Missing You

Chip used to sing this song all the time and something reminded me of it just now and I felt compelled to post this. It is the closest to the version he used to sing.

Streets of Laredo

As I walked out in the streets of Laredo
As I walked out in Laredo one day
I spied a dear cowboy wrapped up in white linen
Wrapped up in white linen and cold as the clay
"I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy"
These words he did say as I boldly stepped by
"Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story
I am shot in the breast and I know I must die
"It was once in the saddle I used to go dashing
It was once in the saddle I used to go gay
But I first took to drinkin' and then to card playin'
Got shot in the breast and I am dying today
"Oh, beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly
Play the dead march as you carry me along
Take me to the green valley, there lay the sod o'er me
For I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong
"Get six jolly cowboys to carry my coffin
Get six pretty maidens to bear up my pall
Put bunches of roses all over my coffin
Put roses to deaden the sods as they fall
"Then swing your rope slowly and rattle your spurs lowly
And give a wild whoop as you carry me along
And in the grave throw me and roll the sod o'er me
For I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong
"Go bring me a cup, a cup of cold water
To cool my parched lips," the cowboy then said
Before I returned his soul had departed
And gone to the round-up, the cowboy was dead
We beat the drum slowly and played the fife lowly
And bitterly wept as we bore him along
For we all loved our comrade, so brave, young, and handsome
We all loved our comrade although he'd done wrong

Chip had a way with horses. Kind of like the horse whisperer. I really could use his insight and experience with Buck. Oh, he taught me a trick or two. Too bad I am not 18 any more and bold enough to try anything.

Been missing him a lot lately. More than I wanted to admit to myself. I was passing off my bad week and frustration and depression as just crap at work and the mouse and etc., etc. It took a very wise and dear person to help me to realize that I feel this way because I just miss Chip like crazy. And that admission was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It did not take away the pain and grief I am feeling, but it did make me understand that it's ok to feel this way. I have been trying so hard to be strong and to put on a brave face, while all this time I have been hurting so much inside. Maybe now that I am cognizant of this fact and admit my deepest feelings ( which I am sharing with anyone who happens to read this ) I can bring it into the open and begin to work on healing. I know that I am trying too hard right now to connect to the Universe and Spirit. Things just don't seem to be flowing as easily as they had been, and I was worried and frustrated about that, afraid that I have lost this new found sense of ability and peace. Probably I just need to get grounded and allow. Rather than try to control and force things, I need to go with the flow and let the Universe come to me in its own infinite wisdom.  You're trying too hard, Cin. I guess I am afraid that if I don't go at this thing great guns, then I won't get any success. Aughhhh.. Doubts. I cannot allow them into my head. I AM an awesome, powerful, spiritual being on a journey  toward love and light. I AM worthy of this and all the good things that are to come. Just gonna take a step back and relax a little and allow. Chip knows I am not giving up on him or myself.  I sure could use a big bear hug right now. But a note: I did get those 3 signs this week. And that proves that the Universe has not forgotten about me. Now pull your bike out of that rut and get back on that path, Cin!

Rattling my spurs with love!

Tough Days

Actually I thought I was doing ok. Here I am, on this journey to find myself and my place in the Universe, and I was actually having these great flashes of insight and wisdom coming to me, and then all of a sudden, I feel really stressed. There are several very good explanations for this and I am going to try to work through them on my own before asking for help.
1. the weather outside is frightful. No sun, lots of rain and sleet and mud and yuck.
2. the job is stressful. Not fulfilling, not good for my soul.
3. I am grieving the loss of my soul mate and the love of my life.
4. I am just really tired and fighting something - trying not to get sick
5. mice. The little jerks took over my kitchen drawers and I have been cleaning like crazy, but until I am sure that I got them all and my kitchen is spic and span again, I am creeped out a little.

Yeah, I had a week like this a month or two back and I was able to work through it and rise above. And all was well again. In fact, it was even better than ever. I am learning to power through . I will come out the other side stronger. It feels as if I have become "un grounded" and maybe I just need to get centered and grounded again and that will help. After all, there are lots of great and wonderful things to look at :
1. Spring is coming
2. I am being really good to myself and trying to keep recharging my batteries ( thanks Brad )
3. I AM learning and growing.
4. the mice WILL go away and I will have my kitchen back ( and nice and clean at that )
5. This is an adventure and a journey and I am going to honor Spirit and the Universe

Prudy had a dream about Chip and wondered if it was just a dream or a visitation. He was on the phone and told her many things, but the 2 things I want to share here for my memory's sake are :

He told her that Annie sees him all the time. ( this is what clinched it for me that it was truly him and not just a random dream. Yesterday I was talking to Annie and Chip and I asked Annie if she saw "Daddy". )

He told her that he is always with us but that I need him more right now.

Also a realization:  I keep wanting signs, but if he were to give me signs every day, then they would become routine, and not be surprises. Just like the flowers he used to bring me randomly, the surprises are way more,well, surprising and special.

So I am working on this. Mostly I am eager to learn everything I can, and to grow and evolve into the awesome, powerful, spiritual being that I am. There is much to learn, but I am strong, and I am determined to succeed.

Namaste

Incredible Night

Well, started off the evening kind of tired. It is a cold and very rainy night here and just kind of dreary. Then I joined in on Brad's Inner Guide Empowerment Radio show and was drawn into the warmest, most loving group of people I have ever met. Brad invited me to share my journey and feelings about Chip and, well, really I was just so overcome with emotion that I could barely talk. And then everyone just flooded me with love and encouragement. As I write this I am struggling to find the words to accurately convey my deepest gratitude to everyone for their love and support. And while I  felt their loving energy directed my way and enveloping me in a warm cocoon of love, I also felt Chip's loving energy as well. He is right beside me, radiating love.  I am going to listen to the show again tomorrow, to pick up on the things that I missed while off blowing my nose :)

My hope is that through my pain and through my experiences, I will be able to bring peace and healing to others. You know, I can go through my day at work and interacting with others and function on a fairly healthy level, and a lot of people I work with have made the comment that I am one of the strongest people they know. And I wonder, " what do they mean? I feel like I am going to fall apart into a million pieces." It is in my private moments that I allow the grief and pain to surface, on occasion. And here in this venue, and also tonight on the show, I can release and share. Again, I hope that someone may some day find solace in my words and experiences.

I do notice that the more I open up and allow, the more wonderous and amazing experiences I am having. The insight flows through me, and I feel more receptive to the messages I receive. This is incredibly exciting to me because I realize that I am growing and evolving. The more motivated and excited I am , the more successful I am. But more about that in another post.

Raven reaffirmed the point that we go on forever, that our physical bodies may die, but our souls go on. And absolutely, Chip and I are true soul mates. We have been here together before, and will be together again. And we are still together now.  And knowing that is such a comfort to me. The veil is very thin. They are not separated from us at all, except by our own limited beliefs. We need to open our hearts and allow, and believe. They reach out to us in love, they make contact. All our lives we have been conditioned to disregard our soul calling, and it is time to take back our birthright, to allow the universal spirit to flow through us. We are all one, we are all connected. This has never been so apparent to me as just now, tonight. I thank you all, my friends, for sharing this journey with me, for the love, encouragement and kindness you offer.

                                                     Love and Light to you all!

Deep In Thought

Ever notice how we all seem to be battling with our inner demons all the time? Should I do this? Why did I do that? Will I ever (fill in the blank ) ? Am I good enough, smart enough, funny, pretty,strong enough? You know what? Life comes at us. It is our choice how we take it. Yeah, bad shit happens to us all, and so does the good stuff. It is how we perceive life that makes it "ours". We are each unique souls on a journey, to find our own truth. Some will choose to stick their head in the sand and hide from the pain ( and the joy ) and others will face life full-on, arms wide open, yelling " bring it on baby!"
Isn't it time to shed that outer you, the part that is controlled by the ego, the one that makes you doubt and fear? Wayne Dyer refers to the ego as "Edging God Out ". Get it?  Carl Jung says " Healing comes only from that which leads the patient beyond himself and beyond his entanglements with ego."  I am working on allowing my higher self come forward, pushing the ego to the back. It's hard. An example is, I fear how others perceive me. Do they think I am stupid? Do they think I am weird? Well, really, what they think of me is none of my business. My ego would like to rein me in and keep me in check by throwing out all kinds of fears and insecurities, but how joyful life would be if I were free from all that nonsense. My true self, my higher self , my inner guide, will help me to navigate this journey naturally. I have been having bursts of insight and inspiration lately, particularly after speaking with inspiring, happy ( wonderful, joyful, beautiful, loving ) people. When these thoughts come, I am learning to just allow them to flow, not to edit or try to analyze them, but rather to just allow. Sometimes the flash is so quick that I don't have time to reach for a pen. That's why sometimes when I am blogging, I go off in a tangent, but I am just letting it flow because I know that the meaning will come forward. Chip always used to tell me "go with the flow".

So, yes, my ego does want to get me and keep me and will put those niggling little doubts in my mind in just about everything I do. But, ego, I got news for you. I am an awesome spiritual being, powerful beyond belief, and I am powered by Love. And I won't let you rain on my parade. And I have some awesome, wonderful people in my corner too. We are all one. Let's take this journey together and help one another along the way.

Be excellent.

New Friends

Went to the movies with Beth today. Boy was it fun. I don't usually do things like that, and it is so nice to have a girlfriend to hang out with. Beth is teaching me how to be a friend. What I mean is, she is so unselfish and loving, always concerned for her fellow man. She gives of her heart.  I have shied away from friendships because people I have trusted and cared about have used me and let me down. And I must admit that I am guilty of letting down as well on occasion. I apologize to those I have left behind due to their negativity and toxic actions.  I am pledging right now to be a better friend, to love unconditionally. I truly pray for Beth that she is always surrounded by love, light and happiness, and blessed with many true friends.

Here is a picture of Buck that I took yesterday. The day before was a sleet storm and really yucky, so he is covered in mud. ( They have 24/7 access to the barn for shelter and hay but seem to choose to stand out in the rain anyway ) Notice how he is coming to me?  I am going to ride this guy this year. There is a connection there. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and Chip told me I had to get him. I think we need one another. We each have something to teach the other. I think that one of those lessons is Trust. He needs to trust that I will not hurt him, that I will protect him and not allow any harm to come to him. I need to trust, well, pretty much the same. One of my dreams is that we will learn dressage together. He really is one handsome dude. And I know he has a good heart. I need to put the things Chip taught me about training to use. You know, Chip was a professional horse trainer at one time. I know he will be by my side, coaching us and cheering us on.

So here's to new friends,  you know who you are ;)    and may we all have many many joyous moments and become great old friends.

Love

Old Friends

Remember this? This was about 7 years ago, Syd and I are on Shadow, who was 30 years old at the time. That's Peaches in the background. Can't remember what I was laughing about, but Syd was sooo serious - "like - really Nana! "  It was a beautiful day, as you can see.

  I have been thinking about the old friends a lot lately. Maybe because I know that they are still around, just somewhere that I cannot (yet) see. I like to think that they are galloping along beside me as I walk the place, with all the dogs and cats at my feet. And my beloved, Chip by my side. I imagine they stop and wheel around, whinnying - "come on, let's go!, let's run and play!!"  We stroll down the hill to the creek, where the horses have stopped for a drink. Rusty is pawing the water, spraying it all over everyone just like always. He sticks his head way under and shakes it back and forth, blowing bubbles. We cross the creek , stepping on the submerged rocks, dancing that little dance of trying to keep our balance and not fall in. On the other side, in the feed lot, the cows are resting. Chewing cud and lowing softly to their calves.

Hand in hand we walk. The warm breeze tickles the new grass, and it moves and sways in it's own dance. Time stands still. The Earth stops spinning for just that brief moment in time, time which really doesn't exist, as this is forever. And that's just the way I like it......

Trying...

There are times that I think I am trying too hard, and not getting any results. I need to just be still and breathe. This must be how an author feels when they get writers block. There are so many things that I want to do, see, feel. And yet it seems as if I am shackled to a wall. Last night and today for some reason, I am feeling stressed and uncomfortable. The past few weeks I have been confident and relaxed, and now I feel a bit worried. The weather has changed back to below freezing temperatures and that means I cannot start the tractor. We rolled the last of the hay bales into the field yesterday, so I will need to get some bales moved for next weekend. Aughhh.. This happens every year, though. Always at the end of the hard season, we begin to despair, wear down. And you know what? The sun does come out and the grass does grow. The tractor does start and the world is new again. Remember, remember, remember. There are other things to remember, too. I need to go back to my source. I have made quite an exciting breakthrough and should really sit back and bask in it's glory. That's my problem, I expect total continuity, but things need to ebb and flow in their own natural rhythm, just like the seasons. All of a sudden I have begun to panic - ack! And, surprisingly, as I am writing this, a warm, calm feeling is washing over me. The Universe is speaking to me - " it's ok, all things will be fine. All is well. You are doing a fine job." Phew. Ok, I just needed a little blog therapy.

I think I have posted this somewhere before, but it has popped into my head just now so I need to acknowledge it:

My life list : ( a brief synopsis - there is a lot on that list  )

1.   HAVE NO REGRETS
2.   Identify my strengths ( I AM loyal, kind, empathetic )
3.   Find my passions
4.   Learn to drive a stick shift -DONE
5.   Learn sign language
6.   Fire Walk
7.   Ride a bull - real or mechanical
8.   Break and train a horse - DONE
9.   Advocate for animals
10. Advocate for the elderly
11. Be daring and passionate
12. Care less about what others think- be authentic
13. Live with integrity
14. Go to a beach - DONE
15. Participate in a camel race

So this is just a small bit of what I wish to accomplish/ have accomplished in this life.  Really, I have had a very exciting life so far. I may not have gone on a lot of trips around the world - but I did get to the beach. I do have an awesome little old Mustang 5 speed that Chip taught my 40 year old self to drive. I have tamed and trained many a horse and other 4 legged souls. ( Buck, I am coming for you this year, buddy!! )  And I am learning , with a little help from my friends ( Brad, Kristen, Beth- y'all know who you are) to be a more authentic, loving, AWESOME, powerful being.

Be awesome to one another!