Cant Get Enough

Stream of consciousness, a second post directly after the first today. Don't know why, exactly. Like I said, I am nervous, vibrating with energy. Anticipation. Zowie. Am I going to win the lottery?

The air is cool beneath the canopy as the early evening sunlight dapples the ground through the cover of the leaves on the trees. Birdsong. Rustling. The small animals scurrying along the forest floor as we walk the path, traveled so many times before. I feel my companions by my side, even as I cannot see them. Faith. Believe. He appears from the shadows, as if by magic. Powerful, regal. Strong. Grey green eyes, piercing, yet soft, warm, welcoming. Imploring. His heart sings out, connects with mine. Seeking understanding. Acceptance. Love. He steps out of the trees, slowly, nervously, testing. Approaches me. I hold out my hand, accepting, welcoming. Although I , too, am fearful, I relax. My heart assuring me. "You are safe", I whisper. "You are safe here with me. I will never hurt you." His eyes tell me he is afraid, yet he wants to be with me, to protect me. He senses the goodness within me, as I sense the same in him. He starts, ready to bolt. Then catches himself. Fear abating for the moment. I reach out, run my fingers tenderly through his soft, short grey hair, tickling his ears. He sighs, tender touch long since forgotten, until now.

As the sun makes its way to the horizon, we turn as one and walk silently together. The leaves, fallen, covering the forest floor, crunch beneath our feet as we stroll. We stop at the buckeye tree, searching for the spiny pods . There! We begin to find them, breaking them open to reveal the silky smooth nuts within. I fill my pockets with our treasures. He steps to me, leans against me lightly, the touch of his shoulder against me fills me with serene delight. We have come to trust one another. Fear cast aside, we remember. We realize that we have found each other again. Souls speak, a language long forgotten since beginning this physical adventure of life. Our paths have led us back to each other. Rejoicing in the moment of reconnection, our hearts entwine. We. His warm breath tickles my ear as I wrap my arms around his broad neck and nuzzle his cheek. "Stay this time, don't run, don't be afraid, " I sigh into his ear, " you deserve peace, love, happiness, security. No one will ever harm you here. We will protect one another." Though he has no words, a silent answer flickers in his eyes, my heart hears and understands. The silver cord that has joined our spirits through eternity grows bright and strong. It is our turn. It is our time. We accept, we agree.  Together, we make our way to the clearing, to the path that leads home.

Come On Get Higher

That's not exactly the perfect title for this post, but the one that came to me. The perfect one has no words. I have no words. The shift is upon me. I feel it. I feel you. I am ready. I am willing to relax and allow. Let's do this. I feel new energy coming. Time to let go of the old, to be sent out and recycled, renewed. Blessings to all.

Right now, things are still wonky. Still uncomfortable. Still stressed. But not for long. I feel the good, positive energy headed my way. Peace. Finally. I have felt you close for days now, a sure sign that I am once again on the right path. For where you are, I know I'm home. The energy of the people around me, those I am closest to, is increasingly positive. It is time for peace and love and beauty. Inspiration strikes again. ( words want to be spoken here, but are reluctant, elusive. I want to mention you and the inspiration you gave me and how now it is back, that feeling, that energy. But the words are telling me that we are not ready to share them just yet. Perhaps... perhaps? )

This post is cryptic. Probably makes no sense to anyone outside looking in. Will it even make sense to me in a year? But I am realizing that I am learning. I am growing and changing these last couple of weeks. Looking back at the posts, I see that. See the fear and confusion lifting. And that is what this is all about. Being raw. Sharing my deepest feelings, in hopes that not only I heal, but that others find healing and inspiration in my words and experiences. This is one of those days where I would love to spend the entire day in quiet contemplation and reflection. But it is a busy day today and I have much to do. Much living to do today. Weekdays are good for contemplative thinking, when everyone is working and the world is quiet. Today is a day for doing.

Hmmm. Elusive words again. They want to be coy. All right then. This is going to be one of those personal posts. Just for me. Remember Cin. Remember the feeling. The light, uplifting feeling of anticipation. The new energy is coming. It is going to be awesome. Open your heart and allow it in. I feel a story coming. A love story. Epic. Beautiful. My book, my life. Come on.

Magical Anticipation

Blue sky, hawk circling overhead. The last of the summer's crickets and locusts singing songs of love. Sunshine, casting shadows along the tree line, cool and lazy, restful. Wind, rustling the leaves of the Osage orange, heavily laden with fruit, bowing toward me as I pass 'neath its branches.

I sigh, contented and peaceful, yet restless as well. An enigma. How can one be so unburdened, relaxed and yet so full of yearning? The bees pass from flower to flower, gathering that last bit of pollen for their hives. The birds flit across the freshly mowed lawn, searching for lunch. My blue bird! I see you, A greeting from the Universe, my sign that , indeed, all is well. Thank you.

My heart is full of dreams and anticipation today. I have convinced myself that something wonderful is happening. Today I shall be rewarded. I remind myself , just this very moment, that I create my own reality. And this reality that I am anticipating is a wonderful one. I can see it, taste it, feel it. Can you?

Vibrating with excitement, I feel the energy surrounding me, positive, enchanting. Uplifting. How else can I explain it? To paint a picture of something unseen, yet so tangibly felt? That childlike feeling of Christmas eve, knowing Santa is on his way.

Annie feels it too. She is alert, seeking as well. She probably knows better than I what joys are coming.

For the first in a long time, I feel gratitude.

A Long Walk Into Remembering And Dreams

Took a long walk today. I felt that there were some who walked with me. I know you were there, as well as some other old friends, perhaps? How many memories jumped out at me, as if reaching out in a game of tag? How many emotions flooded my being, as I pondered the past, present and future? All around us, things have changed, are changing. Trees come down in the windy storms of the summer. New paths made by forest creatures, big and small. The lovey log all but sawdust now. And in those changes, new opportunities. New friends. New lessons. Oh, how I want to join you, back home again. A time to rejoice, to rest. To rest in your arms once again. Or at least, in the loving energy of us. But there is  more for me here yet. Thing is, what? Love. Well, of course. That's what this is all about. And helping. Yes. Helping others. All these things are calling out to me again, stronger than ever. Again, I feel the pull of the Universe, guiding me along this path. At this very moment, I feel a little lost. At a crossroads. Not in a scared kind of way. But in a neutral way. Which way shall I go? I need a push, a little help, please. A little insight. Hold my hand? I want to choose the path toward the greatest good. And I am hoping that this path will also include my second soul mate, come to walk beside me. To work with me. We have much to do. The three of us, actually. You from the other side of things and us from here. I promise not to sway from my path, even when we find each other. We will strengthen one another. He, who will give me the strength and inspiration to see the bright future ahead of us and inspire me to move forward in my calling to help others. I, who will love and support him and show him what true partners are. He is out there. I am here, waiting.

Walking, I remembered the events of almost exactly a year ago. Staking out the flat spot in the pasture, to see if it would work for a building lot. Oh, the meteor shower and the fireball and the fire pit and fire water. All things I mention from time to time, as they are memories that I shall forever cherish. The few cattle that are left, laying in the woods, beneath the canopy. I remember when that whole area was packed with cows and calves. The quiet calm of them, chewing their cud. I remember just a month ago. How happy I was! The Blue Ash concert that I had so looked forward to. And a wonderful, unforgettable night it was. Dreaming of many more nights like that. So many things have happened in the last two months. I know that I already mentioned that in a recent post, but my fingers want to type these memories out here too.

I know that all the things I desire will come to me in the perfect time. When it is right. When we will most enjoy and appreciate them. This illusion that I have created for myself is making me weary. It is time to create a new one. One where the lessons are now all learned and the path is straight and light. Where love abounds. Joyous. Fun. Happy. Where my book is in full swing. Inspiration through the roof. My skills and abilities are flowing strong and people are benefitting from my work. And of course, him. My second soul mate. He and I, living in complete love and security. One. Always.

Better And Better

Don't stop believing. Again and again that theme comes up in my life. As I sit here and type this, listening to Journey play. And I am transported back to that wonderful night last month at Blue Ash, the Remains concert, the lovely company, the absolute joy that I felt, if only for that one day. As in that previous post, if only I could turn back time and relive that day. All day, over and over again.  Blue Ash and the Remains have been such an important part of my memories for the last two years now. Next year will be the winner. The best. The one where the dream will finally come true.

How I want to be an inspiration for others. To show that we can come through this fire, purified and stronger than ever. To teach by example that life gets so much better as we go along. And yet, through my trials and tribulations, it seems as if I keep falling down, time after time. What kind of example is that? But you know what? I am learning. I am growing. Each and every experience I have becomes part of who I am and who I am to become. This song gives me much to look to. My soul sings and dances to it. It remembers last year, and last month and all the fun and joy and reveling in new love. If we look at the rough times as lessons, building blocks along our path, we will grow and be even more powerful than before.

I revisited the first post in this blog today. It reminded me that this is the story of my journey. And I am the creator of that story. It is now time yet again to create the perfect, happy story for my life. From "once upon a time..." to "happily ever after." Each lesson strengthens me, and each day will bring more joy and love from now on. From now on I will experience only goodness, joy, happiness, prosperity and love. From now on, life just keeps getting better and better.

Understanding

I hope I remember this. I had a realization this morning. And it was such a relief. I felt you there, as well, if it was you, or someone else equally protective of me. And I felt your approval and possibly delight at my realization. I recognized the warning, that Saturday, I felt it and should not have ignored it. I should have known. I should have trusted my own intuition, those feelings do not lie and I can believe in my own abilities and my own protection system. I knew the moment the steel doors came down. I should have closed mine off as well at that moment, to keep from getting hurt. but I still had hope, and not so much confidence in my warning system. And had I listened, the outcome would still have been the same, only with a little less pain. Perhaps I can say that I learned the littlest bit more from the experience since I allowed it to get to me so much more. Lots more feeling and emotion invested in the lesson. Perhaps everything occurred just as it was meant to.

What I learned from this:  I felt as if I was too heartbroken to go on. Like here I had allowed life to enter my heart once again, and had it pulled right out of my chest yet again. Hurt, lost, defeated. Why? What had I done? How could the Universe have sent me this experience, allowed me to feel the life returning, only to pull it all back away again? Well, for one, I was blinded. I saw some issues, some warning signs. Was that the purpose? To show me, since I have very little frame of reference for these things? Now I know that feeling, that warning. I wont ignore it again. I have become stronger for this experience. In a year when I look back at this post, will I even remember what it is about, the pain that it caused, the relief that washed over me when I finally understood and accepted the lesson? Because now, what 3 weeks ago seemed an impossibility, I feel content. I understand. I got my answer. And most importantly, I have peace. I know that this is my path. Even if you only traveled it with me for such a short time, you had a purpose in it. To show me that all that glitters is not gold.

To remind me that I am powerful beyond belief and that I am stronger than I know. That my own spirit is invincible. That I am safe. I am protected. I was looking outside of myself for that. Doubting my own abilities. This was a wake up call to remind me. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, CIN. I had a carrot on a stick dangling before me. The perfect "situation" ( or so it seemed as it was presented to me ) and I took the bait, so to speak. Honestly. Faithfully. Pure of heart. It got me hurt, but not for the reasons it could have. I did nothing wrong. I should be flattered. You know what, I think I am flattered.

At this moment, I feel that it is not yet quite complete. Our paths may yet cross again. I still feel that energy out there. But my lesson is to hold fast to this realization. Perhaps a bit more closure coming my way? We will see. This post will be the landmark of the experience. I will use it to track if any further energy associated with it comes my way. But most important is that I do feel a sense of peace and closure with my realization. My understanding. 1. it was a lesson in trusting my intuition. 2. it was a lesson that I am strong. 3. it is a lesson that when good things go away, better things will come. ( this is where faith and patience come in ) . Allow that feeling to permeate my being. Know it, trust it. It is my support system protecting me, guiding me.

Thank you for the lesson, as hard as it was. Thank you for caring so much about me, I am flattered and honored and I return the emotions. Thank you for walking my path with me. I feel the shift. I have entered a new phase in my journey. Scars taking the place of open wounds. Reminders, of lessons learned, pain and joy. The promise of a bright, new life ahead.  Relief. Strength. I am strong. I am protected. I am loved.  I understand.

If I Could Turn Back Time

If I could turn back time, would I? And if so, how far? Would I go back to before the cancer, to save my beloved? Hell yes I would. But what would my life path be then? I know that he and I agreed to this long before incarnating in the physical, so I would be altering both our paths, changing the lessons needing learned. In so many ways, that would be selfish of me. Though I would still do it without hesitation. But imagine that I could, still, but only these last 2 years. Would I then? Maybe. Again, lessons needing learned on this particular path I have chosen to travel. My companions and I have also agreed to this. My question is, is there a happy ending? Do I find my prince? My second soul mate. Do I become someone's everything? Certainly I would love to go back and relive the last 2 months again. Some of the best days of my life. And I would not change much. I would savor the moments, commit them all to my memory banks, cemented even more so than before. Perhaps try to alter a few details. Maybe that would have made the outcome a little better for us all. To relive over and over the wonderful night of the Blue Ash concert. To revisit the Brew Ha Ha and the walk across the bridge, the wonderful dinner, and then the next week the adventure to Bobby Mackey's and the mechanical bull, the second walk across the bridge, the lock, locking hearts on the fence above the water. How much fun. I must have faith that there will be many many more moments like these, and even better ones to come. Friends made and then lost, regained again. Romances rekindled. Concerts and festivals and Kings Island all relived. Dancing, the margarita incident with Bonnie and Dave, bon fires. What a wonderful summer. And all in the last 2 months. So yes, yes I would turn back that time, if only to reexamine and enjoy those moments again, to glean that smallest bit more of experience from them. If I could change them, make them better, then so be it. A second chance. But you know, maybe the second chance will come, even without altering time and space.