Sunday, October 19, 2014

Mourning Dove

Early morn, I am sitting on the patio watching the sun rise on my last day here. I hear her call. She has been calling every day now since I have entered this beautiful place. The dove, singing her mournful, yet enchanting song. Today I heard him, calling back to her, answering, "Here!  Here I am, my love."

She stops for a moment to listen, then her calls come faster, excited, uplifted. I imagine what she is telling him.  "Oh, how I've waited for you. Where have you been, what adventures have you had while we were searching for one another?"

"Time, love, a lifetime to share. For now let me wrap my wings around you and melt into the comfort of your warmth. I've been searching so long."

So I find myself alone on this balcony,  blissfully peaceful,  the sun risen, the air becoming hot and steamy, the ocean sparkling beneath the azure sky, reflecting.

And then, a gift.

They fly past. On the palm below me, they light and sit, side by side, nuzzling and preening one another.
A smile brightens my face as I could swear I see him fold his wing around her and draw her closer.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Something So Strong

There is a lot to post from this week, but since I am using my phone to type, I'll just record a quick thought and post the rest when I get home.

Today was such a beautiful day. I went for a long walk on the beach by myself. Right as I entered the beach, trying to decide which direction to go in, a dragonfly approached me and turned me to the left.  I immediately thought of Chip. As I walked, I spoke to him, told him I wished he were here with me. The dragonfly reappeared at that exact moment and followed me  along the beach for a while, hovering very close,  right beside me. I know it was him. I felt so loved and safe at that moment. He was there with me.

The beach felt like home today. I had several inspiring thoughts and emotions, making me feel uplifted and anticipating the future. Its a good feeling. Something good is on its way.

Bring it on, baby!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Two Years

Two years,  my love. It seems like just yesterday some days, a million lifetimes ago, others. And time moves on here. The sun rises, the stars fall, renewing their life cycles, as we shall also. There will always be us. You will find me again, next time, this time, that time,  every time.

Two years of stumbles,  victories, pain and joy. My journey. Your journey. Our journey. We are one. I love you. Always.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Can I handle the seasons of my life? Stevie Nicks asked that question many years ago. Whatever the true inspiration for her story was, I have my own version. My own translation. The seasons of my life? Yes. Doesn't the bible even speak of there being a time for each event in our lives? And remember, my friends, that time is not really linear. That is all an illusion. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter? Only if that is how we choose to view it. We tend to speak of being in the Fall of our lives when we find ourselves in middle age, yet that seems to be a terrible death sentence to me. Like we are marking time, counting down, pulling pages off a finite calendar. And some day we will pluck off that last page, and say to ourselves " oh shit, where have the days gone?".  Time and reality is only as we make it. We get to choose. Today, I was sitting on the patio, in the cold, watching the storms come in. The rain began to pour down, the thunder clapped and the lightening streaked across the sky, cold breeze blowing mist into the room, chilling me. My thoughts turned to you, and others. I get to choose. Do I feel sad because it is a cold, rainy, lonely day and I am missing you, and thinking of others, who could be sharing my adventure with me, others, who are living their own illusions, good or bad? Or do I jump up, inspired, and run to my computer and write? I've not been nudged by anyone just yet this moment, but my own self says to come in here and write. Perhaps the nudge shall come later. Or perhaps (a most welcome thought) you did nudge me, secretly, you little scamp!

See, I've lived out the winter. The last that I will ever accept again. We've been granted this lifetime to explore, to discover, to learn. Being afraid, depressed, stagnant, it does us no good. Oh, for a moment it will, to help us discover those broken parts of ourselves that we are now being inspired to mend. And in that healing, we shall be able to help others, should they accept it. And I shall have some winter days again. And again. As they are needed, to remind me of lessons needing learned, wounds needing healed, forgiveness needing given and received. But I will not allow those days to swallow me, to take me under, for the landslide to bring me down. I choose. And I choose the sunshine. THE LIGHT. My days shall be full of warmth, light, cool breezes rustling the leaves on the trees, swaying the golden wheat heads in the fields.

If we create our own reality, then why don't we realize it and make it one hell of a good one? Well, for my part, it has taken me a while, and some circumstances, to wake me up and inspire me to begin this journey with awareness. And of course, that is when the tests and the healing really begin to make sense (sometimes) and have meaning. To really get my attention and make me understand that this is not something that is happening to me but rather for me. And most excitedly, that I have been the one orchestrating the tests all along. "Cin", my higher self must be whispering to me, "you are ready to go out and meet others like you, who are floundering in their own confusion and indecision, and to use your experiences to help them, just as others have helped you to understand." "But..." I argue with my higher self, " I am no one. What do I know, and who will listen to me? Who am I to be able to inspire others, to help them to heal?"

"You are an infinite, powerful being of light and love",  my higher self whispers back. " As we all are. Show them. Show them that there is more to life than being sad and miserable and lonely. Show them that we are all one. That we are meant to live, to love, to be happy and prosperous. We are never too old, nor are we too young, to learn. You have many teachers guiding you, as do they. Some realize this, others are still asleep. Don't you see why you are being driven to write, to teach? It is for you, every bit as much as it is for them. We are all in this together. The ones we love and cherish, and the ones who seem to get on our very last nerves. All One. Mirrors of ourselves and what we most need to learn and work on. Remember, Cin, faith, trust and patience. All that you desire is barreling toward you now, as we speak, gleefully awaiting your discovery, so that you may begin living the reality that is your dearest dream, your birthright."

And I come back to my own thoughts, watching my fingers flying across the keyboard, a smile pulling at my lips. This feeling inside. One of excitement. Anticipation. A tug at my heart. You have heard me calling out. Both of you. My beloved mate, and now guide, and the other one. There are so many powerful forces calling to me. Is this what it is like? When people are called to serve, to enter the priesthood, become nuns, chaplains, monks, healers, doctors, writers, actors, whatever the calling. This pulling, tugging at the heart. Not for fame and fortune, nor recognition, but just, well, peace. Peace for your own heart, and peace for the hearts of all that you touch in the process.

You can choose to make your lives miserable, or a struggle. Always chasing the dollar. Always feeling as if you are getting older, and weaker and less and less and less. Or you can choose to see that this is your adventure. You are the author. You are the hero. If you think it, you will become it. Don't think of yourself as old, poor, lonely, unlovable. You are young at heart, and your body will follow that lead, you are prosperous, you are popular and loved. You do not need to be punished for any self-perceived sins. Your birthright, all of ours, is to be happy. Wake up and see it.

Live your adventure. Do things that scare you. Ride that bull. Walk on hot coals. Shamelessly go after that which your heart desires. Trust, believe, allow. Have faith. He will come.

Last night, coming home from grief group, after dinner, Bonnie and I went to K-Mart. Right there before us, appeared a rainbow. And then Bonnie said, "look, another one!", and yes, a double rainbow. Only the second I have seen in person. The first being the day before my beloved passed on to the next step of his adventure. And now. What is the meaning to me? Next week it will be two years. Has it something to do with that? I don't think so, especially since I don't believe that time means much, especially over there. Was it a sign? Of course, I can interpret it any way I want to. Create my own story. But I really would like to know if it were meant to be a specific sign to me. A hello from you? A sign from the universe that all is well? That he is on his way? Did he see it too and think of me? And what did it mean to each and every other person who witnessed it? Did they receive their messages as well? I hope so. I hope that they each understood exactly what they were meant to from this and felt overjoyed with peace and happiness. And perhaps I will be blessed with an indisputable realization of what the meaning for me is.

So, I have decided that I am going to create the reality of perpetual spring for myself. New life, beauty, warmth, lushness, all abound. As I have said before, I realize that without the darkness we cannot truly know the light, and that is fine, for each experience is a lesson toward our growth and evolution. Even in the spring we have storms, but always the promise after of a warm, wonderful, beautiful existence. And sometimes, sometimes, a beautiful rainbow. Or two.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Remains, Dont Stop Believing, And Destiny

Should have posted this a few days ago, but just getting around to it. Really, just another memory journal for me. Went to see The Remains at Memories Supper Club on Saturday and it was great fun. Anyone who reads this blog knows the importance of The Remains in my life, as their concerts seem to mark really memorable events for me. So we listened. And we danced. And on the break, I asked Pete if they were going to play Don't Stop Believing. He said they would for me. So after a bit, he called out to the crowd, " Is Cindy still here? "  So I raised my hands and woo-hoo'd and they played my song. And we got up and danced again, and I danced my heart out. It felt like they were playing just for me, and I looked right into Pete's eyes and sang along with him, and I knew that he understood that this was a special song for me. So even more memories were formed that night. I feel an almost sadness thinking about Blue Ash and The Remains and the past two years. So much happiness came from those nights, yet some pain too. How things change. But, really, lots of great memories and lessons learned. And potential futures, too. Be patient. Allow and welcome.

Love You Guys!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

What Is So Freaking Hard About This, Or, AUGHHHHHHHHHH

Ack! WTF!  Why why why cant I make up my mind? Why am I so torn? Really, I need to just turn my back and walk away from this situation. Just forget about it for a little while. Rest. Relax. Rejuvenate. It will all be there when I decide to return to reality, and what is meant to be will be. God, I so want to just run away to Florida and never look back. But there are properties to be sold, as well as equipment and animals and dreams. Dreams. Lost and found, then lost again. But not nightmares, no, not that. Still dreams, still good, even along with the pain. Still all the good memories. Memories of those wonderful moments in spacetime. Why can't I just forget? Others can. Just forget and walk away and move on. But there is more to it than that. Those dreams wont let go of my heart. Not these dreams. And I know the difference, because there are so many that I have walked away from. Never to be thought of again. So I know that there is a reason that they have this hold on me. They are meant to be a part of my life. If not, they would dissolve, just like other dreams long cast aside and forgotten. No these dreams are meant to be awakened. Just like the horses. From the beginning of my memory, I have always loved horses. They always have and always will be a part of me. So is this dream. These dreams. To write. To help. To serve. To heal. To love. To live a life of adventure. All of them, calling me at the same time. Each one demanding my attention. Remember what I have said in the early posts- I have the rest of my life. Things will happen when they are meant to, not a moment sooner. And again, as I mentioned, maybe I needed to be introduced to some ideas, experience some things just to know that they are out there. They aren't just yet ready for me, but they will be soon, and then I will be ready for them. They won't let go of my heart, because they are not meant to.

Walk softly. Those words just popped into my head. Not sure what they mean, but I am sure that I will become aware of their significance soon. Walk softly, in beauty. Ok, I know what it is telling me. Start living in Grace. Allow. Be. Force and strength and might will not win this prize. I can be as soft as the yearling doe. This will be difficult for me because I have come to have the need to close off my heart like a steel vault. AAAAAHHHH. That is the battle. The fight is between my psyche and my soul. One calling out to my destiny, the other pushing away in fear of being hurt. THAT'S why I can't make up my mind. Fear. And the opposite of fear is LOVE. The two cannot exist in tandem. One or the other, Cin. Which shall it be?

Walk softly, walk with courage. Courage to overcome the fear. Remember, I am an infinite, powerful awesome spirit. Nothing can hurt me, unless I allow the illusion that it can. Be brave, dear one. Swallow the fear and step boldly in the direction of  your dreams. Walk through that fire. On the other side is your paradise.

So many dreams. So many choices. But all of them will lead me to home. To my destiny. Whether I sell and move, or stay here, write that book, hone my skills, give my lectures, train my horses, walk on fire, find my true love and second soul mate, all things will take me just where I need to be. To the right place in the right time.

Listening to A Thousand Years. That song always gets me too. And somehow, I know. I awoke one morning last week with that song in my head and some ideas ( remnants from a lucid dream ) in my heart. A sign. Don't be afraid. I instantly knew it was a sign.  As painful as it sometimes is, I am in awe of and loving this dance of our souls, all of us, in this lifetime. We are all connected. We are all one. We each have our purpose together. I honor each and every one of you that walks alongside me.

Now I intend to make up my mind and go on that adventure!!!!   Ride with me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Aha! Got It.

Been thinking about this one lately. Actually had this down to post last week, but haven't taken the time to really think into it. Now it is ready to be said. Another cryptic one, meant just for me as a reminder.

Remember, remember. Intuition is our friend. It is our security system. How many times have you gotten that feeling that something just wasn't quite right? Did you heed that warning? Did you ignore it? What were the results? And did you even realize what was going on?

Right now mine is confusing me. On one hand it is telling me "NOT-RIGHT", but also my inner guide is whispering ( or my soul is telling me) that it shall be so. Is that part just wishful thinking? Because I think it is what I really want? Therein lies the confusion. I go back and forth between not wanting to do it, for all those reasons, and really wanting it because it is speaking to my soul, loudly.  Either way, the best is yet to be, whether it goes the way I have wished for, or in another direction. So, again, the thing to do is have patience and faith. I am wondering if the "NOT-RIGHT" warning is saying "not right now", but perhaps will be a large neon sign flashing "OK-RIGHT" in the future. So my reticence at this moment could be true for the time. And in time, things could be the right time for this dream. When all the details fall into place and everything is ready, everyone is ready, the Universe will conspire to make this come true, and it will be the most wonderful and awesome thing to ever happen to us.

Yes, this idea feels most comfortable to me. It explains why I have both the attraction and the repulsion to this situation. Why my intuition continues to remind me of the notrightness of it, and my soul continues to offer me hope and inspiration about it. The situation was introduced to me, to get me thinking in that direction, readying myself for the wonderful adventure yet to come, testing me with lessons needing learned before the time actually is right for this. And it is important that I remember that I must not push, or be impatient. I must allow. The Universe has my back. If I am correct in my hypothesis, then all the pieces of this puzzle will come together and fit perfectly and the resulting picture will be absolutely beautiful. All the chapters of the book will come together to form the perfect story, joyful throughout, with the happiest of endings.

I trust that, whatever, whoever, whenever, the most wonderful, exciting, loving part of my life is beginning. Thanks and gratitude to the universe and God!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Cant Get Enough

Stream of consciousness, a second post directly after the first today. Don't know why, exactly. Like I said, I am nervous, vibrating with energy. Anticipation. Zowie. Am I going to win the lottery?

The air is cool beneath the canopy as the early evening sunlight dapples the ground through the cover of the leaves on the trees. Birdsong. Rustling. The small animals scurrying along the forest floor as we walk the path, traveled so many times before. I feel my companions by my side, even as I cannot see them. Faith. Believe. He appears from the shadows, as if by magic. Powerful, regal. Strong. Grey green eyes, piercing, yet soft, warm, welcoming. Imploring. His heart sings out, connects with mine. Seeking understanding. Acceptance. Love. He steps out of the trees, slowly, nervously, testing. Approaches me. I hold out my hand, accepting, welcoming. Although I , too, am fearful, I relax. My heart assuring me. "You are safe", I whisper. "You are safe here with me. I will never hurt you." His eyes tell me he is afraid, yet he wants to be with me, to protect me. He senses the goodness within me, as I sense the same in him. He starts, ready to bolt. Then catches himself. Fear abating for the moment. I reach out, run my fingers tenderly through his soft, short grey hair, tickling his ears. He sighs, tender touch long since forgotten, until now.

As the sun makes its way to the horizon, we turn as one and walk silently together. The leaves, fallen, covering the forest floor, crunch beneath our feet as we stroll. We stop at the buckeye tree, searching for the spiny pods . There! We begin to find them, breaking them open to reveal the silky smooth nuts within. I fill my pockets with our treasures. He steps to me, leans against me lightly, the touch of his shoulder against me fills me with serene delight. We have come to trust one another. Fear cast aside, we remember. We realize that we have found each other again. Souls speak, a language long forgotten since beginning this physical adventure of life. Our paths have led us back to each other. Rejoicing in the moment of reconnection, our hearts entwine. We. His warm breath tickles my ear as I wrap my arms around his broad neck and nuzzle his cheek. "Stay this time, don't run, don't be afraid, " I sigh into his ear, " you deserve peace, love, happiness, security. No one will ever harm you here. We will protect one another." Though he has no words, a silent answer flickers in his eyes, my heart hears and understands. The silver cord that has joined our spirits through eternity grows bright and strong. It is our turn. It is our time. We accept, we agree.  Together, we make our way to the clearing, to the path that leads home.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Come On Get Higher

That's not exactly the perfect title for this post, but the one that came to me. The perfect one has no words. I have no words. The shift is upon me. I feel it. I feel you. I am ready. I am willing to relax and allow. Let's do this. I feel new energy coming. Time to let go of the old, to be sent out and recycled, renewed. Blessings to all.

Right now, things are still wonky. Still uncomfortable. Still stressed. But not for long. I feel the good, positive energy headed my way. Peace. Finally. I have felt you close for days now, a sure sign that I am once again on the right path. For where you are, I know I'm home. The energy of the people around me, those I am closest to, is increasingly positive. It is time for peace and love and beauty. Inspiration strikes again. ( words want to be spoken here, but are reluctant, elusive. I want to mention you and the inspiration you gave me and how now it is back, that feeling, that energy. But the words are telling me that we are not ready to share them just yet. Perhaps... perhaps? )

This post is cryptic. Probably makes no sense to anyone outside looking in. Will it even make sense to me in a year? But I am realizing that I am learning. I am growing and changing these last couple of weeks. Looking back at the posts, I see that. See the fear and confusion lifting. And that is what this is all about. Being raw. Sharing my deepest feelings, in hopes that not only I heal, but that others find healing and inspiration in my words and experiences. This is one of those days where I would love to spend the entire day in quiet contemplation and reflection. But it is a busy day today and I have much to do. Much living to do today. Weekdays are good for contemplative thinking, when everyone is working and the world is quiet. Today is a day for doing.

Hmmm. Elusive words again. They want to be coy. All right then. This is going to be one of those personal posts. Just for me. Remember Cin. Remember the feeling. The light, uplifting feeling of anticipation. The new energy is coming. It is going to be awesome. Open your heart and allow it in. I feel a story coming. A love story. Epic. Beautiful. My book, my life. Come on.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Magical Anticipation

Blue sky, hawk circling overhead. The last of the summer's crickets and locusts singing songs of love. Sunshine, casting shadows along the tree line, cool and lazy, restful. Wind, rustling the leaves of the Osage orange, heavily laden with fruit, bowing toward me as I pass 'neath its branches.

I sigh, contented and peaceful, yet restless as well. An enigma. How can one be so unburdened, relaxed and yet so full of yearning? The bees pass from flower to flower, gathering that last bit of pollen for their hives. The birds flit across the freshly mowed lawn, searching for lunch. My blue bird! I see you, A greeting from the Universe, my sign that , indeed, all is well. Thank you.

My heart is full of dreams and anticipation today. I have convinced myself that something wonderful is happening. Today I shall be rewarded. I remind myself , just this very moment, that I create my own reality. And this reality that I am anticipating is a wonderful one. I can see it, taste it, feel it. Can you?

Vibrating with excitement, I feel the energy surrounding me, positive, enchanting. Uplifting. How else can I explain it? To paint a picture of something unseen, yet so tangibly felt? That childlike feeling of Christmas eve, knowing Santa is on his way.

Annie feels it too. She is alert, seeking as well. She probably knows better than I what joys are coming.

For the first in a long time, I feel gratitude.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A Long Walk Into Remembering And Dreams

Took a long walk today. I felt that there were some who walked with me. I know you were there, as well as some other old friends, perhaps? How many memories jumped out at me, as if reaching out in a game of tag? How many emotions flooded my being, as I pondered the past, present and future? All around us, things have changed, are changing. Trees come down in the windy storms of the summer. New paths made by forest creatures, big and small. The lovey log all but sawdust now. And in those changes, new opportunities. New friends. New lessons. Oh, how I want to join you, back home again. A time to rejoice, to rest. To rest in your arms once again. Or at least, in the loving energy of us. But there is  more for me here yet. Thing is, what? Love. Well, of course. That's what this is all about. And helping. Yes. Helping others. All these things are calling out to me again, stronger than ever. Again, I feel the pull of the Universe, guiding me along this path. At this very moment, I feel a little lost. At a crossroads. Not in a scared kind of way. But in a neutral way. Which way shall I go? I need a push, a little help, please. A little insight. Hold my hand? I want to choose the path toward the greatest good. And I am hoping that this path will also include my second soul mate, come to walk beside me. To work with me. We have much to do. The three of us, actually. You from the other side of things and us from here. I promise not to sway from my path, even when we find each other. We will strengthen one another. He, who will give me the strength and inspiration to see the bright future ahead of us and inspire me to move forward in my calling to help others. I, who will love and support him and show him what true partners are. He is out there. I am here, waiting.

Walking, I remembered the events of almost exactly a year ago. Staking out the flat spot in the pasture, to see if it would work for a building lot. Oh, the meteor shower and the fireball and the fire pit and fire water. All things I mention from time to time, as they are memories that I shall forever cherish. The few cattle that are left, laying in the woods, beneath the canopy. I remember when that whole area was packed with cows and calves. The quiet calm of them, chewing their cud. I remember just a month ago. How happy I was! The Blue Ash concert that I had so looked forward to. And a wonderful, unforgettable night it was. Dreaming of many more nights like that. So many things have happened in the last two months. I know that I already mentioned that in a recent post, but my fingers want to type these memories out here too.

I know that all the things I desire will come to me in the perfect time. When it is right. When we will most enjoy and appreciate them. This illusion that I have created for myself is making me weary. It is time to create a new one. One where the lessons are now all learned and the path is straight and light. Where love abounds. Joyous. Fun. Happy. Where my book is in full swing. Inspiration through the roof. My skills and abilities are flowing strong and people are benefitting from my work. And of course, him. My second soul mate. He and I, living in complete love and security. One. Always.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Better And Better

Don't stop believing. Again and again that theme comes up in my life. As I sit here and type this, listening to Journey play. And I am transported back to that wonderful night last month at Blue Ash, the Remains concert, the lovely company, the absolute joy that I felt, if only for that one day. As in that previous post, if only I could turn back time and relive that day. All day, over and over again.  Blue Ash and the Remains have been such an important part of my memories for the last two years now. Next year will be the winner. The best. The one where the dream will finally come true.

How I want to be an inspiration for others. To show that we can come through this fire, purified and stronger than ever. To teach by example that life gets so much better as we go along. And yet, through my trials and tribulations, it seems as if I keep falling down, time after time. What kind of example is that? But you know what? I am learning. I am growing. Each and every experience I have becomes part of who I am and who I am to become. This song gives me much to look to. My soul sings and dances to it. It remembers last year, and last month and all the fun and joy and reveling in new love. If we look at the rough times as lessons, building blocks along our path, we will grow and be even more powerful than before.

I revisited the first post in this blog today. It reminded me that this is the story of my journey. And I am the creator of that story. It is now time yet again to create the perfect, happy story for my life. From "once upon a time..." to "happily ever after." Each lesson strengthens me, and each day will bring more joy and love from now on. From now on I will experience only goodness, joy, happiness, prosperity and love. From now on, life just keeps getting better and better.

Monday, September 15, 2014


I hope I remember this. I had a realization this morning. And it was such a relief. I felt you there, as well, if it was you, or someone else equally protective of me. And I felt your approval and possibly delight at my realization. I recognized the warning, that Saturday, I felt it and should not have ignored it. I should have known. I should have trusted my own intuition, those feelings do not lie and I can believe in my own abilities and my own protection system. I knew the moment the steel doors came down. I should have closed mine off as well at that moment, to keep from getting hurt. but I still had hope, and not so much confidence in my warning system. And had I listened, the outcome would still have been the same, only with a little less pain. Perhaps I can say that I learned the littlest bit more from the experience since I allowed it to get to me so much more. Lots more feeling and emotion invested in the lesson. Perhaps everything occurred just as it was meant to.

What I learned from this:  I felt as if I was too heartbroken to go on. Like here I had allowed life to enter my heart once again, and had it pulled right out of my chest yet again. Hurt, lost, defeated. Why? What had I done? How could the Universe have sent me this experience, allowed me to feel the life returning, only to pull it all back away again? Well, for one, I was blinded. I saw some issues, some warning signs. Was that the purpose? To show me, since I have very little frame of reference for these things? Now I know that feeling, that warning. I wont ignore it again. I have become stronger for this experience. In a year when I look back at this post, will I even remember what it is about, the pain that it caused, the relief that washed over me when I finally understood and accepted the lesson? Because now, what 3 weeks ago seemed an impossibility, I feel content. I understand. I got my answer. And most importantly, I have peace. I know that this is my path. Even if you only traveled it with me for such a short time, you had a purpose in it. To show me that all that glitters is not gold.

To remind me that I am powerful beyond belief and that I am stronger than I know. That my own spirit is invincible. That I am safe. I am protected. I was looking outside of myself for that. Doubting my own abilities. This was a wake up call to remind me. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, CIN. I had a carrot on a stick dangling before me. The perfect "situation" ( or so it seemed as it was presented to me ) and I took the bait, so to speak. Honestly. Faithfully. Pure of heart. It got me hurt, but not for the reasons it could have. I did nothing wrong. I should be flattered. You know what, I think I am flattered.

At this moment, I feel that it is not yet quite complete. Our paths may yet cross again. I still feel that energy out there. But my lesson is to hold fast to this realization. Perhaps a bit more closure coming my way? We will see. This post will be the landmark of the experience. I will use it to track if any further energy associated with it comes my way. But most important is that I do feel a sense of peace and closure with my realization. My understanding. 1. it was a lesson in trusting my intuition. 2. it was a lesson that I am strong. 3. it is a lesson that when good things go away, better things will come. ( this is where faith and patience come in ) . Allow that feeling to permeate my being. Know it, trust it. It is my support system protecting me, guiding me.

Thank you for the lesson, as hard as it was. Thank you for caring so much about me, I am flattered and honored and I return the emotions. Thank you for walking my path with me. I feel the shift. I have entered a new phase in my journey. Scars taking the place of open wounds. Reminders, of lessons learned, pain and joy. The promise of a bright, new life ahead.  Relief. Strength. I am strong. I am protected. I am loved.  I understand.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

If I Could Turn Back Time

If I could turn back time, would I? And if so, how far? Would I go back to before the cancer, to save my beloved? Hell yes I would. But what would my life path be then? I know that he and I agreed to this long before incarnating in the physical, so I would be altering both our paths, changing the lessons needing learned. In so many ways, that would be selfish of me. Though I would still do it without hesitation. But imagine that I could, still, but only these last 2 years. Would I then? Maybe. Again, lessons needing learned on this particular path I have chosen to travel. My companions and I have also agreed to this. My question is, is there a happy ending? Do I find my prince? My second soul mate. Do I become someone's everything? Certainly I would love to go back and relive the last 2 months again. Some of the best days of my life. And I would not change much. I would savor the moments, commit them all to my memory banks, cemented even more so than before. Perhaps try to alter a few details. Maybe that would have made the outcome a little better for us all. To relive over and over the wonderful night of the Blue Ash concert. To revisit the Brew Ha Ha and the walk across the bridge, the wonderful dinner, and then the next week the adventure to Bobby Mackey's and the mechanical bull, the second walk across the bridge, the lock, locking hearts on the fence above the water. How much fun. I must have faith that there will be many many more moments like these, and even better ones to come. Friends made and then lost, regained again. Romances rekindled. Concerts and festivals and Kings Island all relived. Dancing, the margarita incident with Bonnie and Dave, bon fires. What a wonderful summer. And all in the last 2 months. So yes, yes I would turn back that time, if only to reexamine and enjoy those moments again, to glean that smallest bit more of experience from them. If I could change them, make them better, then so be it. A second chance. But you know, maybe the second chance will come, even without altering time and space.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Red Stag

He enchanted us with his magnificence, the beauty of his movement. Majestic, regal. We held our breath, silent, awestruck as he passed within feet of our shelter. Ears perked, he turned, looked directly at us, steam blowing from his nostrils.

I felt you stir, nearly imperceptively. Sensed your fingers tensing on the rifle, your heart beat quicken, felt the heat from the slow breath you exhaled, tickling the short hairs behind my ear. Something stirred inside me. I dared to look up, to peek at your face, full of eager concentration. You looked down at me, eyes softening, a small smile slowly crept across your lips. A thought passed between us, unspoken, yet fully understood by both. You reached for me, weapon forgotten, pulling me close, the warmth of your breath mingled with mine, tender embrace coupled with soft kisses come harder. The world washes away as we know only each other, alone together in our forest paradise, dusk becoming night, starshine sparkling in our eyes.

As we rejoice in the closeness of us, the red stag shakes his head slowly in gratitude, and ambles off into the trees.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Random Musings Of A Confused Mind

That is a scary name for a post, now isn't it? Well, I guess it was well earned because I certainly have been confused lately. Last time I was feeling this way I was reminded that it was because a shift was coming and I was clearing old stuff out to make room for the new stuff and coming into my power. You know what? I think I have cleared plenty of crap, and cried more than my share of tears lately, so its about time to get this party started and get the new and improved me unwrapped.

There is so much I want to cover in this post, but I can already tell that it is not going to come forth. Wanted to speak on grief, and how it has really been kicking my butt lately. Bringing back old issues to grieve on, and also the new issues of the loss of a friendship that I was so dearly loving. And the questions associated with that loss. So new heartbreak. And you said you would never break my heart. I meant it when I said I would never break yours. Seeing the place changing for the seasons has been hard on me. There is so much to do, and I haven't the energy, nor the resources to do it. The farm house needs to come down. That, of course, will be hard for me. And how I would love to have a big broad shoulder to lean on for that. I'm really tired of doing all this on my own. I mean, I have been doing this for two years now by myself, and while Chip was so sick, I did most of it myself too. And I am independent. I am strong. But sometimes you realize that you want someone on your side. It is becoming very apparent that I need to sell this place and run. But do I want to leave all the memories behind? Home is where you are. Chip will follow me wherever I go, I know this. I don't really want to spend another winter here. Florida sounds so nice.

Been babysitting for Courtney and Brad and I just love Griffin and Reagan. These people have been so good to me. I feel like a member of the family, like they really care about me.

Trying to have some adventures as well. You know, the life's too short thing. Rode the bull at Bobby Mackey's on Saturday. That will be another post.  Next up, firewalking. And if I get some help, getting Buck into shape and riding him.

And memories are really pouring in. And signs. Maybe just maybe I am coming into myself again. God its been such a long time and I really need to find my way back. I want to be happy and secure again. This time last year. Remember? God how I wish I could feel those feelings again. I was starting to. Cant we please? I know what I mean, even if no one else does. That joyous, overwhelming high on life feeling, where you can't think of anything else and everything is wonderful? You feel so safe and secure and happy. Like singing and dancing for no reason. Yes, I want that back.

No more tears, Cin. Life is too short. You have to have faith. You have to have patience. If it is meant to be, it will. And will be 100 times better.

Monday, September 8, 2014


Yes, Cin. You need that. And so you wait. You wait and wonder. You wait and wonder and dream dreams of what could have been, what may yet still be. You made a new friend that said they wrote the book on patience. Take a page from that book. Let it teach you well. But is it fair to have patience in something that may never come? If I knew it were coming, then yes, yes I could have patience. It would be well worth that. And that would be considered faith. Another of my lessons needing learned. Again and again. How many times has my faith been tested? Dreams shattered? Heart broken. All lessons.Damn, I am going to be so smart when I cross the veil. Lets hope some of the rewards come to me now. God, I am a hopeless romantic. Oh, baby, I know you are watching over me right now. You see my "adventures".  I pray you will continue to walk beside me and offer me that big broad shoulder to lean on, strength and encouragement.

I was told by same friend that I have a big heart. Why yes, yes I do. And that heart would never ever deliberately hurt anyone, or break another heart. Why am I so driven to love so much, and to want to help and heal others? If I have a gift, then why is it not coming to fruition? Why are those in my life backing away? The inspiration is fleeing. I feel as if I am chasing a dream. The vision of a life lived well and in love. And yet it still eludes me.

Have faith. And patience. The Universe will send me what I most need, and desire. In the perfect time. REMEMBER if it is meant to be, it will. Patience.

There are so many things I want to do, and see and live, and it just seems like none of them are happening. Where is my second soul mate? Where is my book? Why do I not have the energy to write like I used to? Where is my inspiration?  A new set of lessons, then? To open my eyes and heart? I was so inspired several weeks ago, felt alive and energized, ready to take on the world again. The book was rattling around in my head, tossing out a sentence here, a paragraph there. Was it you who gave me that inspiration? Ah, yes. And there was a lot in that too. My stupid, big heart. As always, I need to relax and allow.

You may understand this post. Maybe it is way too cryptic. I will remember. I will know. It is hard to let go of some things, things that I dreamed were coming true. I was feeling alive and inspired and eager to see each new day and what magical times it held. Actually looking forward to things. I was making new friends, friends that I was coming to care a great deal for. A sweet little girl named Stella, how I miss you. I hope you miss me too. Maybe someday we will play again.

I have so many dreams. There are so many things that I have yet to accomplish. Perhaps there is a camel race to ride in somewhere??  And no doubt, books to write and seminars to give. Will I be able to realize my dreams and become a healer?  I have been in such a state these past few weeks. And that after being so happy and inspired. What a huge disappointment and let down. And so I must center and ground and find myself once again. It is time for the old Cindy to return. I have hurt for far too long, I have grieved for far too long. I want to live. To love. To give my heart and soul to someone who will do the same for me. To write. To heal. To help mankind in any way I can. It is time to relax and allow and be one with the universe once again. It has been such a long time since I have felt Chip close. Felt Spirit near. Felt inspiration knocking at my door. I got myself lost. And I had hoped that I was found again, but, alas, it was but a mirage. Perhaps another time, dear one. But I must concentrate on me and rekindle in myself that fire that brings forth my destiny. I had all but given up. It is now or never. I pray that I will re-connect and start experiencing the wonder and beauty of life once again.

I allow. I allow the Universe to provide me with all that I need to be happy and successful in every area of my life. The right people and circumstances shall find me, at exactly the right time, and we shall be happier than we have ever been before.

My prayer is that you all will too.

Many loving thoughts to you all tonight. All our dreams will come true. Have faith. Have Patience.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Reflections From The Future

Dear Cindy of September 4, 1994,

Here we are, 20 years in the future, September 4, 2014. I'm here to tell you some things. Things that I have learned, that I wish you had known then. Maybe you would have changed things, changed your path in life, but probably, you, my brave, sweet soul, would still forge ahead with faith and confidence, even knowing then what I know now.

You see, there is a lot to come. A lot of pleasure, but a lot of pain too. My dear girl. Cherish and savor these years. You truly are living in innocence right now. You are at your prime. Your career is going strong. You can ( and will ) accomplish many things. You will go beyond your comfort zone and will try many career paths. You will be successful in each one. Well liked and respected. But you will want more, different. You love to learn and do new things. Right now, we are at a standstill. We don't have the strength to decide what it is we want. Our hearts are broken and we are not ready to put ourselves out in the working world. You see, grief is a bitch. Oh, but I am getting a bit ahead of myself here. Lets start at the beginning, with some things that you should know, but in a sort of condensed version. After all, if I tell you the whole story, then what is the joy in discovering it all yourself?

First, kiddo, live. Live your life. Live unafraid. The bad stuff is going to happen and you cant really stop it even if you tried. Its destined and all. But don't let that stop you from receiving the joy that life has to offer, even amidst the pain. Like I said, you are going to have all kinds of experiences. From helping a cow give birth ( many many times over ) to training horses, to living in love with your soul mate, Chip.

 And love. Love with all your heart. No matter what. You are going to discover that you will love many people. Some of them deserve your love, some will not. Or so it will seem to you. Of course, Chip, the greatest love. Our soul mate. We will love and lose this great man to a terrible disease. But don't let that stop you. The love and joy will overcome the pain that we will endure. And he will remain beside us always. You will understand this better when you experience it for yourself. Then Ronnie, your twin flame. He will teach us that we can love again. And feel alive again. There are many lessons to come from this love. Your heart will break. Hang in there. Hang in there. Love is ours. Have faith, dear one. You could choose to alter this course. Run, go another direction, on another path. But in doing so, would you learn those things most needing learned? There are some who will hurt your heart. You will question the need to go on. Your hope dangling by a string. But those who are meant to be in your life, will be. Faith. Patience. These, my dear girl are the lessons you most need to learn. The ability to let go and allow. Love and companionship seem to be a very important focus in our lives at this time. I know from much reflection that this is due to our great loss of the great man, Chip. We feel the need to be whole. Yes, we are whole and complete in and of ourselves. But we also feel the pull of his heart. There are soul mates out there. Meant to walk this path alongside us. Friends, lovers, companions. We just need to be patient and allow this love to come to us and  to build and grow. From broken hearts will come the true love that we have sought for all eternity.

You will be betrayed by friends and family members. But you will come to decide that life is too short to hold grudges. Let them go. They are on their own journey. We assist one another in those lessons. It is a gift from one to the other.

You will have lots of adventures, small ones compared to what most people experience. At least for right now. Perhaps in our future, we will have some big adventures. But for now, we are content. Concerts, festivals, dancing, tattoos, doing lots of things we have never done before.

We have made a few mistakes in the past 2 years. Maybe acted a little hastily on some decisions.  You see, I have figured that life is too short. Too short to deny yourself the things that you really desire. To hold back. To be afraid. ( oh, but believe me. I am terrified ) I have put myself out there. Probably made a fool of myself with some people ( this is personal, so I will let you find that one out for yourself) , but all in the living. We must walk our path. I have met some wonderful people these last two years. I have loved. I have danced. I have cried. Lots. I learned to drink, and to share many drinks and bon fires with my beloveds.  I went to Kings Island and rode every one of the roller coasters and the rides that I was so hesitant to ride before. Yes, even the Drop Tower and the Delirium . I have put aside my shyness and stepped before a crowd and danced my heart out at the Remains concert in Blue Ash, along with some dear friends. I dared to share my true essence with some.  I opened my heart and allowed people in. Some have broken it ( as stated above) while others have become an indelible part. Unforgettable. And even if things are not the same, I do have the memories. Those count for something, even if we still wish that somehow, things could have stayed the same. But maybe that is opening the door for something even better. Dear girl, everything we have experienced has made us who we are today, and those experiences still to be had shall create our future self.

Oh, Cin, there is so much more to tell you. But better you learn for yourself. I guess what I mean to say is that you will be ok. For the most part life will be calm and boring and lovely until Chip passes, and then you will get a little crazy. But I am right here. You are safe. You are well. You can do this. Don't let the pain and fear cause you to close yourself off from these experiences, as each one is orchestrated exactly for you, to help you advance on this journey through this physical life. There are many books to write, many people to help,  there is much life to be lived, and most importantly to us, much love to be shared.  Our future self awaits. And I have a feeling it is going to be one hell of a great time.

Travel well.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Otter Pops

That's a crazy name for a post, isn't it? But it popped into my head and I figured it was time to post here anyway. I was pretty busy and happy the last couple of weeks, thanks friends. Alas. The concert in Blue Ash, the one I had waited for all year, was even better than last year. That day will forever be in my heart now as well. But sadly, I am now very sad. I just don't understand. I hope it is just a temporary thing. But I am about to give up. I spent the last three days crying so hard my eyes swelled shut. I have to stop having expectations, because then I wont get disappointed. The last two weeks were the best I have had in forever. You know, I don't think I can continue this post right now. I am really grieving. And I am tired of grieving. I want the life that I have imagined these last few weeks when I was feeling so happy, safe and secure. When will that come? What have I done? Why? These past few days, the ability to look to the future is eluding me. I want that feeling of being overjoyed, loved, safe and a part of something. Ah, people, prayers appreciated.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Confused, And Inspired

Had a really weird feeling last night. Kind of excited, kind of calm and knowing. Like I know something good is coming, but know that I can be patient and it will get here in its own good time. Couldn't sleep either. I think I finally fell asleep around 4:45 or so. Then in and out until around 11:00. But definitely a good thing. Also confused by some feelings I am having, too personal to post, but I know it is all part of the process. I will figure it all out. But the underlying feeling is that everything is going to work out just fine.

Love Y'all

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

You Should Have Been There

That goes for a couple of people I know. Because it was fun. And it would have been even more fun with you there. But I met a few new friends and got to dance with them, and that, my friends, is what life is all about. Dance, dance, dance. I met a widow who was married over 54 years. Lost her husband three years ago. And we danced. And Barb, who lost her husband almost a year ago. And we danced. And several other fine ladies who probably have wonderful husbands or boyfriends. And we danced. But you weren't there. And you should have been. Because life is more fun that way.

And I received some signs. Man, I don't know how I couldn't have thought it was a sign. First the thought before bed last night, then the dreams of turtles. Then today at the store, seeing turtles everywhere. Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Remember, Cin. More important to recognize and show thankfulness for receiving the signs than to ask what they represent. That will come. I think I already know. But I allow and accept all help from Source and the Universe, gratefully.

Rather than try to force and push, as I almost always do even though I know better, I will relax and allow. My path lies before me. There is no rush. My destiny will unfold as it is meant to in the time it is meant to. Books will be written, goals will be met, dreams will come true. Love will be shared. I will become a wonderful, awesome, powerful teacher. Student. Soul. I have all the time in the world. The rest of my life. All things that are meant for me, will come at the right time. And life will be better than ever.

Join me.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Thoroughly Content And Exhausted

Just got back from walking at the community center and then swimming at Bonnie's. Got a good workout tonight, and I need that because I have noticed that I am getting a little rounder lately. Haven't gained any weight, but maybe lost some muscle? Let's get that off there and build that muscle back. So I am feeling very exhausted and very calm. Going to jump into bed early and get some rest. I think I will go on a shopping adventure tomorrow. And then to the concert tomorrow night. And yay! The Remains at Blue Ash is next week, not this week, so we are going. Looking forward to another barbecue chicken pizza. Sigh, yes, I remember last year and how awesome and magical it was. And this year is going to be 10 times better! I have earned it!

Night all!!!   

Thank You For That Conversation, E

Last night I had a conversation with a friend. And in that conversation, many important things were brought up, insights, advice, support, realizations. Nancy and I laughed and she reminded me not to work so hard. Not to look so hard. Relax. Things will come to me in the right time. When I am not looking, that is when they will come. Where have I heard this before??   And then with E. And he pointed out a few things that I had not thought of. Very sage advice, my friend. And you, E. Your Opus is arriving. Victory is on its way. And we shall write your book, your story too.

Yes, Cin. Remember what he said about Roman Candles. Burning bright and hot. Burning out way too quickly. Slow burn. Smoldering. Never being extinguished. That is truth. That is the fire I seek. Now to practice your advice with Nancy's and wait for the fireworks!!

To Infinity And Beyond!!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar.

This was a good week. Monday night, dinner with the cousins. Marianne in from Hawaii. Pizza from NYPD. Tuesday night, Dinner with Bonnie and Dave (and Chip)  and back to the house for birthday cake. Thursday, Kings Island. Watching Pru's face after riding the Bat- priceless. Friday, dinner with the cousins again. Saturday, birthday party for Reagan. Missed the horse drawn princess carriage though since I had to get back home. Sunday, breakfast with a friend, then a trip downtown to visit a movie set. Awesome!!  Then a great chat with Nancy, Steve, Eric and Sherry, while searching with my metal detector for buried electric lines.

Now I wonder what this coming week will bring. Will I have stuff to do? I need to go put in my resume to become a production assistant on the movie set. Kings Island? Lunch with EGB on Friday. Tuesday is a concert at the community center. And Friday night is the Remains concert at Blue Ash. Lets see how that goes, as that will be a bittersweet night. And  I was hoping that I would have my new friend to go to that one with. I wish you well, my friend. You gave me some things to ponder, some insight, some inspiration. I hope that I gave that to you as well. Keep your head up. No Fear.

So many lessons. Some are harsh, some are pleasantly surprising. I love surprises, the good kind. Please, no more bad ones. But each day is a new day, with new experiences, new lessons. The sun comes up, the world keeps spinning. It is what we do with those lessons that matters. I am determined to graduate from this class. Time to move on. I will learn.  I will write. I will teach. I will heal. And right now Gone Gone Gone is playing. That song pulls at my heart. Do you feel it? Do you feel my heart calling out? Just as I felt the pull of his heart this time last year, I can feel the pull again. Who are you? Where are you? What adventures will we share? I pledge to be cautious, to use the wisdom I have gained this past year to its greatest advantage, for the greatest good. I feel the energy right this minute. It is positive, high. That anticipatory feeling of good things coming. Oh, my, yes. The best is yet to be.


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Long After You're Gone

But you aren't really gone, are you? You are here beside me, always have been. Always will be. And I feel you here. I felt you tonight at dinner with Bonnie and Dave. And you are here now. When we came home for cake, Dave said if you blow out the candles, he's outta there! Bonnie and Dave kept me laughing the whole time. I needed that. I needed them. I need you. I need light and joy and happiness. Love and laughter and bliss.

Happy Birthday, my love. We honor you with our love. You were the most amazing man to walk this earth. I shall never love another like you. I shall raise a black Russian to you tonight. In your honor. For eternity, I am yours.

Happy Birthday Chip!!!

With all my love.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Storm Inside Me

Was going to blog last night but just couldn't seem to do it. I had a wonderful day with Bonnie. We went to see the Diana exhibit and then shopped for some clothes for our trip to Florida ( that's right, I actually did commit to a trip! ) then had a great meal at El Rancho Grande ( no margaritas) and back home for a nice campfire. The fire was hard getting started but finally Bernie's black magic did its trick. And then the thunder and lightening and rain. So off to the patio for some fun with Dave's ringtone for me. Hey, Dave, we all had margaritas that night! Sigh. What would I do without you guys? So after all that, I was left feeling a little alone and down. And I can't mow today because it's raining. So looks like a boring day today for Cin. Gonna watch a movie and clean the house.

Don't stop believing is playing. One of the theme songs for my life. I feel a little confused today. The Blue Ash festival is coming up, the one that was such a magical night for me last year. I hope I can rediscover the magic again. The night that I could actually recognize that I was finally coming back to life. The opening to a new path on my journey. Holy crap! I just just just now realized this: "journey", "Don't Stop Believing". How have I never made that connection before? I guess it was meant to come just now, may not have meant anything before now. Just allow, Cin. All will come to you as it is meant to.

This has been a crazy week. In a good way, or so I thought. Lots of fun times. I found new inspiration, new words to share. Tonight I feel so blue though. Took a long walk in the clover field. Then went to town to get cat food and Burger King. Then to the community center to contemplate walking and having my burger but I figured I would just go on home and share it with Annie. Travis is going to be on the radio show Tuesday night so I am really excited for that. I am rambling. There are so many feelings and thoughts going on in my head, and I really just need to sort them out and then maybe they will flow. This week I got my first manicure and facial ever. And I got to have a lot of fun with Kelly and Barb and even made a new friend.

There is a sort of disconnect here. I feel the energy pulling back from me. I hope contained within it is all the negative energy that had been swirling about lately. I have felt so good, so inspired, so connected the last few days. And I have realized something. I don't have to worry anymore. Worry about what's going on, what people are up to. But that makes me sad too. I know this doesn't make sense but I don't have the words to describe it and don't want to give too many details. But I always worry about everyone I care about. Are they safe? Are they happy? But I cant make a difference with my worries, so I have to release them . And that will give me peace. I only have myself to worry about , and that is plenty, believe me.

I hope the stars are out tonight. I need a good walk " naked" beneath the starry sky. What is this? I don't recall feeling like this before. A heaviness. I have felt so good and happy all week. Have I taken on someone else's feelings? I need to center and ground and clear my energy. Perhaps those things that no longer serve me are finally sloughing off, readying me for new and exciting adventures. What lies ahead, on this path? Well, I am just going to be patient and calm and allow it to unfold before me. The storms may have made things a little slick and muddy, but tomorrow the sun will come out and dry the earth and I will resume my journey, refreshed, anew.

Love to you all.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Just Had To Do This

Ok, I came across this and I know that it is pretty rude and crude, but really, it is pretty funny. And oh, so relevant. So here it is old friend, I know that you will enjoy this:

Really, we ALL know someone that this pertains to, don't we?

Keep Your Head Up

It's getting late and I am a little tired tonight. Just got back from a great walk around the community center with a friend. Actually, I have been running all day, from lunch with the J.U.L.I.E.T.S. and then out with Kelly for a manicure ( my first and her treat!!) and then for the nice long walk. It certainly is a wonderful night. The air is crisp and cool, the sky is clear and the stars are bright. Annie and I went for a quick spin in the back yard and for some reason, my hands don't want to type. I am going to take that as a sign and make this a quick post, jump in the shower and into bed.

We all have our trials. We all have our pain. Sometimes it seems as if it is completely unbearable. I know. How many days have I felt as if I could not take one more step. Looking to the future only held fear of the unknown and a feeling of hopelessness. And yet we plod along. We persevere. It certainly is not easy sometimes, and it is so difficult to see the blessings coming our way, when we are so enshrouded in the fog of indecision and fear. But my counsel to you, my friends, is : Keep your head up. Always look upward and forward. To the stars. To infinity and beyond. For sometimes, at the darkest moment, the clouds part and the sun begins to shine through. And perhaps then, even better: the rainbow appears. Look up. It is there, just waiting for you to discover it. And no matter how many clouds obscure the beauty, eventually they will part and the magnificent color will arc across the sky, in all its glory.

Thank you to the beautiful souls who joined us on our walk tonight. I honor you and send you love for gracing us with your presence. Again, as I have removed the stress and discord from my life, I am feeling more connected. I am ready. Show me the way. We have much to do here.

My friend. We are both at a crossroads. Yet at this moment I feel strangely calm, patient even. My message tonight was that all is well. There is no hurry. Enjoy the journey. We are supported from both sides, there is no need to fear. And you will receive your message as well. We simply need to be open to the signs, the answers will follow. Be at peace.

And always, keep looking up.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Look into the mirror. Look at yourself. Who are you? Why are you here? What is your purpose, your mission in this lifetime? Part of our journey is to find ourselves and discover our true purpose and then to work it for all its worth. Sadly, sometimes pain is involved, the catalyst to push us out of the comfort of the "normal" and into our true grace. Look at how many times along our paths we have taken a detour. That is all ok. We will always find our way back home, for home is the only place to be. It doesn't matter how high we have to climb, or how far we have to travel, the path will always lead to that place where we belong. And the more we learn along the way, the better for our growth. Better yet, the more we teach along the way, the better for our growth, and that of those who walk with us.

I have been blessed. I look at my reflection now as opposed to that of a year ago. A year of ups and downs, of lessons learned, hard won, some painful, some overwhelmingly joyful. There is more grey in my hair. A few more wrinkles around my eyes. But those are smile lines. Proof that joy does exist. Each scar that I bear is proof of my strength and ability to heal. And look at your scars. Look at how far you have come. You, too, have overcome hurdles, survived many storms. Felt incomparable joy. Grown in so many ways, some as yet undiscovered. What a beautiful adventure we are having. Everything that I have encountered in my life has brought me to where and who I am today.   That much closer to discovering the truth of what it is I am here to accomplish. What good I can do for mankind. How I may be of service to this universe, ourselves, our God.

Tonight I feel a bit closer to my purpose. The words are flowing again. My book, my dears, is now calling to me. Oh, and I feel the approval of the universe on this. It is as if someone is standing beside me, hand on my shoulder as I type these words. I have felt this before. It is acknowledgement that I am on the right path once again. For a while I had stepped aside, tried to work at something that was not in alignment with my true path. My intentions were good. But alas, I had gone astray. No no no. Wait a minute. I cannot think that way, for everything that happens to us has its purpose. And as I noted in a previous post, I was meant to step aside for a while in order to learn some valuable lessons about myself. I got the clear message " Remember who you are". And looking in that mirror now, I see the reflection of myself. Of a soul on a path to not only its own awakening, but to assist in the healing and awakening of others as well.  These hazel eyes of mine are shining, reflecting the light that emanates from within. Yup, there are people out there that need us. Let us go and discover and hold their hand. They are waiting.

Look into your mirror. Look into your eyes. What do you see?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

To New Friends

Well, I made a new friend tonight. This post is dedicated to you, you know who you are. Thank you for the great conversation tonight and the great company. I would really love to know more about your journey. There are demons to conquer, Banshees to ride.

Each and every person we come into contact with will somehow, in some way, touch our lives. It may be as seemingly insignificant as the smile and nod given to a person who is feeling low and is then inspired to smile back and be encouraged that things are looking up, or it may be much much larger than one could ever imagine. The point is, we all are connected. We all have something to give. And that's what it is all about, people. Ha ha ha. Don't Stop Believing just came on. Sometimes we may never know the great impact we have had on someone, it really isn't about recognition, but rather about doing good, making a difference, being a messenger of hope and inspiration in this vast Universe. Oh yes, it appears to be a huge universe, but appearances can be quite deceiving. All illusions. The only disconnect comes from within our own wounded souls. And once we can realize that, the healing begins. The ripple effect. Your kindness to another will cause waves that continue outward, touching others as they go. It is not about who has what. How much money you make. What kind of car you drive, clothes you wear, house you live in. It is about what is inside your heart and soul. We can do so much.

I went way outside my comfort zone tonight, and I feel invigorated. Remember, Cin, life is too short. Get up and dance if you want to. If they laugh at you, then you gave them something to laugh and be happy about. Metaphorically, I got up and danced.   Remember, one of the things on your life list is to be dynamic. Crazy, maybe not so much, but dynamic sounds fairly distinguished, doesn't it? Bring smiles to faces. Strangers who really aren't since we are all connected. We should have got up and danced with the little boy in the diapers. That is what life is all about. He was showing us what it is like to live, to feel pure joy at being alive. He has not yet experienced this illusion called life. Not yet been conditioned to be fearful and cautious, to hold back. Oh, sweet little one. My prayer for you is that you never let the world taint your joy.

Wow, I am feeling a metaphysical theme coming up. I want to talk about time, not being linear. Past, present, future, and all that jazz. Signs and symbols and illusions and connections. Nah, another time. It's pretty late. But oh what a fun night tonight. I am not that same little girl that used to sit alone and contemplate life. Now I am out there living it. There are so many adventures out there.  And yes, we cannot save every person we set out to help. We are all on a journey. We touch up against each other and help one another and yes, sometimes hurt one another. All lessons. All a part of our evolution here in this physical existence. I thank each and every one of you who have touched my life, past, present and future.

And to you, thank you for bringing some music into my life tonight.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

21 Months

Twenty one months today. Wow. So many experiences since then. So many lessons learned. How on earth have I made it this far? It seems like just yesterday, yet it feels like forever ago as well. My love. And I have felt you so close these past few days. I need to raise my vibration again so that I am closer and more receptive. I don't really have a lot to say here, just needed to note that it was an important day and that I love and honor you. It is cool and breezy and sunny out today, very unlike mid July normally. The birds are singing in the back yard and everything feels peaceful and loving. I am coming back. I was lost for too long, searching for a dream that was not to come true. But now I feel awake and alive again. I have added to my toolbox a few new things. Lessons learned.

The inspiration to teach and write is coming back full force. I feel myself giving presentations on how to heal our grief and connect with the other side. I think it is time to start outlining my book and fleshing it out. Getting ideas together and making sense of them. I needed this. The lessons were hard and painful, but the rewards are going to be magnificent. Come on rewards!!! 

I love you with all my heart, my love. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Your love and support. I know you have been beside me every step of the way on my path, even when I took what I perceived at the time to be a wrong turn. I now know that it was not a wrong turn, but was a necessary detour, no not even that, it WAS part of the true path. And in looking at it that way, I find peace and contentment. Yes, all is well now. My love my love my love.  Always.

Dancing Naked Beneath The Stars

7/7/14 Still can't do this one, even after more than a week has passed. Not yet. One day I will be able to. It was such a beautiful night. Our two stars next to one another in the night sky. It was almost as it should always have been, as it should always be. To infinity and beyond. A wonderful way to honor what was. In the beginning. We should have danced this dance many times before and many times yet to come. How I wish the original love and emotions were still there. It is as if the Universe wept for us that night. I did the best I could. I believed in you and your words of love and support and forever. Another lifetime perhaps.

7/15/14 Decided to go ahead and post this. It was a beautiful night. We connected. It was dark and wonderful and starry and cool and we ran and danced around the back yard and had a wonderful time. The words above say enough.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It Was A Bus Full Of Nuns Holding Babies

Who remembers this song? You really need to be from Cincinnati in the early '80's to appreciate it to it's fullest as it has some great Cincinnati legends in it. Look it up on YouTube.  So awesome. I remember when it came out, and not so very long ago ( sigh )  we were talking and found yet another sign: that we both loved and remembered this song. And, really, that is pretty big.  Well anyway, just a quickie post to remind me of this song. Had a busy day today and did not get much sleep the last 2 nights so I think I will turn in early tonight. This weekend was so fun though.

Ah Goodnight and Peace to all!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Grieving, Signs, And Letting Go

There is so much I need to say and I am not sure how long the inspiration will last so I am going to type furiously while listening to Don't Stop Believing.

First, I have been doing a lot of personal work here. The grief has been unimaginable at times. Who really would have thought that I could have such a huge range of emotions over the course of a day. I go from totally silent and serene, to stark raving mad with despair. Never again will I think of a person struggling with disdain and impatience. We all have our demons. I thought I was stronger. Those who love and support me think I am stronger. But this is absolutely the second hardest thing I have ever been through. And in fact, the two are connected, related in so many ways. I used this example with a friend today, as she tried to understand why I am having such a difficult time " just let it go".  A girl with anorexia is absolutely convinced she is fat, even though she is not. Everyone else can see how thin she is, and the true beauty that lies beneath her skin, while she only sees fat and ugly. No one can convince her otherwise, for her mind is set. She surely wants relief. She does not want to torture herself and have the pain that she feels, is obsessed with, each and every day. So even though it seems so simple to everyone else " you are too thin. You are beautiful. You are unhealthy at this thin weight and need to stop thinking you are fat, you can do this, just stop it..."  She simply cannot see it. And until she heals herself, she will continue to feel that way.  I need to heal. I feel this overwhelming grief, and even though everyone else feels that it should be very easy ( for so many very real reasons, I admit ) it is difficult for me to get over. Oh, I can intellectualize it. I know for each and every reason why I should " Run. Run like your ass is on fire". ( Thank you Kate ) Yet my brain (heart) is looking in that mirror and seeing lack. Until I heal, I will continue to feel that grief, loss, lack. Just because you see the situation as very black and white, there is a lot of grey in it for me. I can understand how those who support me feel. I would tell them the exact same things if they found themselves in this same situation. Really, yes I would. But doing it is not as easy as all that. I cannot turn my grief off like a light bulb. It is intensified by all the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately. Oh, I am on the road to recovery. No question. I am determined to get through this grief and move on to a very happy and fulfilling life. I was so close at this time last year. But I got lost along the way. And was no where near ready to heal. Now, having worked through most of my issues, I truly believe I am on the right road. Grief is such a bitch.

Hopefully ( definitely!) after I have healed, I will be able to really help others wade through their own grief issues. Teach by example. I have a purpose, remember? And it is to help others to heal.

Ok, now something wonderful and really inspiring. Today, while waiting for Karen in the parking lot at Remke, I was nudged to write down a list of songs I wanted to download. I was writing the last song on the list, Gone, Gone, Gone, by Philip Phillips, feeling a deep overwhelming love, and suddenly, it began to play on the radio. I was so surprised that I burst into happy tears. What better a sign than that. Need I any more confirmation? This also brings me to the fact that exactly a year ago, I asked for a sign from the universe, and the next day was rewarded with a blue star balloon. And the bluebirds that flew past in the pasture, a blue I had never seen before, a few days later. Well, today Karen and I went to Big Bone Lick State Park and while hiking back to the parking lot, a woman was taking pictures and stopped and asked us if we could see that beautiful, strange blue bird in a tree. And sure enough, there he was, sitting above us, singing his heart out. The bluest of electric blue. The group of people that gathered 'round all agreed that they had never seen a bird like it. Hmmm... All signs, please please please tell me I am on the right path. Oh baby, please. You are still here. " I'll love you long after you're gone. Like a drum my heart will never stop beating for you."

Oh Silver Fox. Listen to Gone Gone Gone. That is who I deserve. And he has been here all along.

I am ready to be at peace. Open to receive the blessings of the Universe. I've strayed from the path for far too long. It is time to come back Home. Yes, words that have been repeated in the last several posts, as I see my evolution back to "humanity". Oh, my friends. May my eyes be opened, may my heart receive the message and healing it needs to move on. Overcome the fear. This adventure called life. Today I drove a long way, into unfamiliar territory, to go on an adventure with my dear friend. We did it! Next time maybe a little further. And then, who knows. Yes, there are the memories of this time last year. When I finally began to come back to life. I remember. Beautiful memories that cannot be taken away, not even by the harshness of experience. That is what I choose to remember. Those warm, breezy nights beneath the stars. Our stars. That was real. That was true. And on to new adventures. C'mon, Cin. Your new awesome life awaits.

Don't Stop Believing.

Yummy Civil War Guy, You still out there??  

Monday, July 7, 2014

Home And Belonging

Here I sit, amongst women who also painted with my mother on law Ann. I feel her here with us, as Appalachian Spring plays on the radio. How much more of a sign do I need to prove to me that I am right where I belong. Things are looking up, life is opening back up to me, or is it that I am opening back up to life. Syncronicities are working their way back into my world. I am feeling intuitive, feeling my guides near, feeling my beloved Chip by my side. I can see the gentle look in his eyes as he reaches out to touch my arm in a gesture of love and support. I am loved. I am safe.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

On Writing

"Write it down" he says. Well yes, I do. So that I can record all the wonderful things that have been said and done so that I can remember. Sadly, I was hoping that I would have more than mere memories. I was hoping that those wonderful things would continue "to infinity and beyond". But, alas, I do have the memories. And that way I know that what we said was true, and real, and not a figment of my imagination. I didn't make this stuff up, I swear. I am not crazy. But as I type these bittersweet words, my heart is ok. It is not hurting so badly, but rather feels at peace. Ending this chapter of my life, my journey, and beginning the next one. That is why I write.

As I look back at my older posts, I see my progression, and regression, through the trials and tribulations of life. I am learning. Right now I have learned to not be so needy. To not give so much so quickly. To be more independent ( as I always was anyway). To know that I am whole and complete just as I am and a super bonus for anyone who earns my love and trust. Over the past 22 years, I did not need to have these lessons, as I was blessed with the most honest, loyal partner that has ever walked this earth. Sigh. I should have taken what I learned from him and applied it here, but had no frame of reference to work from. I am ( was) totally naïve and did not believe that there would be such conniving people out there. It is just in my nature to be trusting, because I try so hard to be honest and trustworthy myself. If someone looks into my eyes and professes their feelings to me, I tend to believe them. And when it makes me feel so good and wonderful inside, I WANT to believe them. Yeah, I have to work on that. That and not wanting to keep in touch 24/7. Lesson learned.

You know that you are going to be ok when you cease to hurt any more.

This is all a part of my journey. And now that I am back on the path, I hope that things begin to escalate forward again, and I am able to quickly manifest my hearts desires. I pray for the strength to remember. Remember the lessons, and why I needed them. Remember that everything is going to get better and better. Remember WHO I AM. And I am surrounded with a great group of angels and guides to support me along the way.

This blog is a record of my journey, but I also intended it to be a source of healing and inspiration for others who read it and are going through the same lessons. Lately it seems to be just a sounding board for my "woe is me" feelings. Of course, I hope to look back on these posts and say to myself " wow, look at how badly you hurt over that and look at you now. You rock, girl! Life is 100 times better than it was when you thought it was the best back then."  Yes, life is only going to get better and better for all of us. You will see. And we will look back and say, " yeah, what was I so worried about? "

That is why I write.

For you Ronnie 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Chasing Forever

It's funny how life is. The things life throws at you. One minute you are going along, minding your own business, then BAM!!, life lobs something your way when you least expect it.

Have I not yet learned that I need to  relax and allow life to happen? To not try so hard to "find" the things I want and need. See, all the best things that have come to me have come when I have sent the intention or request out there, and then just let go and allowed them to come.

I had lost my way. I've been lost for nearly eight months now. Got caught up in all this drama and emotions. Where ten months ago I felt alive again for the first in a long time, the remaining time has been difficult. I have had many lessons to learn. Painful ones. And I know that I have posted my ups and downs here. There were times when I was in such despair, and then others when I was so uplifted and eager. One hell of a bipolar roller coaster ride. All lessons. Yeah, things crashed and burned, went up in flames. But from those flames, I emerge, the Phoenix. Reborn and new and fresh and ready to get back to my life purpose. I know that those of you who read this blog regularly have seen this coming for a while now, based on the posts and the hints contained therein. It just took a lot of experiences to piece together to form the final destination. I just needed to clear that negative energy from my life once and for all and now I need to infuse myself with positive healing energy.

My book has come back into my life, wanting some attention, but shyly- not demanding. I find myself writing snippets of ideas here and there, on scraps of paper or whatever is handy. As the idea comes into my head, I have to record it quickly, lest I forget. I am hopeful that I will begin channeling some good material again soon. I seem to have lost that ability during those difficult times as well. Everything seemed to halt. I should have seen that as a definite sign that I was not in alignment with my souls purpose. And oh, my intuition was screaming at me. Hindsight. But I am proud because now I realize that it really was my intuition and not just my imagination. And that demonstrates to me what my intuition feels like, so I know next time to listen up! In the past I had not had much need to use intuition. I was rarely in danger. So therefore, as it was little used, I did not know what it felt like. Oh, Friday night and last night it was banging me on the head with a two by four, and now I know why. Bittersweet victory, that. Don't tell me I'm not psychic. It's not just because I was suspicious and untrusting, its because you really were a lying, cheating, douche. Oh my, did I say that?? 

So my thoughts are winding down for now. I need to go walk and reconnect. More to say, but another time, another post. My thanks to the Universe for this lesson. May I use the knowledge I have gained wisely, for the greatest good. And NEVER go back there again. I am brand new, fresh, and this girl is on fire!!

Friday, June 20, 2014


It is Midnight and I have just finished up a conversation with someone that I have come to care very deeply about. Thank you. My head is pounding and my eyes are bleary. I have not slept well in weeks. This feeling of uncertainty and emptiness has been overwhelming. I finally feel that I can begin to think clearly. You see, sometimes you simply cannot do it all alone. I have been trying to be strong, not realizing that the real strength lay in being able to reach out and ask for help. Part of my personality is that I have to be the "fixer", I have to take care of everyone. But that leaves me empty and drained, and unable to take care of myself. It is time, actually it is way past that time, to accept that I need some help and to allow others into my life to aid and support me.

Thank you again, friend.

Aside from losing the love of my life, this is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I guess it is because my life has been so wonderful up till now. I have lived a very calm, peaceful and loving life. Then last year, things got turned upside down. First in wonderful, fun ways, but then in very stressful and painful ways. The stress and pain had caused me to stray from my path, to lose my connection to Spirit and all things dear to me. How could I have been so blind? I was so busy working on that situation and trying to hold on that I could not concentrate on living authentically. Now it is time once again to align with my true purpose, my souls calling. I regret the time that could be considered as wasted, yet have no regrets as there are no mistakes, only lessons. I pray that I have finally learned that lesson. I pray that my heart will now heal and I will be able to move forward again.

Thank you to my friends who are supporting me. I could never have imagined that this would be so painful, so hard. I must remember that I am worthy. I am whole and complete and awesome just as I am. I have made no mistakes in this relationship, only learned a great deal of painful lessons. As mentioned in the last couple of posts, I release all attachments to the people who have caused me so much pain. I send you off with love and thanks for the opportunity to learn and grow from this situation. Now I am free. You have no power over me, ever again.  When you run with the pigs, you get muddy. Time to wash off that mud and make some bacon!

White Tiger, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the lead of my support group. I send you much love and appreciation.