Courage

This topic has been on my mind all weekend.

What does one do when the past is too painful to remember and the future is too frightening to contemplate? Have courage. One of the greatest ways that courage can be exhibited is in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, let your true feelings show, even if at the mercy of others' opinions and judgment. Sure, it's difficult. You never know how the other person will react. But if you don't, how will you ever know the outcome? There is no shame in admitting you are afraid. That is the first step. There may be some who will try to take advantage of your vulnerability, but that will only serve to show you who you can trust. Life is a series of learning experiences.  Whether perceived as good or bad, the lessons all come together to help you grow and gain wisdom. And the people who come to you along the way, good or bad, are your teachers. Have courage.

There are so many examples. The courage to stand up to a bully. To tell someone you love them.  To voice your opinion. To dance when others are sitting still. To speak your heart. To cry openly when you need to. And on and on. And it is hard, because you are allowing others to see you at what you consider a weak moment. So yeah, that is courage. Oh, there are many forms of courage and I am just focusing on the courage of the heart. There are people who risk their lives every day for the safety of others, not only are they courageous, but also heroes. God bless them all.

An example: I have come to trust many people these last few months. And also to cut the ties from some old friends who turned out to not be trustworthy.  It is difficult to make a break of someone you were once close to. And equally hard to open your heart to others, without fear of being betrayed. Recently in my journey I have come across people who I believe truly have my best interests at heart. They are treating me as if I am a sister, someone they are looking out for. I have allowed them to see the part of me that is usually closed off and hidden from the world. For the most part, I am smiling, happy, friendly. Few have observed my inner pain. How many have commented that they had no idea that I have experienced so much tragedy in the last few years? That they would never guess, by my positive attitude? That is because I refuse to allow the things that have happened to me drag me into despair. I have my moments, but as above, the incidents of your life are catalysts for your growth and evolution. So these people, through this blog, and by my sharing with them personally, know me more deeply. Used to be Chip was the only one. Now many of you know. I have decided that life is too short to hold grudges. To not live true to your heart and soul. To not love with all your heart. Someone asked me this weekend, " So you really loved your husband a lot, then? " My God, yes!
I told him, " With all my heart, with all my soul. He is the love of my life, my soul mate." I think this person was in awe of my ability to love so deeply and completely. And it is sad to think that he does not experience that same intensity of love in his own life. It takes courage to share your heart. But oh, the rewards.

And I need to work on some areas of my own life where I need to exhibit some courage. Self confidence. Admitting I need help and reaching out for it. Accepting help when it is offered.  Admitting that there are things that I just cannot do on my own. Maybe even admitting that there are some things that I no longer care to do, and accepting that this does not mean that I have failed.
Then that brings up something else. I am being nudged to take lots of pictures of the place. I believe that it is possibly to prepare me in making a big decision. And as I go out and take the pictures, the memories well up. Memories of good times. Of being together. And, though these are happy memories, there is a pain that arises along with them, for these were things we did together, places we walked together. Everything is different now. He still walks with me, this I know. And my heart is filled with so many conflicting feelings. I want to keep this going. For him. But can I do this? Ah, too much for one night. Time for a break to reconnoiter the subject at a later time. So there. I just bared a bit of my soul to you. Was vulnerable. Thank you my special friends.

 

 

Rainy Saturday

Went for a little memory trip in the shed today and when I came out it started to rain, then to pour. So what did I do? I went dancing in the rain, of course! Now I am soaked, and freezing. So, next I get on facebook to see what is up, and then start to blog, all while dripping wet. Maybe I should go get a hot shower and put on some dry clothes and then come back to this post. Knowing me, though, a nice nap will look good after that shower, so it may be a few hours before I come back here.

Looking into the capital gains tax I can expect to pay when I sell the farm in Indiana. Hopefully, with the deductions for the home farm, I can offset the majority of the tax obligation and realize as much as possible in profit from the sale. Then turn that around and put it into the house. New bathrooms and carpet! Wheeeee! And outside, a new shed, a barn rather, with stalls for the horses and plenty of room for all of the lawn and garden equipment and the tractor and bush hog. And maybe a pond. Oh, it is so nice to dream. And I do not feel guilty because Chip and I discussed all of these things, so I know that he is on board with them. Sure, I would rather he pick out the designs and placement for the new barn, but I am now empowering myself and am finding that it is becoming easier for me to make my own decisions, without needing the approval of others. Just love how the tattoo issue just smacked me right in the face. I was looking to everyone else to tell me if it was ok to get one, and the answer was within me all this time. And I need to remember the feeling of it because I had this calm, grounded sense of knowing that I was making the right decision. And I will want to draw on that in the future.

This came to me the other night:

Thunderstorm, cool breeze. the perfect night. How I wish that you were here physically, so we could sit together like we used to, side by side, arms touching, holding hands. Listening to the patter of the rain on the roof, our breaths synchronized, our hearts as one. You are here, I feel you, I sense you smiling sadly at my melancholy. I miss you, you know. And I understand. You are so much more now. Your heart, your soul, has expanded into infinity. If only I could see you, hear you. I know you try, and I just need to find the key to open that door to where you are, push aside the veil that covers my eyes, see and hear with my heart rather than my physical senses. And trust. I need to trust that what I sense is real.

The horses walk out of the woods. They stand in the field, grazing the sweet clover buds. The rain is refreshing, chasing the flies off for now. A nice cool shower. Such peace. I know that you are at peace too, and that you watch over and guide me. You have sent many friends my way, to walk the path with us. I have become quite close with some of them, and feel your approval - friends, teachers, family, we are all connected.

And the rain comes heavier. Lightening flashes across the sky and thunder roars. I could go out and dance in the rain, basking in the cool sharpness of the raindrops now pounding the leaves on the trees.

We are one, you and I, there is no doubt. But for my inexperience and uncertainty, we could dance together, a dance of love, a dance of joy, a dance of eternal souls. And someday soon, we shall.

What A Week!

Wow, the last two days have been crazy at work. In a good way. Busy, busy, busy. I learned some new things and got a lot done. Today I got to help all four attorneys in the office with various things. Yesterday was wild, and when I got to the office the best surprise was waiting for me - Reagan and the puppy! And  she had a little craft necklace that we made so she could give it to Melissa. Even though last night I was too exhausted to even write a post here, and went to bed at 9:30, and tonight I am equally exhausted, it was very satisfying. I truly enjoy learning new things and being useful. And Rebecca had me rolling yesterday with her impression of her 4 year old, Ella  ( who is my other dear, sweet little girlfriend). And I snapped a picture of her in action, but promised that I will not post it. Darn, Becky, you were so funny!!!   I WANT A BMW!!!!!!! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!

It feels like this is going to be a good weekend to relax, meditate and connect. Already tonight I feel a connection and am looking forward to deepening that and maybe coming up with some good insights and answers to some questions I have. Been getting some advice from some good friends and I just need to sort through it and make up my own mind. God, I wish Chip were able to tell me what to do. I always could count on him to guide me to the right moves. Well, I think I still can.

Probably going to be a lazy, lonely weekend. It has been raining and that means no cutting hay for a while yet. And also won't be able to mow or bush hog either. And gardening is probably out too. And of course, with the tattoo, I am not supposed to do anything strenuous until after it heals. By the way, it looks really wicked right now - like a peeling sunburn. I was about to panic about it when a big piece of green peeled off. Brad went to Rain and told him and Rain told me to come in for him to look at it. When Rain saw it he said that is normal and not to worry, I am taking good care of it and that is just how they heal. He also told me to come back in several weeks and he will touch it up in any spots that need it. Phew! That is a relief.

So that means that this weekend may be a good one for relaxing, reading, writing, and connecting. And I am going to take Mason out for his birthday to pick out his presents. I have to get the kid a lasso. You would think that would not be too difficult to find around here, but looks like a special order item. Huh! Maybe we can turn him into a little rodeo guy. Wait! Why did I not think of just putting a lasso over that crazy heifer's head when I was trying to get her?  Ah, well, the halter gives better control anyway ( not that it helped when I was playing tug of war with her) .

Feeling very grateful and grounded tonight. Somehow I feel a lot more confident, too. something I have noticed over the last couple of weeks is that the words are having a hard time coming again. At work I will be typing a letter and just can't seem to think of the right ( brilliant) words to say. ( I so want to do a good job and impress my attorneys).  I think I need a Thesaurus. But it looks like this weekend is shaping up to be a good one for going inward and working on some things. My goal is to deepen my spiritual connection and move forward on my path to meet my destiny with open arms and heart and begin our work to help heal the planet. Nothing would please me more that to find that purpose, gain the skills I need to fulfill it, and work toward making a difference in people's lives.

Yes, I AM Cindy, and I AM unstoppable! 

Do You?

Do you know how much I miss you? Do you hear my soul calling out for you? Do you know that you mean everything to me? Do you know how much I wish you were here?

Do you know how hard it is to do this without you? Do you see me trying so hard to make the right decisions? Do you understand that I really don't want to have to do this without you by my side?  Do you understand?

Do you realize that, even in my confusion, I strive to please you, to honor you. Do you know that I would do anything for you, anything to hear your voice, feel the warmth of your touch, the beat of your heart against mine. Do you feel the pull of my heart, the ache in that empty spot that you left behind?

Do you know that I will always, always, always love you? Do you have any idea the impact that you have had on so many lives? Do you know how important you are? Do you?

Yes, we have much work to do still. You will show me the way.  I am ready to take that leap, with blind faith, into the unknown, to where you are. And side by side, we will walk this path together.
Do you feel the joyous dance of our souls, connected eternally? Do you?

Perfectly Content

Did not think that I would feel this good, knowing that I have so much to do and think about. But I really do feel calm and grounded. You know what? The hay is going to get done. And I will get the yard cleaned up and bush hogged and trimmed. The fence lines are not bad and the barn is clean for the most part. And as for the house, well, gonna get those bathrooms done, new carpet and the old shed removed and the yard graded and a new shed put in with a loafing stall for the animals added to the back. Oh, and I have to paint the front bay window. But I don't feel stressed about it. Hmmmm. Why do you think that is?

The tattoo is peeling a little. Darn. Here I was thinking this was really easy, no sweat, and now it's starting to scab up and itch. Oh well, Rain will touch it up if need be, and I really do love it. I feel so empowered!

Been thinking again about gratitude, and taking people for granted and being open and loving without fear of rejection. Today was a great day at work, very busy and I felt like I was able to accomplish some things. There is so much to learn and every day there is something new to work on. And Reagan and Riley came to play for a couple of hours! It is so nice to be able to enjoy work. And I try to let everyone there know how thankful I am to be a part of the group, and how much I appreciate everything they have done for me. And, even though it may sound sappy, I really care about everyone there. So there.

You just can't say it too much. If you care about someone, let them know. There are so many ways to show it. A smile, a kind word, a helping hand, sometimes just a sympathetic ear. What can it hurt to extend that kindness to everyone? Does it cost anything to smile at a stranger, open a door for someone, let someone cut in front of you in line or in traffic? When you do these things, you will notice several things. One, the other person will receive the benefit of your kindness and will react ( hopefully) with kindness of their own, and possibly go about their day in a much happier mood than before. Two, you receive the benefit of the awesome feeling knowing that you have helped someone have a better day. Three, the universe will absorb and reflect back the loving vibrations that you have created in being kind to a fellow being, and the cycle continues. Remember, we are all connected.

And this feeling of peace and contentment is so welcome. Almost like I am being enveloped in loving arms, a giant bear hug. Well, maybe I am. You know, really, it is good to be back to feeling like all is well. There is much to think about, but because I am feeling this peacefulness, I am taking that as a good sign that I am on the right path and everything will work out just as it is meant to. And of course, most importantly, my beloved is by my side, guiding and protecting me along the way.

Much To Consider

Way more than I have time to fit into one post. You know how it feels when someone points out something that has been on your mind for a very long time and you have been afraid to acknowledge those thoughts? Something that has been eating at you and bothering you and tearing you up inside, and you don't want to think about it because you feel helpless and afraid of the consequences? And then they bring it up and into the open and you begin a dialog about all those thoughts and feelings and the repercussions of this decision over that one, etc. And you come to some realizations, and you begin to feel a wave of peace, and you know that this is just the beginning, but now it is out there and off your shoulders in some ways. Still a lot of work to be done, decisions to be made. But the first step has been taken, the first hurdle has been cleared. Yes, I do feel a great sense of peace right now. You knew that this has been on my mind for a long, long time and I guess that now was the time to bring it up. And now the work I must do will be hard, I know. You see, I feel that I have obligations, and commitments. Yes, the greatest obligation is to myself, I now know this, but there are 40 years of conditioning to overcome. My love and my loyalty mean everything. But you know how I feel, you know the weight on my shoulders, and the heaviness on my heart when I think of this. Selling the farm in Indiana is not a hard decision, Chip and I talked about that last year and decided it was the best thing to do. No guilt there. Selling Bella, the Russian whore, was ok - we talked about that too. But other things that I do, or need to do, without Chip's input cause pain and worry, because I just don't know if he approves or not and I do not want to dishonor him or disappoint him in any way.
Getting the tattoo was one of the first decisions I have made on my own in a long time. And it gave me such a feeling of independence. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, without question or hesitation. And I need to remember that feeling, because I will need to call upon it again when I make these other decisions that are now out there. I need to know for certain, have absolute confidence that I am making the right choice. And that Chip is 100 percent on board with it. But that is for another day. It is late and I am weary and my headache is coming back. Time for a cup of coffee and a piece of tropical orange cake.

Thank you, my friend, for opening the door. This is going to take some work and much thought, but hey, I have the rest of my life, and my beloved. And a bunch of awesome friends to walk with me.

Namaste

Lazy Sunday Lots Of Rest

This will be a short post. Reminder to self - when bringing home leftover food from restaurant lunch, which includes wasabi mayonnaise, do not stop at the used book store, stay for a good long time while said food remains in car in 90 degree weather, forget to place food in refrigerator for another hour after arriving home, then remove food from fridge, reheat and eat later. Very uncomfortable night.

So I used the morning for resting. I sat and paged through the books I got from the used bookstore and did a lot of journaling. Lots of good insight came to me today, which I will enter here in a future post. Made for a really nice day, even had time for a nap. Thing is, these kind of days go so quickly, just like when you are super busy having fun. Like one minute it is 10 a.m. and I am picking up a book and thinking, and zoom, it is 8:00. Still wish I could go back to Friday night and relive that all over again, but there will be many more of those wonderful times to come.

Had a real epiphany this morning, just popped into my head while thinking about my tattoo - a real AHA! moment, and am trying to translate it into words so I can post it here. Maybe tomorrow. I love these days, when things come to me, and I feel close and connected to spirit. And then I did run to the store today for cat food and ran into Nancy, and we had a really nice chat which included talking about our dear soul mates. And she also mentioned a topic that I was thinking hard about today. Must be a sign. Will talk more about that later too. Right now, I would like to go and BE with my beloved.

Love

Feeling Joyful

Yesterday really was a wonderful day and evening. Still floating on that high of getting the tattoo and going to the festival and dancing. One of those days that you wish you could go back and relive again , because it was just so special. Hopefully the memories will continue to give me that feeling. Spoke to Dave today and he and another guy are going to work on the hay with me. We had some heavy rain this afternoon, and it's supposed to continue to rain this week so probably will be the weekend before we get started. But hey, looks like I will be getting some help.

A little conflicted at first, but then this morning I awoke with a knowing. I start to feel a little guilty for having so much fun and enjoying myself , like I have lost the love of my life and should not be happy. But then I realize that I am moving on and feeling joy. Not moving away from Chip, but moving forward with him. He wants me to live and find my bliss, complete my journey, with him by my side. Everything I do, I do with him in mind and in heart. And I can't help but feel, no - know, that he is urging me on, telling me it's ok. Of course, I wish that he were here in the physical to experience these moments with me, but I also know that some of them may not have occurred in the same manner if that were so. I would forgo all this adventure in a heartbeat though, if I could have him back physically. Just to hear his voice and feel his touch once again. But our path has taken this turn, and I must be true to my destiny. We just are doing things a little differently now. A new way of life, a new adventure. But still, we are together.

It is so important to remember to love with all your heart. Sure, you can get hurt, but if you are true to yourself and your heart calling, you will emerge from any challenge a stronger, wiser, more advanced soul. I would never give up a single moment of my experiences in life, even if it would remove the pain that came along with some of them. All of these moments have combined to make me the person that I am. We are continually growing and evolving as both physical and spiritual beings. Every experience we have becomes an important piece of our identity. It is how we react to and deal with these challenges that determines the extent of our growth in this lifetime. And we will carry this on into the "after". So if we hold back because we are afraid of being hurt, look at all of the opportunities we are turning our backs on. I, for one, choose to boldly move forward, loving and giving freely. Yeah, I started backing off there for a while, fearful of  pain and rejection. But I realized that , that behavior was not actually protecting me, as I was hurting over the fact that I was closing myself off and not allowing the joy and fun and happiness into my heart. It was inauthentic and my soul was rebelling at my decision to act in fear. It was calling me out and chastising me for copping out. And the wonderful feeling of knowing others care about you, and allowing them to do so, and caring about others and realizing that we are all connected, is too precious to waste. And also I have noticed that now that I am back to feeling open, centered and grounded, life flows much more freely again and the connection to spirit is stronger. So go out there, live your lives, love and be loved, know that the universe is watching over you and live your adventure.

Hot Buttered Porn

Ok, so it was very noisy as we were at St. John's festival right in front of the band, and I had three beers in me, but I really thought Bonnie asked me if I wanted some porn. Corn, Cin. She was getting us some CORN on the cob. Oh my gosh what a fantastic day it was today! By the way, the corn was very good. Hot and buttery. And salty.

Bonnie called me and asked if I would like to go to the festival with her and Dave and I was so excited, I could not wait. And it was such a blast! Dave and I had several beers, and things were feeling quite nice. Remember, I don't really drink so one beer is more than enough. Hope I don't get a headache in the morning. And then Bonnie and I got up and danced. Oh, they played lots of Beatles, and Stones and Moody Blues and then some stuff from the '80's. Even Dancing Queen, which Dave seemed to think was really funny. It was because they were all guys singing. I have NEVER danced in public that much and that freely, but I just did not care. I was wild and free and the energy was just flowing. And everyone was having so much fun. So it was a really wonderful night and I am so grateful that Bonnie and Dave thought of me and invited me to go along. They are really fun to hang out with. I love you guys.

And the biggest news of the day: I got my tattoo! Oh yes she did. First, Brad told me last week that he was going to get another one so if I wanted to come along and get mine, I could join him. Then Wednesday he said that we were going today. So I got my artwork together, which was a doodle that Chip had done years ago for me, his name inside a heart. I have always loved that, so I decided that I was going to get it made into a tattoo some day. Today was that day. So we went to the shop and turned in the artwork and then I made my appointment and went back after work. Brad got there just as we were ready to get started. The artist, Rain, was phenomenal. Really nice young guy and we had quite the chat as he prepared. He really cares about his craft and made absolute certain that I was pleased with the design and really wanted to do this. And we really clicked. I felt that connection to him, like he is an old friend. That is a very good thing, all things considered. When he learned that this was to commemorate my love for Chip, he seemed even more eager to make this a fantastic experience for me. Now, everyone told me that tattoos on the wrist hurt really bad, but I was not to be dissuaded from my decision. And Rain explained that stress and fear have a lot to do with the amount of pain, and even bleeding that one would experience. And he could see that I was not stressed or worried in the least. I had absolute confidence in my decision and in his ability to make my dream a reality. As he dug in for the first round, I looked over at Brad, who was sitting next to me. I know he was looking to see what my reaction was going to be, but to be honest, it really did not hurt much at all. A stinging, burning sensation. That was it. Hardly any blood, and very little pain and swelling. Piece of cake, people.  And thank you, BMK for going along for moral support and helping me to make this a reality, to honor Chip, and my everlasting love for him.

And Brad S. mentioned that I work in a very interesting office. Well, yes, I certainly do. And that is another blessing that I am so grateful for. I know I say it a lot. But it is so true. The work is interesting and challenging, the people are incredible, the opportunities that I have been given are priceless. Each and every one of you are very special. Again, I have said this before, but I must have done something very right for the universe to grant me such a wonderful place to work and such wonderful people to work with and for. And Ella came today and we got to play and draw. And she stopped drawing and looked at me and very seriously said " I love you, Cindy". Awwww. And I said "I love you too, Ella".

So I have been very blessed with all of these fantastic friends and family. From Bonnie and Dave and the gang, to everyone at CK, to Brad S. and the radio community, and of course Chip and all of our friends on the other side of the veil. Today each and every one of you warmed my heart. May you all know the love and honor that I hold in my heart for you.

Namaste

Peaceful Feelings

It seems again lately that I am noticing every white van with ladder racks that goes by. My pulse quickens a bit and I feel that happy anticipation that I used to have when I saw Chip pulling into the driveway. It is as if I feel his physical presence inside that van, and he is really coming home to me. And this is a good feeling, not exactly sad like you would expect. It feels comforting and peaceful.

Today BMK was teasing me for being sappy. Yes, you were just teasing, I know. And I said something to Courtney when I was leaving about being sappy and she said that she would hope that if something happened to her, someone would miss her as much as I miss Chip. That really touched me, because it is true. I love that man with all my heart and there is no one I would rather be with than him. It's a really good feeling to have that dedication and loyalty. And through this journey I know that he continues to walk by my side.

And again, that feeling of all being right with the world is back. Such a wonderful place to be. Hoping that some things are ironing themselves out and more good things are to come. If Dave can do the hay for me, that will be one huge load off my mind. And if the bush hog needs looked at, I am sure he will do that too. Really need a buddy to work with me, and Dave is the perfect one.

Today it popped into my head that I have been timid for many years now. Working at DR Court really took a lot out of me. We were not allowed to use initiative or make any decisions, and were all terrified to make mistakes and feel the wrath of " The Bat". And I remembered that I ran the offices at Service Merchandise and was headed to be a corporate trainer right before the stores closed. And at the bank I was customer service manager, and created, organized and gave a seminar to the entire company about superior customer service practices, and initiated an online training program for all of the employees. Wow. Really, I have accomplished quite a bit. And I am looking forward to many more accomplishments in the future. Given a little time, I will learn all of this stuff and be a super awesome assistant.

So, really, things feel a little more at ease lately. After the last couple of weeks with the angst and hurt feelings over not being able to trust, it is a welcome relief. And a really good learning experience. Sure, it hurts that I will question certain people's motives and the validity of their words. Yes, it is unfair that I was placed in that situation. But I am tough, and I will just have to remember and really be more careful with what and who I believe. And there are people that I can trust. And it is such a great feeling that one has when one feels that trust. You can be relaxed and honest and authentic without fear of being betrayed or taken advantage of. And now that ability to trust certainly means more to me than ever before. It is just that, when you believe what someone says, you can relax and feel the true emotions of the moment, not be on guard all the time. You can feel that lightness of being, that freedom to allow your heart to soar. Chip was/is the only person that I could ever trust fully and completely. And I love that feeling of light heart and soul. That wonderful uplifted feeling of happiness flooding your very core. I will trust again, fully and freely.  And things will just continue to get better.

Getting late, and last night got away from me, talking to Brad. So I am definitely going to go to bed early tonight.

Open your hearts, be excellent to one another.

Content and Restful

That is the feeling for tonight. Had a lot to do today at work and I feel like I accomplished quite a bit. Got the grass mowed, except for the push mowing and that will wait until tomorrow, as my back is still a bit ouchie from the rodeo this weekend. And my leg finally turned purple from the kick it took from that crazy heifer.

And I have this wonderful, restful feeling, which is very welcome. Spirit is whispering in my ear, and tickling my back as I type this. Hmmm, not being nudged to say anything in particular though. There is a feeling of calm and peace.

Last night's radio show was just awesome. Nancy Newman the Toe Lady was on and did toe readings. Now, feet kind of creep me out, so it was hard to call in and talk about my toes, but boy did  I learn a lot, and it was quite insightful. And Nancy has such a great personality, she made me feel absolutely at ease discussing my crazy feet. Her website is www.toelady.com/ You should visit and see for yourself. It is so wonderful to meet all of these amazing people through Brad's radio show, Inner Guide Empowerment Radio.

So no words are coming, gonna take the hint and go to bed early tonight. My Kindle has been feeling left out lately, so I think I will spend some time reading and resting. Loving this feeling, please keep it up. Very grateful. Grateful for my job, the people I work for and with, my friends and family, the opportunity to live on a beautiful farm and care for all of the blessed animals there, and all of the other wonderful blessings that come my way. I wish for all of you to know a sense of peace and contentment.



Love and appreciation to all.

Think About It

You should never take anyone or anything for granted. Ever. Always be grateful. Always be willing to help out. Be brave. Be honest. If you care about someone, let them know. Don't hold off on telling people how much they mean to you just because you are afraid that they won't feel the same. Don't get jealous, or possessive, or envious. Ask for help when you need it. Don't be afraid to show what you perceive as weakness - for others may be aching for the opportunity to reach out and assist. Be kind. Life is way too short to go around being fearful. And really, all of the negative traits above originate from fear. How wonderful life would be for all of us if we just lived our lives based on love.

I know, I know - I do go on about love and flowers and rainbows and puppies.  Stop retching and don't make fun of me.  Being positive is a good trait. Last week was a tough one for me. There are a couple of old friends that I need to break up with. Free myself from the negativity and strife that they cause. There are people that I wish would like another chance. Like we could go back and start all over again and rebuild the trust that was broken. That is up to them. But once again I feel that I have gone through the shit field and emerged on the other side needing a shower, but with a much clearer idea of what to do. Hey, I'm tough. If anybody saw the video from last post - that is a 400 pound heifer and I was holding my own pretty well with her. So while you are going through your issues and working through them, life seems hard, and bleak and unfriendly. But once you come out the other side of it, you can see things much more clearly, solutions and answers come to you and you can begin the process of resolving, and learning from the situation and moving forward. That's where I am right now on the trust and friend issue. And it is a relief. Even though I am saddened that it happened, I will be able to chalk it up as a learning experience and step out looking for the next adventure.

Today was one of those days where I felt really inadequate at work. You see, there are so many different courts, and each one has its own particular rules, so there are any number of ways to process the same kind of document. I have no idea how to do any of them, as I have only just begun to learn criminal procedure. So I spent a good amount of time on some Praecipe's for subpoena Duces Tecum, only to discover ( thank you Melissa ) that even though I did a bang up job ( in my opinion ), I used a format that the particular court would not accept. Aughhh. And that was the beginning of the spiral into my " oh my god I will never learn all this I am so stupid how will I ever learn all of this and become the assistant that I want to be for these awesome attorneys and show them that I am fantastic and smart and valuable and they will think I am great and pat me on the back and tell me how wonderful I am and I will make their lives so much easier and everyone will love me and....."  Get it?
So basically, I felt stupid. And then some people in the office reminded me that I am new, and just learning and how could I be expected to know all this stuff. And I told Rebecca and Eliot that I so want to be the best assistant and read their mind before they even think of what they want to do. And then I stepped back and took a breath and realized ( thank you Rebecca ) that I CAN do this. I need to have a little self confidence, and I will learn all this stuff. Remember, everything I have ever tried, I have mastered. And it just takes time and patience. Oh God! There's that "P" word again.

And more and more each day I am reminded that I was brought to this. Here's where the grateful and not taking things for granted comes in. BMK and Candice, though they are younger than I , have essentially become like my big brother and big sister. They are looking out for my feelings and making sure that people don't hurt me or take advantage of me. Ok, I can take care of myself for the most part, but emotionally I can be fragile now and then. ( But you couldn't tell that at all, could you? ) And it is such a wonderful feeling, that knowing that someone has your back. And of course, I have their backs too. And Candice, I have no doubt that you would do some major butt kicking on my behalf. Just set up your pay pal account and send me the bill. 

Looks like Ella will be coming to play on Friday and I am very excited to see her. She is such a sweetie. I am surrounded by these awesome little girls and it is like heaven to me. Again, a blessing that comes along with my job.

So anyway, trying to get across the point that the goal is peace. And it is coming back. Stop, take a breath, get grounded and centered. And just be positive. Be kind. Be honest. And of course I am being "nudged" to add BE PATIENT. Sure sure, I know. I hear ya.

Unstoppable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yiTjdJKyxY



You got that right Brad! Above is the YouTube link to the video of the rodeo from last night. For some reason I was only able to get the movie uploaded through YouTube and then had to link it to Facebook and Fields of Gold. It is edited down to about a fourth of it's original length, and in the end we got her caught and tied to the gate and calm and happy. Now the breaking to lead and other fun stuff begins. Yeah, I would have chased her all night if I had to. What a great feeling. Another one of those times that most normal people would look at as torture, but made me feel so ALIVE!

Good golly! Was up until 3:30 this morning fooling with that thing, but I was much too worked up to get to bed anyway. Suddenly I have become some sort of night owl. Before, I was in bed by 9 or 10 at night, but since I have all these exciting and wonderful people to keep me occupied and happy, I seem to have lots more energy. And I owe that happiness, peace, contentment and energy to my friends. Oh wow. Life was so good, peaceful and wonderful before Chip passed. Then life got dark and lonely and rough. And then people started showing up in my life. First Brad S., who has become a staple in my world. He has helped me, led me, guided me and transformed me into someone who can once again look at life with eyes of wonder and awe, and know that there is a wonderful, fulfilling future in store. Thank you my friend. And the radio community that Brad introduced me to. So many fantastic people,wonderful, loving souls gathering together to share the love and light of their hearts.  And the crew at CK, who make me feel like a part of the team, who make me laugh and smile. You guys are all my rock. May all of your dearest dreams come true.

So even though I have been working through some issues with trust and patience this past couple of weeks, really the important thing to remember is that life is always changing, switching things up. Getting better. It throws little lessons in our path to keep us honest, keep us growing and evolving. One thing that came to me this morning is that, I can forgive. These trust issues really knocked me for a loop this week and it is so much better to let them go, send the offenders love and light , forgive and move on. I liked the feeling I was having last month, when I felt open and free and trusting. Believing. Light and happy.  Though it may be difficult, I choose to accept the fact that I made a mistake, and am not going to allow that to effect my ability to trust in the future. Rather than being jaded, it is more important to let the negative go and draw forth only positive vibrations, positive outcomes. If you allow yourself to think that there are no trustworthy people, or block yourself from trusting to keep from being hurt, you are only harming yourself in the end. It is vital to be true to yourself. Why close yourself off because of the actions (or perceived actions) of someone else? It is better to still be yourself, to love and trust with your whole heart, knowing that the universe will correct any imbalances, teaching you valuable lessons along the way. So I have chosen to set aside the feelings of sheepishness, and " oh god you are so stupid what were you thinking", and start fresh. Forgive myself for allowing my trust issues to overwhelm me, and move on. Start over today with a more realistic perspective, and open my heart back to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life. Love and fear are incompatible. You have room for only one in your life. Choose love.

Yeah Baby!

Some people who actually see me may have noticed that I am losing weight. Well.  I tried on a pair of shorts I bought years ago because they were marked down from $40.00 to $3.99, which were (way) too small when I got them. I figured that, what the heck, maybe someday I would lose some weight. Woo Hoo! Those shorts not only fit, but they are a little too big. So. Ya. Now I just need to build up the muscle I lost when I was sick, and that shouldn't be too hard. As a matter of fact, In a few minutes I have to go down to the farm and meet the kids to get that wild heifer haltered. Then on to some bush hogging. And there is always poop to shovel.

And..... I'm back. Love it. No one knew I was gone, did they?  And wow, what a rodeo. I got kicked a good one in the leg, which just pissed me off and made me more determined to catch that girl. And I did. Woot Woot! And then got the bush hog hooked up and did a little mowing.

Oh My God. I tried to download the video of the rodeo and instead lost the entire rest of this post! Aughhh.  Well, here are some pictures, will try the video another time. And I had some pretty marvelous stuff on here too. Now I have to try and remember.

Ok, so my stalker "friend" has resurfaced again and you may have noticed that over the last week I have been posting a lot about loyalty, trust, and true friends. Well, she also had my old boss, whom I have not spoken to in 6 years, call me. Why does she not understand? She hurt me and I cannot trust her. There are very few people in this world that I can really trust. And I am very grateful for them. And you know, I am naive, and vulnerable, but when I trust, I do so whole hearted. When I find true friends, I will give them my heart and soul, and my loyalty. Please do not hurt me. If you care about me, then let me know. If you do not, or if you have ulterior motives, then please, move on. I send you love and peace. But I must surround myself with people that I can trust and care about, and you know what?  I AM a freakin' awesome friend!!

Ok, today is 8 months. And the more appropriate way to view this is that Chip's passing is in some ways considered a celebration, as he has moved on to the next leg of his journey and new adventure. For him, he is at peace, he knows all that is going on, he has realized new abilities that he could not possess in the physical. He does not have to follow the physical laws of space-time. He is pure love and energy. And he has chosen to stay with us and work with us. Love and protect us. We have many more adventures to experience together. Much work to do. And the words will come, the books will be written, the seminars held, people helped. Yes, this is just the beginning. Patience, all will come as it is meant to.

And as always, I hope my dear friends will come along for the ride.

Pondering

Was having a really nice chat with Noella tonight as I was getting ready to head home and she invited me over for the Fourth of July. Sounds like it is going to be a whole lot of fun and I am really looking forward to it. I have been there a little over 2 months and already feel like I have a whole new family. Like the brothers and sisters that I always wished I had. It is such an overwhelming feeling of deep gratitude and appreciation when I think of these great people and how they have brought so much fun and a sense of belonging and camaraderie to my life. They are teaching me so much, not just about law and working in a legal office, but about how wonderful it is to be a part of such a close-knit group of people, all working together as a team for the good of the whole. Hey, I am not sucking up, I truly feel this. Remember, I keep saying that you need to tell people you care about them and appreciate them. Yeah, I kind of find myself holding back and editing my thoughts right now because I know some of you may read this, and I don't want to come across as seeking favor, but this is my outlet, the place that I register my deepest feelings, and in sharing them, I am just being honest and authentic to my self. I respect each and every one of you. BMK, CNCK, RSC, EGB, CH, NC, MAM, SS.

Last night got to have dinner with my dear friend Beth. Oh Beth, I have missed you so and hope that we can get together more often. You make this world such a wonderful place for so many souls, and give of yourself with no thought about what is in it for you. Beth, you are such an inspiring, loving person and you deserve the best that life has to offer. I am honored to call you friend.

Going back to the drive home tonight, I always used to rush home, eager to get home to Chip.  Couldn't wait, and I would always get anxious and impatient if I had to stop on the way and run errands. All I wanted to do was get home to his loving arms. Well, then I felt sad. Like, there is no need to rush home, exactly. But that is true in a good way also, because he is by my side always now, always with me. And we were never the couple that went out and did things like most people do. It was more fun for us to stay home and just sit side by side on the couch, cuddled together. Or working on the farm. Our entertainment was walking fence, or herding cows, or bushhogging. And we still do, just in a different way.

Someday, the "switch" is going to trip and I am going to come into my abilities. The words I write will flow more effortlessly, have more meaning, find their way to those who need them. I will learn to communicate more effectively with Spirit, and pass the messages I receive along to those they are intended for. I will spread hope and healing and love and light to the world, one person, one chapter at a time.

The people who come into your life are there for a purpose. Some for just a moment, some for a lifetime. Really, in the concept of eternity, it is all just a moment. But each one carries a lesson for you and it is your choice as to how you relate to them. It could be just a quick brush with a total stranger waiting in line with you, a warm smile and kind word, that turns your bad day around and gives you a feeling of love and peace. Or it could be a dear friend who is by your side always. Or a lover whose gentle caress melts away the stress of life and takes you to a place of love and bliss. And  teachers and soul friends and of course, soul mates. Some of them have been with you many times and will continue to journey with you. Others serve their purpose and move on to their own journey. We are all connected. Nothing is really random. Open your eyes and look around, see life for what it really is. Open your ears and listen, hear the beauty in every kind word, birdsong, innocent laughter. Open your hearts and know. Know that we are all one. That the only way to get through this thing called life is to live and love and share. Share kindness, compassion, love, truth. Give your smile and time to a lonely person, be kind, be caring. Remember to always treat others as you wish to be treated. Remember - we are all connected, we are all one.

BE excellent to one another.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

Yeah! Wow what a day today. Work was crazy, fun and busy- and all in a good way. We were running around trying to figure out the cantankerous copier, laughing like crazy about a couple of things ( some at my expense) and having a great time. Noella said I fit right in there. Yeah, I know, I mention how much I love this job and the people a lot, but I really do. God, do you know how good it is to laugh and feel happy again? Thank you guys.

Been thinking a lot about honesty, integrity, and people's true intentions. And I may be wrong, but I feel as if some people in my life are not being completely authentic with me. Could it be they are trying to pull the wool over my eyes in order to get their own way? Well, I have news for you - ain't nobody got time for that! If you want to be my friend, then be honest with me. If you have ulterior motives, then take a hike. Because I am done, done, done, with being taken advantage of. Chip has been a guardian angel watching over me, and he is sending people and situations to me ( as is the universe) that are good for me and part of my path. I am so blessed to have these people in my life, to know that to them, I matter. And they matter to me as well. I will stand by and defend them, will be loyal to the end. I will never, ever compromise my integrity, or my loyalty to those I have pledged it to. There are a couple of old "friends" who come to mind as I type this. And it hurts a little to think that these were people that I loved and trusted, and they really were just using me to fill their own self serving needs. And when I needed them, in my darkest moments, they were no where to be found. But all of these new and wonderful people are appearing, and they are awesome. And my old friend Gina has been back in touch, and I am so happy that we are going to start getting together more often. And I have to mention my bestie Beth. Now talk about someone who is a true friend. I will never, ever forget the love and kindness she has shown to us.

And that was my tangent for the evening.

Also had a great epiphany this afternoon! It still is more in "thought form" and I haven't been able to put it into words just yet, but I had the distinct feeling that one of my purposes is making itself known to me. Always felt that I need to tell my story so that others may be able to get some insight from my experiences. And I also feel the need to share and to help others heal. And to make the world a better place for all beings. And today an idea popped into my head that goes along with that. Wish I could explain it better, but the words aren't ready just yet. Remember I was talking about feeling like the caterpillar in the cocoon getting ready to emerge as the butterfly? You know, once my wings dry and I take off in flight, nothings gonna stop us! I have an awesome guide to take my hand and lead the way.

Fly with us.

Just A Quickie

Yeah, used to love those. LOL LOL LOL!!  But seriously, very tired tonight. Busy day at work. Got home and jumped right back in the car with Prudy to run errands. But we did go to Longhorn Steakhouse for a nice dinner. Then rush home for the radio show, which we missed Brad's meditation because I got here late. But the show was awesome and I definitely am going to listen to it again and start using some of the tools that Francis Rico shared with us.

Happy Birthday Dad!!! Love and miss you. I have felt you close lately and want you to know that it means a lot to me. So glad we got close those last few months. Be blessed and know you are loved.

And where did the evening go? It is now 10:30 and since I was up again until after midnight last night, I simply must get to bed. Even Annie is coming in and poking my arm, saying "feed me and let's go to sleep."   First a shower - it is hot out there still. And Pru said I am losing so much weight I am getting too thin! Love ya!

But if you can't feel the energy here, I will tell you that I feel some relief from last night's panic fest. That is because of the awesomeness that is "The Grissom". Ok, I am still impatient as hell. I think everyone I spoke with today told me that, from all my awesome co workers at the CK, to Prudy to Brad. Ah, someday I shall overcome that impatience. I am in training and just need to go with the flow.

But as some wise persons told me, I need to start taking care of me a little better. So goodnight dear blog. A nice cool shower, some Gatorade, OOOHH and a piece of key lime meringue pie, THEN bed. Just for sleep, of course.

The Value Of True Friendship - OR - What The F*** IS Wrong With Me?

You know that feeling you get when you realize that someone cares about you. Really, truly cares about you? Several times today I was gifted with that realization. And along with that, I was able to finally decide what I think is bothering me. I am tired of second guessing. I want to know where I stand in life. This is going to be one of those posts where I have to be very open and authentic, and in sharing my pain, hopefully maybe someone else will get some insight and healing from these words.

First, I know that I am naive. And that I do not want to get hurt. And I have been working on looking into past relationships that were hurtful, in which my trust was betrayed. And all of a sudden I have been uncovering some deep wounds that I had long ago considered forgotten. It is really difficult to trust and to open your heart, however I have always just thrown mine out there with the hopes that only good, kind, honest and loyal people would grab it and hold it and cherish it. I can't bear to be hurt, to have my heart broken, to be betrayed. And since I am working on remembering these past hurts, I think it is bringing up those fears of betrayal again. This is something to be worked through, not hidden from, but it has been difficult. Remember, my heart has been broken. I miss my beloved soul mate more than words can ever express. And there are days when it is much harder than others.

And I also am afraid that I could become too dependant on people. And that dependence and vulnerability is also very frightening. And yes, it is a beautiful thing to be an innocent, loving trusting soul. But the dark side to that is you can be easily taken advantage of and hurt, and there is a huge fear looming over me about this. And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else. I feel myself closing up with the fear, closing myself off and going inside myself to try to hide from it. Sorry BS. Hmmm... yesterdays post - "sever the link to the fear".  See, Chip always protected me. Still does, I know that. I sense deeply that if anyone tried to screw with me, had less than the very best of intentions for me, Chip would intervene somehow and keep me safe. And perhaps he is doing so by bringing these friends into my life.

These friends of mine. Tonight I just want to touch on a couple of them, because you have so touched me today. The fact that you really do have my best interests at heart means the world to me. You have brightened my day with your crazy antics and your kind consideration. Really I am amazed at the lengths you went to in looking out for me. At this very sensitive point in my life, when I am questioning my purpose and my instincts and my very heart, you are all there, cheering me on and symbolically holding my hand. Oh, hell. BMK - thank you for,well, your advice and everything. And Candice - ditto!! And I know that you guys tease me for being so naive, but I also know that you aren't going to tell me that I am stupid for having hopes and dreams. You probably don't understand, but your friendship gives me courage. I am so grateful to have you and the entire CK gang on my side. Besides Beth, I have never worked with a greater group of awesome people.
So much more I want to say  but the words don't seem to want to come. Oh god, am I getting blocked again? Just know that you are all very cherished and how much it means that you have my back.

BS, tonight was not my best, for sure. My impatience, fear and insecurity has gotten the best of me over the last several days as I question what life has in store for me. Things seem to go so well and so quickly, and then there is a stand still that makes me feel left out and lonely. And the conversation about selling the farm and the beach? We need to finish that one. I think I am feeling some guilt over that. Just need to sort some things out, that's all. Just want to continue working on connecting with spirit, and after the last several weeks of feeling close and grounded, this last week has found me feeling lost. Yup, just need to work through it. Need to center and ground and get out of my head.
I am feeling a bit un authentic tonight because there is so much that I cannot say in this blog that I would like to say to everyone in person. But personal is personal and while I bare my soul for the most part, some things need left unsaid, and rather felt.  Feel it. Know it. I care deeply and appreciate you all.

And soon I shall be back on track and I will be fucking awesome!!!

I Had A Dream Last Night

Had a couple of dreams actually, but the one I need to journal here is I awoke saying " Sever the link to the fear". Well, I heard it in my head, someone else's voice, and then I repeated it. Along with that I had the vision of scissors cutting a wire or thread or something similar, symbolic of "the link". And I actually woke myself up saying the words.So this is the second time that I remember actually waking up shouting out something. Really, I need someone else here to see what else I am saying in my sleep. I may just be having some really profound conversations with spirit and not know it. And the dog isn't telling.  My first impression was that it was something that  either Chip or Brad, "the Grissom" was telling me. Will have to ask him about that tomorrow. It could have several meanings in my life right now and as I am typing this, many hours after the fact, I am confused. What is the link? Is it a person? A belief system? Childhood conditioning? And which fear? All fear? Just one area?  Ack! I think that by putting this into words, I have just made it more convoluted.  But the important thing is that I am aware that someone is trying to get messages to me and communicate. And that is very very welcome.

Another thing that is important to remember is the random "thoughts" that pop into my head. They may not just be my imagination. First thing one does when that happens is usually to decline to believe that it is a communication, and to just chalk it up to imagination or your own thoughts. But maybe it is not. Maybe those "Hi, I am thinking of you" thoughts that pop up are actually from someone. I am learning that you can not question these things. Just accept and allow and encourage them. Thing is with me, is it is so hit and miss. But it is happening more regularly, or at least I am acknowledging it more. All of this is so exciting. Something that would be great is if I had someone to practice with. Send each other loving thoughts and see if we each  get the messages.

Well, there is a rainstorm outside, no thunder yet but I am hoping, and it is cooling down. Why was it 80 degrees when I was pushing the lawn mower earlier? Well, bless his heart though, my nephew came to cut my sister in law's grass and he did my hillside by the street for me, which saved my back a lot of ouchiness. It was really hurting me today so I took a rest and by the time I came back out to do the hill, Ben had already done it. Thank you, Ben! Really feeling tired. Have not gotten to bed until after midnight 3 nights in a row and now it has caught up. It is only 6:00 but I think I need to go lay down on the patio and listen to the storm and read my book. Getting ready to start an Abraham Hicks book so I want to finish up this Wayne Dyer one about the law of attraction.

Oh my! I also still have some homework to do. I wonder if  my guru, The Grissom, will let me off the hook and give me an extension, since my last assignment was so incredibly intense. I have been really good, honest. But right now I can barely keep my eyes open and a nap appears to be in order. Perhaps afterward I shall be refreshed and raring to go.

Need to tell all of my beloved friends that I love and appreciate you. Thank you for accepting me into your lives, and becoming a part of mine, and for sharing this journey with me.

Dear Friend

Just got back from Beth's daughter's graduation party. That was really fun. I miss Beth so much and I wish somehow she could come and work with me. And I did not realize just how very much I missed her until I was leaving to come home and I felt like I was going to cry. She is one of those special people. Hopefully we will get to spend more time together now that summer is here and we can catch up on all the crazy stuff that goes on at the court. We have a dinner date for next week, and I can't wait! Oh, Beth, I miss you so so much. And on the way home, I had one of those impulses to just keep on driving. You know, I could get the dog and throw a couple of treasured items in the Mustang and just drive, go on an adventure, sell everything and start over. Oh, yeah, I know, I know, that is not the answer. And this is home. And this place is pretty awesome. Where else could I find a nature preserve as beautiful as this:

                             Early Morning:    Breakfast on Guinea Run Farm


Well, the last two nights I have kept busy. And it has been fun. I have not felt the strong connection to Chip the last two days and am starting to get a little worried. Is it just because I was out really late last night in a huge crowd and there was so much going on I just could not connect? And today I was just a little down, so maybe my vibration was too dense. Remember the last couple of weeks I have felt him very close. And of course on Wednesday and Thursday nights he was obviously close. Oh, I do so love that feeling of closeness. Ah patience. Baby steps.

So there. Started to get impatient again, didn't you? Well, no worries, be kind to yourself. You did journal quite a bit this morning. Actually got up at 7 and did not get to bed until after 1. Sounds like a good night for a shower, early bed and some reading. Hope my beloved will come snuggle with me.

Say What You Need To Say

Listening to Say from John Mayer and it really does have a lot of meaning. I know I just posted about this subject a few days ago, but it certainly bears repeating.

Life is short people. If you truly care about someone, let them know. You really never can say too much. Do you know how much it means to someone when you tell them how you feel? You may make their day, or their week, or even help them to decide that it is all going to be ok. Don't waste it. Don't let the moment slip away. I for one, am trying to express to my friends just how much they mean to me. Thank people for their kindness. Compliment them. Share with them. Give lots of hugs. There can never be too many. I got the chance to tell Chip how I felt. And he told me too. And gifted me with a wonderful reminder this week of how powerful his love for me still is.  If anyone thinks I am crazy for expressing my feelings, well, let them. This new me, this awakening being, is beginning to realize that raising our vibrations through love and light is the way to heal ourselves, each other and the world.

Also have been going through some old pictures today. Oh gosh, so many memories. 

  30 years ago. Me and my big red horse, Rusty. Notice that our hair is the same color? Really.  And notice the smug look on my face?  That's because this was Rusty's first ride. I broke him myself. Bareback baby!  I love big powerful things between my legs. Chip is laughing about that joke right now.

More than 21 years ago. The view from the apple orchard of the old stone farmhouse. Circa 1860.My god, my little brown Nissan pick up is in the background there too.

About 15 years ago. " I just got borned"  Brand new baby, just out, still wet. The look on his face! What the hell just happened here???!!! I think Chip and I may have helped to pull him.



About 8 years ago. Papaw and Syd feeding the baby. I think this was Tiny Tim. Just the beginning.


Ok, too many memories, overwhelmed. Need to go take a nice long walk.

I LOVE YOU ALL  





                                                        

Really Fun Night

Ah, it is very late, almost midnight, but I wanted to blog this since it was such a fun night tonight. Really did not expect to be out so late, but Bonnie and I went to have dinner with Uncle Al and the rest of the family. It was so great to see him again and when we were leaving, he held my hand and told me I am just as much part of the family as ever - more so. Which made me want to cry since Chip's family has really taken me under their wings. Especially my sister in law Nancy and my niece Susie and her husband Justin and their little boy. Great feeling. And of course, Chip was there too.

Then Bonnie took me to St. Bernard's festival where the Remains were playing and we listened to the band and had a grand time. They play lots of the old 60's and 70's stuff. Mostly the Beatles, Moody Blues and the Stones. So I figured what the hell, and got in front of the stage and danced. And Bonnie took a picture. So I let go of my inhibitions and allowed myself to have a great time.

So anyway. That was tonight. Now I think I need a nice shower and bed. Pretty awake still so maybe some reading first. But it really felt good to get out and do something, just like a few weeks ago when we went to the amusement park. Great start to what I hope to be a great weekend. Usually the weekends are pretty lonely since everybody has their own stuff to do, so it is great that I got to spend time with Bonnie and Uncle Al.

I hope that Brad (The Grissom) will appreciate the courage it took for me to get out there like that. I am normally way too shy to do that kind of stuff.  But if my path is going to take me in that direction, I am going to be speaking to large groups of people in the near future. Maybe this was a test to see if I can get comfortable with it. And believe me, I am ready to do whatever it takes.

Laters Baby

Undeniable

Today I received a validation that was absolutely undeniable. I won't put all the details here, because it really is a very precious and personal matter, but the story has to be told. My beloved soul mate, Chip is here. Absolutely. No doubt. I really don't believe that I had any doubt, based on my beliefs and my experiences over the last seven months, but now there is absolute proof. And with it comes the greatest sense of peace and love. It is inexplicable. Actually, as I sit here, grasping for words, I realize and understand that there really are no words to pay justice to the feelings that are flooding over me. I know that I need to know and remember this feeling.And ,oh, I shall. I have gotten past the shock and awe, and now and feeling the calmest, most soothing feeling. It is like falling in love all over again and having the person you love profess his love back. Well, that is exactly what it is.
I am filled with Love. And what I can only call "knowing".

Yes, I know this is one of those cryptic posts, one that is meant more for me and a couple of special people who know what it is all about. But ABSOLUTELY, UNDENIABLY, ETERNALLY I AM LOVED. I am not alone. My dear partner is here, and will be by my side. I am so ready to go forward. I know that I am on the right path and he is here with me. We will now be moving on to the next step of our journey. Time to move forward with eyes, ears, mind and heart open. Remember when I said I was having those feelings like something big and wonderful was about to happen? Well, I think here it comes. And I AM ready.

Thank you. Thank you Chip - for so many reasons, a universe full of reasons. I have not felt this deeply loved and cared about in a long while. My beloved.  Thank you Brad S. (The Grissom) for being here to work with us and help us. Thank you to Pru, for being your father's daughter. And thank you to Patricia, for making sure the message got to me. But I know that Chip was going to go to any length to make sure that happened.

And now I must go and BEwith my beloved.

Love and light to all.

What If

This post is dedicated to someone I work with. She is a wonderful person and I love and respect her dearly. She is a worrier. She worries about what if this and what if that. Just like I used to. Still do sometimes actually but I am much better. And it is so easy to understand because when you have walked in those shoes, you know. But we cannot walk this earth being afraid to live in it. The whole purpose for our existence here is to live, and learn through our experiences. And sometimes life is scary, and sometimes it hurts. Believe me. And we get scared. And we get hurt. And sometimes we even get devastated. But we have 2 choices. We can give up. Or we can get up and move forward. Sometimes we have a difficult time deciding which choice we will make. I know this too. And though sometimes it may seem that the only way out is to give up, if you give yourself one more chance, just a little more time, you will find that you will be able to get up and move. And each step you take after that will be a little easier, a little faster, a little lighter. And back to the subject of worry. Well, it wastes precious time. If you don't cross the street because you are afraid of what may be on the other side, you will never find that wonderful book store, or coffee shop, or new friend. If you don't reach out to the person you care about because you fear rejection, you may never discover a true love. If you don't get on that horse because you are afraid of falling, you will never know what it is like to fly. So allow yourself, your loved ones, your children, to venture out and experience life. Live it with passion and abandon. Life is short. Live it fearlessly.  Do not be afraid to love. Love with all of your heart.

That Was Unexpected

Wowza! The radio show tonight was completely amazing! Alli Cheslick was on and did readings for the callers. I really was not planning on calling in as I was feeling more quiet and contemplative and wanted to give other callers a chance to get on, but I did get on and Alli's messages for me were ( thank you Tammy ) "Bang On"!!  There were a few things I need to think about and make sense of, but there is no doubt that she is validated in her messages. She did not even get to ask me my question ( which was just if Chip had any messages for me, anyway ) before spirit was shooting messages to her, which were totally unexpected from me. I belive that my brother Randy came through, as well as my father and it sounds like my mother. Not really a message from her, but it is strange because when I was on the phone waiting to be pulled into the show, I had a sense that they were there. Didn't feel a presence, like I do with Chip, but just a knowing in my head or heart or whatever that said they were there. And now I feel peace. In many ways. Will have to ask "The Grissom" what he thinks about that, since last night my mother was the main topic of discussion. Maybe now I won't have to do my homework. *Hint*

Here is the link to the show. I encourage everyone to listen, both to the archived shows and also the live shows that Brad has every Tuesday.   http://www.blogtalkradio.com/innerguideempowerment/2013/06/05/keys-to-the-kingdom-of-joy-prosperity-and-self-empowerment    

If you haven't figured it out by now, Brad's show is the highlight of the week. Do yourselves a favor and listen in.

 Really need to process all this information before I write any more tonight. My mind is overflowing and I am overwhelmed with a sense of contentment. Could it be that I just got an answer that I had been seeking from 30 years ago in regards to my brother's death? And my father came through to say hi. Good to hear from you, Dad. I have mentioned you here before. Hope you are well and happy. And mom, well, maybe you were saying " sorry".  And will someone please tell me what the white roses stand for? Anyway love you all. Yes, you too, mom. You were my biggest enemy and probably my greatest teacher because of that. Yeah, well, more about that later. Mostly just between me and The Grissom.

So there is much more to say, but it needs to be processed and digested first. And I am exhausted as I did not get to bed until after midnight again last night. Time to hit the hay. Hmmm, literally and figuratively. Another day.

Peace out

A Tale Of Two Brads

Got to have fun with this post, as it has been way too emotional of a night, and I need to blow off some steam. To be honest, there is a lot of steam to be blown off that I will have to reserve for another venue. After this post, I may just go for a long walk in the dark under the stars. If I could, I would toss a bridle on Buck and hop on and tempt fate.

First of all, I don't like how I felt tonight. Pulled back and tense. Something needs to be said, something needs to come out of my head and heart, I just don't know what. And maybe that is because I am trying to express a feeling or emotion or thought that is just not ready to manifest yet. Yes,that is it! As I write this, it resonates with me. I was so full of this confusion and mental fog, that I could not be fully present tonight. And now that these words are out, I feel better. Another quick thought that needs to be expressed. I cannot bear to be let down, betrayed, patronized. Be honest with me, don't screw with me. Wow, where did that come from?

There are two awesome Brads in my life. One Brad is also known as "The BMK". He is fun and funny ( you FB stalker you )  and I have begun to see a kind and caring side of him concerning some questions I have had about my life. It is great to get a man's point of view about certain things, and in his ultimate coolness, he truly rocks! Thank you for looking out for me. I appreciate your advice and support, and I hope you are right, but, even though I should remain positive, I don't have that much confidence.But you guys really made me laugh about it the last couple of days. It has been so much fun and I really would like those good feelings to keep coming. Actually looking forward to the future and having fun with it. Do you know how much that means to me?  Shit, I am awesome, and I can do anything I set my mind to. And now I find myself needing a man's advice. Ha, ha, ha. Silly girl. Seriously BMK, I could not have asked for a better place to work and people to work for and with. You are the awesome one! Thank you thank you thank you for bringing fun and excitement back into my days.  And we will have to keep Candice from taking her pregnant self and kicking butt :) Or, maybe, she won't have to after all. But I will need your advice for that.


The next awesome Brad is my guru , who shall, for the sake of this post, be know as "The Grissom". Now what can I say about him? Well, he has made a world of difference in my life. I still don't know what to title him as formally. Therapist, life coach, friend.  I have so many wonderful things to say
about this guy.  I have never known another person ( aside from Chip ) as wise, kind, loving, caring, compassionate. He has reached out to me and welcomed me into his world and his radio community at Inner Guide Empowerment. Thinking back the last 6 months, it is inconceivable to imagine where I would be had we not met. Brad has shared every moment of my growth and awakening. He has encouraged me, supported me, pushed me to grow and thrive. Though I was already experiencing this wonderful new connection to Spirit before we started working together, I did not understand it or how to foster it. With Brad, I am learning skills, techniques, and tools to utilize on my journey. Oh, and there is so much more to learn. I hope that you will continue to be my guide, as I know that this adventure is just going to get better and more exciting as we go. Truly, where would I be right now? I would not have taken the steps that I have, had the courage to push past my comfort zone, had faith in the universe and allowed myself to partake in all of it's wonders and blessings. You encouraged me to go for that job, which has opened up a whole new world for me. And your helping me to connect with Spirit and to deepen that connection with Chip means the world to me.  I truly believe that we were meant to cross paths. Yes, Chip is paving the way. And I am forever grateful for the blessing of you, my friend. I hope you do not mind if I consider you a soul friend.

 And I have to find someone to help with the hay. Aughhhhhhh. I hope you are right about that one too, and Chip has got Dave in the works.

So there you have it. The two Brads. Two awesome people that I have the honor of knowing and calling friend.

And it is very late now and I really need to get to bed as I have to go to work tomorrow and actually work, BMK,  and also the slave driver Grissom has given me much homework to complete.

Thank you to you both, and all of my beloved friends who love, support and walk with me on this journey.

Namaste

Where Did The Day Go?

Second post of the day. Sitting on the back patio, the sun is starting to go down but the sky is still blue and the birds are singing their evening song. What on earth did I do all day? I spent some time on facebook, and read a little, and I worked on a letter that I needed to write. And I napped a little. Well, not really nap, just daydream.

It is really beautiful out here right now. Missing having someone sitting next to me. Now the sky is turning pink. Although I have thoroughly enjoyed this lazy day, it has been a little lonely. Really, yesterday was such a fun day. So many reasons. One of those days that I hope to remember forever and also hope that the same wonderful things happen often. I really felt like a kid.  And some people said and did some things that really made me feel special. Ah, the things I want to say, just don't seem to want to come out just now. Don't push it.

Think it is time to call a contractor and look into getting the bathrooms done. I have the shower in the master bath half torn out and part of the tiles in the other bath pulled. Now, should I just get one big bath put in, or keep it at a master and a guest bath? Need some ideas.

Gina called me last night. I am so glad she got back in touch. I have really missed her and after our nice long chat last night we learned  how much we have in common. She even went to the psychic fair. It is great to know that I have friends out there. People who care. Hope they all know how much I care about them.
And nothing else wants to come. Just a lot of "I" this and "I" that. And really, my goal is to use this blog as more than just a personal account and recording of feelings and memories. My hope is that it becomes a source of inspiration and comfort to people. But for tonight, nothing inspirational wants to come.

Well, now it is completely dark and there is lightening flashing across the sky. This breeze is so wonderful. I think I will just close this post and sit and watch the storm come in.

Reflections In The Mirror

Took a long walk and just got back. It is overcast and drizzly on Guinea Run Farm, and the cows and horses are in the woods laying around and having a peaceful, lazy day. Sounds like a wonderful idea.
The fields smell of the sweet honey locust blossoms, clover and alfalfa. The hay and pasture is almost shoulder height. The timothy is out of the boot and ready to be cut. But today is a day of rest for all.Too wet to bush hog, or garden, perfect day for reflection.

Was looking at Zoe's little heifer. She is so different from all the others. A real throw back to the old days, when we had pure bred Simmental. She reminds me of the old times, the old girls. Reddish beige and white with white face, long legs and horns. Horns! Its been 15 years since we had horns. Joe, you crazy bull. And I can't help but think that Chip had something to do with this. He sent her. To remind me. Of the old days. The beginning.

 

And I am reminded that I miss him so much. And then- I know. I am told. We agreed to this. Long ago, long before. Lovingly we agreed. He would be here, teach me, love and protect me. Then he would need to go. To allow me to have an adventure of my own. To find myself. He knew. Looking back all those years, he knew. Whether it was consciously or not, he was aware of this. He remembered. And after all, in the eyes of eternity, this is but a flash. But still, still I wish that we could go back, change things up. Give us another 20 or 30 years, I'll hold off on my own growth, just give us back that time. And then I am reminded that he is still here. He is still guiding me. Cheering me on. And always will be. And the sense of peace returns.

 

 

Sometimes I still feel small and scared. Like a young child with a bicycle. The training wheels are now off and she sits on the seat, held balanced by a loving father. Heart racing, she is both fearful and excited. They begin to move forward, she grips the handlebars and grits her teeth. Don't let go, don't let me fall. "I'm here. I'll always be here. I won't let you fall." She picks up speed, pedalling furiously, the wind whipping across her face, lost in the freedom. Then, the realization hits. She is doing this. A glance back shows her father standing in the driveway, huge smile on his face, waving her on encouragingly. And so she rides. And rides. She feels the joy. She feels the love, the protection, the encouragement. He is still there. Go and have this adventure, it's ok. It's your turn. And as she rides, she becomes confident, and she understands.There is so much to explore.  And then, when her ride is finished, she will turn the bike back and pedal home. Into his waiting, outstretched arms.