On Writing

"Write it down" he says. Well yes, I do. So that I can record all the wonderful things that have been said and done so that I can remember. Sadly, I was hoping that I would have more than mere memories. I was hoping that those wonderful things would continue "to infinity and beyond". But, alas, I do have the memories. And that way I know that what we said was true, and real, and not a figment of my imagination. I didn't make this stuff up, I swear. I am not crazy. But as I type these bittersweet words, my heart is ok. It is not hurting so badly, but rather feels at peace. Ending this chapter of my life, my journey, and beginning the next one. That is why I write.

As I look back at my older posts, I see my progression, and regression, through the trials and tribulations of life. I am learning. Right now I have learned to not be so needy. To not give so much so quickly. To be more independent ( as I always was anyway). To know that I am whole and complete just as I am and a super bonus for anyone who earns my love and trust. Over the past 22 years, I did not need to have these lessons, as I was blessed with the most honest, loyal partner that has ever walked this earth. Sigh. I should have taken what I learned from him and applied it here, but had no frame of reference to work from. I am ( was) totally naïve and did not believe that there would be such conniving people out there. It is just in my nature to be trusting, because I try so hard to be honest and trustworthy myself. If someone looks into my eyes and professes their feelings to me, I tend to believe them. And when it makes me feel so good and wonderful inside, I WANT to believe them. Yeah, I have to work on that. That and not wanting to keep in touch 24/7. Lesson learned.

You know that you are going to be ok when you cease to hurt any more.

This is all a part of my journey. And now that I am back on the path, I hope that things begin to escalate forward again, and I am able to quickly manifest my hearts desires. I pray for the strength to remember. Remember the lessons, and why I needed them. Remember that everything is going to get better and better. Remember WHO I AM. And I am surrounded with a great group of angels and guides to support me along the way.

This blog is a record of my journey, but I also intended it to be a source of healing and inspiration for others who read it and are going through the same lessons. Lately it seems to be just a sounding board for my "woe is me" feelings. Of course, I hope to look back on these posts and say to myself " wow, look at how badly you hurt over that and look at you now. You rock, girl! Life is 100 times better than it was when you thought it was the best back then."  Yes, life is only going to get better and better for all of us. You will see. And we will look back and say, " yeah, what was I so worried about? "

That is why I write.

 

For you Ronnie 

 

 

 

Chasing Forever

It's funny how life is. The things life throws at you. One minute you are going along, minding your own business, then BAM!!, life lobs something your way when you least expect it.

Have I not yet learned that I need to  relax and allow life to happen? To not try so hard to "find" the things I want and need. See, all the best things that have come to me have come when I have sent the intention or request out there, and then just let go and allowed them to come.

I had lost my way. I've been lost for nearly eight months now. Got caught up in all this drama and emotions. Where ten months ago I felt alive again for the first in a long time, the remaining time has been difficult. I have had many lessons to learn. Painful ones. And I know that I have posted my ups and downs here. There were times when I was in such despair, and then others when I was so uplifted and eager. One hell of a bipolar roller coaster ride. All lessons. Yeah, things crashed and burned, went up in flames. But from those flames, I emerge, the Phoenix. Reborn and new and fresh and ready to get back to my life purpose. I know that those of you who read this blog regularly have seen this coming for a while now, based on the posts and the hints contained therein. It just took a lot of experiences to piece together to form the final destination. I just needed to clear that negative energy from my life once and for all and now I need to infuse myself with positive healing energy.

My book has come back into my life, wanting some attention, but shyly- not demanding. I find myself writing snippets of ideas here and there, on scraps of paper or whatever is handy. As the idea comes into my head, I have to record it quickly, lest I forget. I am hopeful that I will begin channeling some good material again soon. I seem to have lost that ability during those difficult times as well. Everything seemed to halt. I should have seen that as a definite sign that I was not in alignment with my souls purpose. And oh, my intuition was screaming at me. Hindsight. But I am proud because now I realize that it really was my intuition and not just my imagination. And that demonstrates to me what my intuition feels like, so I know next time to listen up! In the past I had not had much need to use intuition. I was rarely in danger. So therefore, as it was little used, I did not know what it felt like. Oh, Friday night and last night it was banging me on the head with a two by four, and now I know why. Bittersweet victory, that. Don't tell me I'm not psychic. It's not just because I was suspicious and untrusting, its because you really were a lying, cheating, douche. Oh my, did I say that?? 

So my thoughts are winding down for now. I need to go walk and reconnect. More to say, but another time, another post. My thanks to the Universe for this lesson. May I use the knowledge I have gained wisely, for the greatest good. And NEVER go back there again. I am brand new, fresh, and this girl is on fire!!

Midnight

It is Midnight and I have just finished up a conversation with someone that I have come to care very deeply about. Thank you. My head is pounding and my eyes are bleary. I have not slept well in weeks. This feeling of uncertainty and emptiness has been overwhelming. I finally feel that I can begin to think clearly. You see, sometimes you simply cannot do it all alone. I have been trying to be strong, not realizing that the real strength lay in being able to reach out and ask for help. Part of my personality is that I have to be the "fixer", I have to take care of everyone. But that leaves me empty and drained, and unable to take care of myself. It is time, actually it is way past that time, to accept that I need some help and to allow others into my life to aid and support me.

Thank you again, friend.

Aside from losing the love of my life, this is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I guess it is because my life has been so wonderful up till now. I have lived a very calm, peaceful and loving life. Then last year, things got turned upside down. First in wonderful, fun ways, but then in very stressful and painful ways. The stress and pain had caused me to stray from my path, to lose my connection to Spirit and all things dear to me. How could I have been so blind? I was so busy working on that situation and trying to hold on that I could not concentrate on living authentically. Now it is time once again to align with my true purpose, my souls calling. I regret the time that could be considered as wasted, yet have no regrets as there are no mistakes, only lessons. I pray that I have finally learned that lesson. I pray that my heart will now heal and I will be able to move forward again.

Thank you to my friends who are supporting me. I could never have imagined that this would be so painful, so hard. I must remember that I am worthy. I am whole and complete and awesome just as I am. I have made no mistakes in this relationship, only learned a great deal of painful lessons. As mentioned in the last couple of posts, I release all attachments to the people who have caused me so much pain. I send you off with love and thanks for the opportunity to learn and grow from this situation. Now I am free. You have no power over me, ever again.  When you run with the pigs, you get muddy. Time to wash off that mud and make some bacon!

White Tiger, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the lead of my support group. I send you much love and appreciation.

Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

This is true. More true than the greatest truth I know. Too much water has flowed under this bridge, and washed away the beauty of our love. The memories will always be here. Those wonderful, wonderful times that our two souls became one. My twin flame. That makes so much sense to me. The pull of your heart, the crazy insane love we felt. How you made me feel alive again. That was your purpose, among others. I thank you. I honor you. I love you. I release you. Our contract is completed. In retrospect, I should have known. But had I known, would I have followed through to the end? Would I have allowed myself to experience this lesson, knowing the pain it would create? My soul told me I needed to continue, in order for this to be complete, to come full circle. That explains it all. Why I opened up so much so quickly and then hung on for dear life even though I was feeling the end. Why I did not walk away. This was one hell of a lesson. And I am now confident that we have followed it through to completion.  Now we are free. I thank you for the lesson, and also for the incredible love and fun that we did have in the beginning. I pray that I have helped you on your journey, that your heart truly did sing for us.  I shall never forget you. Perhaps our paths shall cross again in this lifetime. If not, certainly on the other side.  I wish you love. You will always have mine. To Infinity And Beyond.

Sad Endings And New Beginnings

Here I sit at the auction, ready to watch the last of the beef herd sell. A flurry of activity. Ran into Cowboy Dave, who sold Tonka to me. On the drive here I was struck with a wave of grief, realizing that this is likely the last time I will be here. I remember coming here with Chip. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. But it is time to begin again. In so many ways. I am so tired of endings. I wish everything could be like it was, when things were wonderful. Even my second chapter....  How I wish I had someone sitting next to me here, right now. Oh, Chip is here, I know that.  But since he is no longer in the physical,  I long for a companion. Someone should be here by my side, loving me. Someday. I will allow the Universe to guide me here. Well, I'm distracted, so I will finish up after the sale.

Second Chance Ranch

This is just a quickie post, because what I really wanted to talk about tonight is too raw and important, and will take much thought to put into the right words. But happily:

I have adopted a new member of Guinea Run Farm. You would think I would have pictures, but I have been so busy and haven't taken my phone to the barn with me. When we went to Whitewater to camp two weekends ago, I went to the riding stables and was "nudged" to ask the owner if he had any horses for sale. He started telling me about a small horse he had and I immediately said that it was too small ( I love my big horses). But the nudge told me to follow it so I asked to see the guy. He was just a little bitty guy and I could tell he was not happy and was getting picked on and beat up. Ohhhh. So I told him to tack the horse up and I rode him. What joy!! He's a tenacious little guy. We trotted all over the place and finally I got him to canter in the small round ring they put us in. He even went up and down the see saw. So yeah, I bought him. And they followed us home to deliver him, and when he came out of the trailer, I rode him with just his halter and a lead rope and he was amazing! So welcome home, Tonka. His name was Duke, but it did not suit him. I felt like a new name was appropriate to go along with his new life. He seems to like Tonka.

Tonka took right to the other horses, and they took to him too. In fact, they seem to be fast friends. Ringer got very sick Sunday night and I was afraid we were going to lose her. She got a very high fever and was soaking wet, got very weak and shaky. We had to move her into the open part of the barn so if she did die, I would be able to get her out with the tractor. As soon as we got her moved, she dropped and I really thought she was gone. She lay there panting and sweating and shaking, then calmed down as her fever broke.  She was so worried about where the others were that we decided to bring them in to say goodbye. After they came in and sniffed her and we put them back in the pasture, Ringer just jumped back up and started trying to get to them. Crazy girl. At 31, she is ancient, so every day is a blessing. Also during this I learned something. Prudy was by my side. This is a very hard thing to do, watch a dear friend and family member suffer and prepare to transition. Yet we did it together. Yet again. And Rose called and offered her help as well. Just to sit with me in the barn in the darkness, so I would not be alone. Who did not? You know who. Just another reason. If you truly love and care about someone, you would be there for them during something like this. Thank you for one more reason. No Soup ( second chance )  For You!!!

So here we are. In a weeks time, two horses got a second chance at a happy life here. I pledge to give them the best I can, the way nature intended.

Also, the hay is done. It was really easy this time because Georgia's boys are right down the street and they just came down in their own equipment and got it all done. Woo hoo. And the remaining cows are in the barn to go to the auction in Brookville tomorrow. Ahhhhh. I am purging some dead weight and some negativity from my life. It is time to finally come back to where I belong. And allow the Universe to send me the right people and circumstances to make my life the best it has ever been.

Yes, even I get a second chance. 

Realizations, Reality And Recovery

Ok, so I have been depressed and wandering for a while now. I have my ups and downs, as we all do and it seems that there is always something to keep going for, striving for. For me that is love, understanding, awakening. I realize that a dream of mine, something I have been holding on to way too tightly, is not to be. I gave it my all. Gave it a real good try. But there are just some things that are not possible, or not as meant to be as I once thought. Sometimes you have to weigh the cost versus the value. Sometimes things are just too hard. I am not a quitter. I am pretty tenacious when I want to be, but I also need to realize ( as is one of my lessons ) that sometimes you just need to let go.  God how I grieve.

Speaking of grief, a friend of mine lost his battle with cancer yesterday. So young, so unfair. A good man with a wife and small children. Why? He was so kind to me when Chip passed away, offering me help on the farm, cutting down trees, fixing my loader, digging a new pond. He was already ill with the cancer by then and I never took him up on his offer because I knew he needed to concentrate on his own family. Something both disturbs and enlightens me. You see, the night that he passed, I felt him. At least I think it was him. It did not feel like Chip, although I think Chip was there as well, but it was a different presence. And I knew that he was gone. It was a scary feeling, but a very peaceful one as well. Hard to explain because it was one of those wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-as-if-from-a-bad-dream kind of feelings. And I knew. But this energizes me as well because I feel like I am getting connected again. For a long time I have been out of alignment with my connection to Spirit, and I feel as if this is an initiation, an invitation back. And that feels good.

( Karen, you are not the person I am speaking of in this paragraph, so don't worry) Also this week a person that I cared very much for but had not spoken  to in quite some time contacted me and sent me quite a few accusations, making assumptions that were no where near the truth. I was stunned and hurt. But it also opened an awareness in me as to how I have been feeling lately. I have not blogged regularly for a long time, and as I explain in my posts, it is because the words just don't want to come, or that my feelings are way too personal for the public eye. But that may be because I have lost a lot of my connection. So I need to get that back. It is my destiny. What an enigma I am! I tend to run away and hide when stressed and overwhelmed, yet I reach out and need the input of others desperately at the same time. How can that be possible? I think we came to an understanding, that it was all a big misunderstanding. But it really did show me how restricted I have been lately. Oppressed and overwhelmed.

This is one of those very personal posts. One in which I am sharing things that are very frightening to me. I have to stop chasing after a dream and sit back and allow the Universe to deliver it to me in the right time. (Another of my lessons - patience) You see, I feel the shift. My body is vibrating, nearly shaking. I hope that means that I am saying my truth and raising my vibration again. I have been wallowing in far too dense a state and it has taken its toll. It is time to raise that vibration and get re-connected to Source. Been feeling this very strongly for a few nights now. Unable to sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to walk outside and look at the stars and pray and cry for what I had so dearly hoped for and now realize I must let go. Signs, as I posted the other day, are presenting themselves to me again. Someone is trying to get my attention. I am afraid of being alone. Lonely. I admit it. I never was, but when you had something so wonderful and supportive, that beautiful companionship, and then lose it, it is scary. I have always been a loner, always liked to walk off into the woods by myself and get lost in the pure joy of being in nature, connecting with Source. But I also knew that when I got back, there was someone there waiting for me, arms wide open to offer a loving hug and kiss. LOVE. The thing I seek.  And so here I sit, shaky and vibrating, and I look at my coffee cup and wonder if it is the caffeine? No, because I have been feeling this way for a few days now. And last night my heart was pounding. So either I am having some kind of medical emergency or there is a shift going on inside me.

The rub is that I am both eager and afraid. I opened my heart before, allowed, and was gravely disappointed. Can I trust again? I have to remember that I was alone after Chip passed away and I did ok. I am stronger than I think. And you know, my guides have sent me the message that they acknowledge my strength. I need to remember who I am. God, I need peace. How? No more drama, dysfunction, stress, negativity. I am a very peaceful person, and when I feel like smacking someone for cutting me off, etc. then I know that I am not in the right place. But how to get there again? Oh, God, last September I felt as if I were in Heaven again. Why can't I have that back? Where is that peace and joy? Life is not this difficult. But sometimes our lessons are and this is a lesson I must pass. The reward will be peace. And bliss. And love.

Don't we need to take care of ourselves? If something makes me unhappy, do I not have the right to remove it from my life? I don't need to suffer, do I? I am allowed to remove the negative influences from my life and open to positive vibrations, right? Like attracts like. I have been so absorbed in these negative vibrations that I am only birthing more negativity. It is time to become positive. It is time to draw forth peace and love and bliss into my life. God how I grieve for what was. But maybe what it to be is so much better. 10 time better than the best of what was. The farm is overwhelming me. Way more work to do than I ever could do by myself. More than I ever want to do. It just is not in my heart any more.

Oh, the random ramblings. But I am getting a lot out - stream of consciousness like. The words are pouring out but they may not make much sense. I guess the main theme of this post is that I am awakening again and I like it but I am also having to leave some things behind, things that I have loved dearly. But have realized that they are not helping me. The whole point of this game of life is to learn, to explore, to enjoy the journey and to love. It is going to take a great deal of courage to take this next path before me. I know of some people, both here and on the other side, who will walk with me, and there are some new souls I know I will pick up along the way.

 

 

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!  <3