Thursday, January 9, 2014

My God, I Am Having A Midlife Crisis!

That's exactly what it is, at least that is what just came to me, like a giant slap across the face. I guess I shouldn't have expected to escape that one, huh? Sure, why not. Lost the love of my life. Opened my heart again. Stress, stress, stress. Well. The answer I am receiving in response to my cries for help is to be good to myself right now. Now is the moment that I must find myself, concentrate on me. Only then will I become whole. And now is the only time that I have. Waiting for a better time, for more money, etc., will not do. That time may never come. Live. It is time to live. Time to find my adventures and live them. Chip will be by my side. I hope you will too.


Saturday, January 4, 2014


So my journey continues. Who will remain my traveling companions? Will I choose the right path? I guess you really cant choose the wrong one because all paths lead to home. It is all in the journey. We create our own reality, so I am pretty sure that whichever way I go, I will come back to the place you are. My body is vibrating. Is it nervous energy? Fear? Something else? I am not sure. Is the universe trying to tell me something? I do feel as if spirit is trying to connect with me at this moment. Can I relax enough and allow and make that connection? I am fearful that over the past several months I have turned my back on spirit and been occupied with other things, and now spirit will shun me. It's just that I was so immersed in this new love, and in feeling alive again after being asleep for so long. My heart aches so much right now. For so many reasons. So here I stand, at the crossroads. And I am both paralyzed in fear, unwilling to move at all, and also so ready to jump in and run blindly in any direction, just to escape. I pray that I will have the patience and good sense to do the right thing. I have many choices. One is to walk away from everything and find a new way. This is the most attractive option right now. An adventure! And I am pretty impulsive, but usually am able to catch myself before I actually take the leap, in which case makes me pretty careful. I think I need to be a mix of each of those. But this strange feeling is really beginning to overcome me. I am actually shaking and feeling a sense of , well, not dread exactly, but of something. And I say to myself, " screw it, what do I have to lose?" Will I look back on this post a year from now and laugh at myself and how silly I am being? Will I be here a year from now? Will I look back and say, wow, you made all the right choices and look at what an adventure you had, how much better life is now?

So why is my body reacting in this physical way? Do I need to step back and ground myself? I asked an old friend for advice, but keep getting the message that I need to do this on my own. I do not have the answers, at least not right now. I know that they are within me. I just need to discover them. Right now I feel lonely and exhausted, defeated and heartbroken. Well, I have always known that two of my greatest lessons in this lifetime are to learn Patience and Trust. These last couple of months have challenged both for me. I also know that I need to learn to take care of myself. I have always given everything to everyone else. And in this relationship it was no different. And I will give my whole heart and soul, always. But I need the same in return. Love is not 50/50. Is should be 100/100. I need to be important to someone.

So all of these words are coming out and I am just typing as they come. As usual when this happens it does not make a lot of sense and it seems as if my writing is all over the place, mixing subjects and context. But if I look back on this post at a later time, maybe I will discover the message in it and find peace from it. Patience Cin. I think I need to go lay down and read some Richard Bach. My soul feels this new shift coming. I think that is part of these shaky vibrations that are going through my physical body right now. I have been ignoring my inner guide for a couple of months now, hoping I was wrong. I still hope I am wrong. Because in the beginning, I had no doubt. All the signs pointed toward this being the right thing. There were too many signs, and my soul knew without a doubt too, absolute peace.  Can it still be? I doubt it, I am afraid to believe any more. I think the best thing is to completely step back and start fresh and let the universe direct me. It will direct me along the correct path, and if that path leads to you, then ........