have grown and evolved. Even with the times that I lost myself again in the process, I have learned and experienced many things on this journey. And this new challenge is just another on the path. This one is more important to me than all the previous ones, because I sense that I will experience a huge amount of growth from it. I have always given all of myself. Always lost myself in the process of taking care of everyone else, and asked little in return. But really needed lots of love and reassurance. If this did not mean so much to me, it would not be so confusing. But then again, the fear is trying to control this. You see, this is a lesson in patience, and unconditional love, and trust and faith. In myself and in others. And I know that if I can overcome this one and learn, that I will have leapt a huge hurdle and that a happy, fulfilling life is on the other side of that. So remember this.

I have not blogged regularly for a long time. This is something that I probably need to start doing again. And taking more time for myself. I need to ground again. I find myself getting angry and impatient with people. I have been feeling disconnected with Spirit and the Universe lately. I need to reconnect and recharge my batteries. I have given too much of myself away. Time to recapture me and to center and ground. The stress has become overwhelming and is threatening my very existence. The knee jerk reaction to cut and run is a constant in my psyche. I am walking the tightrope. To either side of me is a choice. Give up, or find my bliss. Or stay on the rope. Two of those choices will kill me. Only one will bring peace. I choose peace. And yes, the fear will continue to knock at the door. My ego will continue to demand my attention. And I pray for the strength to ignore them and to open my heart and my soul to the reality that is awaiting me. No more depression. No more fear. No more doubt. I AM Cindy and I AM a powerful, eternal soul. I AM worthy of absolute, unconditional, eternal love and peace and happiness. And I shall share that light with all. And my soul is rejoicing that I am ready to take on this challenge. I have been afraid and confused for far too long. Reveling in the bliss of new love, hiding. Now let's get out there and bring on the bliss. I pledge to open my heart and soul and receive. I allow all the blessings that I deserve. True love and happiness. All good things. I pray that the Universe and Spirit guide me and give me strength to overcome this and to come to that place of Patience, Trust and Faith. I am going to pass this test. Hope you will all send love and light and energy for success. And love and bliss shall be our reward.

Lets do this.