Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

This is true. More true than the greatest truth I know. Too much water has flowed under this bridge, and washed away the beauty of our love. The memories will always be here. Those wonderful, wonderful times that our two souls became one. My twin flame. That makes so much sense to me. The pull of your heart, the crazy insane love we felt. How you made me feel alive again. That was your purpose, among others. I thank you. I honor you. I love you. I release you. Our contract is completed. In retrospect, I should have known. But had I known, would I have followed through to the end? Would I have allowed myself to experience this lesson, knowing the pain it would create? My soul told me I needed to continue, in order for this to be complete, to come full circle. That explains it all. Why I opened up so much so quickly and then hung on for dear life even though I was feeling the end. Why I did not walk away. This was one hell of a lesson. And I am now confident that we have followed it through to completion.  Now we are free. I thank you for the lesson, and also for the incredible love and fun that we did have in the beginning. I pray that I have helped you on your journey, that your heart truly did sing for us.  I shall never forget you. Perhaps our paths shall cross again in this lifetime. If not, certainly on the other side.  I wish you love. You will always have mine. To Infinity And Beyond.

Sad Endings And New Beginnings

Here I sit at the auction, ready to watch the last of the beef herd sell. A flurry of activity. Ran into Cowboy Dave, who sold Tonka to me. On the drive here I was struck with a wave of grief, realizing that this is likely the last time I will be here. I remember coming here with Chip. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. But it is time to begin again. In so many ways. I am so tired of endings. I wish everything could be like it was, when things were wonderful. Even my second chapter....  How I wish I had someone sitting next to me here, right now. Oh, Chip is here, I know that.  But since he is no longer in the physical,  I long for a companion. Someone should be here by my side, loving me. Someday. I will allow the Universe to guide me here. Well, I'm distracted, so I will finish up after the sale.

Second Chance Ranch

This is just a quickie post, because what I really wanted to talk about tonight is too raw and important, and will take much thought to put into the right words. But happily:

I have adopted a new member of Guinea Run Farm. You would think I would have pictures, but I have been so busy and haven't taken my phone to the barn with me. When we went to Whitewater to camp two weekends ago, I went to the riding stables and was "nudged" to ask the owner if he had any horses for sale. He started telling me about a small horse he had and I immediately said that it was too small ( I love my big horses). But the nudge told me to follow it so I asked to see the guy. He was just a little bitty guy and I could tell he was not happy and was getting picked on and beat up. Ohhhh. So I told him to tack the horse up and I rode him. What joy!! He's a tenacious little guy. We trotted all over the place and finally I got him to canter in the small round ring they put us in. He even went up and down the see saw. So yeah, I bought him. And they followed us home to deliver him, and when he came out of the trailer, I rode him with just his halter and a lead rope and he was amazing! So welcome home, Tonka. His name was Duke, but it did not suit him. I felt like a new name was appropriate to go along with his new life. He seems to like Tonka.

Tonka took right to the other horses, and they took to him too. In fact, they seem to be fast friends. Ringer got very sick Sunday night and I was afraid we were going to lose her. She got a very high fever and was soaking wet, got very weak and shaky. We had to move her into the open part of the barn so if she did die, I would be able to get her out with the tractor. As soon as we got her moved, she dropped and I really thought she was gone. She lay there panting and sweating and shaking, then calmed down as her fever broke.  She was so worried about where the others were that we decided to bring them in to say goodbye. After they came in and sniffed her and we put them back in the pasture, Ringer just jumped back up and started trying to get to them. Crazy girl. At 31, she is ancient, so every day is a blessing. Also during this I learned something. Prudy was by my side. This is a very hard thing to do, watch a dear friend and family member suffer and prepare to transition. Yet we did it together. Yet again. And Rose called and offered her help as well. Just to sit with me in the barn in the darkness, so I would not be alone. Who did not? You know who. Just another reason. If you truly love and care about someone, you would be there for them during something like this. Thank you for one more reason. No Soup ( second chance )  For You!!!

So here we are. In a weeks time, two horses got a second chance at a happy life here. I pledge to give them the best I can, the way nature intended.

Also, the hay is done. It was really easy this time because Georgia's boys are right down the street and they just came down in their own equipment and got it all done. Woo hoo. And the remaining cows are in the barn to go to the auction in Brookville tomorrow. Ahhhhh. I am purging some dead weight and some negativity from my life. It is time to finally come back to where I belong. And allow the Universe to send me the right people and circumstances to make my life the best it has ever been.

Yes, even I get a second chance. 

Realizations, Reality And Recovery

Ok, so I have been depressed and wandering for a while now. I have my ups and downs, as we all do and it seems that there is always something to keep going for, striving for. For me that is love, understanding, awakening. I realize that a dream of mine, something I have been holding on to way too tightly, is not to be. I gave it my all. Gave it a real good try. But there are just some things that are not possible, or not as meant to be as I once thought. Sometimes you have to weigh the cost versus the value. Sometimes things are just too hard. I am not a quitter. I am pretty tenacious when I want to be, but I also need to realize ( as is one of my lessons ) that sometimes you just need to let go.  God how I grieve.

Speaking of grief, a friend of mine lost his battle with cancer yesterday. So young, so unfair. A good man with a wife and small children. Why? He was so kind to me when Chip passed away, offering me help on the farm, cutting down trees, fixing my loader, digging a new pond. He was already ill with the cancer by then and I never took him up on his offer because I knew he needed to concentrate on his own family. Something both disturbs and enlightens me. You see, the night that he passed, I felt him. At least I think it was him. It did not feel like Chip, although I think Chip was there as well, but it was a different presence. And I knew that he was gone. It was a scary feeling, but a very peaceful one as well. Hard to explain because it was one of those wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-as-if-from-a-bad-dream kind of feelings. And I knew. But this energizes me as well because I feel like I am getting connected again. For a long time I have been out of alignment with my connection to Spirit, and I feel as if this is an initiation, an invitation back. And that feels good.

( Karen, you are not the person I am speaking of in this paragraph, so don't worry) Also this week a person that I cared very much for but had not spoken  to in quite some time contacted me and sent me quite a few accusations, making assumptions that were no where near the truth. I was stunned and hurt. But it also opened an awareness in me as to how I have been feeling lately. I have not blogged regularly for a long time, and as I explain in my posts, it is because the words just don't want to come, or that my feelings are way too personal for the public eye. But that may be because I have lost a lot of my connection. So I need to get that back. It is my destiny. What an enigma I am! I tend to run away and hide when stressed and overwhelmed, yet I reach out and need the input of others desperately at the same time. How can that be possible? I think we came to an understanding, that it was all a big misunderstanding. But it really did show me how restricted I have been lately. Oppressed and overwhelmed.

This is one of those very personal posts. One in which I am sharing things that are very frightening to me. I have to stop chasing after a dream and sit back and allow the Universe to deliver it to me in the right time. (Another of my lessons - patience) You see, I feel the shift. My body is vibrating, nearly shaking. I hope that means that I am saying my truth and raising my vibration again. I have been wallowing in far too dense a state and it has taken its toll. It is time to raise that vibration and get re-connected to Source. Been feeling this very strongly for a few nights now. Unable to sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to walk outside and look at the stars and pray and cry for what I had so dearly hoped for and now realize I must let go. Signs, as I posted the other day, are presenting themselves to me again. Someone is trying to get my attention. I am afraid of being alone. Lonely. I admit it. I never was, but when you had something so wonderful and supportive, that beautiful companionship, and then lose it, it is scary. I have always been a loner, always liked to walk off into the woods by myself and get lost in the pure joy of being in nature, connecting with Source. But I also knew that when I got back, there was someone there waiting for me, arms wide open to offer a loving hug and kiss. LOVE. The thing I seek.  And so here I sit, shaky and vibrating, and I look at my coffee cup and wonder if it is the caffeine? No, because I have been feeling this way for a few days now. And last night my heart was pounding. So either I am having some kind of medical emergency or there is a shift going on inside me.

The rub is that I am both eager and afraid. I opened my heart before, allowed, and was gravely disappointed. Can I trust again? I have to remember that I was alone after Chip passed away and I did ok. I am stronger than I think. And you know, my guides have sent me the message that they acknowledge my strength. I need to remember who I am. God, I need peace. How? No more drama, dysfunction, stress, negativity. I am a very peaceful person, and when I feel like smacking someone for cutting me off, etc. then I know that I am not in the right place. But how to get there again? Oh, God, last September I felt as if I were in Heaven again. Why can't I have that back? Where is that peace and joy? Life is not this difficult. But sometimes our lessons are and this is a lesson I must pass. The reward will be peace. And bliss. And love.

Don't we need to take care of ourselves? If something makes me unhappy, do I not have the right to remove it from my life? I don't need to suffer, do I? I am allowed to remove the negative influences from my life and open to positive vibrations, right? Like attracts like. I have been so absorbed in these negative vibrations that I am only birthing more negativity. It is time to become positive. It is time to draw forth peace and love and bliss into my life. God how I grieve for what was. But maybe what it to be is so much better. 10 time better than the best of what was. The farm is overwhelming me. Way more work to do than I ever could do by myself. More than I ever want to do. It just is not in my heart any more.

Oh, the random ramblings. But I am getting a lot out - stream of consciousness like. The words are pouring out but they may not make much sense. I guess the main theme of this post is that I am awakening again and I like it but I am also having to leave some things behind, things that I have loved dearly. But have realized that they are not helping me. The whole point of this game of life is to learn, to explore, to enjoy the journey and to love. It is going to take a great deal of courage to take this next path before me. I know of some people, both here and on the other side, who will walk with me, and there are some new souls I know I will pick up along the way.

 

 

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!  <3

 

 

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs - To Infinity And Beyond

Ok, so this is crazy but the last two days I have been receiving what I can only interpret as signs. What these signs mean, I have yet to determine, but they are there nonetheless. I really wish that I had some magic crystal ball, or some kind of translator that would enable me to know exactly what I am meant to learn from this.  One thing I do know is that I am desirable. That other people are attracted to me and my light and think I am worthy of their love and friendship. This means a lot to me as I am battling with this need to feel important and loved.

I know that I have only been posting sporadically, as the words just don't seem to want to come as easily as they used to. At first it was because I was busy being in love and feeling alive again for the first time in many years. Then it was because I was fearful and unsure, blocked and feeling hopeless. At this moment, I feel the energy beginning to shift and the possibility of a new adventure on the horizon. There are many things to accomplish here and I feel the calling. I still have the desire to sell the farm and run. Move to Florida and live on the beach. But there are ties here. I need to start cutting back on the things that are weighing me down and clear some space in my physical and spiritual world. This goes for possessions and people. Clear out everything that does not serve my highest good. Got junk? Pitch it. Negative people pulling me down, hurting me or otherwise treating me badly? Ditch them. It is time to clear the space and open up to all the wonderful things that life has in store for me. I have been in pain for far too long, it is time to live again.

I want to feel alive again.

Yes, in the beginning there were many signs. And I know what they meant. And I know that there is a meaning in everything we experience in this life. This was a lesson. And I thank you for that. I have been learning to exercise patience, faith, trust and discernment. I know that I can open my heart and love again, with the totality of my being. I know that, in feeling this deep, overwhelming feeling of love and bliss, I can see the future, forever, to infinity and beyond.

Shooting stars, fireballs, green grass, olives, the man on the tractor, a bus full of nuns holding babies, I want you to want me, walking down the hill toward the shed, voices, nose rubs, whispers meant to be heard, all of them signs. So many more.

I am ready. I will allow the Universe to supply me with all that I need and desire, gratefully, in the appropriate time. I will be patient. I will trust. I will believe. The easiest and hardest part of all of this is to just let go and allow it to come to me. Have faith and patience. What will be, will be. If certain people are meant to be in my life, then they will. If not, then I release them with love and wish them well. And welcome the new ones in. I will be looking for you. We have so many adventures to experience.

I feel myself censoring my words. Time to wrap this post up. It is almost 1:30 a.m. and I am getting a bit tired. I will ask the Universe for a sign tonight. Something that will leave no doubt as to my next step on this journey. I know that whatever path I take, it will lead to the bliss and love that I so desire. That is my destiny. And I feel that it is much more beneficial to relax and allow it to come to me rather than chase it. There are some people that I love very much and I hope that they are destined to be a permanent part of my journey, and in all the best and most loving ways.

Come and be witness to the magic unfolding in my life. Much love to you.

Birthday Bliss

This whole week has been pretty amazing. Tuesday Ronnie, Julie and Emma came over and we roasted metts over the campfire, Ronnie made cheese cake, and we shot off fireworks. They stayed late and I felt so loved and cared about. It was one of those days that I felt like I was floating in happiness and security. Then Wednesday, Prudy and Mason brought me a dozen white roses and balloons and a gigantic cupcake. Then today, Prudy took me to lunch. Best birthday I have had in a long time. Oh, and Ronnie got me some beautiful hanging plants also.

Today I also got the old finish mower out of the weeds and tried to get it hooked up to mow. It took some doing, but we got it attached to the three point hitch, but the PTO shaft was seized up and I could not get it loose. Sprayed some wd40 on it and worked it with a wrench and lever and finally got it moving and turning the blades, but the shaft still would not pull forward to attach to the PTO. We let it rest for a couple hours and then went back at it and WOO HOO, we got it loose, and got it hooked up. But now we cant get one of the bar hitches to go on. It did before, so I am going to be patient and let the wd40 do its work on that and tomorrow I will try to tackle it again.

And now I am very sore and I think I deserve a nice relaxing evening on the patio with my Kindle. Today was a small victory for me. I figured out how to do some things for myself. I can do this. I just don't want to do it alone. You know, that's the thing. I know that I am capable and independent, but I also like having someone to lean on, to ask for help and advice. Who has my back. It is so nice.

So thank you all for the wonderful birthday. I love you.

As Time Goes By

The passage of time...  So hard to believe that so much has happened in these years. So much life lived in the past 22 years that I mark my lifetime by. To me life began those 22 years ago. And it similarly ended 18 months ago. Then 8 months ago, it felt like it opened up again, and I was finally alive again. Why is life so difficult at times? I can see why some poor souls just give up. It will be better the next time around, they must think. And I ponder those choices myself. But I must remember, I survived the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Is life still difficult at times? Yes. And I really am tired of living in fear. Afraid of having my heart broken again. Afraid that I cannot do this. Yet I go on. I know that when the days are dark, it is very difficult to realize that the light is just a moment away. A positive thought away. A loving word from someone away. But as I was able to discover new love, the light does come again. We just must wait it out and allow. Sometimes we need the help of others in order to have the strength to persevere. That is why I am here. To help others see that there is light in life. If I felt that joy, that overwhelming, intoxicating, undeniable pure joy 8 months ago, then it is possible to feel it again. And again and again. Just because there is darkness, does not mean that the light is not right there, waiting to shine upon us once we have learned what it is we need to from the dark time, and shed the illusions and false beliefs that we needed to overcome to master the lesson. And love shall be ours.

17 years ago. God, how I still remember those days. I will just keep it personal now. I have those memories burned into my heart. The beginning of "Til death do us part." And we kept those vows. And we still have not parted, nor will we ever. Happy anniversary, my love.

And love is not restrictive. You can have more than one soul mate. I have said this before. I hope that I have found my second. I know that I have. And that goes for kids and step kids and others too. You can love so many people.

I wish that I were not so insecure. I have abandonment issues. I need to be loved and wanted and needed. I know that I am everything that I need. I am loveable, and desirable. Hell, I am quite the catch. There is this need to be important, special. But I am all those things. No need to look outside of ourselves, for everything we need is within us and has been always, from the beginning of time. This is one of the lessons we need to learn. So since I know this, doesn't that mean I am halfway to mastering the lesson? And once we realize these things, and practice self love, then we are able to really be open to love from our soul mates. I backslid a little ( ok a lot ) and now I need to come back to ground and realize that I am love. And love will come to me.

Someone gave me a compliment today that made all the difference. Others see me as desirable. I need to get back to myself again ( yet again, as anyone who reads this blog will know, I lose my way and then find my way back from time to time ) and start living in joy again. Everything I need is right here before me and within me. And as time goes by, I am growing stronger, wiser and more awesome than ever before. Love. Patience. Trust. Forgiveness. As I master my lessons in life, my life will become more and more wonderful and filled with love and miracles. So will yours.