What?!

Today at work was one of those days that you always want to remember. Reagan and the puppy came and for most of the day, we played together and had a blast. I was still able to contact several clients, get documents signed, letters sent and a continuance filed with the court. AND got to play with a sweet little girl and a puppy. Bailey, the puppy, grabbed my pant leg ( jeans on Friday, baby!) and acted like a big old bear attacking me so I fell to the ground and started to roll around on my back, saying, " oh help! He's got me!!" while the puppy climbed all over me and Reagan really got a kick out of that. Yeah, baby. Didn't I tell you my inner child is having a great time here? Again, it is such a blessing to work at this incredible place.  And that's not all - we got new t-shirts and I got a pullover windbreaker too. And had a fun conversation with CNCK and the BMK, hope you guys are right. I feel like a teenager.

Hopeful that this weekend will be like last weekend was. I still feel that calm, connected, centered stillness. There are a couple of ways I could describe it, the more playful one I guess I will keep to myself. Let's just say it feels like when you feel a sneeze coming on. You know it is coming. It is inevitable. It builds. And builds. Your eyes water. You anticipate. This is going to be a good one. You are right on the edge. And then - Wachoo!! Well, I am right on the edge. I feel spirit whispering in my ear. I am ready. Something really great is about to happen.

Eliot asked me today if I am good at spelling and writing, if I would be able to detect errors in punctuation, etc. Methinks he has some letter writing in my future. Looking forward to working with him, as he is already eager to teach me some of the things he knows. I really believe that we are going to be a great team. Between him and Becky, I am very lucky to have such great people to assist. I keep telling Becky - my goal is to read your mind before you even think it.

Maybe I will work on some writing this weekend. Of course, when the words are ready, they will come. Looking back at some of my posts over the last couple of weeks, you can tell when I was struggling to find words and express ideas, and when they were flowing naturally.  But it does feel as if I am going to experience a breakthrough here. Is that how it happens? After all, I could consider that I am fairly old to be having an awakening. That most people recognize their calling much earlier. But, there is no time limit on this. Maybe things will come even more quickly, as they seem to have been all along these last few months. After all, it took a heartbreaking event in my life to open me to this existence. And my beloved is walking by my side. Things will come in good time, when we are ready. I am open, awake and aware, and ready to take that next step on this path. And again, I am so grateful to have my beloved soul mate and my beloved soul friends along for the ride.

Gratitude

Was going to skip tonight as it is late and I am weary. Got caught up listening to a radio show and next thing I know, it's bedtime. But I got a nudge and have to mention something that has been on my mind all day. The last several days my mind has been quiet and even though I know there are many things that it wants to communicate, it has chosen to be still and patient, or rather, insist that I be patient. Tonight I feel the gate opening slightly and a little is leaking out. I AM grateful. Grateful for many things. First and foremost, for the love and devotion of my beloved, my soul mate. The veil cannot separate us, and our love for one another. We have much to do here together and I am eager to enter the next step of this journey with you. There is much to learn yet, and though I struggle with my patience, I am willing to work as hard as I need to to learn and grow and evolve. We have a great adventure ahead of us. As we always were in the physical, we are partners still. Side by side. Always.

I am grateful for my friends and family. There are a whole lot more of you now than ever before. I have met so many wonderful people over the last 6 months, that I consider both friend and family. The love and appreciation I feel for you can not be fully expressed with mere words. My soul friends, I am so blessed to share this journey with you. May you all know the highest blessings of the Universe.

Also grateful for the opportunities and experiences that have been bestowed upon me lately. In taking my new job, ( and I consider the people I work for and with in the above friend and family statement) I have been exposed to a whole new world and environment, with people who are kind and fun as well as dedicated and hard working. Today my inner child was glowing , as Reagan and her puppy sat in my lap and watched cartoons on the computer, and we crawled around on the floor, playing with the puppy, and drew flowers and rainbows. And Becky said that Ella wants to come and play with me too, that she thinks I am fun. Do you have any idea how much that means to me?

And, in case you haven't noticed, I have been getting braver. Grateful for that too. It is more than a little frightening to bear your soul to others. But I have mentioned here many times that I am on a journey and I need to be authentic. I am coming out of my cocoon and emerging as a butterfly. Some people may think I am crazy or unbalanced with my ideas. But I know I am not. I have to live my truth. Just because I may be experiencing things that are foreign, unfamiliar, maybe even taboo to others, does not mean that it is not real. Those who truly know me, those who matter will understand. And my hope is to offer insight and healing to others who are having the same experiences as me. My hope is that as I grow and evolve, and step into my power, I can become a source of hope and understanding for people who are grieving, who are seeking their own answers. It is time to serve.

So I think what is happening is that my book is getting ready to emerge, a butterfly itself.  My messy thoughts over the last several weeks ( and my incredible bout of despair and depression ) could be metaphorically compared to the caterpillar going into the chrysalis stage, the chaos. And now the quiet, still, peaceful, grounded, blissful feelings can be thought of as the butterfly developing and emerging from the cocoon. Next step? I spread my wings and take flight. And hopefully, there will be beautiful, healing, comforting and empowering messages flowing from those wings and into written word.

Grateful. So many more reasons. Spirit, God, Source, the Universe, whatever name you choose. Thank you for all.

Love, Peace and Happiness

Gentle Night

Sitting on the back patio listening to the click of the electric fence and watching the grass in the pasture sway in the breeze. It is hot out there. These are the days where it is so nice to come home, strip down and get a cold shower, then sit in the dark and watch the stars. Oh, how I wish Chip were here physically by my side. But he is here, I feel his love radiating all around me. Still feeling a little off. Not bad, just quiet and contemplative. Words just don't seem to want to come easily these last few days, been more inside of myself. And I need need need to remember that other peoples emotions are not my own. They do not belong to me. When I pick up on someone else's stress I need to not take it personally. Too many stressed out people lately! So I am not going to give it any more thought. Still finding it difficult to find words to express my feelings.I feel the urge to say things, then go blank.  There is a story in here that really wants to come out - just not right this minute. It is churning around up there, though, like I have been saying the last few days, and when the time is right, all of these wonderful thoughts are gonna come pouring out and it will be magnificent. All in good time.

 There is so much to learn, so much to accomplish. But remember, the last few days spirit has been whispering in my ear and guiding me to be still and listen. Impatience will not get me anywhere. I am eager to progress, in every area of my life, but the fun is in the journey. Look at all the great things I am going to learn and do and share along the way. And thank you to my friends who love and support me in this journey. I wish I could express to you how very special you all are. Know that I send love and light to you always.

The only thing that is coming right now is I am being nudged to say "Hang in there, all will be well. Be patient and go with the flow."

That sounds like a good place to be. Now I am going to take my tired mind to bed.

Content

This weekend was such a good weekend. Really I was a little concerned with it being a long 3 day weekend and the kids being out of town. Figured that I would be bored silly. But that was not the case. And there was such an incredible feeling of peace and contentedness and connectedness. I have been surrounded by love all weekend and all day today as well. And it is such a beautiful sensation. I can feel "things" building. I can feel all the love.  And how lovely it is to be able to just sit back and allow and enjoy the show, so to speak. I have had a realization, and that is that I need to be still and quiet. That is how I was this weekend, and things came to me, rather than me chasing after. My tendency is to talk and ask questions over and over, but lately I have been just quietly trying to receive. I acknowledge the feeling, and ask for more insight. That seems to be working. So difficult to explain the emotions, but it feels like a spiritual "maturing". Now, I had a couple of really dark weeks a few weeks back, and don't ever want to have to experience that again. But it is like there was this big build up of negative energy and sadness, and then I was able to release it and finally find relief and peace. And I feel different. Like I said, more mature, more grounded. Like maybe I was the caterpillar that metamorphosed into the butterfly and is now emerging from the cocoon. And I am only just now unfolding my wings. Yes, that describes the feeling. The building. Like I am preparing to try my wings for the first time. And things will only continue to improve from here. So looking forward to the adventures that await.

Wow, my head is racing and there is so much I want to express, but my brain wants to rest tonight and be still. I was like that at work today too. Maybe because I did not get much sleep last night. The important thing is I was able to get out my feelings of peace and contentment. See, if I put those feelings into words, then it is easier to recapture them later. Since I am an empath, feelings are what rules. Yeah, I was really feeling quiet tonight.

One thing to say. Josh called to say that he cannot come up with the financing for the farm in Indiana. So now I think I will list it. Sure, I could do it myself, but then I would be required to draw up a contract and also worry about having the deed recorded and dealing with buyers and showing the property. Nah, it is worth a comission to have someone else do the work this time. I dealt with the easement contracts and all the other legal work a few months ago and if Josh was going to buy it I was willing to draw up documents, but really don't want to do all that extra work now. But this is the correct path, there is a reason. The person who is meant to buy the farm will. All in it's own time.

So I really like these feelings. Calm, content, relaxed, open. Receptive. Spirit is whispering lovingly in my ear and my heart feels warmer, stronger. Like I may be about to receive instructions and assistance to embark on the next step of my journey. Take my hand, walk with me. It's gonna be the ride of our lives.

Inspired

Love it when you get an inspiration and you have to get it out in writing. So much I want to express, but the words just aren't quite right at the moment, or more precisely, the time is not right for the words. The more I think about certain things, the more convinced I am that they are, in fact, possible. And that gives me hope. Had a conversation tonight that helped put some things in perspective for me. ( Huh! Wasn't that a theme a couple of days ago?) Remember when I said that I don't understand when people come up to me and say that I am so strong, with all that I have gone through, when I feel like I am falling apart into a million pieces? Well, maybe I am strong. When you look at it. No wonder I am so freaking awesome! Something I never questioned was my ability to hold it together while Chip was sick. I needed to be strong for him, to show faith and hope.I really never gave myself permission to fall apart then because he needed me. He was ALWAYS there for me, always. That was the least I could do for him. Why am I mentioning this right now? Because I was inspired to. Someone is whispering in my head, telling me this is what to type. And I love it. And funny, but today I journaled something about this as well. And I am very grateful to have an outlet to get these feelings freed. So I may not have been as dedicated to my homework as I should be and have been in the past with past assignments, but I have been doing a lot of other creative work, so that has to count for something, right? But the time is right now to get down to the tough stuff and work on that nasty little wound of mine. I am not going to go into it but from some peoples perspective, my life could be considered pretty tragic. But it is not what happens to you, it is what you do with it, what you learn from it, what you take away from the experience. And if you allow it to strengthen you, make you a better, kinder, more compassionate and loving person, then you have won. I just realized that there is a statement in that letter that my mom and sister wrote that haunts me still. I will need to get that cleared. I know that I am rambling, but this is just coming to me as I type. One of those times. It may not make much sense.  Thank you my friend for the great insights tonight. There are a couple of things that I would love to accomplish, and I think that they are possible. Patience. My heart is true. And you are correct, I would not have believed 6 months ago that my life would be as it is now. And things are just going to keep getting better. For all of us.

Much Love!

Why I Blog

This came to me this morning at around 3:00 a.m., waking me out of a dead sound sleep. "This is what you need to write about!", it insisted. "ok, but it is three o'clock in the morning, can I do it when I get up?" I replied, half zoned out. "Sure!!"  So then I began to drift off again, the last thought I remember being, "I hope I remember this when I wake up". Around 5:00, I wake with a start - "why I blog!"  I blurt out. The dog grumbles and rolls over, and I feel a bit sheepish and do the same.

So , yeah. blogging is such a great form of therapy for me. And more importantly, it preserves my story, my memories. This has become very dear to me, as I have gone back to visit an old blog of mine, and re-discovered many memories that I had all but forgotten. Little things that at the time did not seem very relevant but I recorded them anyway, and now, looking back, I am gifted with the wonderful blessing of remembering. Little things that Chip and I did together, or said. This is a priceless gift, one that can be visited again and again. Like the beautiful, touching and funny cards that Chip would give to me. To touch the paper that he touched, to run my fingers along his oh so familiar handwriting.

And though I know that others may read this blog, and some of the things I include are for specific person's benefit sometimes, I really am trying to be true to myself. Yeah, I know I have mentioned this several times before, but I am being nudged to say it again - I know that I am not anonymous here any more, and that is ok, because I trust that the people who read this and know me, know me well enough to not judge me. These are words from my heart, and sometimes from my higher self. Sometimes I am playful, sometimes serious. I have shared some of my darkest feelings here. And some of my greatest triumphs. And that gets pretty personal. There are just a couple of people that I really feel comfortable baring my soul to, and fortunately, there are other ways to share some of the most personal stuff with them. But I dutifully record in truth the things that I am compelled to, even when I fear that I may be giving too much information. Who knows, if something I say may help another person, then that is a job well done. And I really do enjoy getting feedback.

The little boys across the street have endeared themselves to me and me to them. They came over looking for some work and I just could not turn down those soulful little eyes. So I handed them some rakes and had them rake up all of the bush and grass clippings from the yard. And now I have two new friends. I wonder if one of the reasons I identify with children so much is because of my inner 6 year old. She never got a lot of opportunity to be a child, so now she is starved for that kind of interaction. Do children see the 6 year old in me and is that why they are drawn to me? They do not seem to view me as an adult authority figure, but more as an older sister, or a peer. They seem comfortable with me, curious to learn what I know. Or is it just because my lifestyle is so interesting? These kids were asking me all kinds of questions about the horses and cows and bull and how things work and I showed them that you can eat the lemon balm and pineapple mint that grows wild in the back yard, and even brought Buck out into the back yard so they could pet him and see him up close. And it was so enjoyable. Just like playing with Ella and Reagan at work. The child in me gets right down there and plays with these kids. There is such a bliss in being free to express your joy in life. And it really warms my heart and soul that I can show these kids things. When I brought the horse over, their eyes got so big and they got so excited to actually get to touch a real horse. I remember how I felt the first time I got to do that, and one of my true joys in life has been sharing that experience with other children. It has been many years since I have done this and I welcome it again. I remember Shane and Shawna, who in the summer would beg their mom to drop them off for the afternoon with me so we could ride Rusty and Shadow and clean the barn and put up fence. Those kids were real workers, and I did not mind one bit watching them all day. Again, they were like little friends, not kids I was baby sitting. Maybe this can be healing to my inner child, now that I am getting to know her better and trying to nurture and love her.

Just had a nudge, Brad, you should like this - I need to learn to nurture and love myself. In doing so I can give more of myself to others.If I am going to do something awsome for mankind then I need to be fully charged and energized, so that my light can shine, illuminating the path for others.

Love to all who are sharing this journey.

Contemplate

Just came back from a long walk. The place seemed different today. Maybe it is because there is so much grass out there, even in the woods beneath all the trees, where normally there is not so much. But I have walked this place for more than 20 years, and know every rock and tree and hole. And yet, things were different. Am I seeing more? Noticing things that were previously as yet unnoticed? Not just the sight, but the feel of the place. More. How can one explain something that is indescribable? A shift. A peace. Love. Serenity. It is unfolding. I wish I could tell you. I want to share this. Everyone should feel this way. Like being held in the arms of your beloved and hearing them whisper all the love in the universe into your heart.

I have journaled a bit this morning, things that I can't put on this blog. Questions, observations. Feelings.

Walking through the forest, bittersweet memories. Chip and me hand in hand, stepping over tree trunks, picking up branches, grabbing up a handful of timothy to see how far into the boot it is. How I wish he were here physically. To feel the touch of his skin against mine. Hear his voice. See his smile. But he is here. I feel his love surrounding me. Even more so now that there is no physical separating the energy. I know he loved me. And now I know even more so how very much he still does.

How many times have I expressed my gratitude to my new friends for accompanying me on this journey? Can never be said enough. I really don't know what I have done to deserve so much love and support, but it is truly appreciated and recriprocated.And as I develop and grow, I intend to share all of the blessings bestowed upon me with all beings.

Have a headache. Must be from all of the pollen and seed that is out there. Time for a bit of lunch and aspirin and maybe when my head clears I will have more to experience and say. Been feeling a lot of positive energy coming my way this weekend and it really feels great. Hmm, maybe even a nap is in order. And I think a pizza for tonight.