Where Has The Time Gone?

Today it is 18 months. One year and a half that you have been out of your physical body. Is that why I am having such a hard time today? Or is it perhaps the full blood moon and eclipse that is causing my anxiety and confusion? I feel very needy and insecure today. Can I admit that I am feeling lost and unloved? I so long to have someone by my side right now, to hold me and let me rest my head on his shoulder. To let me know that everything is going to be ok. That I am not alone. I know you are still here. That you walk beside me. I can just imagine the look on your face right now as you watch me type these words, tears streaming. It hurts you to see me hurt. I long to feel your arms around me. Do you know how much I long to have that love again? I know. Today I want to be weak. To have someone who will be my strength. I want him to not be put off by the fact that I am sometimes needy and insecure and weak. To just love me and hold me and protect me and let me know that I am not alone and never will be alone, that I am safe. I want my heart to be safe.

God, I miss you. There is a lot more that I want to say, but not here. Meet me in that place of ours. Please. I need your love and guidance.  And I need him. And I know that you sent him. The one that I fell in love with. I need to fall in love again, to be joyous and free and secure. Please come to me. Be everything that I need. I long for that romance.

My love, please send me strength. Allow me to be happy, loved and secure. You are in my heart and soul for eternity. We are and always will be one.

Determined- A New Me, A New Hope

Ok, here we are, and for the first time in months I feel stronger, more hopeful for a life of meaning. This has been quite a challenging season. A season of my life. Since October of 2012, no even longer, since Chip got sick, life has been a struggle. To survive. To heal. To grow. I have used this blog as a journal, to show my progress, my challenges, my lessons, pain and healing. To be an example for others. You can see how I have spent the last year and a half, the ups and downs. There are so many lessons, so much emotion, so much life and love contained in these pages. I truly never imagined that I could ever feel so deeply. Hurt so much. Be so lost and confused. And then be so inspired, loved, hopeful, energized. Life is so full of ups and downs. And right now, I feel him. He is right here beside me. And I know that I have not lost. Such a hard battle. But I have not lost. Who would have thought that this experience would have brought me here. To all of this. Losing my soul mate. Contemplating the meaning of continuing on alone. Struggling through the decisions. A new love. New heartbreak. Resurrection. All the time learning, learning, learning. Pain is a part of life, but oh, how I am ready for the peace again. Yes, I am strong. I was told today that I am to be reminded of how strong I actually am. That I have gone through a lot that others may not have handled as well. And I am tired. My heart hurts for quiet, peace, love. And now I also know that Chip is ok with me wanting love again. I knew he was, but I am so glad he confirmed it. To be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a whole again. My soul has been crying out for this. And I have felt him there. And yet felt lost and confused as well. So maybe now I will find clarity. I feel it. The confusion ( read: desperation) made me over think and try too hard. Remember to relax, and let the Universe send me that which it will, that which I need. Have faith.

And I can be an inspiration for others, perhaps. Teach them. Help them to heal. But first I must proceed to heal myself. For many months now I have been lost. Stepped off my path. First because I was enjoying myself. Then because I was doubting myself. Then because I was rejecting life. I hope that I have learned this lesson. And I feel that I have, or at least am well on the way to doing it. After today, I have a new vision of the events of the past few months. Of the emotions I have had and why. And now I need to absorb all of it and allow it to heal my heart. I understand, I understand! No more questioning. And as I digest this knowledge, the lesson will be learned. And what fantastic rewards await!

So once I have worked on myself, I can start to lead others. Already I can see this. A couple of weeks ago I was led to join a church group for a lunch. It was fate. I sat at a table with two fellow widows, and learned of a grief group that the church sponsored. Made a wonderful new friend, quite a few, in fact. It's been a while since I have noticed synchronicity working on my behalf. I feel as if I am back on track. I have to stop being afraid. What will be will be. Once I can relax and allow, life will begin to flow to me again. And it is about time.

Illusions?

This title just came to me. I would like for my higher self to speak to me again. It has been a long time since I have felt connected,  part of the flow of life. Looking back over my posts from the last six months, I am surprised, enlightened, encouraged, and disappointed.  So many things that I believed, some have changed. Maybe they will come back around,  maybe not. I have learned that I can love again. And be loved. I have been at the brink of despair and pulled myself out (with the love, support, and sympathetic ear of my friends). I am tired of this "half alive, half awake" feeling. Is it depression?  Yes, I have been struggling. I am tired. What do I need to do to come fully back to life? I can no longer stand this feeling of being under water, drowning. I am tired of feeling alone. I got used to being adored and loved again, and I like it and need it. I want my second soul mate. I want what we had in September and October.  I want to trust, to believe. To feel that overwhelming joy and peace in my heart. To be secure.

Today Ronnie, Julie and I went to Whitewater State Park and rode horses. Not the same as being on my own horse, but a great time nonetheless.  We visited three parks today and had a lot of fun.

So as you can see, I am confused by how I am perceiving my life lately. Is it no wonder that I am tempted to run away from it all? What shall I do? So scared, so scared. I want that person to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.  And to know for sure that it is true. I want that certainty that I had in September and October.  I need that. I want trust, security, joy, peace. True love. I want to be alive again.

Please, Universe, I am ready to have those things that I most desire. Thank you.

Six Months

Six months. Where have they gone? I must admit that I long for those first two months back again. The glorious late summer. The fire pit. The shooting stars. Surveying the lot in the woods. Oh, the walk in the creek at Governor Bebb. Signs. Visions. Dreams. A lot of energy put into those six months. Some of that time my heart soared higher than I ever felt possible again. Lessons, lessons. I hope that I have learned. So many things to remember. So many times I felt Chip's guidance. So many times I have prayed for more signs. Walking in a dream state. I want to wake up and feel alive again. I have been denying a part of myself lately. Been unauthentic. I am powerful beyond belief. Immortal, unstoppable. Yet I feel so small and vulnerable. My ego has tried to take over and eliminate the peace that I have tried so hard to fill myself with. And I have been battling with ego to try to overcome my fears. Remove the baggage. I am ready to step back into my power and move forward to the destiny that awaits me. I really hope that the signs are true and that certain companions will remain a part of that destiny.

It's Been Such A Long Time

Yes, it has. And let me tell you, so much has happened and/or not happened this past two months. Let's see, where to begin. I guess I haven't taken the time to blog because my heart has just not been in it and I really haven't wanted to bring it up. First, I sold the herd. All the old girls, my old friends. That was hard, but a must do. They were sucking the life out of me. Too many lives to be responsible for, when I feel that I can barely take care of myself. So off they went. Now I only have the two show cows, the show steer and two baby calves. And I am glad because this winter was brutal and I know that I could not have ( ok, I could have but wouldn't have wanted to ) kept up with 20 head of cattle in all that snow and ice. So there is peace from that decision. And I have an entire year to decide what I want to do with the farm after this. I have made my profit for this year.

Second, I quit my job. That, too, was a hard one, for the obvious reasons. Giving up a good salary is a hard decision to make. And also walking away from a good job and good friends. But it was killing me. And I need the time to heal and reconnect with myself. I know that most people will not be able to understand this. And some of them are downright pissy with me over it. They seem to be very upset and envious that I am in the fortunate position that I can take a bit of time off for myself. Hey, I just made a third of a years salary selling all my cows. Give me a break. And no, it is not because I am weak that I needed the time off, although, my emotional status is in the forefront of my reasons to make this decision. You see, what you may not have ascertained from my situation is that I have lost the greatest love of my life. I thought I was ok, thought I was on the road to recovery. What actually was going on? I was stuffing it all down and hiding from it. Then, because your problems and lessons will not lay quietly and let you hide, they reared their ugly head big time. Like some friends of mine say, life tries to get your attention, you ignore so it hits you with a two by four, you ignore that so it goes for the four by eight, etc, then finally, it pulls out the big dogs and runs you over with a truck.  Life done hit me with that Mack truck. BAM! And I think the issues and lessons I was having with my love life were instrumental also. Because I was suddenly faced with another great loss, which made the loss of my beloved Chip even more raw, all over again. So I have this huge grief to navigate. And top that with a stressful job, all the stress of the farm and keeping the animals safe and happy, and any and all other things that have been nagging at me for the last, oh, two years, and it all came to a head. So yeah. And I just need this time. Time to get the farm into shape. Pull all the old fence out and get all of the scrap out of here. Sell the surplus equipment. Get rid of all the garbage. Pull down the old farmhouse, clear the place, level it out. Then decide what to do from there. And that, in itself, is terrifying. The thought of all this work is overwhelming. But as I have said many times, I have all my life. This is not a race. I do not need to do anything right this very minute. And my dear ones are reminding me that I deserve this break, this sabbatical. I have worked hard and saved my money all my life. I can relax and enjoy myself for a few weeks. And once this weather breaks and gets warm and sunny and dry, I will be able to get out there and go crazy getting things done. Important to remember is that I do not need to do anything right this minute. The whole point of living this physical life is to learn and grow and enjoy the journey along the way. And certainly over this past six months I have learned quite a bit.

That's the other thing I want to talk about, but am still too confused to put into words. Feelings, especially ones this strong, are so hard to voice. My heart overflows with so many emotions. Love, grief, hurt, fear, confusion, insecurity, terror, hope. There is really only one valid emotion here, which is, of course, Love. Nothing else is real. Nothing else matters. Only love exists. Everything else is illusion. But my ego is screaming at me that I need to fear. And all I want to do is love and trust. To believe that everything is going to be ok. See, I am not used to this. Chip and I were together for half my life. We knew the greatest love. Now I feel so alone. Like I am drowning in a vast sea. Someone is there, with his hand out, ready to pull me to safety. But he let me slip under before, and I am afraid that he will let me sink again. Is it better just to go under and no longer face the possibility of pain and hurt, or to trust and reach out to him and allow him to pull me back in?  This is part of my journey. Oh, I have discovered some of my life lessons through all of this. Unconditional love. Patience. Trust. Self Worth. So you can see that I am struggling to find myself, to get myself back. Because I have been protected and sheltered for most of my life, I am not accustomed to these conundrums. And, ah, therein lies the rub, that is why I must face them now. The good news is, once I learn the lessons and overcome these ego driven behaviors and feelings, I shall be free. Then, the love and peace and life that I so desire, will come to me.

And with that, my friends, I feel I must close. So much more I wanted to say, but my spirit is saying, "Ok, Cin, 'nuff for tonight. Go have yourself a drink and relax. I love you. You are worthy of the greatest love in the world."  ( And oh my God did I just get a huge nudge. Thank you Chip! You are the greatest love of my life. )

Believe. Trust. Love.

My God, I Am Having A Midlife Crisis!

That's exactly what it is, at least that is what just came to me, like a giant slap across the face. I guess I shouldn't have expected to escape that one, huh? Sure, why not. Lost the love of my life. Opened my heart again. Stress, stress, stress. Well. The answer I am receiving in response to my cries for help is to be good to myself right now. Now is the moment that I must find myself, concentrate on me. Only then will I become whole. And now is the only time that I have. Waiting for a better time, for more money, etc., will not do. That time may never come. Live. It is time to live. Time to find my adventures and live them. Chip will be by my side. I hope you will too.

 

 

 

 

Journeys

So my journey continues. Who will remain my traveling companions? Will I choose the right path? I guess you really cant choose the wrong one because all paths lead to home. It is all in the journey. We create our own reality, so I am pretty sure that whichever way I go, I will come back to the place you are. My body is vibrating. Is it nervous energy? Fear? Something else? I am not sure. Is the universe trying to tell me something? I do feel as if spirit is trying to connect with me at this moment. Can I relax enough and allow and make that connection? I am fearful that over the past several months I have turned my back on spirit and been occupied with other things, and now spirit will shun me. It's just that I was so immersed in this new love, and in feeling alive again after being asleep for so long. My heart aches so much right now. For so many reasons. So here I stand, at the crossroads. And I am both paralyzed in fear, unwilling to move at all, and also so ready to jump in and run blindly in any direction, just to escape. I pray that I will have the patience and good sense to do the right thing. I have many choices. One is to walk away from everything and find a new way. This is the most attractive option right now. An adventure! And I am pretty impulsive, but usually am able to catch myself before I actually take the leap, in which case makes me pretty careful. I think I need to be a mix of each of those. But this strange feeling is really beginning to overcome me. I am actually shaking and feeling a sense of , well, not dread exactly, but of something. And I say to myself, " screw it, what do I have to lose?" Will I look back on this post a year from now and laugh at myself and how silly I am being? Will I be here a year from now? Will I look back and say, wow, you made all the right choices and look at what an adventure you had, how much better life is now?

So why is my body reacting in this physical way? Do I need to step back and ground myself? I asked an old friend for advice, but keep getting the message that I need to do this on my own. I do not have the answers, at least not right now. I know that they are within me. I just need to discover them. Right now I feel lonely and exhausted, defeated and heartbroken. Well, I have always known that two of my greatest lessons in this lifetime are to learn Patience and Trust. These last couple of months have challenged both for me. I also know that I need to learn to take care of myself. I have always given everything to everyone else. And in this relationship it was no different. And I will give my whole heart and soul, always. But I need the same in return. Love is not 50/50. Is should be 100/100. I need to be important to someone.

So all of these words are coming out and I am just typing as they come. As usual when this happens it does not make a lot of sense and it seems as if my writing is all over the place, mixing subjects and context. But if I look back on this post at a later time, maybe I will discover the message in it and find peace from it. Patience Cin. I think I need to go lay down and read some Richard Bach. My soul feels this new shift coming. I think that is part of these shaky vibrations that are going through my physical body right now. I have been ignoring my inner guide for a couple of months now, hoping I was wrong. I still hope I am wrong. Because in the beginning, I had no doubt. All the signs pointed toward this being the right thing. There were too many signs, and my soul knew without a doubt too, absolute peace.  Can it still be? I doubt it, I am afraid to believe any more. I think the best thing is to completely step back and start fresh and let the universe direct me. It will direct me along the correct path, and if that path leads to you, then ........