Illusions?

This title just came to me. I would like for my higher self to speak to me again. It has been a long time since I have felt connected,  part of the flow of life. Looking back over my posts from the last six months, I am surprised, enlightened, encouraged, and disappointed.  So many things that I believed, some have changed. Maybe they will come back around,  maybe not. I have learned that I can love again. And be loved. I have been at the brink of despair and pulled myself out (with the love, support, and sympathetic ear of my friends). I am tired of this "half alive, half awake" feeling. Is it depression?  Yes, I have been struggling. I am tired. What do I need to do to come fully back to life? I can no longer stand this feeling of being under water, drowning. I am tired of feeling alone. I got used to being adored and loved again, and I like it and need it. I want my second soul mate. I want what we had in September and October.  I want to trust, to believe. To feel that overwhelming joy and peace in my heart. To be secure.

Today Ronnie, Julie and I went to Whitewater State Park and rode horses. Not the same as being on my own horse, but a great time nonetheless.  We visited three parks today and had a lot of fun.

So as you can see, I am confused by how I am perceiving my life lately. Is it no wonder that I am tempted to run away from it all? What shall I do? So scared, so scared. I want that person to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.  And to know for sure that it is true. I want that certainty that I had in September and October.  I need that. I want trust, security, joy, peace. True love. I want to be alive again.

Please, Universe, I am ready to have those things that I most desire. Thank you.