Thursday, October 31, 2013


Seems like there are a lot of things in my life that are testing my patience. I really don't know. Really, I have the rest of my life. So why should I want things to get here so quickly? Maybe because I want the really good stuff that I know is coming, to come sooner. You know, the things you really look forward to and can't wait for. Some of those things include my bathrooms getting done. The contractor is having some problems with the mud drying on the drywall, and it seems as if we have been in limbo for a whole week. Well, we kind of have been. And then he is going to start on the other bath once this one is finished. This one, we are getting re-done pretty much exactly like it was, with the exception of vinyl instead of the tile that was in there. I am looking to simplify life, and cleaning grout is not on my list of favorite things. But the other bath, I think I will get some different colors and make it a little more fun. There are some other things too.....

Yes, I know this is a test. And I really have to calm down and be patient. Impatience does not get you anywhere. It only gets you into trouble. And I find that if I begin to get impatient, I can become a real bitch. Really. It is really hard to sit here and see the dust and dirt from the remodel, and the house in disarray. I am itching to have the house all clean and cozy. Everything in it's place and all my chores completed. But it will come. And life will get better.  Just calm down and go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

Life has been so enriching lately. I never believed that I would feel this way again, and I want more of it. And more campfires and fire water and love and contentment.

That book is knocking at my heart again. Maybe I should start working on it for real.

And now my mind is blank and tired. I think I will go to bed and read a little.

Love and hugs!

Monday, October 21, 2013


It is true, time does not stop for anyone, for any reason. And yet time is just an illusion. Something that we have created in this physical existence, as part of the journey. But while we are physical, time controls. Sometimes we wish we could turn back the time. Sometimes we wish tomorrow would come faster, or next week. But while we are living in a physical body, experiencing this game that we have created for ourselves, we find that we must obey the rules of this existence. Spirit is boundless, limitless. If we can remember this, we can overcome the illusion, or at the least, deal with it in a more effective way. Don't let it control us. Use it to our best advantage, greatest growth, greatest good for all. I have said here many times that I have not wanted to track the passage of time. The months, and now the year that have passed since Chip has moved on to Spirit. But it seems as if my thoughts sometimes come back to that concept, and I am compelled to note my thoughts and observations and feelings on the subject.

It has now been one year. For every day, every experience. One of everything without Chip. What a sad way to conceptualize such an event. But it is what it is. And in my heart, one year ago, I never expected to come out of this. Never expected that I would be happy, truly happy. Live with joy and love again. And you have watched as I have struggled, worked through, and come out the other side of my grief. You have experienced my pain and my joy as I have shared them with you. My friends have walked this path beside me and reached out with a helping hand each time I have stumbled. And I have learned so many things during this year.

I think the main thing is that you will never be the same. And that is ok. I have grown. Chip is always here, by our side. I feel him still, though I feel also as if he is stepping aside more often, to allow me to become the new me that I am destined to be. He has allowed Ronnie to step in and become a prominent part of our lives. I hope Chip knows that I want him to always be by my side. He is always a part of me, of our existence. I so dearly want to explain our theories as to why this has all come about like it has, but right now that is too personal to share. Just suffice to say that all is as we have always intended it to be. Chip is our guide, shining the way.

I have much to do here.  The important thing to remember is to live life. To love. To be free and joyous and whole. To share. Now is my time to live. I deserve this. To sit back, go with the flow, be open and receive the blessings that the Universe has to share. I see the three of us on this journey, arms linked, walking the path to enlightenment, love and joy. We deserve this. It is our time.

Old Stone House

You have been sitting in grand majesty for nearly 200 years now. Tall, solid, strong. Born of the rock that lines the creek beds, that sleeps in the hillsides, rising from the ground as if from a long slumber. You have sheltered so many families. Seen births and deaths. Witnessed the love and joy that emanated from within your walls. How many Christmas trees have stood in your rooms? How many meals has your kitchen served? When the doctor lived there, how many people were healed under your careful watch?

And when Chip and I met, he began the loving process of fixing you up. Rejuvenating you. Breathing new life into your tired walls. The kitchen completely gutted. New cabinets, appliances. The doorways that became a work of art, curved on one side, angular on the other, 2 feet thick. And the heart above the staircase. We did not complete that labor of love, as circumstances presented us with the home that I now reside in. And time took us away to other tasks. You were set aside, for another day. And perhaps in 5 years, or then 10..... Yet that never came. Life gets in the way. Shortly after Chip passed away, your front fell. Tons of rock cascading to the porch. Your way of saying goodbye? How fitting.

You are tired. You have served well. Done your job. You have seen so much.

Ronnie and I. Reverently entering. Great love and respect for all you have given over these many years. It was harder than I expected, to enter your halls once again. To see the once beautiful walls and cabinets and appliances, so lovingly installed, fallen and spent. No longer safe. As we peeked through each room, we reminisced. I told Ronnie stories that I could remember, of the cold winter days that Chip would spend working the drywall, layer after layer of mud, while I added wood to the fireplace to keep us warm. We came across the old invoices that Chip had prepared while working for Nichols, nearly 45 years ago. We found the pictures that were hidden on the top shelf of the closet. Memories that did not belong to us, but meaningful nonetheless. Then the basement, with the rafters broken and sagging, floor about to fall completely through. So sad. We scoured every inch we could, looking for treasures to rescue.

And now, my friend, you shall have your rest. We will lovingly bring your walls down. And in your place, a new shelter. A dream home. A new beginning. And you will live on. Not only in the memories, but also in the rock that you leave behind. Rock to build the fireplaces, and the garden walls, and firepits and whatever else we can dream of. The farm shall become a home again, a show place. Just like Chip had always dreamed of.  And so you shall live again. But remember, old friend, you shall always live on in our hearts.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I Never Thought

I never thought. I never imagined. I never would have believed. How could I live here without you? What joy could life possibly hold for me? You were everything to me. You are everything to me. How can an entire year have passed? Each day a struggle. Where has the time gone? A year. 365 days. So much pain, yet also joy. Accomplishments. Victories. New job. Tattoo. New beginnings. And each and every step of the way I have felt you beside me. Sometimes leading, sometimes following, but always there. You guide me. I have become a different person. Very different. Bolder. More adventurous. More assured in some aspects. Terrified sometimes. Not so much anymore. You have sent to me many friends.   I never thought that I would have hopes and dreams ever again. Now I know.

I celebrate you. We celebrate you. Celebrate life. This beautiful moment in destiny that allows us to see what lies beyond and know that this is a celebration. And that it is ok. You are the love of my life, my soul mate, my beloved. You always will be. You're here, I feel you. Thank you, love. Thank you for sharing everything with me. For watching over me. For loving me. And know. Know how I carry you in my heart and soul. Always.  My beloved. It is time to live. Time for love and joy and bliss and happiness. Dreams come true. You are part of it, every bit of it. I pray that you will continue to walk beside us. Guide us. Love us. I honor you. I honor everything about you. You were a great man. You are a great soul.

With your love, with your guidance, life once again has meaning. Because I am not done yet. There is so much more we have to do here. So much love to give. So much more love in store for all of us. And your love shines through. You tell me it's ok. Ok to allow. My turn. Give it all away......., you remember. To love and be loved so deeply, so purely. You taught me that. And you will go on. You are here. In every blade of grass. In the reflection in the eyes of each newborn calf. In the clouds and sun and moon and stars. In our hearts. In our souls. Always.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

My Dear Friends

You know who you are. My beloved friends from the community, work, around and of course, family. Thank you all. I am fine. I know I have been sporadic, to say the least, in my blogging, and in my facebook interactions and in most other ways as well. But, you see, I am so very happy. And busy. Busy just being, sometimes. Oh, and I am stressed, too. But that is different. Stress and love and happiness don't really mix, so I try to separate them and keep my chin up and only allow the love to surface. The stress comes from being overwhelmed, and from allowing myself to feel inadequate and unwise. This too, shall pass. But the love and happiness shall go on forever.

Thinking back on the past year, and my mind wants to shut down and disassociate. I honestly never realized how hard things really were. Somehow, I just kept my head up and plowed along with a smile on my face as best I could. It felt as if as long as I was positive, and putting on a good show and being a good example for others, then the pain would not be able to catch up with me. But it was there. And something good to know is that you cannot hide. It will find you. And the best thing is to honor it and acknowledge that it is there. You don't have to allow it to pull you under, however. Seek support from your friends and loved ones, and from professionals, if need be. Never, ever, ever give up. Had I done so, I would not have learned the things I have in the past year, even if they were hard won or painful lessons. I would never have made the accomplishments, had the victories.

Chip is still here, by my side. He is happy. He has watched over me and guided me and comforted me when I thought I could not take one more step. And for him, for him I walked through the fire. And I have emerged from the other side, cleansed by the flames. New. The phoenix risen. And the three of us shall continue together along this path. Living, learning, loving. Our wonderful new adventure has just begun, and it is going to be full of love and happiness and bliss. My dear ones, walk with us.

My dear friends, I love you all.