Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Record Number Of Posts Today!

Just had to add this quick bit and then off to bed. Wonderful show tonight. The community fireside chat is always one of my favorites and much was shared tonight. We made a new friend in Darlene! It is so nice to meet like minded people and know that we are all connected. Got to talk to Cheryl and Lisa and Brad. Missed Tammy and Danylle and the others, but hopefully they will call in next week. Sending love and light to all of you.

Listen here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/awakeningzone5/2013/07/31/july-community-fireside-talking-circle

The reason I am posting again is after this crazy hectic day I was so wanting to jump in a hole and not come out. Now I feel energized and uplifted again. Remember what I said about my emotions being like the weather in Cincinnati...   Thank you all for the connection, the great conversation, the friendship, the love. And "PoBS" thank you for the pep talk. Amazing what that does for the morale.
This evening turned out to be  Freaking Awesome! And Chip even chimed in via the office light.

So Good Night!! Sweet Dreams! I AM Grateful!

Namaste

A Very Insane Day

So glad today is over as far as work is concerned. I mean, I have some things left to do that I just wasn't able to finish because it was so crazy. Very hectic day. That on top of me not feeling exactly excellent today to begin with. I was not able to dance. No way was that going to happen today. I mentioned to BMK that I wanted to and he almost took away some of my street cred points. Ah.
But had there been time and had I the inclination to do so, a nice dance would have worked wonders. But when everyone , self included, is having as stressful of a day as we were today, there just isn't the opportunity to do so.

BS made a point last night that I must remember. There are some things that are picking at me that want to be acknowledged, written down, and dealt with. Turning my back to them in hopes that things will get better and I can forget about them will not work. They need to be addressed and tackled. Because, BS, you are right. They just keep on rearing back up later and getting my attention. I will need to be very brave with a couple of them. They scare me, because I am not so sure I really want to know the answer. Some of them may be hurtful, and right now, even though they are causing stress and confusion sometimes, that appears better to me than if I get an answer that I don't think I want. But it is time to move on. I can no longer allow myself to be held back by limiting beliefs, or by ideas that do not /can not come to fruition. This stress is tearing me apart. I long for the peaceful knowing that all is well. Things have been way too hectic lately and if I cannot get back into a relaxed balance, I fear I will self destruct. I do not want all of this stress. It is important to reevaluate my situation, and to remove all of the things that are causing stress in my life that are not serving me. Some of these things are lessons to be learned and I hope to learn, grow from them and then send them on their way.

After this very stressful day, I am realizing that life is way too short and I can't hold back any longer. If I have a purpose, then I need to go for it. Oh, I know that I must be patient, for things will come as they are ready to. But at the same time, I need to assert to the Universe that I am ready. Right now I feel as if I am drowning, flailing around, trying to surface. So I need to make a conscious effort to list each of the issues that are standing before me demanding acknowledgement, no matter how afraid I am to do so, and deal with them. So many questions. But as you can see, I am revved up and raring to go. Is this a small catalyst to give me more incentive? There are some things I am being wimpy wimpy wimpy on. ( That's for you, BMK ) I need to know. Do you or don't you, are you or aren't you, will I or won't I? So perhaps working on them is what the Universe wants from me. Aughhhhhh!!! This evolving stuff is tough.

But I have a good gang of friends to walk beside. Hope to add some new ones as we go. We are all in this together. Let my questions, mistakes, pain and joy, my journey, keep you from taking a wrong turn and  help you find your way in yours.

Empathy

Something fairly new, and I don't know if it is just because I am being overwhelmed by the feelings of those I am close to and bonded to, or if maybe this is a new development as well. Have noticed lately that I am not picking up so much on the emotions of others that I do not know. For instance, at the festival last weekend, I only got one strong hit, as opposed to feelings flying at me from every direction from all of the people. And the one I got was a no brainer as I felt that anyone could tell this guy was pissed. But as I said, I am overwhelmed right now with the emotions of those close to me, there is so much angst going on right now. I wonder if I don't get random "hits" and assign them to a specific person in error. There are some people (you know who you are) that I have a sort of connection to that I simply cannot help picking up on and know for certain that it is them. But there are others that I know I am receiving, but not from whom. Maybe I am becoming successful in being grounded and blocking these random feelings. And another thing is I am better able to differentiate between my own feelings and those of others. This makes it easier when you are in a stressful environment. I can now put out feelers and determine if those emotions belong to me or someone else. So all in all , I am learning.  You know, I don't understand why I pick up these feelings of others. What is the purpose? Is it just that you can know and send love and light to the person?

It is difficult to not become overwhelmed with the emotions of others. If someone you know is hurting, it affects you. And I am really wondering about the connections we have with others. There are some people that I rarely pick up on, and others that seem to zoom right in no matter what. It's not like I try to feel this. It brings up the question of whether or not this is karmic, or a soul connection. Even total strangers can have some connection with you, even if just for this one little moment. After all, I will most likely never see my mystery cowboy again, but he touched me ( not literally unfortunately!) and I have been having a lot of fun with it ever since. It is vitally important to send out positive vibrations to all you come into contact with, for you never know how you may touch and impact that person's life.

I keep wondering about how people can be cruel and hateful to one another. How they can use each other and then walk away. Self preservation is a very powerful human drive. Of course, it has to be. But really, in the end, what does one gain? All lessons. Another friend has let me down, let a bunch of down actually, and that has me thinking. But we have to take everything that we are given and process it and what we do with the information will determine if we progress through the lesson or if we must "re-take the class". Believe me, I am ready to graduate. If I could clock out right now, I would. Ah, but that is a post for another time.

Would be so nice to concentrate on writing and working on my soul purpose, rather than worrying about all of the crap. But things seem to be moving along again. Onward and upward.
That private island is looking better and better all the time.

Wish you would join me.

Monday, July 29, 2013

I've Got A Feeling And I Am Being Nudged

Thing is, I don't know what I am being nudged to do. This is the second post of the day. And yes, there is something in here that wants to emerge, but how the heck do I get it out? I have mentioned that I have been getting thoughts and wondered where they came from. And having a conversation tonight, it was obvious that BS was reading my mind. Or I was reading his. And am just wondering if this is just some new thing that I am getting, a new sensitivity. Is that why I have been feeling so confused and chaotic lately? Is something great about to happen?

Ok, twice now I have written a long paragraph and decided that it is not the right time for those words. I think that means that this post is finished for the night. Two topics that I deleted were my experiences and sensations with Chip at first and now and how they differ and my thoughts on why, and the mystery cowboy and how he is just a harmless, fun, diversion that makes me laugh. Am I ready for a companion? I know Chip will send him when the time is right.  I had a good page written and decided not to publish that after all.

So the words don't want to come right this moment, I respect that. Besides, tonight I had a very good, very comforting conversation with Po and really want to go and reflect on that a little more. And the slave driver has saddled me with some extra homework - but I do love a challenge.

Speaking of challenge, I took a long walk tonight to be with Chip on his birthday and that darn bull threatened me again and even in standing my ground, he did not back off. It will be so nice when he goes to the sale. And going under the electric fence , I got caught on one of the barbs and it took a gouge out of my arm but did not shock me. Huh! See, I am well grounded!

Nonsensical post tonight. But since I was nudged, I will post it - there is a reason.

Good night all!

Happy Birthday Beloved

My Love. Happy Birthday! How I wish you were here to hug. Yes, I know that birthdays and anniversaries are just markers of the physical. There is no spacetime where you are. But even so, I celebrate you and our love. Do you celebrate on the other side anyway? Are you pleased? Remember the occasion of your 60th birthday, when we had a surprise party for you disguised as a family reunion planning  committee meeting? That was a lot of fun. And that was the day after your new "Big Blue" tractor was delivered. So you had a new toy to show off. Good times that.

Usually this would be the week that we would take vacation time from work. We would rest up just a little, since this is typically the hottest week of the year here. Then we would go crazy getting the hay done either second cutting at home or first cutting in Sunman, based on what we had been able to accomplish earlier in the season. Yes, lots of work, very little rest for us. But when it was all done, what a feeling! Hard work never scared us, now did it? Falling, exhausted, onto the futon on the patio, or the couch, or the bed, and rejoicing that the work was finished, and on to the next project. They never seem to end. God how I miss that with you. I miss everything about you. And I am remembering a lot right now, even though I am at work, at lunch typing this. And it is an odd kind of remembering. I am actually feeling the memories, feeling the sensations of those times - the heat coming off the fields, the hay dust in our faces, the cool of the air conditioning, the emotions we felt. It as is if I am reliving it all as it comes to me in thought forms and emotions. Are you doing that? Are you sharing this with me? Is this some new form of communication that we are developing?

I would like to have a day or two off work. But at this time it just isn't possible since we are short staffed. But oh, how I need some time - perhaps take just a little journey, a trip to somewhere.

A good theme for this post - which came to me as I was driving in to work today - just popped right into my head - did you send that to me as well? One of your favorite sayings. I have mentioned it before here, and made you the cross stitched wall hanging of it. Remember how long that took me??  Loved every minute of it.

LIFE WITHOUT WORK IS GUILT
WORK WITHOUT ART IS BRUTALITY

You lived by that saying. You lived by many, many virtues. Your life is a testament to the beautiful work of art that you are.

Here's to you, my love.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Oh My!

So many things going on in my head tonight and if I am not very cautious, I feel that I will find myself in a tailspin.

The good stuff: Went to another festival with Bonnie last night and we stayed until after midnight listening to a band, who, ironically is named After Midnight. We got right up front and danced.
I am really liking this festival and band stuff, it really gives me something to look forward to and a venue to let myself go and enjoy.



                                                                      Dancing !!!!

BMK just came and got Bailey. Annie is bummed. And I am going to miss him too. They had such a good time. And Bailey was really a good boy, except for a few accidents on the rug and a shoe he ate. I just need to get a good carpet cleaner and that will take care of the carpets.  Ah, Bales, I miss you already.

Tomorrow is Chip's birthday. This is one of those firsts. The first one without him being here in the physical. I have some ideas for what I am going to do to celebrate. The feeling that is surfacing is gently guiding me that I may have a difficult time, even though I am consciously trying not to. And I understand this. It is letting me know that it is ok to feel whatever I feel. This is neither right nor wrong. Whatever emotions and thoughts come up are exactly what need to, in order for me to complete this particular experience. The kindest, gentlest, most loving thing I can do for myself is just to go with the flow and allow. Just one more step on this journey.

And I just had a very difficult but very necessary discussion with Prudy about the future of the farm. I was very honest and tried to guide the conversation so as not to appear critical or scolding. I let her know exactly how I feel and what my fears are and why I am so concerned. Really, probably a better way to get this out of my head is to journal it in my notebook, rather than here, as it is both a touchy and personal subject.

The important thing I need to remember here is that I have the rest of my life to make a decision. Nothing need be done this very moment.

One of the reasons I am putting this out there is because someone else may be going through these same issues. If they read this and get any insight into their own problems, maybe they will find some relief.  Life would be, for me, a little simpler if I did not own the farm and all this property that is sucking the life out of me, rather than bringing me joy and contentment ( at least at this moment ) . But I have the feelings of loyalty and obligation to others, rather tangible or perceived, that are holding me back and putting pressure on me from feeling completely free to make any choices purely based on my own needs. And I really don't know what I want anyway. I just know that I need to have options. Having the options will greatly reduce any stress. And of course, knowing that Chip is ok with whatever decision I make. That is the important issue. Just as I said in a previous post, if I wait a day or two, I may change my mind. I am very impatient, but not impulsive when it comes to stuff like this. So in many ways, I am relieved that we had this discussion, as a weight has now been lifted as the topic has been placed on the table. But I do not care to feel these emotions of resentment and entrapment. That will need to be worked through. And if things start to improve, this whole rant may be moot. Maybe I will see some definite effort on the part of others. And maybe I will overcome my blocks and allow them to use the equipment and start helping out more. One of my faults is that I would rather do something myself, than ask someone else to do it, if it is something that I am able to do. Had I been able to do the hay myself, I'd have been out there doing more. As it were, I teddered and raked.

A thought just popped into my head. Are some of my feelings coming from Chip? I know that he had some of the same concerns. Is he sharing his thoughts with me, letting me know that he knows where I am coming from? Are we possibly having a "conversation" together, and he is giving me these impressions? Is that why I feel "doubly" angsty?  Something to consider. I really could use his input here.

Once again, there is no time limit here. Things will unfold as they will. Then, that will determine to direction to ultimately take.

Know what? I wanna have some really good, funny posts. I need some really happy, positive things going on. Like, ummm, my mystery Civil War soldier/cowboy showing up. Bonnie and I discussed him last night on the way to the fair and she reminded me that he started the conversation with me. She said she asked me what kind of horse someone was on and I told her it was an Arabian, and he snapped his head over my way and struck up the conversation. She said he seemed very impressed that I knew the breed of horse. That means dude is a real horseman. Ah, just having a little fun. Harmless.

Bonnie said something else today that really surprised me and makes me wonder if I can have some deeper conversations with her. She told me that she believes that Chip sent BS to me. I already knew that , but it surprised the heck out of me that she would mention such a thing. I had no idea she was that open minded.

And now I have rambled enough. Got some good stuff off my chest tonight.

Namaste dear ones!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Rainy Saturday * Or * Clear Up Darn It !

So of course last night I got the bush hog hooked up and ready to go today. The forecast called for scattered sprinkles, not much accumulation. Woke up in the middle of the night to torrential rain, and it has been raining on and off most of the day so far. Blech! Just like when you wash your car, sure enough it rains, poor little blue tractor is sitting out and getting wet now. And that also means that the ground is too wet to drive up here and mow anyway. So what do I do now?

1. Clean the house
2. Dance
3. Read/study my new book on Theta healing
4. Dance some more

And of course, blog!

And if the rain stops and the sun comes out there is always a chance to mow later. This is one of those weekends that I have no plans and am just going to take things as they come. ( most of them are like that) Last night was great. Joe and Dave came out to unhook the baler and put the equipment away and then my dear friend Po called me.  Then a nice shower and off to bed.

I need to price the Cat Loader, the gooseneck trailer and the white International truck and the welder. Still have to decide if I want to let the truck and welder go. After all, I don't anticipate learning to weld anytime soon, though you never know..... And will I seriously drive a diesel semi truck anywhere? Ok, it has a flat bed and would be great for hauling hog panels and paneling and things like that. But if Dave buys it, I am sure that he will let me use it as needed.


But looking at the picture just now - I am reminded that this was Chip's dream, his pride and joy. He had been looking for this truck for years, and we finally found it, or it found us, however you choose to look at it. Ok, so here is my lesson to contemplate today: If I were the one to transition first, would I want Chip to hold on to all the possessions that I held dear, just out of loyalty to me and my memory? Or would I want him to keep just those mementos that especially reminded him of me and that would bring him joy each time he touched them and thought of me?  Really, I would not expect him to keep everything I owned, regardless of how special that item was to me. I mean, I have this huge Ron Perlman collection, and wouldn't expect Chip to hang on to all that stuff just because I liked it. There are just some things that take up room and are not going to get the use and attention that they deserve. Would it not be far more loving and respectful to pass those items on to someone who will use them for their intended purpose? Then the memories are even more meaningful. To keep this truck sitting in the barn, collecting dust , is unfair to everyone. Best to set it free. It deserves to go on it's journey as well.

Funny thing is the above paragraph was given to me. I betcha Chip was dictating that, because as I was typing, the words were flowing but were not my own conscious thoughts. And I also felt a quiet calm as I typed, as if my decision were well made. It is about time that I start to follow my inner guide and stop second guessing myself.

Anyone have any thoughts about my ideas of giving up the truck and welder?

Know what? I need to go for a walk now. Hope to have many more insights this weekend. Let's hope that the sun decides to come out to play!

Love!

Friday, July 26, 2013

This Crazy Week

Well friends, this week is over and I think most of the people I know are happy for that. Two of my friends were faced with tragedy this week. My love and prayers go out to you and your families. And of course work was insane. But we all pulled together and made it! We are a team, and I am so grateful that I am a part of it. Rebecca, Stephanie, Melissa, E and I - team C-K! We held down the fort and hopefully the C-K's had an awesome time.

Today, around quitting time, Rebecca walked up to me and said " I am cutting you loose. Shut down your computer, grab your stuff and get out of here!" I looked up at her in terror and said " you're firing me??" We got a good laugh out of that, because the way she said it, I was afraid that is what she meant. A good laugh is a great way to start the weekend. Love ya, Becky! You are an awesome boss! Hope that I was able to help this week with all the extra stuff and craziness. I am learning and will just keep getting better and better. You were awesome this week!

So I am looking forward to this weekend. Don't know what plans I have, may just sit around the house all weekend, unless someone calls and wants to hang out. Bonnie and I may go to a festival. Rebecca and Stephanie may be at St. Ann's so if we go there that could be fun. But for now, it is Friday night, and I just got home and let the pups out. I think I will run down the street later to get a bite. You know, I have not cooked a meal for myself in months. It is simply so much easier to pick something up on the way home, or have leftovers from lunch. Or nothing at all, depending on how I feel. Be nice if Dave or someone stopped by.

There are a bunch of things to say, but for now I think I will step out and relax a little. This has been an incredibly emotional week in so many ways and that may be one of the reasons that I have been so melancholy lately. Just things I have to experience in order to grow. I am at a certain point in my journey that is working on my heart and I need to experience all of the feelings and allow them to guide me. Right now, tonight , I feel at peace with that. Here is that maturity I told you about. May also have something to do with the advice of a dear friend. So when my heart is ready, I will be able to journal my feelings here. Right now I need to be gentle and loving with myself. And I am not saying this is a bad thing. Like I said, right now I feel calm, grounded and peaceful. All part of the journey, and the fact that I do feel at peace right now lets me know that everything is happening as it should be.

Here's to the best weekend yet!
Loves

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Peaceful Evening

Tonight seems to be quiet and peaceful. Annie, Bailey and I took a walk and it is so energizing to watch them romp and play in total rapturous joy. Bailey has really brought out the puppy in Annie and you can see the sheer delight they are experiencing playing with one another.  We should learn a lesson from them.

Was listening to my dear friend Brad's radio show, Inner Guide Empowerment Radio, from Tuesday night again. Catherine DeMonte was the guest speaker and it was very enlightening.  She talked about getting into a higher frequency, and gave many tips and tools on how to raise your frequency and to release fear and negative thoughts from your life. As always, it was a wonderful show.  Brad's shows always give the listener something to think about, wonderful insights to incorporate into your life and the love and support of the community to encourage you on your path to awareness.   And they leave you with a feeling of complete peace and joy. I find myself listening to the episodes over and over again and each time I glean more and more meaning, more understanding, more enlightenment. Brad, his show, his guests and the entire Inner Guide Empowerment community are to be treasured. And believe me, I do. Here is the link to last Tuesday's show mentioned here:  http://tobtr.com/s/5148963.

And since it is so peaceful tonight ( even with the doggies wrestling at my feet, and someone bit me on the ankle ) I am going to go fix a cold drink and watch Big Bang Theory. Maybe connect with my beloved.

And to my friend, Po, thank you.









Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"It's Lonely Out Tonight..."

Feeling lonely tonight. It is what I consider "date night", a night to watch our favorite shows and connect, but I am finding it difficult to do so. The dogs are distracting, for one thing. Annie and Bailey are playing, playing, playing. It is so cute to watch 80 pound Annie gingerly holding her favorite toy on one end while 10 pound Bailey has the other end and they are playing tug-o-war with it. She is letting him win, just like a doting Aunt or Mommy or something. And I just can't seem to concentrate. I was going to forgo blogging tonight, but then got a nudge that I needed to sit down here and release some words. Don't know if they will make sense, but I'll have a go at it.

One thing is I have some things to say but there really is only one person I can tell them to. And I have been working on the experiments in the E-2 book and would love to get a group together to discuss it and the results of the experiments. Remember, the first experiment was to ask the Universe for a sign and within 48 hours you would get one, and I did ask, and I did receive, less than 12 hours later a blue star balloon tied to a bush in my back pasture. There are many things I would like to accomplish, both for myself and also for the good of all.

And that brings me to this part: remember when I said that I was feeling a sort of emotional maturity? Well, I waver back and forth on that, not quite ready to graduate yet, but I am working on it. I have this knowing that there are things coming. That is really the only way I can describe it. People are coming into my life, people that I need. And I am grateful. What would I have done had Brad not appeared? And through him I have made so many other wonderful friends. Cheryl, do you feel the connection? My soul is dancing with joy at our finding one another again. And Lisa, Tammy, Danylle, Cee Cee, Doris, everyone. And Beth, dear Beth. And BMK and the gang at C-K. So although I feel lonely right now, I know that I am not really alone. I am surrounded by wonderful people who have chosen to join me on my journey. And I am so blessed.


 
 
Yes, tonight is lonely. And dear Brad, the music I am listening to tonight really is having an effect. Listening to  A Thousand Years by Christina Perri   and From Where You Are by Lifehouse. Listen to them and then tell me you can't read my mind as to what I am thinking about and feeling right now. 
 
There are so many things that I would like to have in life. Some of them scare me. Life was so much simpler when Chip was here. The work was hard, but we had each other. I would come home to him, to his love and comfort. We could do anything together. Still can, just in a different way.  I cannot change what happened, I can only move forward in faith. He is still here guiding me. I know that he is sending me someone, a companion to walk beside me physically. I am waiting.  The three of us will be quite a team. This is where I need to follow my inner guide and have faith that all will work out as it should.
 
So many thoughts, and my mind is weary. That is a cue that it is time to put the puppy in his play pen, grab my kindle and hop into bed.  After all, it is almost 10:00 and the slave driver has a new bull whip.
 
Good night to all and to my dearest friends, thank you for coming along. Thank you all. It is going to be a wonderful ride!                  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Just Like The Weather In Cincinnati...

Yup. There is a saying around here in Cincinnati : if you don't like the weather, just wait a few minutes and it will change. That is how my emotions have been lately. Now I know we had the super moon last night which may have had something to do with it, as well as a lot of energetic shifting that is going on lately. All I know is that last night I was ready to clock out when the internet went down, and then the computer froze up. And a quick message conversation later ( initiated by the other person - a nice gift) and I was again feeling better. Had to go out into the back pasture with my phone to do it, but it was worth it.  And this is another one of those important moments to remember. Things may look incredibly dismal to you, you may feel that there is no hope, but give it a day, maybe two, and you will know joy once again. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful support system to help me get back on track when I fall into that rut occasionally. Thank you! And today was much better. We all need that support system, and we all need to support one another. I am being very honest and candid with my posts in the hopes that others may find comfort through my experiences. Maybe they will say, "Hey! I feel just like that and it is going to be ok." These last few days I have really been missing Chip. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I feel as if I am drowning in grief. And then I will start to feel better, uplifted, connected, and the sun shines in my heart once again. All part of the journey. Now, I know that some day I shall become a master of my emotions. For right now though, I am enjoying the process, because each time I come to a realization, I gain just a little bit more wisdom and grow just a tiny bit more.

There are things I would like to remember about this weekend. The connection I felt with the sorrel horse at the fair, and how he bowed his head and rested it against my chest as I reassured him that he was going to be ok and he was loved. Marty placing in the show. Going to the movies with Beth and Megan. Brunch with Bonnie and Dave. Life is so full of good things.

So the point I am trying to make is no matter how bad things may seem right at this moment, give yourself a break and allow. Take a deep breath. Allow grace to envelope you and release the angst, open to the good, ask for guidance. And I bet that shortly thereafter you will realize that things are getting better and you will find yourself smiling.

And thank you to my friend, for reminding me.

Namaste.

(Not So) Alone With My Thoughts

Not sure where I am going with this one. There is a need to blog, but the words are hiding, peeping out, wiggling their fingers at me - " hee hee, can't catch me". I am learning that it is best to just let it go and go with the flow in this kind of situation. no, yeah, I can't do this right now.

See, there is so much on my mind. So many questions. Oh, I know that the answers will come in good time. That really is the point. If I am patient, all things will come.

I feel you. I know you are out there. I feel the pull of your heart.
Can't quite identify you, though my soul knows who you are.
You are coming.
We welcome you.

This is a time of chaos for me. As in the previous blog, where I reminded myself and everyone else to trust in your heart and get out of the way of your inner guide, allowing it to direct you toward the best path, guiding you on your journey, I have to say again, I am crying out for this guidance. I tried to voice some of my questions tonight, but just like with this post tonight, the words would not come. They just aren't ready yet. When I was trying to tell you what was on my mind, it sealed up, told me that these are the same things I have mulled over and over for months now. And you gave me a tool, a precious gift to utilize. Now I feel more empowered. See, right now I feel like that baby bird getting ready to be pushed out of her nest. I know that I can fly, it's just that I am afraid. But you know what? I will fall from the safety and warmth of that little nest, and I will spread my wings and rise, not as a baby bird, but as a powerful, majestic, eagle.

The internet went down and I could not complete this post until this morning. Good thing, because I bet you heard me ranting and raving at the computer all the way to where you are. My voice is actually  a little hoarse. As you can see, my thoughts last night were as chaotic as my life. Ah, but a quick gesture later ( thank you ) and I felt much much more grounded. Time to take my tools and get to work!!

Love and appreciation to all.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Path To Freedom


This is one of those posts that just "nudged" me. Thank you to Brad ( BS) for allowing me to copy
 the beautiful picture and quote above.

Our inner guide is always there for us. To properly use and honor this guidance, we need to voice our question, set an intention, and then get out of the way. A roadblock that many of us who are willing to admit it will find is that we won't get out of our own way. And we work very hard on trying to mull over possible outcomes, weighing the pro's and con's and " Oh, if I do/don't do this or that, then this or that will/won't happen the way I want it to." Oh yes, I am very guilty of this. My gut-my heart- tells me something, but even though this notion brings me bliss, I am afraid... what if it is my imagination, what if it's not real. So I ask others for their opinions and advice. And each person's advice and opinion is as unique as they are. People are eager to voice their feelings on any given subject, delighting in the opportunity to debate, or console. And all of that advice and pro and con work just puts you into confusion overload. Personally, I have found myself running the gamut of emotions over a situation, all in a matter of a few minutes. "If this-then that, but if THIS, then- OH MY!" I go from joy and anticipation and a sure knowing, to fear, confusion, and uncertainty. Every thing becomes distorted. Now I don't know which way is up. And it is actually quite painful, because I will make up my mind one way, based on others' perceptions and advice, allowing anything that occurs in that particular situation to be a marker as to why, yup - they were right - that's why.... And then when I center and ground myself, my heart whispers to me "hey...can I get you alone for a minute? Look, I know people are telling you that you should/shouldn't do that, but we really do/don't want to do it." And then I become confused as to whether I can trust my own heart, because of everyone else's opinions. And then it quietly knocks at the door to my "rational" mind again and says, still quietly, but a bit louder than before, " ummm- not going away, Cin..."

I have many such "dilemmas" going on here now. Big and small, fun and entertaining, and serious. Thoughts about the farm, remodeling the bathrooms in the house, landscaping, keep or sell a particular cow or calf, sell certain pieces of equipment, does this person have the best intentions in this situation, why someone I considered a friend did certain things, can I trust that person, if I found out who my mystery Civil War soldier/cowboy is, should I shamelessly approach him and tell him I have the hots for him? ( insert winky face icon here) Wow, I am admitting to a lot of stuff here. Anyone have any advice?

Know what I think? Sometimes we are afraid of the true answer.

So instead of going back and forth, mulling things over, weighing all the facts, go with what your heart tells you. Ask for the answer, set the intention that your question will be answered in a clear, indisputable manner, and sit back, wait for the sign, and receive your guidance. After all, the Universe is sending us all of the things that we need as we walk this path on our journey. It wants to give us everything we desire. It wants us to be joyous, blissful, happy, fulfilled. It has equipped us with many wonderful tools to help us along the way. So just ask for the help, believe that all you need and desire is coming, and then get out of the way.

A Day At The Fair

This is a quick one, the intended post for tonight is in process as well. Just a big shout out to Sydney and Marty for their victory at the fair tonight. Now Marty was not in very good shape. He has lost around 60 pounds in the last week or so, due to the heat and other conditions. Apparently most of the other calves in the show had the same problems. So out of a class of eight, they won third place. Now that is awesome!! Shows that the calf is genetically sound and is what the judge was looking for. The fact that he was thin and had very little hair coat, did not detract from his score that much, proving that we do produce quality beef! Woot! His mother Martha, who now resides on the farm on the other side of the veil, is surely proud. Syd was a little nervous right before she was called into the ring, but we told her that Chip was there watching over her and to make him proud. And boy, did she!

Congratulations Sydney, Marty and Guinea Run Farm. And in honor of my beloved Chip.

Getting ready to show
Clean and pretty
Get that leg straight
Third ain't bad
Not bad at all

                                                                  Red sky at setting...

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Quick 'Cause It's Late And Bed Is Calling

Don't want the slave driver to be unhappy with me for getting to bed late, so this is a quick one and the post I was working on can wait until tomorrow. Thank you, BS. This one is just to say what a great day it was. Got the house clean, laundry done, lawn ( mostly) mowed, and went to the movies with my dear friend, Beth. Then came home and went swimming at Bonnie's. And a Bud Lite. So I am pleasantly tired and ready to hit the bed. Got to get the critters settled down - Annie and Bailey are chasing each other through the house. They are having such a good time. She is being so good with him. They just got her favorite toy and are playing tug-o-war with it. And she is letting him win! How sweet.  I am afraid that I will have to get Annie a puppy of her own. And tomorrow, Syd will be showing Marty in the fair. Weigh in got him at 331 pounds, which means that that crazy heifer I wrestled with weighed way more than I thought - she has to be a good 500 pounds, not 400. Damn - I am strong. So tomorrow to the fair. Hmmm, wonder if Dave will be there. On the way to the theatre tonight there was a tremendous storm, downpour, and the expressway got flooded. Talk about a wild ride. And we did not get a drop here at home. Thing is, the creek is dry and I am watering the cows from the barn well. We need some rain soon, but first I need to get all that hay in the barn.

Brad posted a wonderful post on my page, the song Fields of Gold. My favorite. I sat here mesmerized. Thank you, sir for that. As I watched, I felt Chip close. Thank you for being such an awesome friend.

Wow, my eyes are getting heavy. Time for bed. Perhaps tomorrow I will have something to say.

Love to all.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Looking Forward To The Weekend

Last night was exceptional and I do hope that the rest of the weekend, heck the rest of my life, continues this way. Oh, I know that there will be little bumps in the road, teachers that they are, but wow, was it a good night. The relief of having the hay baled and up dry is immense. Now to just get the bales moved in the barn and we are good!! And the fair starts this weekend. Marty is due to show on Sunday so we will be there.  And I am puppysitting!! While the BMK and CNCK are on vacation , I get to watch Bailey, so we had a great little sleepover last night and he did very well. Annie is in love with her new "baby" and they played all evening.

Beth, Megan and I are going to the movies tomorrow, too! Gonna smuggle in some pop and candy and munch out. I have really been missing my Beth and it will be so good to spend some time together. We have a lot to catch up on. I wish that there was a festival going on tonight that Bonnie and I could go to. I am looking to dance!

And Chip was very close last night. I prepared a drink for both of us and we had a toast to celebrate the hay being completed.  It was wonderful. I know that he is pleased and feeling good about this. And the happier I am and the better spirits I am in, the closer I feel to him.

Totally got distracted from blogging when my girlfriend Ella came to work. And Candice's girls were there today too so we had a little girl fest. Plus I had Bailey there. So now I am back home and getting ready to have a left over beef and cheddar sandwich. E and I had a meeting before I left for the day, and he said some things that really made me smile. He told me I have the heart of a 20 year old, and he was overwhelmed with my capacity to love so deeply and be so loyal. He said that I love with 100 percent of my heart. Yeah, I do have a lot of love in me. I told him that Chip is the love of my life and my soul mate, and always will be. No one will replace him in my heart. But I do have a lot to offer, and the Universe wants me to use that love to do good things and help to heal others.

I have been experiencing what I can only call an emotional maturity these last 2 days. This is new. As I said previously, all of those negative and hateful vibes that were surrounding me must have been a lesson, to prepare me for the blessings that are now to come. First, let me thank Mr. BS for his guidance in the matter, because I have started to ground myself and demand that only the love and light shine through. And, since last night, I have felt this calm knowing. Some of it has to do with the fact that Chip was so close as well, and this peace that overwhelmed me. But for the first time in a long time, I feel that things are going as they are meant to and that all good things will come. Usually I am so impatient, and wanting things to go right now, but since last night, I believe that I received a message that the things I desire are on their way and to just wait a bit - it will be worth it. As Chip says, I am going with the flow. Good things are starting to happen again, and they are very welcome.
There will be much more to report on this.....stay tuned. Also the fact that I have been doing my mirror exercises again ( twice this morning!) seems to be making a difference and may also be instrumental in this new sense of stability. Did you hear that, Mr. slave driver?? 
And now I am going to read my book. The first experiment was successful. Need to do the next one and report the results. Thing is, again I feel like things are back on track and something wonderful is happening. This calm, groundedness is soothing and inspiring. Like I want to reach out and touch everyone with love and peace. So everyone, just imagine that I am reaching out, and feel the love.



Love.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

More Gratitude

Second post of the day. Just feeling so blessed and grateful for the people in my life. You are all so wonderful and special and I thank you for being a part of this journey. This is one of those posts where you all know how you are. Of course, my beloved, Chip. My dear friend Beth, and the entire gang at C-K, the slave driver BS, Lisa, Danylle, Cheryl, Tammy, Cee Cee, Doris, and everyone else in the radio community. David and Joe. My buddies at DR court. Pru and Mike and the kids. My best little girlfriends, Reagan and Ella. All of my four legged friends. So many more of you, dear friends. All of us are connected. We are all one. I am filled with gratitude.  Love and light and blessings to you all. As we walk this path I pray that we all will learn and grow and evolve, and realize the awesomeness that we are. Lets learn from one another, and help each other. Spread the light. We are all in this together, and I could not have asked for a more wonderful group to walk with.

Thank you, my friends.

Getting A Jump On Things

We will be doing hay all night tonight so I have decided to spend my lunch blogging today. If all goes well, the hay will be completely finished tonight and then begins the task of moving the bales about and placing them in the barn, etc. I would really like to keep them around the fence lines, so that this Winter we can just go out and push them in one by one, but there are several reasons that it is not a great idea: 1. they will get wet and moldy and the quality will be greatly compromised if they are left out to the elements. 2. If I choose to sell any, see number 1. 3. If the cows get out ( like last year) then they will destroy the bales ahead of time and I can't afford to lose them to waste like that. 4. I am becoming increasingly confident with my tractor skills and if I set the place up for winter, I should be able to get the bales in and out of the feedlot with little problem. So if , when the time comes to begin feeding, I put a few bales around the fence line for if the weather is too bad to get the tractor out, and then just take the rest of them out with the tractor into the feeders in the feed lot as needed, we should be fine. And I think I will even be able to drive the big tractor to get them out if it is wet and sloppy. So that, my friends, is progress. I AM accomplished! I AM able to do this!

Thank you so much to David and Joe for all your help. I could not have done this without you. You have both given so much of your time to helping me and it is important for you to know how much this means to me. You are both the definition of true friends. I know neither of you will be reading this, but I need to journalize it nonetheless. You have both put aside time that you could have spent otherwise, resting or getting other things done for yourselves and your families. And you selflessly have given me much of your time. Chip is standing by proudly, beaming at your kindness and friendship, and even laughing at how you both bicker with one another like an old married couple. And I think he also is pleased at how you are being so careful with his equipment, and the respect you are exhibiting. And also, your advice, and your consideration of my feelings are very much appreciated.  Thank you both a million times.

And like I posted last night, no more negative. I have been so overwhelmed by it lately that it has made me physically ill. And heartsick as well. For the last two weeks, the negative ones had control over my emotions, and that is my fault because I allowed them in. I need to learn to protect myself more effectively and to surround myself and those I care about with love and light. As I stated  previously, no more! I realized what was going on and worked through that and I am full on my way to healing that situation.  All a learning experience. A painful one but a valuable one. It is difficult enough for me to trust, based on past experiences, and I will no longer allow anyone to hurt my heart. And I am working so hard on being open hearted, so this makes it hard. I want to love and believe with all my heart - it is really in my nature, but when people screw with my feelings and hurt me it makes it very difficult and confusing for me. And ( my favorite saying thanks to my dear friend Beth) Ain't nobody got time for that! So, I am back on track and I feel like I am going to get better and better as each day goes on. BS told me that when we are growing into our power, we go through these huge shifts, and that is what I believe is going on. I have noticed that each new or different "experience" I have is preceded by one of these periods of high emotion and frustration. You'd think I would eventually get wise to this and when I start to feel the stress, just hunker down, ground myself, put up my shields, and change my attitude to one of appreciation and anticipation of the new lesson and accept and welcome it with grace. After all, after the storm comes the rainbow.

So my friends, I will be working out in the fields tonight, in the 95 degree sun, hay dust flying up my nose. Pretty image that conjures, no? Ah, after this a shower has never felt so good. Makes you appreciate the little things that you normally take for granted.



And we are finished with the hay!  Woo hoo!!  78 bales, much more than I expected. Now time to take a shower and relax.  Ohhh  my back has blisters on it from the sunburn. Ick. Well, I am going to do that shower, and sit and talk to Chip. I know he is pleased. And I am too.

Love and light to all!!!!!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

OK, Seriously, For Real, No More Negative People


*Edit*  Started this last night but it got late so adding to it today.

Strangest sensation today. Felt like a huge wave of hate and negativity crashing down on me. It really freaked me out and I feel a little sheepish now for starting to panic emotionally about it. Looks like I best start practicing grounding and putting up my shields. Really, though, I felt physically sick, dizzy, headachy, ready to hurl. And a nervous wreck. So to whomever or whatever sent that shit to me - Ain't nobody got time for that! As you recall, I have created a whole new beginning for myself. Starting a week ago today as a matter of fact. And actually, things did change. I became a lot more peaceful and relaxed. The weekend was a total blast. ( oh, yummy civil war cowboy, where are you? ) But today was just crazy. So I will forgive this one day, allow myself to get back on track, and go forward. But I am telling you - to all the negative hate mongers out there, get out ! Only love and light and peace are allowed in my space. And don't screw with my friends either.



All of the strange things that are going on in the last few days do have me a little skeeved out. But I have been reading several books at once, all concerning this kind of  matter. Something big and wonderful is about to happen. And I got another "sign" today in the form of a blue plastic Easter egg.
Is that not wild??  I think the universe has decided that my gifts will be blue, and that is how I will recognize them.

Gotta run help the boys hook up the baler and fill it with twine. There should be a fresh tank of fuel down there, and we are ready to rock and roll!  Maybe I will go out and rake a little tonight just to burn off some of this nervous energy and confusion. It feels better now that I have been told that this is just me growing and coming into my power. That proves that the things that I have been trying to accomplish are happening and I am getting better. Oh! And I did my mirror exercises today. So there.
Be back in a bit.......


Ok, it is next day now because I got back so late and tuned right in to the radio show and then was too exhausted emotionally and physically to do any more. Work has been a bear this week. But it has also been fun because I have been helping Brad do little things here and there and I like the opportunity to help him, and it takes a little off Candice's plate. Not that my attorney's don't keep me busy too. In fact, there is always something to do. Becky is such an angel, she showed me how to input an ARAG claim, and now I feel like it will be something I can stop fretting over learning. I love my attorneys! 

And it is late again. Just got in, been running all day and then home, laundry and quick to the barn to start raking. I love raking and teddering. Again, I got that overwhelming feeling of melancholy , thinking that for 20 seasons, Chip and I did all this together. As I made the final round in the top field, I looked to my right, at the shadow I was casting and could have sworn he was there with me. I gave him the thumbs up and told him that it is just not the same without him. But I cherish this time because it reminds me of all those years of us working together side by side. He used to get so worked up, worrying about whether it was going to rain, and years ago, before the new equipment, he was always worried about breaking down. So hay season was full of tension, but I was always the one who said "calm down, we will get it done, don't worry" and every year, it got done. And the relief! Then we were so joyous. At least as much as we could be, as exhausted as we were. Ah, 18 hour days, in the 90+ degree heat, traveling from Indiana with trailer loads of hay and then the equipment and then the tractor. Loved it after the fact. Memories. And I miss you so.
Yes, dear, I hope you are proud of us. We are doing it. And I must admit that the wonderful feelings I am having ( even though they are also a little sad) make me think that things are no so bad and I can do this. We will see. One day at a time. But I know that you sent Joe and Dave to help. And I know that you are watching over us. And I know you are enjoying all of this right along with me. And I know that you gave me a thumbs up tonight, too. I saw it in the shadow.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Teddering And Teardrops

Just a quick one tonight - I seem to be saying that a lot lately. Just got back in from teddering the hay and time to shower and get to bed. I am loving this bedtime routine.

So Dave and Joe were cutting the hay and after I got done with a phone conference, I ran down to help. Time to tedder so I took over and the boys left to do some work for Dave's dad. Now, this is after they have worked all day, then come over to help me until 8:30 and then they are going to put in a couple more hours of work. These are some awesome guys. And I will have more to say about them in another post. 

Got on the tractor and waited for the boys to leave and all of a sudden the floodgates opened. I mean, I was bawling. Driving the tractor, tedder going full tilt, hay flying everywhere, and I was just overcome with this extreme sadness and grief. Of course it was because this is the first year without Chip. I have taken on his anxieties about the hay now. And I miss him so. Here I was, doing the job that I always enjoyed so much when we did hay, and I was so overwhelmed with these feelings. And I wanted to look over and see him passing by in the big tractor, thumbs upping me, like he used to. So, yeah, it was sad. And I am stressed. But stressed in an emotional way, because I miss him so much and all these things are reminding me that he is not physically here, and of all the wonderful times we spent doing this very job.

While sitting there, driving and wiping at my eyes with my gloves, I decided, NO MORE. I am finished crying. Enough. The tears won't bring him back. They won't make the work any easier. They won't do anything. So no more. They won't help me decide whether to keep the farm or sell. They won't help me to find a companion/partner/helper. So there. We will see. Anyone who knows me knows that I cry at EVERYTHING. You could sneeze and I would burst into tears. But this is different.

One other thing for tonight and then I will have to get to bed. Probably will only have quick posts for the next few nights as I will be out in the fields working pretty much from the minute I get home from work until after dark. Again, this was always one of the hardest seasons for us, but we always worked together, side by side. I know you are still here with me, and I hope you are proud.

Fields of Gold, my love. Always.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Looking Forward To Finding The Answers

Why does it seem that I am in more pain and more confused now, than I was when Chip passed away? Is it just that the shock and trauma of his illness and passing are now healing and I find myself left with a clear view of life as it is now? There are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings whirling around in my mind, and worse yet, my heart. I feel several different "callings" on so many levels. And I am not sure if it is confusion over guilt of moving on, or fear of the future, or wanting to get going on the path to my purpose. There are so many reasons. And my head wants to explode. So many strange and , yes, wonderful things have been happening in addition to the confusion and sadness and uncertainty. I feel the shift. And I guess that is one of the reasons for my discomfort. I am being pulled by my heart. But I am not sure what direction I am meant to take. Can I trust my heart?

See, I have been feeling a lot more extroverted lately. Been putting myself out there, allowing myself to enjoy, and be seen. Dancing at the festivals, chasing a cowboy at the reenactment yesterday, getting my tattoo, and I am wearing a swim suit right now too. If you knew me you would know that I do not wear bathing suits! And my heart keeps calling to me. It has something very important to tell me, but I cannot tell what it is. So I am confused. Is it urging me to open up and love with all my heart ( like I always say to do here in this blog ) or is it telling me to be patient and cautious and chill out?

The boys came to hook up the equipment and I just got back home. That was really hard on me. At one point I was ready to just give up, but I got hold of myself and kept going. And we got everything hooked up pretty easily and the first trip around the fields complete. It just was really hard, this first year without Chip. But I believe that he is proud of me. I must have paid attention all those times we hooked up the cutter, because tonight was not too hard. Oh, little set backs, but I was there trying to impress two farmer guys with my abilities. So Wednesday night I will be teddering. I always loved raking and teddering because you just pretty much drive and zone out. Maybe I will listen to my new Theta CD. ' Course the tractor makes pretty much noise.  Chip, my love, I am confident that Dave and Joe will take good care of the equipment. You saw how careful and respectful they were.

And thank you, dear BS, for not allowing me to spend the night "shoulding" myself. Immense relief. I actually feel as if a weight has been lifted. One day at a time. I have all the "tools" ( literal and figurative ) that I need and I do have faith that everything and everyone will come to me when I need them. I needed you to remind me of that.  At this moment, thanks to you and my beloved, I actually am looking forward to the work this week, the opportunity to contribute some more blood, sweat and tears to the land. Actually, I shed all three there tonight ( damn barb wire fence, tangled in thorn bushes.) And the future does not seem as frightening. So again, thank you. My soul is at peace tonight.

And my skin is on fire. Working out in the sun in the bathing suit has given me a great sun burn. But my nice cool shower has me feeling clean and fresh and ready for bed. And since it is almost 11:30, an hour past my bedtime, I best get going. I shall have good dreams tonight, and hope that you do as well. Perhaps we will all visit one another there.

Peace.
                                 Sunman Indiana, and the Russian Whore - many years ago.

               Getting the old equipment ready ( before the new tractor and baler )
                          

Saturday, July 13, 2013

One Of Those Really Great Days

I am having one of those weekends where everything reminds me of Chip. It is a good feeling, a peaceful one. Seeing lots of white vans with ladder racks, and other things, too. Ah, but he's here. And here is just where I want him.

 Bonnie and I went to a reenactment of Morgan's Raid in town. Morgan's  Raiders came through town exactly 150 years ago today. According to legend, they actually stopped to rest on our farm and one of them was shot, stealing chickens from the chicken coop. The chicken coop is reported to be haunted, and I must admit that many years ago I did pick up the vibrations of a presence, but maybe the guy just decided to come back for a quick visit. Any way, there was a rider there that I instantly took a liking to. Can you get an instant crush on someone?? 

                                                                God, He's Cute !!!!!


                                          General Robert E. Lee, Traveller, and me.


Yes, I had a blast!! Thank you again Bonnie, my companion in adventure. Thank you for helping me chase the soldier in the paisley shirt all over town!

I must admit, I am becoming quite fun-loving. And it is great. Now please know, I love Chip with all my heart. He is the love of my life and my soul mate. I so miss running into his arms when he arrived home from work. Wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. Him whispering those words into my ears. I will die a thousand deaths for him, just as I already have. I would give up this life in a moment to return home to him. But if I truly have a job to do here, and he is truly my companion in spirit, here to help me still, walk and work beside me on this path on my journey, then I have to have faith that we still have much to do here. There is a purpose, and I must fulfill it.

Now that I am feeling back on track, I have a sense of eagerness to get going. Let's go, let's go, let's go!! The drama that I had been unwittingly and innocently  pulled into is done. I have swept the negativity from my being and am now, once again, open and on track. I truly hope that those I have placed my trust in will not betray me, but will continue to walk beside me and enjoy this path with me. Remember, I am loyal to the death and will stand by your side and have your back always. All I ask is you do the same. I deserve dear, close, loving and supportive friends. And I have to say again, that I have not felt quite this peaceful in a very long time. Thank you so much my friend for the conversation on Wednesday night, for taking the time to share with me. For understanding. For accepting my words.

Have been reading " E-Squared" by Pam Grout. It is about energy experiments with your thoughts. There are nine experiments you can do to prove that you can manifest your thoughts. I did the first experiment last night at 11:00 while in bed. It was simply to ask for a sign, a gift from the universe. You give the universe 48 hours to manifest It's sign or gift to you and wait and see what appears. Well, I got up this morning and went onto the patio to have my coffee and muffin and look what was floating in the pasture in the back yard:

                       Ok - I'll take it!  Less than 12 hours after I asked, here is my sign. 

  Hmmmmm..... could my mystery rider be a sign too??  LOL  if so , please Universe, let him show up in my pasture too. But I accept this gift most humbly and appreciatively, thank you, thank you, thank you. I know there are unlimited more on their way to me.  I will keep you all posted as to what appears.


                                              General Lee, US Grant, and Custer


                                                  Grant, Lee, and Custer

                          Had to put another one of him on here - Yummy!!!


By the way, to the guy who cracked me up when the soldier fell and "died" and you said " but, it's only a flesh wound.. come back and I will bite you to death", gotta love Monty Python!! Thanks for the reminder!! Run Away!! Run Away!!

So all in all - a fantastic day!!!!! Now to go work on some more spiritual stuff.

Love and light to all, but especially to my new friend Arnold.

In The Mist

Talking with my good friend Brad the other day, and he said something that triggered a great memory of a memory of Chip's. Chip told me of a day when he and Lee went to a draft horse pull in the very early morning. Chip would recount the scene, eyes bright with tears of joy, telling me that they could not see because of the fog. And then, suddenly they heard the thunder of hooves pounding the earth, and then, through the mist, appeared these magnificent beasts, in full harness, snorting and straining, pulling their loads. Chip was so in awe over the beauty of the scene, and in his re-telling of this memory, I was able to experience it with him. So thank you, my dear friend, for the gift of remembering.
 
 
 
This is for YOU, dear Brad.
 
 
 

Friday, July 12, 2013

No Bull!

Not what you think. Actually, I went out this morning with my cup of coffee and Oreo cookies to enjoy the early morning before getting ready for work, and Mr. Bull was right there in the back yard so I decided to go say good morning to him. He has been behaving himself lately and I was seriously considering keeping him. Well I got close, and he decided that it was a great opportunity to charge me. Poor choice on both our parts. I ran. And now for sure he will be going bye bye. Should get a good price for him.

Now, this is not the wonderful bull that is in my profile picture. That is T.J. the best bull that ever walked this earth. He gave us many, many good calves, and was an old soul. You could walk up to him and all he wanted was for you to scratch his ears. And I could go sit on him like a horse if he was laying down in the pasture. He was a wonderful friend and associate. I imagine he is in charge of the herd on the farm on the other side of the veil, enjoying his green pastures.

You know, I was going to put a lot in here tonight, but it is beautiful out there and I think I will go back out and enjoy the sunset and settle in for the evening. This getting to bed on time has really been beneficial to my state of mind. It took the kind counsel of a friend to get me to realize that and boy, has it worked. Again, my friend, thank you.

Tomorrow is a new day and I feel like it is going to be a good one. We create our reality. Lets make it great. Thank you to my dear friends. Thank you for your support and patience with me this week. Lesson learned. Peace. Truth. Honesty. Integrity. Follow your hearts.

Much Love.


 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Victorious

Ok, that may be a little over the top, but Woo Hoo anyway! Was sitting here, thinking I was just going to get a nice shower and settle in with the new book I ordered, and Syd called to see if I could take her to the farm to feed the calves. So ok. Reluctantly I gave up my easy evening of rest and picked her up. But then it got nice because I got to see her and Mason, and while she fed, I decided to bush hog. The bush hog worked like a dream and I was able to get the majority of the barn yard mowed. Then unhooked and got myself into the barn to pick up a bale of hay for the calves. Then I was actually able to maneuver into the big barn, beside the big tractor and get the bale positioned pretty well in there. Woot! What a huge feeling of satisfaction.

And today at work was great. Brad texted me a video that Reagan sent for me, showing me their dog and saying that she likes me. Love love love this! And Becky sang the diarrhea song for me, and I was rolling. Brad even walked by and started to crack up.

And I have felt so much peace since last night. I had a nice conversation with a dear friend and can now once and for all be at peace and stop beating myself up. I am so glad you made the time to talk with me, because I think it was good for both of us.  And I got to bed at a reasonable time. Which I plan to do tonight as well. Thank you.  Please know that you are an awesome person and I appreciate you.

That is all for tonight. Mind is tired and I still need to fix something to eat and take a shower and get to bed - it is almost 10:00 already and I need to be in bed by 10:30. Tomorrow is Friday, so maybe I will have something worthwhile to say.

Love to all.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Getting Back On Track

Forgot to mention last night that one of my bosses, EGB really warmed my heart yesterday. He called me just to ask how I was feeling about my "problem/meltdown" and then went on to comment that he is amazed and inspired by the incredible love and devotion I have to Chip. He said that not many people are so blessed to love and be loved so intensely and to have such a strong dedication to one another. That I love him so strongly and purely and even got a tattoo to honor him - a permanent testament of my love.  Well, by the time he was finished, I had tears rolling. Thank you E.

And today, Rebecca asked me how I was and we had an excellent conversation. Thank you so much, Rebecca, for that. Your words have helped my heart to heal. I feel so much better. Hugs!!

And also I got to go on a wild ride today. I am not a driver. I get lost easily, don't see well, and am just a real nervous nelly when it comes to going places that I am not sure of. So I had to run to the court and then an attorney's office to pick up documents. No idea where I was going. So thank god for my new phone with navigation. Then there was the construction, road closures and detours. Then came a severe storm, with blinding rain, bursts of wind and tree limbs flying everywhere. Then I get to the address and it is not the correct place. Aughhh. Candice was rolling when I called her and told her that I had arrived at an apartment building, not an attorney's office. Running through the pouring rain, drenched. Well, LOL. So she found the correct address and I got there and back in one piece, and a little less stressed since the rain had stopped. Adventure!! I have never been that far out before. It was past Dayton.

Feeling better now too. That was just a crazy couple of days.

Still can't get over how fun the radio show was last night. I am so surprised that I talked that much. There were so many wonderful people there and in the chat room and it felt like one great big happy family.

And again, it just feels so much better. So much lighter today. Thank you BS. I have more energy, just like you said. And I really believe that last night helped me with my little adventure today too. I really had more confidence than I thought I would.

Now it is time for a cold shower and laundry and maybe a relaxation night. Getting to bed on time tonight!!

See how quickly your bad days can turn, bringing you peace and happiness and relief and even insight into things that you were concerned about? Live, learn, and love.

Love and light to all -

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Promise Of A New Day

Seriously, this has got to be a quick post. Last night I was up until 2:00 again. It is killing me. But I just had to get this in.

This last 6 months have been so strange for me. My life used to be ordered and ruled by habit. Up at the same time, to bed at the same time, sit on couch and read and watch T.V.. I have watched perhaps 10 hours of television in the last several months. And even though I am a voracious reader, I cant tell you the last time I pulled out my kindle. And all of the new things I have been doing and learning and experiencing. Look at all of the new people I have met, both in person and through the radio community. There are more loving and supportive people coming together now, and this may be part of the shift. I too, have been experiencing a shift. I don't like it. Yeah. Too much drama. And I know that things are changing for me and that makes me sad and lonely. I admitted to a friend today that I am very tired, weary right now. If I could just go hide in a cave for a few years that would be fine with me.  And Chip just told me to "Get out of the drama!". So I am going to. So new friends, new job, a tattoo, new abilities arising every day. I still feel weak. But I have to follow my heart. Allow it to heal. Each day I will gain new insight and strength in my challenging situations. If my words bring comfort or peace to one person, then I will have made a small difference for mankind. There are still challenges, but I hope I will face them with courage and determination, and grace. And integrity. I fear that I was beginning to compromise my integrity in some situations and that is not acceptable. And I have to work on that. To thine own self be true. I must forgive myself and be tender with myself for the huge mistake I made. And I hope that the important people will forgive me as well.   So see, I am sharing this confusion with my readers. Any one who reads regularly will be able to watch as I go through this new experience. It ain't pretty. Especially when I can't put into words what I am feeling. That makes it really hard. But today, as I shared my thoughts about the cave, I felt like, I so long to return home to Chip. This path is sometimes rough, sometimes joyful. On these days, it is difficult to imagine going another lonely day. But then look back at previous posts, that is why they are there. The night I got my tattoo and then went to the festival, and danced in wild abandon to the band, with my cousin. How happy I was! And when I look back, I can see my evolution. But it is time to be strong, and courageous and imaginative. I have questions that my heart must answer, and this is a tough one. And another thing Chip said," Don't make life harder than what it is. "
I think that says it all.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Crazy Mixed Up Day

Yes, it was. And I only have a few minutes to blog, because I am going to get another cold shower ( second one today ) and then go to bed. I am exhausted physically and mentally and emotionally. Had 3 whiskey and cokes on an empty stomach, then some Kentucky Fried Chicken, extra crispy ( extra greasy) that had been sitting out for 3 hours. On top of the cheese conies BMK brought for lunch today. God, I need prayers for that all to go down without a fight. Don't even want to imagine the carnage that is taking place in my intestines right now.

So I have been doing a lot of posts about truth, and courage and trust. Tell people how you feel. If you love them, tell them, if you have issue with them, tell them. I put my money where my mouth is and did this very difficult thing today. And it was extremely painful for me. But I do sense that it will be very beneficial as well. I am a loyal person. Loyal to the death if need be. You don't betray me, and I won't betray you. I will have your back and be your right hand to my dying day. I will give you my whole heart and soul. This is how Chip and I were. No questions, no doubts. This is how I feel about several people in my life. I feel a huge loyalty to my job and the people I work for. To a few special friends, to family. And I also have to be loyal to myself. That's the hard part, because it can be confusing. How do I know what that means?  So it was hard. It hurt. But I voiced my feelings, and let them to the universe to be filtered and resolved. I need to be able to trust again, no more fear, no more holding back.  Now it is time to begin to heal. Yeah, just like my post last night, I feel like I launched myself into the middle of a honey locust tree grove ( see previous post with picture of the wicked 8 inch spiked thorns ) and now I am off to put antiseptic on the puncture wounds and stop the bleeding in my heart.

To my friends , I appreciate you. Thank you for being so fiercely protective of me. ALL of you. All of you.  

To YOU, I send love and light. Always. I will never betray you, no matter. I will not compromise my integrity.

 Nor will I tolerate dishonesty, betrayal , or bullshit drama. Take notice. Your knowing failure to comply with this provision shall be punishable with contempt of the friendship contract.  ( Beth, you should get a kick out of my adding the mandatory language.)

Tomorrow is a new day. I intend to start a new chapter of my life. I am going to begin again and start to heal, and learn who I am able to trust and who I cannot allow in my life. Spirit will show me the truth. Yes, the truth shall set you free.  Those who wish to continue to journey with me, welcome. Again, take notice, this is a no betrayal zone. Starting tomorrow, it is officially declared that I have taken on that obstacle, forged through it, taken my lumps, come out the other side and am now licking my wounds, never to have to experience this lesson again. ( BETTER NOT!!!)

No more negative, no more drama, no more mistrust. No room for it. Don't go there. " Ain't nobody got time for that."  Much love to you all. All of you.


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Obstacles?

Ah, walking the place - my favorite spot, pad and pen in hand - this comes to me: This is my path. This is my journey. And along the way, I look down at the many obstacles at my feet, lessons in disguise, and I know. I realize that I have choices. I can choose to ignore them, to blindly step over them and continue on my way. Or I can choose to stop, pick them up, examine them, glean the lessons and understanding they are there to teach, The choice is mine. Some of the obstacles are smooth, round, cool, like stones, full of peace and beauty. Others are sharp, prickly, like thistles and thorns, they tear at my skin and my heart. They also hold the greatest experiences. Yes, they will sting, and cut, some deeply. And some will bleed. And they will heal. They will build scar tissue, a reminder of lessons learned. The important thing is to learn from them, to take away from the painful experience healing, and the wisdom of lessons learned.

And it's hard. So hard to make these decisions my myself, on this lonely path. But that is a part of the journey too. Right now, I need to pick my own way. Decide if I will detour to the easy route, or choose the path strewn with obstacles. Most of you know me by now. I am already ankle deep in mud and manure, clutching at the thorny vines, pushing them aside to get to the berries growing thick on their stems. Pulling forward the wild roses, drawing my hand back, scratched and bleeding, but with beauty cradled within my fingers. Elbow deep in a cow, helping her to bring forth new life. Getting kicked, knocked over, and dragged, then to know the satisfaction of standing beside an animal that was once wild and is now tame and loving and peaceful.

I have been able to put names to some of the obstacles. Those are the strongest, most important lessons I need to learn right now. Yes, they have names. And as I continue to walk, others will eventually join me when their time is right. Chip, of course, and hopefully others as well, some I already know and love, and perhaps new friends too. Some of these obstacles are pretty tough right now. But that is all part of the journey, par for the course, as Chip would say. And as I pick them up, turn them over in my hands, examine them, I will gain the wisdom that is being offered and those obstacles will never cross my path again. I will have conquered them, to move onto the next. And the more obstacles crossed, the more lessons learned, the more wisdom gained, the more my purpose will come to fruition. Life will become ever more rewarding. I will be blessed with a new understanding. I have to conquer my own obstacles ( demons) before I can help others to banish theirs.
And someday Chip and I will do just that. And I also would like to have a physical partner, working with us to accomplish this greater good.

Yes, though some of these lessons are difficult, scary, painful, it is my intent to face each one with open heart, courage, and determination. I pray that the universe will bless me with true, loyal companions, those who will share this journey lovingly, each of us helping the others along the way.
Yes, even though there may be others out there who are not loyal and true, I must be true to my heart, my soul, my calling. There is no shame in giving your all. If you make a mistake, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, keep moving forward. And those who walk with you, through the storms, mud, thistles and thorns, those are your true friends. Cherish them.