Saturday, November 16, 2013

Fear(less)

Ok, so I really did not notice how much I have changed in the last few months. But evidently everyone else has. Someone else has commented on how much more alive I seem, perkier, spunkier. My old self. I really thought that I was doing well. I mean, I was lonely, but never alone. We are never alone. But I guess that was just a fa├žade. It is kind of fun that I did not even realize it. I mean, I know that I am feeling better and am much happier, but didn't know that it really showed to others so much.

I do know that I have been doing more things around here that I was previously afraid to do. Now I feel empowered to go start up the big tractor and move some bales. Something that once terrified me is now just a task. So many things I have done throughout the years. So many things learned. Breeding cows, pulling calves, doctoring animals, putting up and fixing fence, along with all the normal things I have learned in the various jobs I have held. And let's not forget the hard job of being a caretaker. And of loving. There are so many things in our lives that cause us fear. Anything that is considered negative can generally be seen as coming from fear. The thing to do is to overcome and eliminate the fear from our lives. Easier said than done. But as in the above examples, I have found that once you conquer that monster, you tame it and it becomes your friend. It becomes a lesson learned and a source of power. You become empowered to move forward in confidence, and to assist others in their own travels.

Personal:  Remember this. It is just like an addict, needing that next hit in order to feel alive. Over and over and over again. The one time is enough. It IS. And that is what is important. It was given in truth, purely and freely and  It is in my heart, where it belongs and will always be. My heart and soul, the keeper of all. Forever recorded there, even if I cannot remember the exact words. The feeling is there, the meaning, the truth, the intent. Always. And time will not make that change. Just because the hit does not come again, or at least not as often, does not mean that the feeling does not continue, strong as ever. Be at Peace.

So my friends, although I have rambled a bit, the main theme of this post is fear. Or conquering it. Some things that I have discovered lately ( which I thought I was already doing, but now realize that I was still holding back a little ) :  I can sing and dance with joy, and tease and act goofy in front of people without being self conscious. Especially when I am with Ronnie, who is helping set free the crazy in me. I am capable. I am so full of love that it nearly brings me to my knees. I never thought that I would be open and vulnerable to anyone ever again.  I AM BLESSED. Time to overcome those fearful impulses and kick them to the ground. It is time to be free.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Whispers In The Night

Don't know why that is the title of this post, it just came to me. The topic though is still hazy. I want to talk about the bathroom remodel and how much of a crazy insane thing that is. I want to talk about Chip. And work. And all these crazy feelings that are running through my mind. I want to remember all of the wonderful things that have been happening in my life, that my loved ones have said and done for me. But whenever I sit to blog, the words just fly out of my head. I know that they will come when they are ready. That's why I haven't blogged much.

My spiritual growth continues, but in a more mature, knowing, peaceful way. I don't feel that desperate need to go, go, go. I find that I am giving advice to others, and needing less for myself. I have settled into a bit of a comfy, relaxed attitude about my journey.

Things are stressful with the remodel, and work can always be a stinker. I find myself walking into the room, halfway through demo, and am hit with a wave of grief that knocks me to my knees. How can something so fun and exciting as a new bathroom cause such angst? I think because it has always been a dream of ours to do this, and do it ourselves. And now I am doing it, but having someone else do the work, and without Chip's influence. It is just one more thing that is not going to be the same any more. And that is not entirely a bad thing. I need to continue to move forward. Chip is still here. He walks with us. I know that he is tsking and chuckling about the adventures we are having with the remodel. I know he is shaking his head at the drywall work and the painting. Yes, I see the imperfections too. And I know that if you were doing the work yourself, it would not be that way. You always did perfect work. You are perfect. So I guess that this is just another reminder that you are no longer physically here.

You see, I feel like this is my time. I feel like life is worth living again. It is an adventure. And I have some wonderful souls to share it with. I have been struggling lately with the stress and my emotions have sometimes gotten the best of me. But I feel that I am on the cusp of a big positive breakthrough. Patience is a big deal here. I am like a kid, waiting for Christmas to get here. I want it and I want it now. But the best things are worth waiting for. And really, time is going pretty quickly. And yet it nearly stands still. How is that? I have mentioned that in a recent post. But it is all perspective. Let the boring, lonely days go quickly and let the fun, love filled, happy days last forever. And Ever.
And then roll over in the bed, reach out into the darkness, and touch the warm back of your beloved, pulling one another into a loving embrace, soft kisses growing harder and more urgent, and whisper your love to each other. Always.