A Weekend To Remember

And I need to keep it all in my memory bank. Time to shoo out some of the crap and make room for all of the new, wonderful memories, to add to the old beautiful ones, too.

Friday night. Blankets in the back yard, under the stars. Shooting stars. Signs. Then the biggest sign of all, the blue fireball that streaked across the sky. So freaking amazing.

Saturday, building the fire pit. From the rocks that Chip and I had gathered so many years ago, waiting to be built into a wall around the pond that we never got around to putting in. Now they are used. And it is beautiful. They all fit so well, perfectly in fact. We worked together, just like Chip and I always did, and loaded those rocks on the back of the pickup. And when we placed them, they looked so good. I know we had guidance. And then you pointed out that the spot we chose was perfect, and that he had made sure we would choose that spot by making the grass so much greener in just that one spot, catching our attention. Gathering the kindling and the wood from the old corn crib, perfectly split and aged and ready to go. Then a quick run to the grocery store because someone left the milk out all day. Raw cookie dough, devoured on the way back home. Then the cinnamon fire water. Never had anything like that. And it was magnificent. Then we lit the fire, and it was the most wonderful, beautiful thing ever. And we sat beneath the stars, the light of the fire shining in our eyes. Warmth of the flames, coupled with the warmth of the liquor. I laughed because you were sweating. Or was it because of the effects of the shot I had? Amazed that I could stomach that stuff, that it didn't taste half bad. That I actually enjoyed it. And Chip was with us. Laughing. Finally used those damn rocks, didn't ya! Roasting the metts and the marshmallows. Then going back in when the fire was burning low and tumbling into the warm bed.

Sunday. Rainy day. Cool. Good day to just sit around. Lazy. French Toast!!! You know.......  Then I went out in the rain to try to coax Buck to let me go for a ride. When I disappeared into the woods, you put on your shoes, ready to come rescue me. But Buck was too clever, and didn't let me catch him. So I came back, wet. Ah, well. Then watching TV, talking and we baked the rest of the cookie dough. Yes, I guess you are right, they are better baked, all warm and gooey.

Of course, I have left out some of the details. I hope that my memories will remain. The things we said and did that are just for us. And I won't over-analyze. You are teaching me that.

Love always.

Thank You

The healing has begun in earnest. First, I never expected to feel this way. In so many ways. For so many reasons. And then, tonight. This wave passed over me and all of a sudden I was immersed in the most terrifying release of  grief and fear than I ever thought possible. And the relief that I now feel is so tangible. I feel raw. Like when you rip that band aid right off. All this time I was plugging along, being strong and brave (or so I thought) keeping it all together, running the farm, taking care of business. Never allowing myself to really experience the emotions. (Oh, I thought I was, but on the contrary, now I know I wasn't fully allowing them). Yeah, I can do this, I am strong, I am independent. Huh! Silly me. And here we are. And now it comes. All of a sudden I am reminded of all of the challenges, how hard it has been. How alone I really was. (Chip of course is always by my side.) Do you know how good it is to have someone hold you tight and close and let you know that you are ok and that you are safe? You are here and you showed me.  All of this time I have been so terrified, and never admitted it. And it is ok. Because I needed this. My soul has decided that now is the time to really begin to live again. We are ready to heal. To be happy again. To love. To feel bliss and joy. To be whole again.  I have accomplished many things in the past 11 months, on my own. And it has been hard. Even though I have celebrated these accomplishments, there was always something missing. My soul knew, but was too busy trying to heal and grow from our pain to acknowledge it. Now we can feel. Now we are never alone. I am you. And you are me. And we are one.  Thank you, love, for this. To both my loves.

Calm And Relaxing

This is where I want to be. The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, mostly very pleasant. Being in love again is so refreshing and comforting. Work has been busy and stressful, and I have to consider that my co-workers are stressed so I am taking on a lot of their vibrations in addition to my own. Why I haven't realized before now that I need to just ground and shield myself, I don't know.  I dislike this feeling of being unable to concentrate and of being overwhelmed. And it doesn't help to feel inadequate. That's just because I don't know everything I want to know in order to do this job better. But I am learning every day and that is a good step in the right direction.

It is so funny to me that these posts ebb and flow so. It has been a while since I have blogged, both because I have not taken the time and because I have not had the inspiration. Just like with my book, the words will come when they are ready. So as I sit here to write, all of a sudden my mind goes blank and that is my cue to just relax and when it is right, the words will come.

Until then,

Namaste

Signs

*EDIT* 
This was a post from last week that I forgot to publish, so I am adding it now.


This is one of those posts where I feel the need to share, but the words are hiding from my consciousness. So much of the past 11 months has been filled with both sadness and awe. There are so many things that I have experienced and it is really hard to believe that it has been almost a year. In looking back, I realize that I have done so many things that are not in my nature. I have become a new person. Oh, I am the same old Cindy as always, but I have added to my chest of experiences. Who would have thought 11 months ago that I would be where I am today. 11 months ago, it was the end of the world. My beloved soul mate transitioned to a new form of existence and I was left behind to pick up the pieces and ford this terrifying river on my own. Oh, he has always been by my side in spirit, I know this. But it was still very hard to forge ahead, feeling like one half of the whole. Look at all of the things that I have done since, though, the courage that I now know I exhibited in sharing my fears and dreams and experiences. So many things. Perhaps they seem trivial to some, but to me they are big steps. Each and every step of the way, I have learned something valuable. From the sheer joy of dancing to a live band, to the incomparable feeling of finding new love. I have learned that I can feel again.

And I must admit again that I am doing so many more things than ever before. And there are many adventures to come. Life is too short. There is a mechanical bull to ride, hot coals to walk on, a horse to train, love to be made. A book to write. Seminars to give. My spirit is filled with the longing and anticipation of new adventures and excitement. Live life with joy.

Ronnie and I are comparing all of the signs we are noticing that point toward our coming together. There have been a couple of big ones for me. And for him as well. And the feeling in my heart is one of contentment. There is no doubt here. I have not felt this whole in a long time.

Each person grieves in their own way, in their own time. I believed that I would never get over and through this trauma. However, I have begun to realize that everything in my life this past year had occurred in an accelerated manner. As White Tiger would say, I am a powerful manifester. I don't want to waste a moment of love, joy and happiness.

Perspective

Today was a rough one. It started this morning as I was drinking my coffee . Out of nowhere, a huge wave of grief washed over me and I was completely paralyzed with it. I felt totally incapacitated. Here we are, 11 months was the 15th, so we are going on the one year anniversary of Chip's transition. I wasn't really thinking about it at that moment, but it must have wanted to surface because it blindsided me and knocked me over. Probably because the sun was in the sky just the same as one of those days last year, and the shadows on the yard looked familiar. The temperature. I began to remember those terrible days, the pain and the fear and the horror of watching the love of my life begin his transition from the physical to the spiritual realm. And I couldn't stop the memories. They were ready to come and would not allow me to block them. So I rode it out. And it was hard. I had not thought that I would feel this way. I was prepared for the anniversary and knew that on that day I might have some emotions, but feel like I have been pretty stoic for the most part. Every one has told me how strong and brave I have been through all of this and I have had very few breakdowns, and none in public. So this was different. And I let it flow. God, it's hard to cry in front of people, even those you know and care about and feel safe with. And I got a lot of support. I was able to realize that my inability to focus and concentrate for the last couple of weeks is directly related to this. That my grief has been building and it was time for it to express itself. And now I feel better. Purged. So I realize that things may come up from time to time, even when I think I am ok. The best thing to do is just to acknowledge and allow and feel the emotions that surface. It is all healing. Chip is here, he does not want me to hurt like this, but I have to work through all of the stages, and honor what comes. This is all part of the process. So here we are, in a very vulnerable situation. I am expressing what I did perceive as weakness, but know and understand now is actually strength. Things will continue to get better and better in life. You will see. It is all in how you look at it.

Busy Being Happy

Seems like a while since I have posted. I have been having so much fun that I haven't taken much time to blog. The words are right there on the edge wanting to come out but just don't seem quite ready yet. Usually when this happens, I sit here, grasping for words and don't feel as if I make much sense. This is turning out to be one of those days. But really, I needed to check in and say hello.

Something I need to post about is the reactions of loved ones when you decide to move on after the loss of a great love. I am fortunate that the majority of my family and friends are being extremely supportive and are excited that Ronnie and I have found one another and we are so very happy. That makes it so much easier to enjoy the bliss of a new and wonderful relationship. As I have mentioned previously, each of us grieves in our own way and in our own time. In the beginning, I was resigned to the fact that based on the amount of love I had for Chip, that I may never love another again. But as I have worked through my grief, I have begun to realize that not only was I beginning to long for a companion to walk beside in the physical, but also that Chip was encouraging me to do so. Looking back at some of my past posts, I can see where the idea was emerging that someone was on his way, and I began to feel the pull of his heart. I probably resisted for a while, out of love and respect and probably a little guilt. But once I opened up and allowed, my knight in shining armor appeared. I don't want to make this a personal post, but rather one that is encouraging to others who may be going through the same thing. When you are ready, you will know. Without a doubt. Before, I had felt doubt, was confused and off balance. Now I know that what I have is real and true. You will know. And it will be ok. I have no doubt that Chip is behind this whole thing, loving and encouraging us. I believe that Ronnie and I are destined to be one. And now that I am having this feeling of peace and contentment, I know that it is right and good. And you will too.

Remember, there is always room for love.

A New Way Of Thinking

This is the beginning of my next step on this wonderful journey. Those of you who have been following me along this path, have come to know me, and my deepest feelings. The ups and downs and joys that I have experienced. One of the greatest challenges after the physical death of a loved one, a soul mate, is in becoming open to new relationships. You have experienced my grief and pain, and the struggles I have encountered, the questions I have posited as I try to understand what the next step will entail. I have always known that Chip and the Universe were sending me a companion to walk beside. I had no idea when or where, and was both impatient and hesitant. How could I possibly open my heart to someone else. Chip is my beloved, my soul mate. I felt the pull of my new companions heart. He was close. Who? Then, with the advice of some very beloved friends, I understood that I must just relax, allow, and release to the universe, and trust in my inner guide. Remember the job??  Well, as soon as I began to follow the guidance of my higher self, along he came. And my heart has told me that it is ok. And so has Chip. He is here with us and he is assuring me that all is well.

It feels as if Ronnie and I have known one another all of our lives. There is a connection. The only other person in this world that I have felt like this with is Chip. One thing to make quite clear, I feel at complete peace. Now I know what my inner guide has been telling me. Previously, I had been confused and unsure, not trusting my gut. Not having a frame of reference was making it difficult for me to come to a clear decision as to what I was truly experiencing. No longer. All has been revealed to me. As I struggle to find the words deserving of this post, I find it difficult. I am trying to let you know that this is a huge, terrifying step for those who have "lost" their beloved soul mates. No one will ever take the place of the one you have loved so dearly. But I now know and understand that there is always room for love. Each person that enters our heart, our soul space, has their own place. Each is here for a reason. Our loved ones want us to be happy and fulfilled. It is all about love over there.

It feels like this is a good place to put this post to bed for now. My mind is tired, in a good, satisfying way. I have not felt such clarity in a long time. My beloved friends, I have reached a new chapter, one that includes both Chip and my new companion, Ronnie. As always, I hope that you will follow us as we make our journey together, on this incredible adventure called life.

Namaste