The Remains, Dont Stop Believing, And Destiny

Should have posted this a few days ago, but just getting around to it. Really, just another memory journal for me. Went to see The Remains at Memories Supper Club on Saturday and it was great fun. Anyone who reads this blog knows the importance of The Remains in my life, as their concerts seem to mark really memorable events for me. So we listened. And we danced. And on the break, I asked Pete if they were going to play Don't Stop Believing. He said they would for me. So after a bit, he called out to the crowd, " Is Cindy still here? "  So I raised my hands and woo-hoo'd and they played my song. And we got up and danced again, and I danced my heart out. It felt like they were playing just for me, and I looked right into Pete's eyes and sang along with him, and I knew that he understood that this was a special song for me. So even more memories were formed that night. I feel an almost sadness thinking about Blue Ash and The Remains and the past two years. So much happiness came from those nights, yet some pain too. How things change. But, really, lots of great memories and lessons learned. And potential futures, too. Be patient. Allow and welcome.

Love You Guys!

What Is So Freaking Hard About This, Or, AUGHHHHHHHHHH

Ack! WTF!  Why why why cant I make up my mind? Why am I so torn? Really, I need to just turn my back and walk away from this situation. Just forget about it for a little while. Rest. Relax. Rejuvenate. It will all be there when I decide to return to reality, and what is meant to be will be. God, I so want to just run away to Florida and never look back. But there are properties to be sold, as well as equipment and animals and dreams. Dreams. Lost and found, then lost again. But not nightmares, no, not that. Still dreams, still good, even along with the pain. Still all the good memories. Memories of those wonderful moments in spacetime. Why can't I just forget? Others can. Just forget and walk away and move on. But there is more to it than that. Those dreams wont let go of my heart. Not these dreams. And I know the difference, because there are so many that I have walked away from. Never to be thought of again. So I know that there is a reason that they have this hold on me. They are meant to be a part of my life. If not, they would dissolve, just like other dreams long cast aside and forgotten. No these dreams are meant to be awakened. Just like the horses. From the beginning of my memory, I have always loved horses. They always have and always will be a part of me. So is this dream. These dreams. To write. To help. To serve. To heal. To love. To live a life of adventure. All of them, calling me at the same time. Each one demanding my attention. Remember what I have said in the early posts- I have the rest of my life. Things will happen when they are meant to, not a moment sooner. And again, as I mentioned, maybe I needed to be introduced to some ideas, experience some things just to know that they are out there. They aren't just yet ready for me, but they will be soon, and then I will be ready for them. They won't let go of my heart, because they are not meant to.

Walk softly. Those words just popped into my head. Not sure what they mean, but I am sure that I will become aware of their significance soon. Walk softly, in beauty. Ok, I know what it is telling me. Start living in Grace. Allow. Be. Force and strength and might will not win this prize. I can be as soft as the yearling doe. This will be difficult for me because I have come to have the need to close off my heart like a steel vault. AAAAAHHHH. That is the battle. The fight is between my psyche and my soul. One calling out to my destiny, the other pushing away in fear of being hurt. THAT'S why I can't make up my mind. Fear. And the opposite of fear is LOVE. The two cannot exist in tandem. One or the other, Cin. Which shall it be?

Walk softly, walk with courage. Courage to overcome the fear. Remember, I am an infinite, powerful awesome spirit. Nothing can hurt me, unless I allow the illusion that it can. Be brave, dear one. Swallow the fear and step boldly in the direction of  your dreams. Walk through that fire. On the other side is your paradise.

So many dreams. So many choices. But all of them will lead me to home. To my destiny. Whether I sell and move, or stay here, write that book, hone my skills, give my lectures, train my horses, walk on fire, find my true love and second soul mate, all things will take me just where I need to be. To the right place in the right time.

Listening to A Thousand Years. That song always gets me too. And somehow, I know. I awoke one morning last week with that song in my head and some ideas ( remnants from a lucid dream ) in my heart. A sign. Don't be afraid. I instantly knew it was a sign.  As painful as it sometimes is, I am in awe of and loving this dance of our souls, all of us, in this lifetime. We are all connected. We are all one. We each have our purpose together. I honor each and every one of you that walks alongside me.

Now I intend to make up my mind and go on that adventure!!!!   Ride with me.

Aha! Got It.

Been thinking about this one lately. Actually had this down to post last week, but haven't taken the time to really think into it. Now it is ready to be said. Another cryptic one, meant just for me as a reminder.

Remember, remember. Intuition is our friend. It is our security system. How many times have you gotten that feeling that something just wasn't quite right? Did you heed that warning? Did you ignore it? What were the results? And did you even realize what was going on?

Right now mine is confusing me. On one hand it is telling me "NOT-RIGHT", but also my inner guide is whispering ( or my soul is telling me) that it shall be so. Is that part just wishful thinking? Because I think it is what I really want? Therein lies the confusion. I go back and forth between not wanting to do it, for all those reasons, and really wanting it because it is speaking to my soul, loudly.  Either way, the best is yet to be, whether it goes the way I have wished for, or in another direction. So, again, the thing to do is have patience and faith. I am wondering if the "NOT-RIGHT" warning is saying "not right now", but perhaps will be a large neon sign flashing "OK-RIGHT" in the future. So my reticence at this moment could be true for the time. And in time, things could be the right time for this dream. When all the details fall into place and everything is ready, everyone is ready, the Universe will conspire to make this come true, and it will be the most wonderful and awesome thing to ever happen to us.

Yes, this idea feels most comfortable to me. It explains why I have both the attraction and the repulsion to this situation. Why my intuition continues to remind me of the notrightness of it, and my soul continues to offer me hope and inspiration about it. The situation was introduced to me, to get me thinking in that direction, readying myself for the wonderful adventure yet to come, testing me with lessons needing learned before the time actually is right for this. And it is important that I remember that I must not push, or be impatient. I must allow. The Universe has my back. If I am correct in my hypothesis, then all the pieces of this puzzle will come together and fit perfectly and the resulting picture will be absolutely beautiful. All the chapters of the book will come together to form the perfect story, joyful throughout, with the happiest of endings.

I trust that, whatever, whoever, whenever, the most wonderful, exciting, loving part of my life is beginning. Thanks and gratitude to the universe and God!

Cant Get Enough

Stream of consciousness, a second post directly after the first today. Don't know why, exactly. Like I said, I am nervous, vibrating with energy. Anticipation. Zowie. Am I going to win the lottery?

The air is cool beneath the canopy as the early evening sunlight dapples the ground through the cover of the leaves on the trees. Birdsong. Rustling. The small animals scurrying along the forest floor as we walk the path, traveled so many times before. I feel my companions by my side, even as I cannot see them. Faith. Believe. He appears from the shadows, as if by magic. Powerful, regal. Strong. Grey green eyes, piercing, yet soft, warm, welcoming. Imploring. His heart sings out, connects with mine. Seeking understanding. Acceptance. Love. He steps out of the trees, slowly, nervously, testing. Approaches me. I hold out my hand, accepting, welcoming. Although I , too, am fearful, I relax. My heart assuring me. "You are safe", I whisper. "You are safe here with me. I will never hurt you." His eyes tell me he is afraid, yet he wants to be with me, to protect me. He senses the goodness within me, as I sense the same in him. He starts, ready to bolt. Then catches himself. Fear abating for the moment. I reach out, run my fingers tenderly through his soft, short grey hair, tickling his ears. He sighs, tender touch long since forgotten, until now.

As the sun makes its way to the horizon, we turn as one and walk silently together. The leaves, fallen, covering the forest floor, crunch beneath our feet as we stroll. We stop at the buckeye tree, searching for the spiny pods . There! We begin to find them, breaking them open to reveal the silky smooth nuts within. I fill my pockets with our treasures. He steps to me, leans against me lightly, the touch of his shoulder against me fills me with serene delight. We have come to trust one another. Fear cast aside, we remember. We realize that we have found each other again. Souls speak, a language long forgotten since beginning this physical adventure of life. Our paths have led us back to each other. Rejoicing in the moment of reconnection, our hearts entwine. We. His warm breath tickles my ear as I wrap my arms around his broad neck and nuzzle his cheek. "Stay this time, don't run, don't be afraid, " I sigh into his ear, " you deserve peace, love, happiness, security. No one will ever harm you here. We will protect one another." Though he has no words, a silent answer flickers in his eyes, my heart hears and understands. The silver cord that has joined our spirits through eternity grows bright and strong. It is our turn. It is our time. We accept, we agree.  Together, we make our way to the clearing, to the path that leads home.

Come On Get Higher

That's not exactly the perfect title for this post, but the one that came to me. The perfect one has no words. I have no words. The shift is upon me. I feel it. I feel you. I am ready. I am willing to relax and allow. Let's do this. I feel new energy coming. Time to let go of the old, to be sent out and recycled, renewed. Blessings to all.

Right now, things are still wonky. Still uncomfortable. Still stressed. But not for long. I feel the good, positive energy headed my way. Peace. Finally. I have felt you close for days now, a sure sign that I am once again on the right path. For where you are, I know I'm home. The energy of the people around me, those I am closest to, is increasingly positive. It is time for peace and love and beauty. Inspiration strikes again. ( words want to be spoken here, but are reluctant, elusive. I want to mention you and the inspiration you gave me and how now it is back, that feeling, that energy. But the words are telling me that we are not ready to share them just yet. Perhaps... perhaps? )

This post is cryptic. Probably makes no sense to anyone outside looking in. Will it even make sense to me in a year? But I am realizing that I am learning. I am growing and changing these last couple of weeks. Looking back at the posts, I see that. See the fear and confusion lifting. And that is what this is all about. Being raw. Sharing my deepest feelings, in hopes that not only I heal, but that others find healing and inspiration in my words and experiences. This is one of those days where I would love to spend the entire day in quiet contemplation and reflection. But it is a busy day today and I have much to do. Much living to do today. Weekdays are good for contemplative thinking, when everyone is working and the world is quiet. Today is a day for doing.

Hmmm. Elusive words again. They want to be coy. All right then. This is going to be one of those personal posts. Just for me. Remember Cin. Remember the feeling. The light, uplifting feeling of anticipation. The new energy is coming. It is going to be awesome. Open your heart and allow it in. I feel a story coming. A love story. Epic. Beautiful. My book, my life. Come on.

Magical Anticipation

Blue sky, hawk circling overhead. The last of the summer's crickets and locusts singing songs of love. Sunshine, casting shadows along the tree line, cool and lazy, restful. Wind, rustling the leaves of the Osage orange, heavily laden with fruit, bowing toward me as I pass 'neath its branches.

I sigh, contented and peaceful, yet restless as well. An enigma. How can one be so unburdened, relaxed and yet so full of yearning? The bees pass from flower to flower, gathering that last bit of pollen for their hives. The birds flit across the freshly mowed lawn, searching for lunch. My blue bird! I see you, A greeting from the Universe, my sign that , indeed, all is well. Thank you.

My heart is full of dreams and anticipation today. I have convinced myself that something wonderful is happening. Today I shall be rewarded. I remind myself , just this very moment, that I create my own reality. And this reality that I am anticipating is a wonderful one. I can see it, taste it, feel it. Can you?

Vibrating with excitement, I feel the energy surrounding me, positive, enchanting. Uplifting. How else can I explain it? To paint a picture of something unseen, yet so tangibly felt? That childlike feeling of Christmas eve, knowing Santa is on his way.

Annie feels it too. She is alert, seeking as well. She probably knows better than I what joys are coming.

For the first in a long time, I feel gratitude.

A Long Walk Into Remembering And Dreams

Took a long walk today. I felt that there were some who walked with me. I know you were there, as well as some other old friends, perhaps? How many memories jumped out at me, as if reaching out in a game of tag? How many emotions flooded my being, as I pondered the past, present and future? All around us, things have changed, are changing. Trees come down in the windy storms of the summer. New paths made by forest creatures, big and small. The lovey log all but sawdust now. And in those changes, new opportunities. New friends. New lessons. Oh, how I want to join you, back home again. A time to rejoice, to rest. To rest in your arms once again. Or at least, in the loving energy of us. But there is  more for me here yet. Thing is, what? Love. Well, of course. That's what this is all about. And helping. Yes. Helping others. All these things are calling out to me again, stronger than ever. Again, I feel the pull of the Universe, guiding me along this path. At this very moment, I feel a little lost. At a crossroads. Not in a scared kind of way. But in a neutral way. Which way shall I go? I need a push, a little help, please. A little insight. Hold my hand? I want to choose the path toward the greatest good. And I am hoping that this path will also include my second soul mate, come to walk beside me. To work with me. We have much to do. The three of us, actually. You from the other side of things and us from here. I promise not to sway from my path, even when we find each other. We will strengthen one another. He, who will give me the strength and inspiration to see the bright future ahead of us and inspire me to move forward in my calling to help others. I, who will love and support him and show him what true partners are. He is out there. I am here, waiting.

Walking, I remembered the events of almost exactly a year ago. Staking out the flat spot in the pasture, to see if it would work for a building lot. Oh, the meteor shower and the fireball and the fire pit and fire water. All things I mention from time to time, as they are memories that I shall forever cherish. The few cattle that are left, laying in the woods, beneath the canopy. I remember when that whole area was packed with cows and calves. The quiet calm of them, chewing their cud. I remember just a month ago. How happy I was! The Blue Ash concert that I had so looked forward to. And a wonderful, unforgettable night it was. Dreaming of many more nights like that. So many things have happened in the last two months. I know that I already mentioned that in a recent post, but my fingers want to type these memories out here too.

I know that all the things I desire will come to me in the perfect time. When it is right. When we will most enjoy and appreciate them. This illusion that I have created for myself is making me weary. It is time to create a new one. One where the lessons are now all learned and the path is straight and light. Where love abounds. Joyous. Fun. Happy. Where my book is in full swing. Inspiration through the roof. My skills and abilities are flowing strong and people are benefitting from my work. And of course, him. My second soul mate. He and I, living in complete love and security. One. Always.

Better And Better

Don't stop believing. Again and again that theme comes up in my life. As I sit here and type this, listening to Journey play. And I am transported back to that wonderful night last month at Blue Ash, the Remains concert, the lovely company, the absolute joy that I felt, if only for that one day. As in that previous post, if only I could turn back time and relive that day. All day, over and over again.  Blue Ash and the Remains have been such an important part of my memories for the last two years now. Next year will be the winner. The best. The one where the dream will finally come true.

How I want to be an inspiration for others. To show that we can come through this fire, purified and stronger than ever. To teach by example that life gets so much better as we go along. And yet, through my trials and tribulations, it seems as if I keep falling down, time after time. What kind of example is that? But you know what? I am learning. I am growing. Each and every experience I have becomes part of who I am and who I am to become. This song gives me much to look to. My soul sings and dances to it. It remembers last year, and last month and all the fun and joy and reveling in new love. If we look at the rough times as lessons, building blocks along our path, we will grow and be even more powerful than before.

I revisited the first post in this blog today. It reminded me that this is the story of my journey. And I am the creator of that story. It is now time yet again to create the perfect, happy story for my life. From "once upon a time..." to "happily ever after." Each lesson strengthens me, and each day will bring more joy and love from now on. From now on I will experience only goodness, joy, happiness, prosperity and love. From now on, life just keeps getting better and better.

Understanding

I hope I remember this. I had a realization this morning. And it was such a relief. I felt you there, as well, if it was you, or someone else equally protective of me. And I felt your approval and possibly delight at my realization. I recognized the warning, that Saturday, I felt it and should not have ignored it. I should have known. I should have trusted my own intuition, those feelings do not lie and I can believe in my own abilities and my own protection system. I knew the moment the steel doors came down. I should have closed mine off as well at that moment, to keep from getting hurt. but I still had hope, and not so much confidence in my warning system. And had I listened, the outcome would still have been the same, only with a little less pain. Perhaps I can say that I learned the littlest bit more from the experience since I allowed it to get to me so much more. Lots more feeling and emotion invested in the lesson. Perhaps everything occurred just as it was meant to.

What I learned from this:  I felt as if I was too heartbroken to go on. Like here I had allowed life to enter my heart once again, and had it pulled right out of my chest yet again. Hurt, lost, defeated. Why? What had I done? How could the Universe have sent me this experience, allowed me to feel the life returning, only to pull it all back away again? Well, for one, I was blinded. I saw some issues, some warning signs. Was that the purpose? To show me, since I have very little frame of reference for these things? Now I know that feeling, that warning. I wont ignore it again. I have become stronger for this experience. In a year when I look back at this post, will I even remember what it is about, the pain that it caused, the relief that washed over me when I finally understood and accepted the lesson? Because now, what 3 weeks ago seemed an impossibility, I feel content. I understand. I got my answer. And most importantly, I have peace. I know that this is my path. Even if you only traveled it with me for such a short time, you had a purpose in it. To show me that all that glitters is not gold.

To remind me that I am powerful beyond belief and that I am stronger than I know. That my own spirit is invincible. That I am safe. I am protected. I was looking outside of myself for that. Doubting my own abilities. This was a wake up call to remind me. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, CIN. I had a carrot on a stick dangling before me. The perfect "situation" ( or so it seemed as it was presented to me ) and I took the bait, so to speak. Honestly. Faithfully. Pure of heart. It got me hurt, but not for the reasons it could have. I did nothing wrong. I should be flattered. You know what, I think I am flattered.

At this moment, I feel that it is not yet quite complete. Our paths may yet cross again. I still feel that energy out there. But my lesson is to hold fast to this realization. Perhaps a bit more closure coming my way? We will see. This post will be the landmark of the experience. I will use it to track if any further energy associated with it comes my way. But most important is that I do feel a sense of peace and closure with my realization. My understanding. 1. it was a lesson in trusting my intuition. 2. it was a lesson that I am strong. 3. it is a lesson that when good things go away, better things will come. ( this is where faith and patience come in ) . Allow that feeling to permeate my being. Know it, trust it. It is my support system protecting me, guiding me.

Thank you for the lesson, as hard as it was. Thank you for caring so much about me, I am flattered and honored and I return the emotions. Thank you for walking my path with me. I feel the shift. I have entered a new phase in my journey. Scars taking the place of open wounds. Reminders, of lessons learned, pain and joy. The promise of a bright, new life ahead.  Relief. Strength. I am strong. I am protected. I am loved.  I understand.

If I Could Turn Back Time

If I could turn back time, would I? And if so, how far? Would I go back to before the cancer, to save my beloved? Hell yes I would. But what would my life path be then? I know that he and I agreed to this long before incarnating in the physical, so I would be altering both our paths, changing the lessons needing learned. In so many ways, that would be selfish of me. Though I would still do it without hesitation. But imagine that I could, still, but only these last 2 years. Would I then? Maybe. Again, lessons needing learned on this particular path I have chosen to travel. My companions and I have also agreed to this. My question is, is there a happy ending? Do I find my prince? My second soul mate. Do I become someone's everything? Certainly I would love to go back and relive the last 2 months again. Some of the best days of my life. And I would not change much. I would savor the moments, commit them all to my memory banks, cemented even more so than before. Perhaps try to alter a few details. Maybe that would have made the outcome a little better for us all. To relive over and over the wonderful night of the Blue Ash concert. To revisit the Brew Ha Ha and the walk across the bridge, the wonderful dinner, and then the next week the adventure to Bobby Mackey's and the mechanical bull, the second walk across the bridge, the lock, locking hearts on the fence above the water. How much fun. I must have faith that there will be many many more moments like these, and even better ones to come. Friends made and then lost, regained again. Romances rekindled. Concerts and festivals and Kings Island all relived. Dancing, the margarita incident with Bonnie and Dave, bon fires. What a wonderful summer. And all in the last 2 months. So yes, yes I would turn back that time, if only to reexamine and enjoy those moments again, to glean that smallest bit more of experience from them. If I could change them, make them better, then so be it. A second chance. But you know, maybe the second chance will come, even without altering time and space.

The Red Stag

He enchanted us with his magnificence, the beauty of his movement. Majestic, regal. We held our breath, silent, awestruck as he passed within feet of our shelter. Ears perked, he turned, looked directly at us, steam blowing from his nostrils.

I felt you stir, nearly imperceptively. Sensed your fingers tensing on the rifle, your heart beat quicken, felt the heat from the slow breath you exhaled, tickling the short hairs behind my ear. Something stirred inside me. I dared to look up, to peek at your face, full of eager concentration. You looked down at me, eyes softening, a small smile slowly crept across your lips. A thought passed between us, unspoken, yet fully understood by both. You reached for me, weapon forgotten, pulling me close, the warmth of your breath mingled with mine, tender embrace coupled with soft kisses come harder. The world washes away as we know only each other, alone together in our forest paradise, dusk becoming night, starshine sparkling in our eyes.

As we rejoice in the closeness of us, the red stag shakes his head slowly in gratitude, and ambles off into the trees.

Random Musings Of A Confused Mind

That is a scary name for a post, now isn't it? Well, I guess it was well earned because I certainly have been confused lately. Last time I was feeling this way I was reminded that it was because a shift was coming and I was clearing old stuff out to make room for the new stuff and coming into my power. You know what? I think I have cleared plenty of crap, and cried more than my share of tears lately, so its about time to get this party started and get the new and improved me unwrapped.

There is so much I want to cover in this post, but I can already tell that it is not going to come forth. Wanted to speak on grief, and how it has really been kicking my butt lately. Bringing back old issues to grieve on, and also the new issues of the loss of a friendship that I was so dearly loving. And the questions associated with that loss. So new heartbreak. And you said you would never break my heart. I meant it when I said I would never break yours. Seeing the place changing for the seasons has been hard on me. There is so much to do, and I haven't the energy, nor the resources to do it. The farm house needs to come down. That, of course, will be hard for me. And how I would love to have a big broad shoulder to lean on for that. I'm really tired of doing all this on my own. I mean, I have been doing this for two years now by myself, and while Chip was so sick, I did most of it myself too. And I am independent. I am strong. But sometimes you realize that you want someone on your side. It is becoming very apparent that I need to sell this place and run. But do I want to leave all the memories behind? Home is where you are. Chip will follow me wherever I go, I know this. I don't really want to spend another winter here. Florida sounds so nice.

Been babysitting for Courtney and Brad and I just love Griffin and Reagan. These people have been so good to me. I feel like a member of the family, like they really care about me.

Trying to have some adventures as well. You know, the life's too short thing. Rode the bull at Bobby Mackey's on Saturday. That will be another post.  Next up, firewalking. And if I get some help, getting Buck into shape and riding him.

And memories are really pouring in. And signs. Maybe just maybe I am coming into myself again. God its been such a long time and I really need to find my way back. I want to be happy and secure again. This time last year. Remember? God how I wish I could feel those feelings again. I was starting to. Cant we please? I know what I mean, even if no one else does. That joyous, overwhelming high on life feeling, where you can't think of anything else and everything is wonderful? You feel so safe and secure and happy. Like singing and dancing for no reason. Yes, I want that back.

No more tears, Cin. Life is too short. You have to have faith. You have to have patience. If it is meant to be, it will. And will be 100 times better.

Patience

Yes, Cin. You need that. And so you wait. You wait and wonder. You wait and wonder and dream dreams of what could have been, what may yet still be. You made a new friend that said they wrote the book on patience. Take a page from that book. Let it teach you well. But is it fair to have patience in something that may never come? If I knew it were coming, then yes, yes I could have patience. It would be well worth that. And that would be considered faith. Another of my lessons needing learned. Again and again. How many times has my faith been tested? Dreams shattered? Heart broken. All lessons.Damn, I am going to be so smart when I cross the veil. Lets hope some of the rewards come to me now. God, I am a hopeless romantic. Oh, baby, I know you are watching over me right now. You see my "adventures".  I pray you will continue to walk beside me and offer me that big broad shoulder to lean on, strength and encouragement.

I was told by same friend that I have a big heart. Why yes, yes I do. And that heart would never ever deliberately hurt anyone, or break another heart. Why am I so driven to love so much, and to want to help and heal others? If I have a gift, then why is it not coming to fruition? Why are those in my life backing away? The inspiration is fleeing. I feel as if I am chasing a dream. The vision of a life lived well and in love. And yet it still eludes me.

Have faith. And patience. The Universe will send me what I most need, and desire. In the perfect time. REMEMBER if it is meant to be, it will. Patience.

There are so many things I want to do, and see and live, and it just seems like none of them are happening. Where is my second soul mate? Where is my book? Why do I not have the energy to write like I used to? Where is my inspiration?  A new set of lessons, then? To open my eyes and heart? I was so inspired several weeks ago, felt alive and energized, ready to take on the world again. The book was rattling around in my head, tossing out a sentence here, a paragraph there. Was it you who gave me that inspiration? Ah, yes. And there was a lot in that too. My stupid, big heart. As always, I need to relax and allow.

You may understand this post. Maybe it is way too cryptic. I will remember. I will know. It is hard to let go of some things, things that I dreamed were coming true. I was feeling alive and inspired and eager to see each new day and what magical times it held. Actually looking forward to things. I was making new friends, friends that I was coming to care a great deal for. A sweet little girl named Stella, how I miss you. I hope you miss me too. Maybe someday we will play again.

I have so many dreams. There are so many things that I have yet to accomplish. Perhaps there is a camel race to ride in somewhere??  And no doubt, books to write and seminars to give. Will I be able to realize my dreams and become a healer?  I have been in such a state these past few weeks. And that after being so happy and inspired. What a huge disappointment and let down. And so I must center and ground and find myself once again. It is time for the old Cindy to return. I have hurt for far too long, I have grieved for far too long. I want to live. To love. To give my heart and soul to someone who will do the same for me. To write. To heal. To help mankind in any way I can. It is time to relax and allow and be one with the universe once again. It has been such a long time since I have felt Chip close. Felt Spirit near. Felt inspiration knocking at my door. I got myself lost. And I had hoped that I was found again, but, alas, it was but a mirage. Perhaps another time, dear one. But I must concentrate on me and rekindle in myself that fire that brings forth my destiny. I had all but given up. It is now or never. I pray that I will re-connect and start experiencing the wonder and beauty of life once again.

I allow. I allow the Universe to provide me with all that I need to be happy and successful in every area of my life. The right people and circumstances shall find me, at exactly the right time, and we shall be happier than we have ever been before.

My prayer is that you all will too.

Many loving thoughts to you all tonight. All our dreams will come true. Have faith. Have Patience.

Reflections From The Future

Dear Cindy of September 4, 1994,

Here we are, 20 years in the future, September 4, 2014. I'm here to tell you some things. Things that I have learned, that I wish you had known then. Maybe you would have changed things, changed your path in life, but probably, you, my brave, sweet soul, would still forge ahead with faith and confidence, even knowing then what I know now.

You see, there is a lot to come. A lot of pleasure, but a lot of pain too. My dear girl. Cherish and savor these years. You truly are living in innocence right now. You are at your prime. Your career is going strong. You can ( and will ) accomplish many things. You will go beyond your comfort zone and will try many career paths. You will be successful in each one. Well liked and respected. But you will want more, different. You love to learn and do new things. Right now, we are at a standstill. We don't have the strength to decide what it is we want. Our hearts are broken and we are not ready to put ourselves out in the working world. You see, grief is a bitch. Oh, but I am getting a bit ahead of myself here. Lets start at the beginning, with some things that you should know, but in a sort of condensed version. After all, if I tell you the whole story, then what is the joy in discovering it all yourself?

First, kiddo, live. Live your life. Live unafraid. The bad stuff is going to happen and you cant really stop it even if you tried. Its destined and all. But don't let that stop you from receiving the joy that life has to offer, even amidst the pain. Like I said, you are going to have all kinds of experiences. From helping a cow give birth ( many many times over ) to training horses, to living in love with your soul mate, Chip.

 And love. Love with all your heart. No matter what. You are going to discover that you will love many people. Some of them deserve your love, some will not. Or so it will seem to you. Of course, Chip, the greatest love. Our soul mate. We will love and lose this great man to a terrible disease. But don't let that stop you. The love and joy will overcome the pain that we will endure. And he will remain beside us always. You will understand this better when you experience it for yourself. Then Ronnie, your twin flame. He will teach us that we can love again. And feel alive again. There are many lessons to come from this love. Your heart will break. Hang in there. Hang in there. Love is ours. Have faith, dear one. You could choose to alter this course. Run, go another direction, on another path. But in doing so, would you learn those things most needing learned? There are some who will hurt your heart. You will question the need to go on. Your hope dangling by a string. But those who are meant to be in your life, will be. Faith. Patience. These, my dear girl are the lessons you most need to learn. The ability to let go and allow. Love and companionship seem to be a very important focus in our lives at this time. I know from much reflection that this is due to our great loss of the great man, Chip. We feel the need to be whole. Yes, we are whole and complete in and of ourselves. But we also feel the pull of his heart. There are soul mates out there. Meant to walk this path alongside us. Friends, lovers, companions. We just need to be patient and allow this love to come to us and  to build and grow. From broken hearts will come the true love that we have sought for all eternity.

You will be betrayed by friends and family members. But you will come to decide that life is too short to hold grudges. Let them go. They are on their own journey. We assist one another in those lessons. It is a gift from one to the other.

You will have lots of adventures, small ones compared to what most people experience. At least for right now. Perhaps in our future, we will have some big adventures. But for now, we are content. Concerts, festivals, dancing, tattoos, doing lots of things we have never done before.

We have made a few mistakes in the past 2 years. Maybe acted a little hastily on some decisions.  You see, I have figured that life is too short. Too short to deny yourself the things that you really desire. To hold back. To be afraid. ( oh, but believe me. I am terrified ) I have put myself out there. Probably made a fool of myself with some people ( this is personal, so I will let you find that one out for yourself) , but all in the living. We must walk our path. I have met some wonderful people these last two years. I have loved. I have danced. I have cried. Lots. I learned to drink, and to share many drinks and bon fires with my beloveds.  I went to Kings Island and rode every one of the roller coasters and the rides that I was so hesitant to ride before. Yes, even the Drop Tower and the Delirium . I have put aside my shyness and stepped before a crowd and danced my heart out at the Remains concert in Blue Ash, along with some dear friends. I dared to share my true essence with some.  I opened my heart and allowed people in. Some have broken it ( as stated above) while others have become an indelible part. Unforgettable. And even if things are not the same, I do have the memories. Those count for something, even if we still wish that somehow, things could have stayed the same. But maybe that is opening the door for something even better. Dear girl, everything we have experienced has made us who we are today, and those experiences still to be had shall create our future self.

Oh, Cin, there is so much more to tell you. But better you learn for yourself. I guess what I mean to say is that you will be ok. For the most part life will be calm and boring and lovely until Chip passes, and then you will get a little crazy. But I am right here. You are safe. You are well. You can do this. Don't let the pain and fear cause you to close yourself off from these experiences, as each one is orchestrated exactly for you, to help you advance on this journey through this physical life. There are many books to write, many people to help,  there is much life to be lived, and most importantly to us, much love to be shared.  Our future self awaits. And I have a feeling it is going to be one hell of a great time.

Travel well.