Untamed Majesty

The ground is cool and firm beneath my feet, the tiny white clover buds tickling my toes as I step gingerly across the field. A warm breeze drifts through the woods that lay before me, rustling the leaves on the trees, brushing 'cross my face, ruffling my hair. I reach up to brush the bangs from my eyes and see a flash of white in the underbrush. A few quick steps and leaning down and I find myself face to face with a little black whiskered nose, peeking through the rose bushes. Coaxing with an upturned hand, I draw the little fox out from the bush as he sniffs and licks, looking for a treat. I remove the backpack from my shoulders and pull out a sandwich that I had packed for the walk. He perks up and sits back on his haunches, begging. Laughing, I tear off a piece and hand it to him. The fox gracefully accepts my offering, then licks his paws and washes his face. His comical behavior makes me laugh and he looks up quizzically, as if to say " what's so funny?". Slowly, I reach out to stroke his soft, grey fur, and he leans into me and closes his eyes as if in bliss. We continue the walk, my new companion and I, as the sun begins to go down in the western sky. Small creatures, rabbits and mice, do not scatter before us as I would expect, but sit calmly, observing us. They seem to intuit that we mean no harm and simply greet us and wish us well on our way.

Deeper into the woods, it is much darker than in the clearing. The canopy of the trees creating a ceiling of branches and leaves. The air is much cooler here, and the ground smells rich and earthy. I decide to go back to the clearing, so that we may watch the stars. We head to the East, to the nearest opening through the trees. Just as we reach the clearing, a large horse emerges from the wood opposite ours. He strides directly to us without hesitation and stands before us. His coat is a beautiful grey, speckled salt and pepper throughout with black. He favors his right front, and I step to the side to see why. A long gash crosses his right shoulder and looking down, I discover his fetlock is also cut, a thin piece of wire wrapped and tightened around it. "What have you done here? " I ask softly, as I bend and begin to gingerly unwrap the wire. Finished, I run my hands down his leg, ensuring there is no damage to the ligaments or bone. Satisfied, I rise and give him a quick pat. His soft lips nuzzle my neck and tears prick my eyes as I watch the little fox step forward and begin licking the horses leg, soothing the torn skin.

My two companions and I continue our walk. The path is clear and smooth. The sun is nearly down and the stars are beginning to twinkle in the night sky. White horse, white fox, they glow in the dusk, as we trek across the field. A shooting star streaks across the sky, catching my attention, and as I look back down, toward my destination, I see a figure standing near the edge of the field. My soul calls out in joy as it recognizes this new companion, and I find myself running toward him with no conscious effort. Chip has come to join me on this walk. We wrap our arms around one another and then I reach up and cup his face in my hands, running my fingers through his beard. We begin to walk the loop, clasping one another's hands. No words need be exchanged, for all is felt between us. The evening seems to last forever, lost in the love that we share, as we feel and experience our unending connection.  As we come round the last part of the loop, he nods to the darkened sky, indicating the lateness of the day and turns me toward home.

Fox and horse follow us to the fence line. I give each a pat and a kiss on the nose, then watch as they each turn and amble back to their wood, knowing that we will join together again soon. I duck beneath the stand of electric wire and straighten back on the other side. Chip is still with me and my heart leaps at the realization that he will be staying. He takes my hand in his and we turn toward home as a thousand shooting stars streak across the night sky.

Bravado

Yesterday at the reunion was just plain strange. In some ways it was more difficult than I thought, and in others it was better than expected. Does that even make sense? A large number of people did not feel comfortable approaching me. Only the closest of Chip's cousins actually spent time talking with me. Their discomfort was palpable. This is the first time I have seen the majority of them since Chip transitioned and I found myself feeling guilty and sad for making them feel bad! What on earth! Death certainly does make people uncomfortable. My closest cousins and nieces and nephews were the rocks that I needed to get through the day. And of course, I went in with no real expectations. Rather, I went there with an open heart and mind - just live the day and see what it brings. All in all I felt pretty comfortable. Chip was there, although I was so busy and distracted by the number of people and action going on around us that I did not connect with him as I would have liked to. There were only a couple of times that I had the urge to run, but I braved through them and tried to smile. Everyone deals with life in their own way. It is our own personal journey. This is another one of those very personal experiences that I am unsure if I should share here or not, but feel compelled to do so. Some day I will look back on this post and have a better insight, a more experienced point of view. Maybe someone else will read this, just before a gathering and find comfort from my experience. What I gained from it at this point in time is that it was painful to be there without him, and I was flooded with lots of memories of us being there together. How we sat at that particular spot, how we played cards and laughed, how we brought the keg, how we went for a walk, hand-in-hand after most everyone had left, etc. And also though, that I was there to represent us. We still exist, Damn it! For me to have not gone would not have been honoring his memory. Now had I really not felt like going, that would have been ok as well. Just saying that after the fact, these are my feelings. It was kind of a neutral day. Neither good nor bad came from it. No real mind blowing insights. I think that Chip was pleased that I went, but know that had I not gone, he would not have been disappointed. Basically, what I guess I am trying to say is that it is up to me. And this is important. I am beginning to live my life based on what I want and need, with the knowledge and understanding that Chip only wants what I want too. Joy. Peace. Happiness. Fulfillment.

I feel that I am becoming a whole person again. And I know that this is an integral part of my growth. Rather than depending on other's guidance and advice, I am beginning to find my own way. There are so many questions I have, so many desires and dreams to realize. And I know, I KNOW that I am on the right path. And I also know that I do not walk alone.

Much Love

A Busy And Fun Day Ahead

Today is the family reunion. As a proponent of positive thinking, I am a little ashamed to say that I was feeling very reticent to attend this year, fearing that it will be too overwhelming for me. The last time I saw everyone was at Chip's funeral. I don't like that word. Memorial is better. Evidently Pru was feeling the same way until we discussed it via e-mail. Up until a few days ago I felt that it would be too much and that, based on the emotions I experienced during the hay season, watching someone else do his work and drive his beloved Big Blue Tractor , it would make me too sad to be able to interact with everyone. But after working through things in my head ( and this is really important here because I made this decision completely on my own without asking ANYONE for advice ) I decided that I need to go. To represent us. Chip will be by my side. And I will not go in with any pre formed expectations. Best to be open and ready to have fun. He would want us to go on and enjoy, and connecting with his family is an excellent way to connect with him as well. So yes, I will be attending. And looking forward to it. And it helps that my new partner in crime, Bonnie, is in charge of setting everything up and I am going with her to help get everything together and ready for the party. Then tonight afterward she is having a campfire at her house. And I can actually drive back home even in the dark, since she is my next door neighbor of sorts.  So I AM looking forward to this. My hope is that Chip will be very close and we will connect and enjoy the day together.

Something is definitely in the air. Bluebirds. Remember that. Twice now. And the feeling that washed over me each time I saw them. Not your regular bluebirds. Much deeper. And it occurred to me last night that when doing my experiments, the universe first sent me a blue balloon, then a blue Easter egg ( laying next to my car in the parking lot in July - what else could that be but a sign? ) and now blue birds! And each and every one so far has a sort of connection to the other - bird, egg, the ability to fly, blue. LOL, I just saw the unintended pun in the first sentence of this paragraph! Ohhh so now I have a bit of a game going - discover the message!

This is kind of a personal thing and maybe I should reserve some of my observations and feelings for my private journal. I go back and forth on whether or not I should share as much as I do. But really, it is all part of the process. The voice that I usually use in this blog is one of a friend discussing her feelings and experiences with other friends. And it does take some courage to be so vulnerable. I am not nearly as anonymous as I was 6 months ago. But, and I have said this before, I need to be true to myself. I will look through these posts in the future and re-experience my growth and evolution. I will laugh at some of the crazy, off the wall adventures I have been on ( tattoo, mystery Civil War cowboy anyone? ) and so many others to come. Being able to review the times when I felt overwhelmed and discouraged and then the next day had one of the most wonderful days, it is a good lesson. We tend to forget the good days and focus only on the bad. We need a reminder of the good.
And in reality, there is so much more good. In fact, it is all good. Without the bad, one would never realize just how amazingly good things really are. Tends to put things in perspective.
Ha, I am rambling now.

Guess the important thing to pull out of my head right now ( because it keeps knocking and wants to be recognized ) is that through this journey I am connecting with some amazing friends. And this connection seems to be getting stronger and stronger each moment. Not hard to realize that the universe is sending me the people that are meant to be here, and maybe, just maybe, I am meant to be in their lives, too. I will not name names, because you know who you are when I say how grateful I am for the dearest friends that have come into my life and accepted me into yours. And I just got a flash, a very strong one, that I have a purpose in your lives too. That is undeniable. Ah! Source is speaking to me again. Or, better stated, I am grounding and allowing and receiving again.

Thank you dear friends for your love and support. Know that I am here for you as well. This has been gnawing  at me for several days now. My purpose is coming to consciousness. Another of those times of realizing that things are falling into place. The signs are there, just need to look for them.

Don't Stop Believing

This has so many meanings. I was prompted to write this post because of an email that my boss sent me with a pin from pinterest.  It says this:

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking,
Because her trust is not in the branch
But in her own wings.
Always believe in yourself.

Ok, so how awesome is that? In so many ways. She thought of me and encouraged me. And perfect timing. So what a great reminder to believe in yourself.

Not only that, but can you imagine how touched I am and how much this means to me. Becky, you are one in a million. I am so lucky that I get to be your assistant.

And last night was an unforgettable night. For a while now I have felt a bit disconnected from things. Stress and worry and other things were getting in the way of my being able to relax and open and allow and connect. It is very discouraging when you go from feeling in tune and connected with the Universe, to being unable to get in the groove and feel grounded and centered. My new friend, White Tiger, gave me some tools and advice to help me to get back to where I need to be. The peace and bliss I now feel is overpowering. I was beginning to lose faith that I would ever regain this feeling, and now I know that it was here all along. Again, believe in yourself.

Sometimes, when life seems to be at it's darkest, and it seems that there is no hope, no relief, no love in sight, just wait. Just a little longer. Believe. And you will find that just around the corner will appear a bright, shining light, illuminating the rest of the path. And as you get closer to the source of the light, you will discover that you are observing your own reflection in a wall of mirrors, radiating your love and life force outward, encouraging,  lighting the way  for all the beings of the world to follow. And they will join you and walk beside you in loving companionship. Believe.

We are all one. We shine our light for one another. We are here for each other. Don't be afraid to love. Don't be afraid to reach out. We each have a gift to offer this universe. Be patient. Be kind.
Be unafraid. Believe.

A Quick Blog Before Bed

What a terrific, fantastic, amazing night! Someone did a wonderful thing for me. And it is late and I need to get to bed, because, well, Chip is waiting to talk to me. In my dreams. Thank you White Tiger.

The farm in Indiana is officially on the market, at a steal of a price by the way. Looking at the pictures of the place on the website, makes me want to change my mind and keep it. But the revenue can be better put to use here at home and help make this place the paradise that it can be.  Here is the link to the listing if anyone wants to have a look. It is a fantastic hay field, and would make a great building lot with lots of room for horses. Look at those fields of gold.

http://www.martini.huff.com/property/800-e--sunman-in-47041_148961#ad-image-0

Well, that's all folks. Very emotional ( in a good way ) night.

I want to send my love to all, and wish you all love and light.

Perfection? Whatever For?

You got that right. You figured it out. But that is because you are awesome. Yeah, it makes complete sense that my stress was caused by my childhood conditioning and the need for perfection. It is just that I do not want to make mistakes, and I want to do everything perfectly. Now, when you just take a step back and look at the situation from a different viewpoint ( someone else's ) it really is ridiculous to think that anyone ( myself included) should expect perfection. If there is something that I have never done before and do not know how to do, why would I beat myself up for not knowing? That's just crazy. And then I become obsessed with the fear that people will look down on me because I do not know or am not familiar with things. And why would they? No one is putting pressure on me except for me. I feel that I should automatically know how to do everything, and to do it perfectly. Hogwash! If you show me something, once I understand it, I've got it. Then I can work on "perfecting" my skills. Just like any job I have ever had, I learned it and excelled at it once I was comfortable and understood. Just takes practice. And each new thing is added to my toolbox.

Today I added a trip to downtown to my toolbox. I have a mental block with going downtown due to a very traumatic ( at the time, hey I was a wimp) experience. And I do not see well, which adds to the stress. But I WAS SUCCESSFUL! And I know if BMK reads this, he is probably shaking his head right now.

So please remember and understand, Cin - everything I have done before, I have excelled at after learning the procedures. There is no lack of heart, no lack of commitment in my efforts. The fact that I desire to excel at what I do is a good thing. Just need to remember that all things come in good time.

Time to relax, and allow and go with the flow again. Things seem to be coming to me again and I am loving the connection.

Eternally

The wood is calm, peaceful, the only sound that of birdsong and the occasional rustling of the little animals on the forest floor.

He steps out from beyond a thicket of blackberry bushes, cautiously, yet unafraid.

Though he has no words, his eyes speak loudly and his ears reflect the  emphasis. Nostrils wide, he approaches slowly, the rumble of his breath startling a robin, perched above his head. He tosses his head to the right, flicking the forelock from his eyes. They shine brightly.

Muscles ripple beneath taught skin as he lengthens his stride, closing the gap between us quickly. I smell him, that intoxicating scent of sweat and dust and grass and horse.

He stops, stands before me in all his glory, magnificent creature. Even taller and more powerful than I could have imagined. I offer my hand, palm up. An apple materializes instantly, and he reaches out and plucks it up with velvet lips. A quick nuzzle of appreciation from him and I begin to run my hands across his thick neck. My fingers tangle in his mane and I find myself lifting, then seated on his wide back. I fit perfectly. Realizing there are no reins with which to guide him, I send thought forms to him, to move forward. He steps gingerly, ensuring my seat is firm, then we trot off, into the clearing. He clearly knows where he is going, and I settle in and allow him to lead the way. We soon come to a beautiful clover field, a wide, crystal clear creek running along the South side. He drops his head and has a long drink while I readjust my seat and stretch my legs. I realize that I have been holding on tightly and suddenly understand that it is not necessary. The horse and I have become one.

We splash through the creek, the water droplets shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight, creating thousands of tiny crystal rainbows, dancing all around us. He starts, ears pricked forward, identifying another horse and rider coming our way. My heart leaps, and even before I see him with my eyes, my soul recognizes this new rider.

They begin to gallop toward us and my horse whinneys, a friendly greeting returned by the other. Dust billows behind them as they move directly toward us. Chip dismounts quickly, runs to my side, and pulls me from my mount, squeezing me, swinging me 'round in sheer joy. We cannot stop laughing as we tumble to the ground, locked in a loving embrace. Our lips meet in a passionate kiss, and the illusion of time stands still.

The horses graze quietly as Chip and I catch up. All thoughts, all feelings, all intentions shared with one another in an instant. We have never been apart, but have always been. The power lies within us. We ARE. Space and time cannot separate us. We are one. And now my beloved and I understand.

The sun is beginning to drop in the horizon, but there is no sense of urgency. We gaze into each other's eyes and the memories of a thousand lifetimes shared pass between us. We have found one another again. And yet again our souls dance, the dance of everlasting, eternal love.

As the moon rises, high and full, casting a bright path before us, we mount and begin the journey home, hand in hand, side by side.