Friday, May 31, 2013


Today at work was one of those days that you always want to remember. Reagan and the puppy came and for most of the day, we played together and had a blast. I was still able to contact several clients, get documents signed, letters sent and a continuance filed with the court. AND got to play with a sweet little girl and a puppy. Bailey, the puppy, grabbed my pant leg ( jeans on Friday, baby!) and acted like a big old bear attacking me so I fell to the ground and started to roll around on my back, saying, " oh help! He's got me!!" while the puppy climbed all over me and Reagan really got a kick out of that. Yeah, baby. Didn't I tell you my inner child is having a great time here? Again, it is such a blessing to work at this incredible place.  And that's not all - we got new t-shirts and I got a pullover windbreaker too. And had a fun conversation with CNCK and the BMK, hope you guys are right. I feel like a teenager.

Hopeful that this weekend will be like last weekend was. I still feel that calm, connected, centered stillness. There are a couple of ways I could describe it, the more playful one I guess I will keep to myself. Let's just say it feels like when you feel a sneeze coming on. You know it is coming. It is inevitable. It builds. And builds. Your eyes water. You anticipate. This is going to be a good one. You are right on the edge. And then - Wachoo!! Well, I am right on the edge. I feel spirit whispering in my ear. I am ready. Something really great is about to happen.

Eliot asked me today if I am good at spelling and writing, if I would be able to detect errors in punctuation, etc. Methinks he has some letter writing in my future. Looking forward to working with him, as he is already eager to teach me some of the things he knows. I really believe that we are going to be a great team. Between him and Becky, I am very lucky to have such great people to assist. I keep telling Becky - my goal is to read your mind before you even think it.

Maybe I will work on some writing this weekend. Of course, when the words are ready, they will come. Looking back at some of my posts over the last couple of weeks, you can tell when I was struggling to find words and express ideas, and when they were flowing naturally.  But it does feel as if I am going to experience a breakthrough here. Is that how it happens? After all, I could consider that I am fairly old to be having an awakening. That most people recognize their calling much earlier. But, there is no time limit on this. Maybe things will come even more quickly, as they seem to have been all along these last few months. After all, it took a heartbreaking event in my life to open me to this existence. And my beloved is walking by my side. Things will come in good time, when we are ready. I am open, awake and aware, and ready to take that next step on this path. And again, I am so grateful to have my beloved soul mate and my beloved soul friends along for the ride.

Thursday, May 30, 2013


Was going to skip tonight as it is late and I am weary. Got caught up listening to a radio show and next thing I know, it's bedtime. But I got a nudge and have to mention something that has been on my mind all day. The last several days my mind has been quiet and even though I know there are many things that it wants to communicate, it has chosen to be still and patient, or rather, insist that I be patient. Tonight I feel the gate opening slightly and a little is leaking out. I AM grateful. Grateful for many things. First and foremost, for the love and devotion of my beloved, my soul mate. The veil cannot separate us, and our love for one another. We have much to do here together and I am eager to enter the next step of this journey with you. There is much to learn yet, and though I struggle with my patience, I am willing to work as hard as I need to to learn and grow and evolve. We have a great adventure ahead of us. As we always were in the physical, we are partners still. Side by side. Always.

I am grateful for my friends and family. There are a whole lot more of you now than ever before. I have met so many wonderful people over the last 6 months, that I consider both friend and family. The love and appreciation I feel for you can not be fully expressed with mere words. My soul friends, I am so blessed to share this journey with you. May you all know the highest blessings of the Universe.

Also grateful for the opportunities and experiences that have been bestowed upon me lately. In taking my new job, ( and I consider the people I work for and with in the above friend and family statement) I have been exposed to a whole new world and environment, with people who are kind and fun as well as dedicated and hard working. Today my inner child was glowing , as Reagan and her puppy sat in my lap and watched cartoons on the computer, and we crawled around on the floor, playing with the puppy, and drew flowers and rainbows. And Becky said that Ella wants to come and play with me too, that she thinks I am fun. Do you have any idea how much that means to me?

And, in case you haven't noticed, I have been getting braver. Grateful for that too. It is more than a little frightening to bear your soul to others. But I have mentioned here many times that I am on a journey and I need to be authentic. I am coming out of my cocoon and emerging as a butterfly. Some people may think I am crazy or unbalanced with my ideas. But I know I am not. I have to live my truth. Just because I may be experiencing things that are foreign, unfamiliar, maybe even taboo to others, does not mean that it is not real. Those who truly know me, those who matter will understand. And my hope is to offer insight and healing to others who are having the same experiences as me. My hope is that as I grow and evolve, and step into my power, I can become a source of hope and understanding for people who are grieving, who are seeking their own answers. It is time to serve.

So I think what is happening is that my book is getting ready to emerge, a butterfly itself.  My messy thoughts over the last several weeks ( and my incredible bout of despair and depression ) could be metaphorically compared to the caterpillar going into the chrysalis stage, the chaos. And now the quiet, still, peaceful, grounded, blissful feelings can be thought of as the butterfly developing and emerging from the cocoon. Next step? I spread my wings and take flight. And hopefully, there will be beautiful, healing, comforting and empowering messages flowing from those wings and into written word.

Grateful. So many more reasons. Spirit, God, Source, the Universe, whatever name you choose. Thank you for all.

Love, Peace and Happiness

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Gentle Night

Sitting on the back patio listening to the click of the electric fence and watching the grass in the pasture sway in the breeze. It is hot out there. These are the days where it is so nice to come home, strip down and get a cold shower, then sit in the dark and watch the stars. Oh, how I wish Chip were here physically by my side. But he is here, I feel his love radiating all around me. Still feeling a little off. Not bad, just quiet and contemplative. Words just don't seem to want to come easily these last few days, been more inside of myself. And I need need need to remember that other peoples emotions are not my own. They do not belong to me. When I pick up on someone else's stress I need to not take it personally. Too many stressed out people lately! So I am not going to give it any more thought. Still finding it difficult to find words to express my feelings.I feel the urge to say things, then go blank.  There is a story in here that really wants to come out - just not right this minute. It is churning around up there, though, like I have been saying the last few days, and when the time is right, all of these wonderful thoughts are gonna come pouring out and it will be magnificent. All in good time.

 There is so much to learn, so much to accomplish. But remember, the last few days spirit has been whispering in my ear and guiding me to be still and listen. Impatience will not get me anywhere. I am eager to progress, in every area of my life, but the fun is in the journey. Look at all the great things I am going to learn and do and share along the way. And thank you to my friends who love and support me in this journey. I wish I could express to you how very special you all are. Know that I send love and light to you always.

The only thing that is coming right now is I am being nudged to say "Hang in there, all will be well. Be patient and go with the flow."

That sounds like a good place to be. Now I am going to take my tired mind to bed.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


This weekend was such a good weekend. Really I was a little concerned with it being a long 3 day weekend and the kids being out of town. Figured that I would be bored silly. But that was not the case. And there was such an incredible feeling of peace and contentedness and connectedness. I have been surrounded by love all weekend and all day today as well. And it is such a beautiful sensation. I can feel "things" building. I can feel all the love.  And how lovely it is to be able to just sit back and allow and enjoy the show, so to speak. I have had a realization, and that is that I need to be still and quiet. That is how I was this weekend, and things came to me, rather than me chasing after. My tendency is to talk and ask questions over and over, but lately I have been just quietly trying to receive. I acknowledge the feeling, and ask for more insight. That seems to be working. So difficult to explain the emotions, but it feels like a spiritual "maturing". Now, I had a couple of really dark weeks a few weeks back, and don't ever want to have to experience that again. But it is like there was this big build up of negative energy and sadness, and then I was able to release it and finally find relief and peace. And I feel different. Like I said, more mature, more grounded. Like maybe I was the caterpillar that metamorphosed into the butterfly and is now emerging from the cocoon. And I am only just now unfolding my wings. Yes, that describes the feeling. The building. Like I am preparing to try my wings for the first time. And things will only continue to improve from here. So looking forward to the adventures that await.

Wow, my head is racing and there is so much I want to express, but my brain wants to rest tonight and be still. I was like that at work today too. Maybe because I did not get much sleep last night. The important thing is I was able to get out my feelings of peace and contentment. See, if I put those feelings into words, then it is easier to recapture them later. Since I am an empath, feelings are what rules. Yeah, I was really feeling quiet tonight.

One thing to say. Josh called to say that he cannot come up with the financing for the farm in Indiana. So now I think I will list it. Sure, I could do it myself, but then I would be required to draw up a contract and also worry about having the deed recorded and dealing with buyers and showing the property. Nah, it is worth a comission to have someone else do the work this time. I dealt with the easement contracts and all the other legal work a few months ago and if Josh was going to buy it I was willing to draw up documents, but really don't want to do all that extra work now. But this is the correct path, there is a reason. The person who is meant to buy the farm will. All in it's own time.

So I really like these feelings. Calm, content, relaxed, open. Receptive. Spirit is whispering lovingly in my ear and my heart feels warmer, stronger. Like I may be about to receive instructions and assistance to embark on the next step of my journey. Take my hand, walk with me. It's gonna be the ride of our lives.

Monday, May 27, 2013


Love it when you get an inspiration and you have to get it out in writing. So much I want to express, but the words just aren't quite right at the moment, or more precisely, the time is not right for the words. The more I think about certain things, the more convinced I am that they are, in fact, possible. And that gives me hope. Had a conversation tonight that helped put some things in perspective for me. ( Huh! Wasn't that a theme a couple of days ago?) Remember when I said that I don't understand when people come up to me and say that I am so strong, with all that I have gone through, when I feel like I am falling apart into a million pieces? Well, maybe I am strong. When you look at it. No wonder I am so freaking awesome! Something I never questioned was my ability to hold it together while Chip was sick. I needed to be strong for him, to show faith and hope.I really never gave myself permission to fall apart then because he needed me. He was ALWAYS there for me, always. That was the least I could do for him. Why am I mentioning this right now? Because I was inspired to. Someone is whispering in my head, telling me this is what to type. And I love it. And funny, but today I journaled something about this as well. And I am very grateful to have an outlet to get these feelings freed. So I may not have been as dedicated to my homework as I should be and have been in the past with past assignments, but I have been doing a lot of other creative work, so that has to count for something, right? But the time is right now to get down to the tough stuff and work on that nasty little wound of mine. I am not going to go into it but from some peoples perspective, my life could be considered pretty tragic. But it is not what happens to you, it is what you do with it, what you learn from it, what you take away from the experience. And if you allow it to strengthen you, make you a better, kinder, more compassionate and loving person, then you have won. I just realized that there is a statement in that letter that my mom and sister wrote that haunts me still. I will need to get that cleared. I know that I am rambling, but this is just coming to me as I type. One of those times. It may not make much sense.  Thank you my friend for the great insights tonight. There are a couple of things that I would love to accomplish, and I think that they are possible. Patience. My heart is true. And you are correct, I would not have believed 6 months ago that my life would be as it is now. And things are just going to keep getting better. For all of us.

Much Love!

Why I Blog

This came to me this morning at around 3:00 a.m., waking me out of a dead sound sleep. "This is what you need to write about!", it insisted. "ok, but it is three o'clock in the morning, can I do it when I get up?" I replied, half zoned out. "Sure!!"  So then I began to drift off again, the last thought I remember being, "I hope I remember this when I wake up". Around 5:00, I wake with a start - "why I blog!"  I blurt out. The dog grumbles and rolls over, and I feel a bit sheepish and do the same.

So , yeah. blogging is such a great form of therapy for me. And more importantly, it preserves my story, my memories. This has become very dear to me, as I have gone back to visit an old blog of mine, and re-discovered many memories that I had all but forgotten. Little things that at the time did not seem very relevant but I recorded them anyway, and now, looking back, I am gifted with the wonderful blessing of remembering. Little things that Chip and I did together, or said. This is a priceless gift, one that can be visited again and again. Like the beautiful, touching and funny cards that Chip would give to me. To touch the paper that he touched, to run my fingers along his oh so familiar handwriting.

And though I know that others may read this blog, and some of the things I include are for specific person's benefit sometimes, I really am trying to be true to myself. Yeah, I know I have mentioned this several times before, but I am being nudged to say it again - I know that I am not anonymous here any more, and that is ok, because I trust that the people who read this and know me, know me well enough to not judge me. These are words from my heart, and sometimes from my higher self. Sometimes I am playful, sometimes serious. I have shared some of my darkest feelings here. And some of my greatest triumphs. And that gets pretty personal. There are just a couple of people that I really feel comfortable baring my soul to, and fortunately, there are other ways to share some of the most personal stuff with them. But I dutifully record in truth the things that I am compelled to, even when I fear that I may be giving too much information. Who knows, if something I say may help another person, then that is a job well done. And I really do enjoy getting feedback.

The little boys across the street have endeared themselves to me and me to them. They came over looking for some work and I just could not turn down those soulful little eyes. So I handed them some rakes and had them rake up all of the bush and grass clippings from the yard. And now I have two new friends. I wonder if one of the reasons I identify with children so much is because of my inner 6 year old. She never got a lot of opportunity to be a child, so now she is starved for that kind of interaction. Do children see the 6 year old in me and is that why they are drawn to me? They do not seem to view me as an adult authority figure, but more as an older sister, or a peer. They seem comfortable with me, curious to learn what I know. Or is it just because my lifestyle is so interesting? These kids were asking me all kinds of questions about the horses and cows and bull and how things work and I showed them that you can eat the lemon balm and pineapple mint that grows wild in the back yard, and even brought Buck out into the back yard so they could pet him and see him up close. And it was so enjoyable. Just like playing with Ella and Reagan at work. The child in me gets right down there and plays with these kids. There is such a bliss in being free to express your joy in life. And it really warms my heart and soul that I can show these kids things. When I brought the horse over, their eyes got so big and they got so excited to actually get to touch a real horse. I remember how I felt the first time I got to do that, and one of my true joys in life has been sharing that experience with other children. It has been many years since I have done this and I welcome it again. I remember Shane and Shawna, who in the summer would beg their mom to drop them off for the afternoon with me so we could ride Rusty and Shadow and clean the barn and put up fence. Those kids were real workers, and I did not mind one bit watching them all day. Again, they were like little friends, not kids I was baby sitting. Maybe this can be healing to my inner child, now that I am getting to know her better and trying to nurture and love her.

Just had a nudge, Brad, you should like this - I need to learn to nurture and love myself. In doing so I can give more of myself to others.If I am going to do something awsome for mankind then I need to be fully charged and energized, so that my light can shine, illuminating the path for others.

Love to all who are sharing this journey.

Sunday, May 26, 2013


Just came back from a long walk. The place seemed different today. Maybe it is because there is so much grass out there, even in the woods beneath all the trees, where normally there is not so much. But I have walked this place for more than 20 years, and know every rock and tree and hole. And yet, things were different. Am I seeing more? Noticing things that were previously as yet unnoticed? Not just the sight, but the feel of the place. More. How can one explain something that is indescribable? A shift. A peace. Love. Serenity. It is unfolding. I wish I could tell you. I want to share this. Everyone should feel this way. Like being held in the arms of your beloved and hearing them whisper all the love in the universe into your heart.

I have journaled a bit this morning, things that I can't put on this blog. Questions, observations. Feelings.

Walking through the forest, bittersweet memories. Chip and me hand in hand, stepping over tree trunks, picking up branches, grabbing up a handful of timothy to see how far into the boot it is. How I wish he were here physically. To feel the touch of his skin against mine. Hear his voice. See his smile. But he is here. I feel his love surrounding me. Even more so now that there is no physical separating the energy. I know he loved me. And now I know even more so how very much he still does.

How many times have I expressed my gratitude to my new friends for accompanying me on this journey? Can never be said enough. I really don't know what I have done to deserve so much love and support, but it is truly appreciated and recriprocated.And as I develop and grow, I intend to share all of the blessings bestowed upon me with all beings.

Have a headache. Must be from all of the pollen and seed that is out there. Time for a bit of lunch and aspirin and maybe when my head clears I will have more to experience and say. Been feeling a lot of positive energy coming my way this weekend and it really feels great. Hmm, maybe even a nap is in order. And I think a pizza for tonight.

Saturday, May 25, 2013


Got a lot done today - and that after sleeping in until after 10:00 too! The house is clean, lawn is mowed completely, and I am getting ready to have a quick meal and relax and hang with my beloved. The little boys across the street are bugging me to hire them to help out around the house, so I told them that they can come back tomorrow and I will have them weed eat and rake up the grass.

Spirit has been very close today. I love this feeling. So good to know that I am loved.

Yesterday at work, the BMK showed me some Dane Cook videos and we were laughing so hard that I started crying and then I snorted and that made me laugh and cry even more. And then Becky was singing me this song and that had me laughing so hard I was on my knees doubled over. I haven't laughed like that in a while and it was great. The only thing that could make that job better is if my bestie Beth worked there too. And they brought their daughter and their new puppy back to show us and oh my gosh, baby puppy breath! And I got 10 street cred points, so now I am not in the negative any more. At zero, but that beats negative.

And now, my friends, I have the rest of the weekend to relax and do some journaling. The calf is in the barn bedded down for the night, lots of fresh hay and grain and he seems content. Need to get the other calves in there so he can have some company and that little orphan can get some TLC. Annie got into a fight with a ground hog last night and it was hard to get them separated. I thought for sure it was gonna kick her butt, but she got the best of it. And no blood was shed, thank goodness. Then the thing went after me. They can be mean suckers.

Today is a lot cooler and more overcast than it should be for this time of year, but at least it was nice to do yard work in. Hope it won't be too cold to sit on the patio in the dark tonight. That is when I can relax and try to connect. But I have been surrounded by loving energy all day today, and it makes me feel on top of the world. And thank you, my friend for your caring conversation last night, letting me know that I have friends that love and support me. I am looking forward to a lot of fun and adventure.
Someone is really looking out for me. And it is difficult to put into words what that means to me.

And now, hard as I try, I am not able to come up with anything to say. Someone is trying to get my attention and I am being directed to wrap this up and go outside. Maybe something magical will happen.  Gotta follow my heart.

Thank you again my friend, for reminding me of who I am.


Friday, May 24, 2013


This was going to be last nights topic but I changed it up a little. Was talking to someone at work who is kind of like me and we were discussing perspective. Some people have minor set backs and think their lives are over. Others have many tragedies in their lives and still keep on going. Really, what choice do we have? But it is all in the way that you look at the events of your lives that determines how you will get through and, more importantly, who you will become. Shitty things happen to good people. And I used to believe in karma in the sense that, if awful things happen to you you must have done something to deserve it. Now I understand that there is still the universal law of karma, yes, but that most every challenge that we are faced with in life, is a lesson of our own making. To me, that is a comforting thought. It makes sense to me. Maybe not to you, but I am ok with that. We always have free will, and we also have the safety mechanism of our intuition to keep us safe and on track. But I believe that we have mapped out a path for ourselves, one that will assist us in achieving the greatest amount of growth in this lifetime. We have come together with soul mates and soul companions, planning and plotting out a life of fun and adventure. As loving spirit, we can understand that this is all just a game, and that the more we challenge ourselves, the higher our "score". To me, that explains why some people lead magical, easy lives, and others seem to get the shit kicked out of them on a regular basis. An easy life may not equate to true happiness. The goal is to awaken and remember. To find our true selves. The things I have experienced these last two years have been the hardest, darkest times of my life, yet I sense that they have also afforded me the most growth and the potential for much more advancement. I have always believed. But now I know. I am experiencing things and meeting people that I have only ever previously fantasized about. There is a lesson in every thing we experience, every person we meet, if we will only look at it for what it is. I choose to move forward with eyes and heart open and try to live my life in love and kindness. These last six months, I have met some amazing people and have gotten some amazing opportunities. There are people that I have never met in person, but love like brothers and sisters. The people at my new job have opened their hearts to me and I intend to prove to them that I am worthy of their trust.  I am receiving some amazing insights, experiencing things that are inexplicable. Do I wish my soul mate were still here in the physical by my side? Yes, of course! And there are days that I would give my own life just to have another moment by his side. But we had an agreement, and this is what we decided we were going to do this time around. My perspective is still skewed a little yet. I have not fully awakened to see the whole picture. But I do know that God has some very special task for me.
And He has placed some very good friends in my life to walk this path alongside.My hope is that I will be able to help others, to heal and comfort, to serve all beings. In time, I shall understand. The fun is in the journey. In watching everything unfold, perfectly, in perfect time.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Priceless. You cannot put a value on true friendship, on love, on kindness. Today I received the gift of all of these. Sometimes I have to wonder what is wrong with me that I doubt myself and my abilities. And then someone will invariably come along and remind me that I am worthy. Sometimes I am so needy, it is laughable.  But I have been feeling so much better lately, and don't want to get knocked on my ass again. Just gonna be open and BE. In every way. Enjoy the ride.

Since I have been feeling better, I have felt on top of the world. Great things have been happening and there is a light, magical feeling. Like last weekend, I felt so loved and supported and elated and joyful. And I want to feel this way always. So when things go to feeling "normal" it gets a little scary, like "oh no, am I losing that great feeling?". What I have to realize is that things will ebb and flow and I need to go with the flow and things will come back around to perfect again. Stop trying to push things. And the same with the signs too. It is so wonderful to receive one, that I go about looking everywhere, when instead, I should just allow and accept and be grateful. Things will come to me when it is right. Just like they always have. This is much easier to understand when coming from a place of peace and groundedness. Just allow.  All the wonderful things that have come to me, have come to me on their own, I was not actively looking for them. Remember this!!

 On stressful days, or any day for that matter, I could come home and Chip would be there for me, arms open for a big hug and loving supportive words to soothe my soul. He is still looking out for me. It is overwhelming, the knowledge that my angel is watching over me. I wish I could feel like I did last weekend all the time. Sassy and full of myself, and like I was really loved and cared about and that I mattered.What is important is to remember that things will come as they are supposed to. Looking back, a perfect example, last week I did not push but just allowed and accepted what came, and it was wonderful. Need to stop trying so hard. Be content. And besides, with Chip by my side, I can be certain that I will always be secure, loved and protected. What more could I ask for?
Huh! Just now got another blessing. Thank you for the phone call my friend. Priceless.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Tonight is one of those nights. Work was satisfying today, kept busy but not overwhelmed, got a really great compliment from one of  my attorneys. It is raining out there and there is a cool breeze coming in the patio along with the scent of rain. Everything feels fresh and clean. The vibration I am picking up is relaxed.

Tonight is date night. I just finished a nice pulled pork barbecue sandwich and sweet potato casserole and Bud Lite. Gonna get a shower and then watch our favorite shows. Laundry is done, bushes trimmed. Just need to mow ( can't tonight - it's raining ) and clean the house. Maybe this weekend I will shampoo the carpets. Nice long weekend coming up, but the kids will be out of town so not sure what I am going to be doing. Last weekend was such a blast, going to the amusement park and spending such a wonderful evening with the kids. Have to find ways to keep myself occupied though.

What is it about a rainy spring day that makes everything feel so wonderful? Looking forward to going out on the patio, plugging in the party lights and watching a little TV. Gonna be good to myself tonight. Ohhh, and there is chocolate brownie cheesecake in the fridge.

Note to self: drink more water!

So really, that's about all I need to say tonight. Have some extra time so I think I will study and work on my homework a little and just be. Things are coming to me. Maybe I will write that book. Maybe I will do those other things that Brad  says I am capable of. They are all things that I really desire, and would be of service to others. Just need to be open and patient. All will come in it's own good time.

Much Love

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


It really amazes me how quickly things can get back on track again. And believe me, I am grateful. It is such a relief to be centered and grounded again. I hope that I never lose my way like that again. Really, I probably needed that as a learning experience, and boy, did I learn. Thankful that I have the loving support from many sources to guide me along the way.

There is so much going on in my head right now but none of it seems to want to come out at the moment. Getting ready for the radio show, so maybe I will just let this rest for a few hours and come back refreshed. Just came in from outside trimming the hedges all along the front of the house in the 80 degree heat and my arms are shaking and it is hard to keep my fingers steady, so that is another indication that I should give it a little rest.

What an interesting show tonight, all about color and the effect it has on us. Really cool. Need to look into this subject more and see if maybe that is one of the reasons I feel out of balance some times.

So this post was going to be about things that amaze me. Another of those things is how great I feel when I sense Chip close by. At those times I feel invincible. And also when people express their affections for me. For some reason it is difficult for me to think that people actually care about me. It is so nice when children are drawn to me. That is because I play with them as a child, rather than an adult. My six year old self can get right down there and use her imagination with the best of them. Life is kind of nice when viewed from a child's perspective. There is that innocence, that ability to believe in oneself. Before society gets hold of you and starts telling you how to think and feel and act. As children we are truly authentic. We do not question our senses. We don't have to see to believe. Life just is. We need to get back to that mindset. We need to just BE.  In finding my inner child, I am gaining all kinds of perspective. There is the healing aspect, that is something I will keep to myself right now, and also the Joy aspect ( though I hate to use that word since it is my mother's name) where everything is an adventure and there is nothing wrong with dancing and singing and being silly and loving whole hearted and fiercely. Yes, I am still a little shy, it is difficult to open myself and be vulnerable to others, but I am working on it.

In addition, I feel encouraged that some of the things that I really want and need are coming to me. Now there are a few that could materalize soon that would be quite helpful : Josh, come up with the funds and purchase the Indiana farm. David, come over here and cut and bale my hay for me, please. A bunch of big strong guys to come over and do a lot of yard work for me. And of course, that I continue to grow and expand my abilities in every area of my life. And that those I love have all of the blessings of the Universe as well.


Monday, May 20, 2013

A Touch Of Class

Funny, but I told Rebecca today that this was going to be the name of my post for tonight, after we had a hilarious conversation about being naive, and her mangling a really crude street slang in a court hearing, having made it oh so funny, and much less vulgar. And then tonight that same theme kind of came up in conversation. Always, always, will say or think about something and then very shortly after, that same thing will be brought up by someone else. But oh, gosh, that was funny. I am now in the negative for my street cred. I think I have -10 points. Damn! Went into the negative because I knew that the Brady Bunch was going to be at King's Island last Sunday. I really must be careful. The street cred commissioners are keeping a careful eye on my behavior, looking for any infraction. If they even think that I am gratuitously seeking points, it will be counted against me. I was conjuring up a F*** today for BMK when he reminded me of that and I couldn't keep a straight face. I guess my cursing will have to be spontaneous in order to earn points. But, I do think that I will get that tattoo. It will be small, and very meaningful. And Brad S. mentioned it tonight as well.

You know, every scar, every line, every tear I have shed tells a story. Each one has meaning and purpose. Each is a memory, and a lesson learned. Some of them are visible still, most I carry inside. No regrets. I was reminded that there are some wounds that I have been holding on to and that it is time to heal them. Perhaps then I will be truly free.  And looking at my hands right now, they are rough and calloused. But they are strong. Chip always said I have strong little hands. When I envision my inner self, I can see all of the healing that has been going on lately. I must be incredibly strong, though at times I feel so weak. But in doing the difficult things, I open the door for growth and expansion. My goal, after all, is to develop into a powerful soul, one who will be able to do great things for mankind and the universe.

After talking to Brad, I went for a long walk. The night is beautiful, even though it is almost 90 degrees out there. Buck walked right over to me and rubbed on me affectionately. That is new. And I was thinking about Dad. Thinking about how I am so glad that I spent those couple of hours with him that last time, after I got home from the dentist. I wanted to check on him, and I had a couple of hours before Chip got home since I left work early. I thought I would just check in and then have some time to myself to just clean up the house or read. But Mom was out shopping and Dad wanted me to stay and talk. And as much as I really wanted to go and have some extra free time, something in my heart said that this may be the last time Dad and I would have. So I stayed. And we talked. And I learned some things about him that I never knew. Never. Not in all my 40 years. And it was because Mom was not there to monitor our conversation, so he spoke freely. I remember that I asked him if he wanted me to do anything specifically for him or his sons or if he had any wishes that he wanted me to carry out for him, regardless of what my mother insisted. He assured me that everything was as he wanted it, so I knew that I could take care of things without any doubts as to what he wanted. He gave me some of his treasured possessions, things he knew that I would love and appreciate - his coin collection, fossil collection and arrow heads. It just seemed as if he felt free to express himself without her there. And I am so grateful for that time, because it was the first and only time that I was ever really with my father alone. We had never been close when I was a child and only in the last couple of years was I able to get as close to him as we did. Now I know that my mother always tried to keep us apart, to pit one against the other so that she had each of us on her side and neither against her. Oh, the cruel, screwed up, twisted, reality of that. And that really was the last time that we had. And because of that, I can have lightness of heart and conscience, because we had a wonderful time. I have no regrets. We made our peace that day, and I carry that in my heart.

Well, I did all of that above to help open the door to some more work I need to do, and I did a good job of it if I do say so. Everything I just wrote came freely, without any editing or censoring. My heart said what it needed to say.  The rest of it will be private, but the above needed to be shared.

It is so good to feel loved and supported. I have to mention this again, even though I know I have said it many times. This journey is exciting and wonderous, but also frightening and lonely. It is difficult when you have all of these thoughts and sensations, and no one to discuss them with. I am so grateful for this community, who has opened their arms to me and accepted me. I will make you proud.  I want you to know how much you all mean to me, and to thank you for coming along for the ride.


Sunday, May 19, 2013


What a wonderful weekend this has been. And now I am sitting in a towel fresh from a nice cool shower after a nice walk on the place. The place is beginning to feel familiar again and the memories are coming back. Bitter sweet, I guess, but they are all good, nonetheless. Need to be mindful to not just remember, but to feel. To feel the sensations of those memories, to go back there and be in the moment. The honeysuckles are blooming, as are the roses and the honey locusts and all the other trees and bushes. The wild blackberries are starting to flower too. Walking through the woods, marveling at the sun-dappled ground, the wild flowers blooming beneath the trees. All is well. There is an aura of abundance about the place. Everyone is content. Chip is present in every leaf, every bloom, every blade of grass. His whispers sail on the wind, tousling my hair, tickling my ears. As we walk, I can sense him reaching out and taking my hand in his. Side by side we marvel at the pure beauty that surrounds us, in every way.

So today has been a day of rest and reflection.

I did go out and weed the gardens in the back yard, so that is something. Other than that I have simply lain on the futon on the patio and read and napped and daydreamed.

Yesterday was a great day. Prudy and I took Marty down to the barn and put him in the stall to get ready for fair. We walked him down the street from her house just like a dog on a leash and he was a pure angel. Got a few looks from some drivers passing by. Then a meeting at Kabuto's to go over some farm business. Nah, I really won't write off the meal as a farm expense, but I could. And then Prudy and the kids and I went to Stricker's Grove amusement park. That was a lot of fun. It was a perfect night weather wise and we rode some of the rides and had a really good time. And Prudy's mom even came out too. Extra points, anyone? Didn't get to bed until after midnight. But this is the kind of weather that I love. The evenings are warm enough that I can sit on the patio and watch tv and listen to the crickets and tree frogs as the stars come out.

Yeah, I am feeling a lot better, and maybe now I will be able to concentrate on my studies and on getting more connected. I have been a little neglectful in my schooling and passions lately as I was just not feeling well. Now that I am back and getting stronger, I am looking forward to accomplishing more and more. So very grateful that I have a support system of wonderful friends.It is so good to know that someone has your back and cares about you.  Have said many times that the Universe and Chip will bring me the people that I need, and I have not been let down. It is so wonderful to be so loved and supported, and to know that you won't let me sink. You've proven that to me time and again.

And I offer to you, my friends, all my love and support as well. Let's take this journey together and marvel at the wonders that we will share.


Friday, May 17, 2013


Now that I am back on track, things are coming to me rapidly again. Last nights dreams were different, strange. I have no memory of what they were, only the feelings they left me with. I know some dear ones were there with me. And though they were a wee bit disconcerting in their strangeness, they were equally comfortingly familiar. Looking forward to more, and working on remembering them.

Today Rebecca's little girl came to work with her and I watched her while Becky met with a client. We went outside and as soon as we got to the back yard, two beautiful butterflies fluttered by. They were swirling and whirling around each other, a dance of love. They stayed near us for a long while. Then a robin flew in and hopped closer and closer to us.

And I posted that Wednesday night when I took my walk, things seemed familiar again, like the old days. It almost seemed as if things shifted, went back to a former time. I noticed pieces of equipment that were in the field, that I had forgotten were there, even though every time I walk, I pass them. Just little things standing out again. Things that Chip and I experienced together. Really needed that walk.

I am playing little games with myself, trying to see how far I can get. This is fun. Thank you my friend for validating that I am doing it. The more encouraged I am , the more I want to do. It is almost as if I got bogged down in the muck and now I have emerged and am shedding the old skin. Remember that things were accelerating like this previously too, then I got lost. The key here is to not get lost. And it is not an easy task. I need to concentrate and be dedicated to this. And something else, some people I have recently met are also very sensitive. It is as if this whole wonderful community is embracing me and welcoming me into their fold. This is something I really need. I need to have these like minded souls to talk to, to share with, ask questions of and bounce ideas off. Doesn't it feel as if we are all being brought together for some wonderful purpose?

Well, I have begun to monitor my words now so it is time to go. The words aren't flowing as smoothly as I would like and there is no point in pushing it. They will come when they are ready. Main thing is that I got the memories out of the signs that I received today. Maybe tomorrow I will have something profound to say.


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Sweet Relief

Ah yes. In the spirit of being authentic and true to myself, I cannot censor my posts. Sometimes this is difficult and I have found myself omitting things that I feel others may not be comfortable with. So sometimes my posts are a little cryptic - but the people that the messages are meant for should understand.

I did not understand what was going on with me these last couple of weeks, and really still don't know for sure, but I do know that I am feeling 100 percent better and that today I am feeling joy, elation, and peace. So thank you. Thank you to Spirit, the angels, my guides, Source and Brad. I think you know already what a huge difference you have helped make in my life, but I have to say it again.
Yeah, baby! Cindy's back!!! Now I feel empowered again, and sense that it is time for me to step it up a notch with my homework and studies. Today I could actually feel the universe encouraging me and nurturing me. I can feel the connection again and it feels so wonderful. My visualizations are getting more clear, my concentration is getting stronger. My mind is no longer foggy and thick. My heart feels lighter and open. A lesson here. We have the power to create our own reality.Something important to remember - we all deserve success and happiness, peace and love. It is not selfish to expect this. And especially if we wish the same for all the other beings we walk with. We can be great, or we can be small. But what is the good in being small? Who benefits from that?

Here is what Marianne Williamson says:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Yeah, I AM working on this. And now that I'm feeling better, nothing is gonna stop me. It is so good to know that there are some awesome people out there that have my back. And I have yours too. We are a team. Gonna keep practicing. Gonna keep growing. This connection makes all the difference.  There is a purpose. It's time to sow love and light.

Did I learn a lesson here? Why yes, I did. And I am so very grateful to my guru for helping me with this. You are an awesome soul, and again,you do so much for so many others, back at ya 1000 times. And now I am going to go meditate on this lesson, and practice a little. And do my homework.


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

All Hail The BMK!

Yes, I mean this. Not just because you made me feel guilty because I was depressed. I absolutely, truly, appreciate that you and CNCK rescued me from the bowels of hell that is DR Court. And I hope that I am not only showing that appreciation in my attitude, but also in my work ethic and productivity. All of you are awesome to work for - like pooping ice cream. And I am working on earning some street cred too. Guess I gotta get on that. Hey, if I get that tattoo, how many points do I get?  So there! Nah, I am really honored to work with such fantastic people.

Just got back from a wonderful walk. (you didn't even know I was gone now, did you? ) The grass is really thick and soft, and everything feels so new and fresh. And the honey locust trees are blooming so it smells great. It is that perfect time of night when things are quieting down and the sun is getting ready to set. We sat on the lovey log and watched the sun go down, shining on the big sycamore tree. Then the cows came running over the hill and acted like they wanted to chase us so we decided it was time to split. And for the first time in a long time, things felt familiar again. It feels like the old place, like nothing has changed. I like that feeling.

So this is my second shower in 2 hours. It is hot out there. That is something I really enjoy, too. A nice cool shower on a hot evening, and then sit on the patio and let the breeze dry me off. If I weren't in here blogging and eating a peanut butter sandwich, that is where I would be right now with my kindle. Or maybe my homework. Know what? I think that is what I will do. This post will have to be a short one - plenty of time for spiritual thoughts another day.

Sweet, sweet relief. Thank you dear friend. May all the love and peace you extend to others come back to you a hundred fold.

Love, Peace and happiness to all.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Positively Positive

So many people have come to me in the last two years and told me they think I am one of the strongest people they know. And I think "WTF??? I feel like I am going to lose my mind."  And, while I am an extremely emotional person when it comes to expressing joy and tears, I just came to the realization ( thanks Brad) that I do not express anger. I hate confrontation. And it has always been easier for me to turn my back and swallow it, than to lash out and express it. Ok, there were those couple of times when I lost it, but when I do, people just don't know what to do. Not that I am angry or anything. Just making an observation.

And lately I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. It runs the gamut. In a single evening, hell in an hour, I can be elated, joyful, tearful, depressed, hopeless, then hopeful all over again. And I'm pretty sure that it isn't PMS. Has it just taken this long for everything to hit me? I thought I had been dealing with it pretty well. But, it was winter, and harsh, and we were in survival mode with the farm. Just trying to keep the fences hot and the cows in and enough hay on the ground to keep them fed and happy. I was really preoccupied. And now there is plenty of grass and the cows are happy. And there are fences to clear and hay to cut. But just now as I write this ( that's why this is such good therapy for me ) I got the impression " hey, that's not so bad. You have done this every year and you will be able to do it still." And the gardens that need cleaned, hell, that's fun stuff for me. And everything else, well, I have the rest of my life. The world won't stop if I don't trim the hedges. And of course my inner work. I feel like I have pushed that aside a little lately, and I am really wanting to get back. I need to get back to my old self. I don't want to lose that connection. It means way to much to me. And I am so grateful for my support system ( I LOVE YOU GUYS ).   I really need to be more dedicated to my homework, I think that is essential.

So here I am , struggling to get my head above the surface again. And really, life ain't that bad. Nothing that some courage and determination, and good friends can't handle. The Universe has sent me these situations. And that means that I am on the right path. Just need to get a grip on this anxiety and overcome it. The thing that is missing is Chip being here to take me in his arms and squeeze me and say "you've got this Red!" Well, he is still here.

And you better believe that when I get through this and get back to normal, I am so gonna celebrate.

When I sell the other farm in Indiana, first thing ( after setting aside capital gains taxes ) I am getting the bathrooms remodeled and new carpet. And maybe some other stuff, too. So there is a lot to look forward to. This PTSD is not going to kick my butt. I AM more than this. I have a great job, working with great people. I live in paradise. I have some wonderful family and friends both 2 and 4 legged. God is looking out for me. He sent me all these wonderful things. Just trust and allow and all good things will come.

So I have been rambling here far too long. I have gotten a few key thoughts out so I better stop here and call it a night.

May you all have peace and joy

Monday, May 13, 2013

A Little Credit Please

Gotta earn me some street cred at work. Found out the hard way that I can't call on past events for the credit ( even though it was truly incredibly AWESOME when I blew their minds with my potty mouth ). So what are some things I can do to earn points? A tattoo? Any ideas? See, you must always remember that still waters run deep.

Must admit that again, I am feeling much better tonight. I actually have an appetite today. Had a roast chicken sandwich and macaroni salad for dinner. The thing I need to remember is that there are more good days than bad ones. I just had a run of bad this last week. And I am not ashamed to confess that I was struggling, because after all, that's why I am here - to hopefully help others through my experiences. And MAN, was it a tough week. I was missing Chip something fierce, not feeling well, and depressed and worried and stressed all at once. I was screwed up. And honestly, the majority of it was just me being my own worst enemy. And I knew it, but just did not know how to stop myself. And you know what, Brad? Maybe that one thing has been festering more than I thought or would admit and it was coming to a head and I needed this to bring it out so I can heal. I really believe that things are accelerating. Maybe that's why I have been so emotional.

And that reminds me of something a coworker said to me today. She said that I am one of the sweetest people out there and have never been anything but sweet, and everyone who knows me knows that and would never believe someone else's bad words about me and they would all stick up for me. Do you know how good that makes me feel? I have tried so hard to be a good person and this is the kind of thing that really makes my day. No, more than that. It warms my heart and soul.

And I hope that I will help to warm your hearts and souls.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Conversations In My Head

Wow, I have been sliding into a deeper and deeper depression over the past few weeks. One would think that I would be beginning to really heal and get moving again, but I find it harder and harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel lately. Maybe it is because I was so excited about getting the new job and looking forward to that and now there is nothing new to look forward to. I do look forward to Monday and Tuesday nights. That is a lifesaver in itself. And I guess that since I am feeling blue, I am not as open to Source and not receiving as much guidance as I had hoped. I have no appetite and have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks. A cry for help? Nah, not really, but maybe. More like I just need to get my feelings out and hope that in doing so I will release some of this tension. This probably could be considered post traumatic stress disorder. I mean, I can rationalize almost everything I am feeling. Lost my soul mate to a terrible disease, just took on a new and unfamiliar job, have lots of work at the farm to do and not sure how to do it all. Sometimes I feel like it is a miracle that I can even find my way out of bed each morning. But I am trying to plug along there because there has to be some relief coming. Doesn't there?

I am very thankful to Brad for calling me yesterday exactly when I needed it. That gave me the lift that I needed to get me through the rest of the night. And the way it came about made a lot of sense to me because I was thinking  about him right before he called.

Am I trying too hard, or not hard enough? Maybe I need to dive into my work ( home, farm, office and inner ) and completely distract myself. Or maybe I need to take a couple of weeks off and run away. Or maybe I should just go down the middle and be kind to myself, loving and compassionate, as I would to someone else going through this same thing. That's the rub, I know what I would tell someone else if I were asked for my opinion, but can't seem to be able to take my own advice. Ack!!  I know what I need to do, but just can't seem to do it. Thing is, when Chip was here physically, he would always be able to comfort me. A big bear hug and his loving words of wisdom always made me feel better.

This has to go back to unresolved childhood issues. The six year old in me is scared and uncomfortable. She needs to know that she is safe and loved and capable of all of the challenges ahead of her. And of course, worthy of all of the rewards headed our way.

So, there you go. I have bared my soul again. This is two fold. It is a form of therapy for me - letting out the feelings that are plaguing me. And also possibly, my words and my experiences may bring some comfort to someone who is going through the same thing, feeling these same feelings. If, in sharing my journey I can bring a sense of peace to some one else, then I have made a difference.

Lets all make a difference

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Good Times

Had an excellent night last night. "Date night". Picked up a burger and onion rings and a packet of frozen margarita ( only had half ) and some orange cream cake ( a giant twinkie ) for dessert. Then I turned on the party lights on the patio and watched my favorite shows. Then I tried to meditate a little. Still need to work on that. And while meditating I wrote a poem. So it was a pretty relaxing and productive night if I do say so.

Today I had a lot to do at work. And I got it all done. I love to be busy, just not overwhelmed. And I love to be productive. My goal is that once I learn and understand what I need to do, then I can get my attorneys all uber-organized and make their lives so much easier. I strive to be one of those assistants that can read your mind and have things done before you even know that they need to be done. And we laughed a lot today too. I talked about getting my tattoo and we got a really fun conversation going. Have I told you how much I love these people?

Need to remember this feeling. I was really kind of stressed yesterday, overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done around here ( blah blah blah ) and feeling anxious to learn and do more and go forward on my journey. Tonight I feel relaxed and calm and grounded. Got the lawn moved and some of the gardens weeded, so this weekend just need to finish up what I can. But the point is, I feel really centered and grounded again. REMEMBER THIS! So many times lately I have felt hopeless, like I would never get back to myself. But then there are the good days again that make me feel optimistic and joyous about life. If I can feel this good today, then there is hope. There are good days. It is possible. Life is good and it is getting better.

And I do believe that Chip, Spirit, Source and the Universe are all working in my favor to bring me the people and opportunities that I need in my life to be happy and advance. They've got my back.And I am grateful for the people that are coming into my life as a result. You know who you are :)

And there are a lot of good things yet to come. The set backs and frustrations I may experience are just little lessons that I can learn along the way, which will aid in strengthening me and helping me expand. I am learning and experiencing things that I have never known before. That is exciting as well as frightening. But I need not fear. I am capable. The things I need will come. Look at how far I have come already in just a few short months. I never would have believed that I could do some of this. My intuition is kicking in after so many years of me keeping it locked up due to fear. My senses are becoming a little more acute. Oh, I have far to go yet, I have only just begun to spread my wings. And yes, I am impatient. But I know that, in time, everything will unfold in just the way it is supposed to, to lead me to my true purpose. Maybe you will even see me on stage. Or read my book.
And the best part? I know that my beloved will be right there by my side.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

BE All That You Can BE

This one has double meaning.

So today I surprised and pleased a co-worker by going to the post office!!! Yeah, baby! Cin found her way to the post office - and I've only been there, like, 5 or 6 times before!  Yuck, yuck, yuck. Ok. Make fun of me already. But realize this, I have been pretty sheltered and I am an extremely nervous, anxious person by nature. So if I am going somewhere I am unfamiliar with, I get really worried. Y'all know how much I worry. Just part of who I am. Doesn't mean that I am not capable. You wait and see - I AM AWESOME!!!!  And another co-worker, when discussing my goofy personality with me, said I am refreshing and she likes that.  Word to your mother. Hey, anything less than the best is a felony.

And that takes me to the second part of the meaning of this post: Last night my friend gave me a fresh new insight into things. And now I can truly be at peace with this. I do have a purpose here. And it is special. It will help others, now and into the future. It will work in two ways as well. I will offer up  my unique talents and insight, benefiting all involved. And the experiences will also help me to learn and grow - to challenge myself and to come into my power. It's win/win here. I think I have a couple of purposes. This is one. I was wondering how it fit into the Universe's plans, and now I understand.  And I do hope that my other dream of healing comes to fruition as well. My biggest set back is my impatience. Sometimes it seems as if things are accelerating so quickly and all these good things keep coming and coming, and then screeeeechhhhh, nothing for a while. So I am flying high for the moment, and then get depressed when things seem to slow down. It is all ebb and flow, Cin. Just need to remember and be patient. But it does seem as if things really are going more in my favor than not. Thank goodness that Brad S. is patient. Plus, when all of these new and exciting things are going on, my body, mind and soul are all resonating with the energy and that is a new experience and feeling in and of itself. That is enough to put you off your feed, too. I mean, I am undergoing some real changes in my life here. And an important thing to remember is to relax, allow, breathe and BE.

Now it seems as if my mind has run out of things to say. Time for a shower and then my favorite shows.  Thank you to my friends for your kindness and patience. I'm trying. Love and appreciate you.

BE awesome!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Maybe It's Not Just Another Day

So today is my birthday, and I really was going at this whole thing with the idea that it is just another day. Especially since the person that I would love to celebrate with is not physically here. But my friends and family had different ideas and I have been inundated with love and well wishes. And I even got sung to.  So this just in. Chip wants me to live on and be happy. It is no honor to him for me to be sad and depressed and to deny myself the happiness that I deserve. And I know this. I love and miss him terribly, and things just are not the same since he has gone to the other side. But I do know that he is here, encouraging me to feel the joy and excitement and good things that life has in store for me. He is right here by my side, enjoying the experiences along with me. I've no doubt that he was along on my job interview, and on the drive home when I woo hoo'd myself hoarse. And all the other times I have happiness and victories, regardless of how small. It is important to remember that it is beneficial to him as well as myself for me to be joyous and revel in the beauty and awe of this life. So I can give myself permission to be happy, and in doing so, I will make Chip happy as well.

Rebecca sent Blue out to get me a giant birthday cookie today. How sweet is that?! Here is a picture that I took with my new phone that really works. Love the colors!

Photo: Look what I got from my friends are my new job!!!

So, yeah, I am feeling the love. And I love you all back.

Annie seemed to know that I was having a rough week last week and on the weekend and she has been the ultimate companion. Last night she came over to me and put her head in my lap and looked up at me with those big brown eyes and handed me her hedgehog toy. It was so cold and rainy out , or else I would have gone outside with her and played for a while.

Here's the thing. I know that I am growing and evolving. And I know also that I am afraid to reach out when I need a hand sometimes. And I get it, I really do. There is no shame, no weakness, in asking for help. Actually it is a sign of strength, and of trust. Shit, I wear my heart on my sleeve anyway, so what's a little more vulnerability? And it is hard for me to put my finger on exactly what has got me so out of sorts. But Brad gave me some insight tonight, and that makes perfect sense to me. So, let's work on this and get me back to feeling like my true self - the joyous, good hearted, goofy, ever optimistic, totally loving, loveable, successful, excellent  and awesome ME!!

And now,There is a lot more I would like to say but it will have to waid because my eyes are growing heavy and methinks it is time for bed. Time to go have wonderful dreams ( I hope Chip will pop in for a birthday surprise) and an even more awesome day tomorrow.

Hope you have a most excellent day!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Feeling The Love

Had to do a quick post tonight. It is late and I am really tired, but have to say this.
Just got back from Nancy's. She and Susie and Justin and Caleb had a little birthday celebration for me tonight. There was pizza and cake and candles and ice cream and a "happy birthday" song. And presents! I really did not expect that. They got me some gardening gloves, and a planter with some peach impatiens and a hanging basket with purple flowers and purple beads. I was really overwhelmed with their kindness. Can't even begin to voice how much it means to me that I have been embraced and accepted into this family. I am truly blessed. Yeah, this is the beginning of a really good year. And I deserve it. These last couple of years have been rough. I love you guys.

And Prudy helped me get my phone set up today. I have a cell phone!! I can text!! And we had a wonderful, deep, emotional conversation. That was great too. What was said shall remain between us and Spirit. But it was a good thing.

And now that I am full of pizza and cake and ice cream, and happiness, I think I will go to bed and read. Just put clean sheets and comforter on the bed and everything smells great.

Much love to all !

A Person's Kind Words Have Great Impact

Still thinking about what Danylle said to me on Tuesday about Chip, and him being right where everything he loves is. She doesn't know what an impact that made on me, because I had been struggling with the thought of maybe selling and getting out. But the guilt of walking away from this place and everything we have known and loved and worked so hard for all these years made it unbearable to really follow through on. And of course, that this place is our legacy, and the kids will someday carry that on in our name. So, as soon as she said that, it became more than clear to me that this is home and this is exactly where I am meant to be. So thank you to Danylle. Those kind words helped to clear my mind and help me see the truth in this part of my path.

Yesterday I had Taco Bell for lunch and got an apple empanada. Chip used to love those. Funny, they just don't taste the same without him here to share them with. Before we started going out, he went there every night on the way home from work and got his dinner. Now, surprisingly, I get dinner on the run more often than not. Why cook? Hey, I'm losing weight after all!

So I believe that I have realized and understood that problem I was working on. And I am ok with my decision. Now I realize how silly I was being and that I was just wanting results because I am fearful. But when that realization hit me that I am supposed to do this and learn and grow from it and to stand strong on my own, it was very freeing. This is my story. My time to shine. Not gonna stand in the shadows and hide. If I have a purpose, and that purpose is to teach and heal others ( or whatever it is ) then I need to step out and go for it. After all, I do have the support that I need from Chip and Spirit. I do need some guidance on how to go about learning and growing and doing all the things I will need to, but the Universe will send me the people that I need to have in my life to help me accomplish that. After all, look at how things have been going lately. The right people seem to keep showing up in my life when I need them. So I will leave that up to Spirit and hope that I am blessed with everything I need to go forward and do the job I am destined to. I know that this is a little cryptic, but it is the best way that I can explain it right now and I am only writing what is coming to me, stream of consciousness. With my angels by my side, I can do anything!

It just now occured to me that unless you have loved and "lost" your soul mate, you might not understand a lot of what I say in my blog. It is designed to tell my story, the story of my journey. A journey thorugh grief, and faith and love and spiritual awakening. A lot of the things I post come randomly, just as I stated in the previous paragraph. It just comes to me as I type - like my fingers just take over and keep moving and the words flow. And of course, I use words and concepts that many may not be familiar or even comfortable with. But this is my story, my journey, and I am compelled to share it. If another lost soul comes across my words and finds peace and healing in them, then I have accomplished something. And if not, well, at least I am getting my own form of therapy from it. But I do hope that others are reading and getting something from this blog. In some way, it is putting myself out there asking for validation- "hey, I'm here! Anyone out there? "  But mostly the need to share and to serve is my intent. And I have mentioned before and am well aware - I am being completely vulnerable here. For the most part I am exposing my deepest, most innermost feelings. And it is very cathartic. And there are some things that I would love to put in here but do not yet have the courage to expose those particular thoughts and experiences. Maybe I will put them in my book, yes?  Yeah, I add some really silly stuff in here too. I really am looking for some people who are like minded and would enjoy getting together and discussing these things. Yesterday at work we were jokingly discussing the concept of time and it could have been a very deep and satisfying conversation if held in the appropriate venue. But as I said above - hopefully the Universe will provide me with the friends that I need to move forward on my journey. I REALLY need a couple of good amigos to walk with. Ya know. Like someone who has my back and loves me for who I am . A bunch of Beths ( love ya girl!)

It is a little chilly and overcast out there right now and I can't say that I am disappointed.  Yeah, there is a lot of yardwork to be done, but if it rains, then it will have to wait, won't it. And like I said in yesterday's post, I am going to do what feels right anyway, and it looks like that is going to be listening to some music, popping some popcorn, watching a movie, reading my book, working on my homework ( not done too much there this week - other things on my mind ) and cleaning up the house.  And tonight - a get together at Nancy's for some cake! Love you guys!

I feel Spirit right now. It feels so good when I feel wrapped in Chip's loving embrace. Last night as I was beginning this post I went outside to let Annie out and this came to me :

I can feel you on the wind tonight, as it blows past me, caressing my bare shoulders. Loving kisses drift across my face. I smile. You always show me how you love me. You are here. My love, my guide, my teacher. I cannot imagine a life without you.

Thankfully, I don't have to.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Our Anniversary - Happy Anniversary Love

Sixteen years ago today, I married the love of my life. I remember how excited we were. We had a lot to do because of the cows, and we did not live on the farm yet. And we did not tell anyone we were getting married - just went and did it. Such fun! This is our first anniversary that Chip is not here physically. However, our love is far too powerful for the veil to separate us, dear one. We have much to do here together, with you as my guide. I am eager to proceed. There is a much greater purpose for us. I feel your love radiating all about me.  " I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive."
You are my soul mate and my true love.

So, we never really did anything fancy to celebrate.We are pretty laid back and the simple pleasures are most important, so I went to Frisch's and got a super big boy platter. And I had some Maker's Mark in a coke and made a toast to us. That is probably exactly what we would have done. Maybe we would have eaten in the restaurant. And then I mowed the lawn. Got the mower started first try ( I believe my angel helped with that , thank you ) and mowed the whole yard. Drunk mowing. It was fun. Had another revelation last night too. I am like a baby bird that the mama is pushing out of the nest, teaching her how to spread her wings and fly. Or as Brad says it, I was a caterpillar that has turned into a butterfly. There are so many things that I depended upon Chip for, and now I have to learn to do them for myself. I hope Chip is proud of me for my efforts.

So this weekend I can concentrate on cleaning the house and getting the rest of the yard cleaned up. Now to just get the chainsaw going and get those felled trees out of the place. But as always, I may just take it easy and putter around. Good golly, just as I was typing this, Susie messaged me to invite me over to Nancy's Saturday night for pizza and cake for my birthday!! I am really touched right now.  Yeah, my angel is looking after me.

And with that, I am going to close this post.

   Early evening on the farm - the view from my back yard 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Just a Quickie

Almost time for my shows to come on and I am tired. Took a walk amongst them and everyone looks pretty good. Just need to keep packing in the grass and they will soon be looking awesome. And then a salad with BBQ chicken on it and a cold beer and now time for a shower. Beautiful night.

Just wanted to mention that on the radio show last night things got pretty deep and emotional for me and some of the others too. Danylle said some very wonderful, comforting things about Chip and me and I am truly grateful for that. I am now looking at some things with a new perspective and it feels great. A big theme of the show last night was not being shy about telling people how you feel about them. Let your friends and loved ones know that you love them. You can never say those things too much, and it does feel great when someone lets you know that they care about you. So, I know that I  have blogged about this topic before, but I just want to say again: Love to all my friends and family. I thank you and love and appreciate you. May God smile upon you all and make all your dreams come true.