Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Screw You, 2013

After all of my accomplishments and adventures this year, I still must admit that the last 3 months of this year have sucked big time. All learning experiences, of course. But still, what a painful year for me. I need to keep things in perspective. Last year, losing Chip, was the worst year of my life and the hardest thing I have had to endure. So this pales in comparison. Perspective, Cin. And yes, I will now be moving on in my journey without someone that I truly believed to be an important part of my life. Perhaps our paths will cross again under more favorable circumstances.  But I do love you. And I thank you. Because I recognize the lesson in this. I learned that I am capable of loving again, with all m heart and soul. And the second part of this lesson will now be to let go and accept, and to learn to trust again. I have no regrets, for I know that this meeting of our souls was meant to be. I grieve for what was (though I will always have the memories.) And also for what could have been. Oh, This may be painful, but if I create my own reality, I can create healing for my heart. This year has been challenging,  but these challenges will enable me to grow in strength,wisdom and spirit. And therefore, I will enter this new year unencumbered, refreshed, and ready to receive blessings from the Universe. Lets do this.  Love to all for the best year ever. God bless.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Dreams

Merry Christmas! I pray that everyone has everything that they need and want. I wish you all love. Sending all of you wishes for all your dreams to come true. I pray that my dreams ( hopes and wishes ) come true as well. Be good, Be kind, Be loving.

Love and Light to all.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Better Days

Tonight is Christmas Eve. That magical night. The night that we feed the animals extra goodies. The night that, at Midnight, the animals will receive the ability to talk. And, as always, we want them to have only good things to say to us. So many memories of this night, many, many years ago. The night that Noel was born. And the discussion the next day. That magical day that I shall never forget. I knew then how much I was loved. Love. That is all that I really could ask for. The deepest, most powerful, never-ending love. And that is still all I ask. Santa, for Christmas, I would like to be loved. Loved like that. Like Johnny and June. And for everyone, everywhere, love.

You see, I feel like I am in between. Like I have already checked out. I know I have mentioned this several times lately. I am only half alive.  I don't really understand this feeling, as it is both physical and emotional. My body feels strange, is doing strange things. ( don't ask) I feel half awake, yet always half asleep, again physically as well as spiritually. I wish I understood what is going on. Why do I feel this disconnect? That's a great word to describe it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to step over and go home. But something equally powerful is pulling me to stay here. I am not finished here yet.

Everything is changing. The grief that I have been holding on to as if it were a security blanket is gnawing at me. It has kept me safe and distant for so long now. And now, I think, my heart (or soul) wants to live and breathe again. And I think that my ego, or whatever it is, is fearful of that change. "It's been so safe and warm and sad and lonely here. Why would we want to change that?" Why indeed. To be vulnerable. To risk loving and being hurt again. Fear that I will dishonor the great love that I hold in my soul for Chip. No, dear ego. For, you see, that is not the reality that I choose. I choose life. I choose love. So get the fuck out of my head and shape up. If you want to be a part of this production, you have to play by my rules. I am the creator here. I create my own reality. I choose life. I choose love. I choose happiness. Joy. Peace. Contentment.  True, unadulterated, unending, everlasting. My life is just beginning. And in this new reality, there is only love and happiness. The love that I have for Chip is forever.  A part of each of us connected, eternally. He knows and he wants me to be happy. To find my second soul mate. To live the rest of my reality, this life I am now creating, in love and happiness and joy and peace. To be creative and successful and to bring love and light and healing to others. To finally understand. To live.

And I know, dear White Tiger, that I do not need to do this on my own. I know that there are souls out there that love and support me. And I appreciate and accept that love and support. And return it.  And at this exact moment in time, I need to find this way myself. I can not feel guilty over going inside myself and being a bit selfish and nomadic. I am not pushing you all away forever. This is my journey and the path has just become extremely narrow at this point. Some of you will drop off and go, others will simply drop back and follow until the path widens out again. As I will do on your journeys as well.   Yes, the way has been hard this past couple of months, as everything is changing and falling into place. But I am walking in faith here. I know that I am experiencing the shift that is helping me to create this new reality. Then one that I so desire. And even though the fear is knocking at my very core, trying to sway me, I am fighting. I truly don't want to give up. So many decisions. And I am so afraid that I will make the wrong ones. I was never really good at making up my own mind. Always looked to other people for advice and guidance. But this is the time that I need to listen to my higher self and be at peace. So, I pray that the confusion clears and that I can make that decision, with no fear, no uncertainty and no regrets. I am praying that the Universe gives me a sign. Let me know for sure that the path I choose is the one to all my dearest dreams come true. And of course, for the greatest good of all.

Merry Christmas to all. A time of new beginnings. Love. Have faith. Patience.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Dreams

Most of my dreams zoom right out of my head the minute I awaken. There are only a few I remember and those are very special. Connections. I long for more. They will come to me when they are ready, or probably, when I am ready.

Then there are the other dreams. The imaginings. Dreams of a happy life. Fulfilled. Some of my dreams are fairly simplistic. A beautiful Spring evening under the stars, hand in hand with my love. Others require a bit more thought and action to achieve. Do I want to become a writer? Why, yes, I do. Do I want to have a wonderful home, set up with everything I need to be comfortable? Of course. Do I want the second love of my life to walk by my side? Absolutely!

Time to take some action and acknowledge these dreams. Work towards fulfilling the goals that will help them come true. Life is short. Before, we used to put things off until "next year", or the one after that, thinking that by then we would be better equipped to accomplish those dreams. Well, those years got erased. The dreams never realized. Now it has become apparent that part of the dream is in the living and working toward it. And then it will come true. So the time has come to live. Not next year, or the next. But now. Go forth boldly. This new year, I plan to do exactly that. I am not sure which dreams I will choose. I am not yet sure what all that will entail, but I will walk in faith, and enjoy the journey.

Come walk with me.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Emotionally

Another one of those incredibly emotional days. Oh, I have had a lot on my mind these past several weeks, and truth be told, the past two weeks have been a little more peaceful and relaxing so I don't really know why the meltdown today. Well, it is one year and two months since Chip transitioned. And looking back to this day last year, I believe that I feel pretty much the same. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, it seems as if the emotions are more raw now, than they were 6 months ago. I assume that it is just part of the process. And I have so many things on my mind. I have felt Chip more closely the last week. And that is good, because I was beginning to fear that I was losing the connection. Of course, when we come from fear, the connection does get looser. And I certainly have been very fearful lately. I know I need to just suck it up and be strong. But you cannot really tell someone that until you have walked in their shoes. This time of year is very difficult for me in many ways that most people would not understand. The tractors are hard to start. It is too cold. The water freezes. The hay diminishes. I worry about the cows pushing the fences, which I have not had the time nor the inclination to walk and clear. A good thing, yesterday instead of the snow and sleet that was expected, we got lots of rain. The creek is flowing now and flowing well enough that even if the temperature goes way down, it should not freeze solid. We got 5 bales out to them. Everyone should be content this week. And I am panicking about getting the cows in the barn so I can sell them. But I need to remember that I have done this many, many times. And I can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to, just need to remind myself of it.

One of the keys here is to have a positive attitude and to manifest the life that I desire. I have been very good at manifesting, so this should be a piece of cake. But first I need to come from the right mind frame and from love. And in order to get there, I need to center and ground and relax and allow. All things I have mentioned many times here. I have not been feeling myself lately, and it has been taking it's toll on me. But once I get myself back, I should be ready to rock and roll. And my health, physical, emotional and mental, should return as well.

I think that I am going to really try to do some of my life list things this year. Ride a mechanical bull, walk on hot coals, maybe even ride a camel if I can find one. Why not?  Important thing is to create the life that I want, that I truly want and deserve. I know that it is possible, as I have experienced the wonders of manifesting. So I just need to get in the groove and do it. Time to become a vibrant, magnetic, energetic soul.

Peace, Love and Happiness to all of you!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Happy Anniversary Blog

Wow, here we are, one year later. Hard to believe. I began this blog in faith and hope in the future, and as a journal of my journey through grief and despair, fear and pain. Now we are both one year older. I am not sure that I am wiser, though. Oh, a little bit, I guess. I have had many adventures in the past year. There have been lessons learned, for sure. I have lost and found my way back many times. All learning experiences. Looking back I am a little disappointed in myself for not finding and keeping myself. I know that I need to be gentler and kinder to myself, but still find it discouraging that I have not remained strong and enlightened as I wished. So many things I have learned. I have discovered that I still need to grieve. There are days, now more than ever, that I just want to hole up and cry until no more tears will come. I seem to be more sad, more contemplative. More alone. More alone than I was before. Why is that? What lesson have I to learn here? Why am I so afraid? Am I manufacturing fear? Of course I am. But for what purpose? What has my soul to learn from all this? So many months ago, I felt free and alive again. I opened my heart and began to feel, and breathe and trust and love. And it was so wonderful, so overpowering. So right. I knew without a doubt that it was right. My soul mate for the second half of my life. No doubts, no regrets. All signs pointing toward it. So why am I feeling the fear, the resistance? Life should be total bliss right now. Should be full of dreams of the future. A bright and happy future. So why am I so terrified? I can think of a few reasons. Fear of loss again. It is something everyone who has experienced the loss of a great love and then opens up to new love feels. Fear of having to go through all that again. That is one of the reasons. The key theme in all of my confusion is fear. And ego. But I must go back to the beginning. When I knew in my soul that it was right. Our souls spoke. Now mine is giving me a lesson. I shall pass this test. I will find myself again. For I will only be truly happy when I am at peace with myself. Strange how I have felt on so many occasions that I was evolving and growing. Becoming stronger, wiser, more grounded. You have walked with me on this path, have seen my struggles and victories. My soul cries out to be recognized. The lesson is here and it wants me to succeed. And while I am rambling on here, the words are flowing from my heart to the page. I know that they make little sense and the context fluctuates wildly, but I must allow them to flow for in them there is the answer.

In order to be whole, I must find myself and be myself. No one else can make me whole. And once I discover that, really realize that, then I will succeed. In looking back, I see that all in all I have grown and evolved. Even with the times that I lost myself again in the process, I have learned and experienced many things on this journey. And this new challenge is just another on the path. This one is more important to me than all the previous ones, because I sense that I will experience a huge amount of growth from it. I have always given all of myself. Always lost myself in the process of taking care of everyone else, and asked little in return. But really needed lots of love and reassurance. If this did not mean so much to me, it would not be so confusing. But then again, the fear is trying to control this. You see, this is a lesson in patience, and unconditional love, and trust and faith. In myself and in others. And I know that if I can overcome this one and learn, that I will have leapt a huge hurdle and that a happy, fulfilling life is on the other side of that. So remember this.

I have not blogged regularly for a long time. This is something that I probably need to start doing again. And taking more time for myself. I need to ground again. I find myself getting angry and impatient with people. I have been feeling disconnected with Spirit and the Universe lately. I need to reconnect and recharge my batteries. I have given too much of myself away. Time to recapture me and to center and ground. The stress has become overwhelming and is threatening my very existence. The knee jerk reaction to cut and run is a constant in my psyche. I am walking the tightrope. To either side of me is a choice. Give up, or find my bliss. Or stay on the rope. Two of those choices will kill me. Only one will bring peace. I choose peace. And yes, the fear will continue to knock at the door. My ego will continue to demand my attention. And I pray for the strength to ignore them and to open my heart and my soul to the reality that is awaiting me. No more depression. No more fear. No more doubt. I AM Cindy and I AM a powerful, eternal soul. I AM worthy of absolute, unconditional, eternal love and peace and happiness. And I shall share that light with all. And my soul is rejoicing that I am ready to take on this challenge. I have been afraid and confused for far too long. Reveling in the bliss of new love, hiding. Now let's get out there and bring on the bliss. I pledge to open my heart and soul and receive. I allow all the blessings that I deserve. True love and happiness. All good things. I pray that the Universe and Spirit guide me and give me strength to overcome this and to come to that place of Patience, Trust and Faith. I am going to pass this test. Hope you will all send love and light and energy for success. And love and bliss shall be our reward.

Lets do this.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Fear(less)

Ok, so I really did not notice how much I have changed in the last few months. But evidently everyone else has. Someone else has commented on how much more alive I seem, perkier, spunkier. My old self. I really thought that I was doing well. I mean, I was lonely, but never alone. We are never alone. But I guess that was just a fa├žade. It is kind of fun that I did not even realize it. I mean, I know that I am feeling better and am much happier, but didn't know that it really showed to others so much.

I do know that I have been doing more things around here that I was previously afraid to do. Now I feel empowered to go start up the big tractor and move some bales. Something that once terrified me is now just a task. So many things I have done throughout the years. So many things learned. Breeding cows, pulling calves, doctoring animals, putting up and fixing fence, along with all the normal things I have learned in the various jobs I have held. And let's not forget the hard job of being a caretaker. And of loving. There are so many things in our lives that cause us fear. Anything that is considered negative can generally be seen as coming from fear. The thing to do is to overcome and eliminate the fear from our lives. Easier said than done. But as in the above examples, I have found that once you conquer that monster, you tame it and it becomes your friend. It becomes a lesson learned and a source of power. You become empowered to move forward in confidence, and to assist others in their own travels.

Personal:  Remember this. It is just like an addict, needing that next hit in order to feel alive. Over and over and over again. The one time is enough. It IS. And that is what is important. It was given in truth, purely and freely and  It is in my heart, where it belongs and will always be. My heart and soul, the keeper of all. Forever recorded there, even if I cannot remember the exact words. The feeling is there, the meaning, the truth, the intent. Always. And time will not make that change. Just because the hit does not come again, or at least not as often, does not mean that the feeling does not continue, strong as ever. Be at Peace.

So my friends, although I have rambled a bit, the main theme of this post is fear. Or conquering it. Some things that I have discovered lately ( which I thought I was already doing, but now realize that I was still holding back a little ) :  I can sing and dance with joy, and tease and act goofy in front of people without being self conscious. Especially when I am with Ronnie, who is helping set free the crazy in me. I am capable. I am so full of love that it nearly brings me to my knees. I never thought that I would be open and vulnerable to anyone ever again.  I AM BLESSED. Time to overcome those fearful impulses and kick them to the ground. It is time to be free.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Whispers In The Night

Don't know why that is the title of this post, it just came to me. The topic though is still hazy. I want to talk about the bathroom remodel and how much of a crazy insane thing that is. I want to talk about Chip. And work. And all these crazy feelings that are running through my mind. I want to remember all of the wonderful things that have been happening in my life, that my loved ones have said and done for me. But whenever I sit to blog, the words just fly out of my head. I know that they will come when they are ready. That's why I haven't blogged much.

My spiritual growth continues, but in a more mature, knowing, peaceful way. I don't feel that desperate need to go, go, go. I find that I am giving advice to others, and needing less for myself. I have settled into a bit of a comfy, relaxed attitude about my journey.

Things are stressful with the remodel, and work can always be a stinker. I find myself walking into the room, halfway through demo, and am hit with a wave of grief that knocks me to my knees. How can something so fun and exciting as a new bathroom cause such angst? I think because it has always been a dream of ours to do this, and do it ourselves. And now I am doing it, but having someone else do the work, and without Chip's influence. It is just one more thing that is not going to be the same any more. And that is not entirely a bad thing. I need to continue to move forward. Chip is still here. He walks with us. I know that he is tsking and chuckling about the adventures we are having with the remodel. I know he is shaking his head at the drywall work and the painting. Yes, I see the imperfections too. And I know that if you were doing the work yourself, it would not be that way. You always did perfect work. You are perfect. So I guess that this is just another reminder that you are no longer physically here.

You see, I feel like this is my time. I feel like life is worth living again. It is an adventure. And I have some wonderful souls to share it with. I have been struggling lately with the stress and my emotions have sometimes gotten the best of me. But I feel that I am on the cusp of a big positive breakthrough. Patience is a big deal here. I am like a kid, waiting for Christmas to get here. I want it and I want it now. But the best things are worth waiting for. And really, time is going pretty quickly. And yet it nearly stands still. How is that? I have mentioned that in a recent post. But it is all perspective. Let the boring, lonely days go quickly and let the fun, love filled, happy days last forever. And Ever.
And then roll over in the bed, reach out into the darkness, and touch the warm back of your beloved, pulling one another into a loving embrace, soft kisses growing harder and more urgent, and whisper your love to each other. Always.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Patience

Seems like there are a lot of things in my life that are testing my patience. I really don't know. Really, I have the rest of my life. So why should I want things to get here so quickly? Maybe because I want the really good stuff that I know is coming, to come sooner. You know, the things you really look forward to and can't wait for. Some of those things include my bathrooms getting done. The contractor is having some problems with the mud drying on the drywall, and it seems as if we have been in limbo for a whole week. Well, we kind of have been. And then he is going to start on the other bath once this one is finished. This one, we are getting re-done pretty much exactly like it was, with the exception of vinyl instead of the tile that was in there. I am looking to simplify life, and cleaning grout is not on my list of favorite things. But the other bath, I think I will get some different colors and make it a little more fun. There are some other things too.....

Yes, I know this is a test. And I really have to calm down and be patient. Impatience does not get you anywhere. It only gets you into trouble. And I find that if I begin to get impatient, I can become a real bitch. Really. It is really hard to sit here and see the dust and dirt from the remodel, and the house in disarray. I am itching to have the house all clean and cozy. Everything in it's place and all my chores completed. But it will come. And life will get better.  Just calm down and go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

Life has been so enriching lately. I never believed that I would feel this way again, and I want more of it. And more campfires and fire water and love and contentment.



That book is knocking at my heart again. Maybe I should start working on it for real.

And now my mind is blank and tired. I think I will go to bed and read a little.

Love and hugs!

Monday, October 21, 2013

TIME

It is true, time does not stop for anyone, for any reason. And yet time is just an illusion. Something that we have created in this physical existence, as part of the journey. But while we are physical, time controls. Sometimes we wish we could turn back the time. Sometimes we wish tomorrow would come faster, or next week. But while we are living in a physical body, experiencing this game that we have created for ourselves, we find that we must obey the rules of this existence. Spirit is boundless, limitless. If we can remember this, we can overcome the illusion, or at the least, deal with it in a more effective way. Don't let it control us. Use it to our best advantage, greatest growth, greatest good for all. I have said here many times that I have not wanted to track the passage of time. The months, and now the year that have passed since Chip has moved on to Spirit. But it seems as if my thoughts sometimes come back to that concept, and I am compelled to note my thoughts and observations and feelings on the subject.

It has now been one year. For every day, every experience. One of everything without Chip. What a sad way to conceptualize such an event. But it is what it is. And in my heart, one year ago, I never expected to come out of this. Never expected that I would be happy, truly happy. Live with joy and love again. And you have watched as I have struggled, worked through, and come out the other side of my grief. You have experienced my pain and my joy as I have shared them with you. My friends have walked this path beside me and reached out with a helping hand each time I have stumbled. And I have learned so many things during this year.

I think the main thing is that you will never be the same. And that is ok. I have grown. Chip is always here, by our side. I feel him still, though I feel also as if he is stepping aside more often, to allow me to become the new me that I am destined to be. He has allowed Ronnie to step in and become a prominent part of our lives. I hope Chip knows that I want him to always be by my side. He is always a part of me, of our existence. I so dearly want to explain our theories as to why this has all come about like it has, but right now that is too personal to share. Just suffice to say that all is as we have always intended it to be. Chip is our guide, shining the way.

I have much to do here.  The important thing to remember is to live life. To love. To be free and joyous and whole. To share. Now is my time to live. I deserve this. To sit back, go with the flow, be open and receive the blessings that the Universe has to share. I see the three of us on this journey, arms linked, walking the path to enlightenment, love and joy. We deserve this. It is our time.

Old Stone House

You have been sitting in grand majesty for nearly 200 years now. Tall, solid, strong. Born of the rock that lines the creek beds, that sleeps in the hillsides, rising from the ground as if from a long slumber. You have sheltered so many families. Seen births and deaths. Witnessed the love and joy that emanated from within your walls. How many Christmas trees have stood in your rooms? How many meals has your kitchen served? When the doctor lived there, how many people were healed under your careful watch?

And when Chip and I met, he began the loving process of fixing you up. Rejuvenating you. Breathing new life into your tired walls. The kitchen completely gutted. New cabinets, appliances. The doorways that became a work of art, curved on one side, angular on the other, 2 feet thick. And the heart above the staircase. We did not complete that labor of love, as circumstances presented us with the home that I now reside in. And time took us away to other tasks. You were set aside, for another day. And perhaps in 5 years, or then 10..... Yet that never came. Life gets in the way. Shortly after Chip passed away, your front fell. Tons of rock cascading to the porch. Your way of saying goodbye? How fitting.

You are tired. You have served well. Done your job. You have seen so much.

Ronnie and I. Reverently entering. Great love and respect for all you have given over these many years. It was harder than I expected, to enter your halls once again. To see the once beautiful walls and cabinets and appliances, so lovingly installed, fallen and spent. No longer safe. As we peeked through each room, we reminisced. I told Ronnie stories that I could remember, of the cold winter days that Chip would spend working the drywall, layer after layer of mud, while I added wood to the fireplace to keep us warm. We came across the old invoices that Chip had prepared while working for Nichols, nearly 45 years ago. We found the pictures that were hidden on the top shelf of the closet. Memories that did not belong to us, but meaningful nonetheless. Then the basement, with the rafters broken and sagging, floor about to fall completely through. So sad. We scoured every inch we could, looking for treasures to rescue.

And now, my friend, you shall have your rest. We will lovingly bring your walls down. And in your place, a new shelter. A dream home. A new beginning. And you will live on. Not only in the memories, but also in the rock that you leave behind. Rock to build the fireplaces, and the garden walls, and firepits and whatever else we can dream of. The farm shall become a home again, a show place. Just like Chip had always dreamed of.  And so you shall live again. But remember, old friend, you shall always live on in our hearts.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I Never Thought

I never thought. I never imagined. I never would have believed. How could I live here without you? What joy could life possibly hold for me? You were everything to me. You are everything to me. How can an entire year have passed? Each day a struggle. Where has the time gone? A year. 365 days. So much pain, yet also joy. Accomplishments. Victories. New job. Tattoo. New beginnings. And each and every step of the way I have felt you beside me. Sometimes leading, sometimes following, but always there. You guide me. I have become a different person. Very different. Bolder. More adventurous. More assured in some aspects. Terrified sometimes. Not so much anymore. You have sent to me many friends.   I never thought that I would have hopes and dreams ever again. Now I know.

I celebrate you. We celebrate you. Celebrate life. This beautiful moment in destiny that allows us to see what lies beyond and know that this is a celebration. And that it is ok. You are the love of my life, my soul mate, my beloved. You always will be. You're here, I feel you. Thank you, love. Thank you for sharing everything with me. For watching over me. For loving me. And know. Know how I carry you in my heart and soul. Always.  My beloved. It is time to live. Time for love and joy and bliss and happiness. Dreams come true. You are part of it, every bit of it. I pray that you will continue to walk beside us. Guide us. Love us. I honor you. I honor everything about you. You were a great man. You are a great soul.

With your love, with your guidance, life once again has meaning. Because I am not done yet. There is so much more we have to do here. So much love to give. So much more love in store for all of us. And your love shines through. You tell me it's ok. Ok to allow. My turn. Give it all away......., you remember. To love and be loved so deeply, so purely. You taught me that. And you will go on. You are here. In every blade of grass. In the reflection in the eyes of each newborn calf. In the clouds and sun and moon and stars. In our hearts. In our souls. Always.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

My Dear Friends

You know who you are. My beloved friends from the community, work, around and of course, family. Thank you all. I am fine. I know I have been sporadic, to say the least, in my blogging, and in my facebook interactions and in most other ways as well. But, you see, I am so very happy. And busy. Busy just being, sometimes. Oh, and I am stressed, too. But that is different. Stress and love and happiness don't really mix, so I try to separate them and keep my chin up and only allow the love to surface. The stress comes from being overwhelmed, and from allowing myself to feel inadequate and unwise. This too, shall pass. But the love and happiness shall go on forever.

Thinking back on the past year, and my mind wants to shut down and disassociate. I honestly never realized how hard things really were. Somehow, I just kept my head up and plowed along with a smile on my face as best I could. It felt as if as long as I was positive, and putting on a good show and being a good example for others, then the pain would not be able to catch up with me. But it was there. And something good to know is that you cannot hide. It will find you. And the best thing is to honor it and acknowledge that it is there. You don't have to allow it to pull you under, however. Seek support from your friends and loved ones, and from professionals, if need be. Never, ever, ever give up. Had I done so, I would not have learned the things I have in the past year, even if they were hard won or painful lessons. I would never have made the accomplishments, had the victories.

Chip is still here, by my side. He is happy. He has watched over me and guided me and comforted me when I thought I could not take one more step. And for him, for him I walked through the fire. And I have emerged from the other side, cleansed by the flames. New. The phoenix risen. And the three of us shall continue together along this path. Living, learning, loving. Our wonderful new adventure has just begun, and it is going to be full of love and happiness and bliss. My dear ones, walk with us.

My dear friends, I love you all.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

A Weekend To Remember

And I need to keep it all in my memory bank. Time to shoo out some of the crap and make room for all of the new, wonderful memories, to add to the old beautiful ones, too.

Friday night. Blankets in the back yard, under the stars. Shooting stars. Signs. Then the biggest sign of all, the blue fireball that streaked across the sky. So freaking amazing.

Saturday, building the fire pit. From the rocks that Chip and I had gathered so many years ago, waiting to be built into a wall around the pond that we never got around to putting in. Now they are used. And it is beautiful. They all fit so well, perfectly in fact. We worked together, just like Chip and I always did, and loaded those rocks on the back of the pickup. And when we placed them, they looked so good. I know we had guidance. And then you pointed out that the spot we chose was perfect, and that he had made sure we would choose that spot by making the grass so much greener in just that one spot, catching our attention. Gathering the kindling and the wood from the old corn crib, perfectly split and aged and ready to go. Then a quick run to the grocery store because someone left the milk out all day. Raw cookie dough, devoured on the way back home. Then the cinnamon fire water. Never had anything like that. And it was magnificent. Then we lit the fire, and it was the most wonderful, beautiful thing ever. And we sat beneath the stars, the light of the fire shining in our eyes. Warmth of the flames, coupled with the warmth of the liquor. I laughed because you were sweating. Or was it because of the effects of the shot I had? Amazed that I could stomach that stuff, that it didn't taste half bad. That I actually enjoyed it. And Chip was with us. Laughing. Finally used those damn rocks, didn't ya! Roasting the metts and the marshmallows. Then going back in when the fire was burning low and tumbling into the warm bed.

Sunday. Rainy day. Cool. Good day to just sit around. Lazy. French Toast!!! You know.......  Then I went out in the rain to try to coax Buck to let me go for a ride. When I disappeared into the woods, you put on your shoes, ready to come rescue me. But Buck was too clever, and didn't let me catch him. So I came back, wet. Ah, well. Then watching TV, talking and we baked the rest of the cookie dough. Yes, I guess you are right, they are better baked, all warm and gooey.

Of course, I have left out some of the details. I hope that my memories will remain. The things we said and did that are just for us. And I won't over-analyze. You are teaching me that.

Love always.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Thank You

The healing has begun in earnest. First, I never expected to feel this way. In so many ways. For so many reasons. And then, tonight. This wave passed over me and all of a sudden I was immersed in the most terrifying release of  grief and fear than I ever thought possible. And the relief that I now feel is so tangible. I feel raw. Like when you rip that band aid right off. All this time I was plugging along, being strong and brave (or so I thought) keeping it all together, running the farm, taking care of business. Never allowing myself to really experience the emotions. (Oh, I thought I was, but on the contrary, now I know I wasn't fully allowing them). Yeah, I can do this, I am strong, I am independent. Huh! Silly me. And here we are. And now it comes. All of a sudden I am reminded of all of the challenges, how hard it has been. How alone I really was. (Chip of course is always by my side.) Do you know how good it is to have someone hold you tight and close and let you know that you are ok and that you are safe? You are here and you showed me.  All of this time I have been so terrified, and never admitted it. And it is ok. Because I needed this. My soul has decided that now is the time to really begin to live again. We are ready to heal. To be happy again. To love. To feel bliss and joy. To be whole again.  I have accomplished many things in the past 11 months, on my own. And it has been hard. Even though I have celebrated these accomplishments, there was always something missing. My soul knew, but was too busy trying to heal and grow from our pain to acknowledge it. Now we can feel. Now we are never alone. I am you. And you are me. And we are one.  Thank you, love, for this. To both my loves.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Calm And Relaxing

This is where I want to be. The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, mostly very pleasant. Being in love again is so refreshing and comforting. Work has been busy and stressful, and I have to consider that my co-workers are stressed so I am taking on a lot of their vibrations in addition to my own. Why I haven't realized before now that I need to just ground and shield myself, I don't know.  I dislike this feeling of being unable to concentrate and of being overwhelmed. And it doesn't help to feel inadequate. That's just because I don't know everything I want to know in order to do this job better. But I am learning every day and that is a good step in the right direction.

It is so funny to me that these posts ebb and flow so. It has been a while since I have blogged, both because I have not taken the time and because I have not had the inspiration. Just like with my book, the words will come when they are ready. So as I sit here to write, all of a sudden my mind goes blank and that is my cue to just relax and when it is right, the words will come.

Until then,

Namaste

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Signs

*EDIT* 
This was a post from last week that I forgot to publish, so I am adding it now.


This is one of those posts where I feel the need to share, but the words are hiding from my consciousness. So much of the past 11 months has been filled with both sadness and awe. There are so many things that I have experienced and it is really hard to believe that it has been almost a year. In looking back, I realize that I have done so many things that are not in my nature. I have become a new person. Oh, I am the same old Cindy as always, but I have added to my chest of experiences. Who would have thought 11 months ago that I would be where I am today. 11 months ago, it was the end of the world. My beloved soul mate transitioned to a new form of existence and I was left behind to pick up the pieces and ford this terrifying river on my own. Oh, he has always been by my side in spirit, I know this. But it was still very hard to forge ahead, feeling like one half of the whole. Look at all of the things that I have done since, though, the courage that I now know I exhibited in sharing my fears and dreams and experiences. So many things. Perhaps they seem trivial to some, but to me they are big steps. Each and every step of the way, I have learned something valuable. From the sheer joy of dancing to a live band, to the incomparable feeling of finding new love. I have learned that I can feel again.

And I must admit again that I am doing so many more things than ever before. And there are many adventures to come. Life is too short. There is a mechanical bull to ride, hot coals to walk on, a horse to train, love to be made. A book to write. Seminars to give. My spirit is filled with the longing and anticipation of new adventures and excitement. Live life with joy.

Ronnie and I are comparing all of the signs we are noticing that point toward our coming together. There have been a couple of big ones for me. And for him as well. And the feeling in my heart is one of contentment. There is no doubt here. I have not felt this whole in a long time.

Each person grieves in their own way, in their own time. I believed that I would never get over and through this trauma. However, I have begun to realize that everything in my life this past year had occurred in an accelerated manner. As White Tiger would say, I am a powerful manifester. I don't want to waste a moment of love, joy and happiness.

Perspective

Today was a rough one. It started this morning as I was drinking my coffee . Out of nowhere, a huge wave of grief washed over me and I was completely paralyzed with it. I felt totally incapacitated. Here we are, 11 months was the 15th, so we are going on the one year anniversary of Chip's transition. I wasn't really thinking about it at that moment, but it must have wanted to surface because it blindsided me and knocked me over. Probably because the sun was in the sky just the same as one of those days last year, and the shadows on the yard looked familiar. The temperature. I began to remember those terrible days, the pain and the fear and the horror of watching the love of my life begin his transition from the physical to the spiritual realm. And I couldn't stop the memories. They were ready to come and would not allow me to block them. So I rode it out. And it was hard. I had not thought that I would feel this way. I was prepared for the anniversary and knew that on that day I might have some emotions, but feel like I have been pretty stoic for the most part. Every one has told me how strong and brave I have been through all of this and I have had very few breakdowns, and none in public. So this was different. And I let it flow. God, it's hard to cry in front of people, even those you know and care about and feel safe with. And I got a lot of support. I was able to realize that my inability to focus and concentrate for the last couple of weeks is directly related to this. That my grief has been building and it was time for it to express itself. And now I feel better. Purged. So I realize that things may come up from time to time, even when I think I am ok. The best thing to do is just to acknowledge and allow and feel the emotions that surface. It is all healing. Chip is here, he does not want me to hurt like this, but I have to work through all of the stages, and honor what comes. This is all part of the process. So here we are, in a very vulnerable situation. I am expressing what I did perceive as weakness, but know and understand now is actually strength. Things will continue to get better and better in life. You will see. It is all in how you look at it.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Busy Being Happy

Seems like a while since I have posted. I have been having so much fun that I haven't taken much time to blog. The words are right there on the edge wanting to come out but just don't seem quite ready yet. Usually when this happens, I sit here, grasping for words and don't feel as if I make much sense. This is turning out to be one of those days. But really, I needed to check in and say hello.

Something I need to post about is the reactions of loved ones when you decide to move on after the loss of a great love. I am fortunate that the majority of my family and friends are being extremely supportive and are excited that Ronnie and I have found one another and we are so very happy. That makes it so much easier to enjoy the bliss of a new and wonderful relationship. As I have mentioned previously, each of us grieves in our own way and in our own time. In the beginning, I was resigned to the fact that based on the amount of love I had for Chip, that I may never love another again. But as I have worked through my grief, I have begun to realize that not only was I beginning to long for a companion to walk beside in the physical, but also that Chip was encouraging me to do so. Looking back at some of my past posts, I can see where the idea was emerging that someone was on his way, and I began to feel the pull of his heart. I probably resisted for a while, out of love and respect and probably a little guilt. But once I opened up and allowed, my knight in shining armor appeared. I don't want to make this a personal post, but rather one that is encouraging to others who may be going through the same thing. When you are ready, you will know. Without a doubt. Before, I had felt doubt, was confused and off balance. Now I know that what I have is real and true. You will know. And it will be ok. I have no doubt that Chip is behind this whole thing, loving and encouraging us. I believe that Ronnie and I are destined to be one. And now that I am having this feeling of peace and contentment, I know that it is right and good. And you will too.

Remember, there is always room for love.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

A New Way Of Thinking

This is the beginning of my next step on this wonderful journey. Those of you who have been following me along this path, have come to know me, and my deepest feelings. The ups and downs and joys that I have experienced. One of the greatest challenges after the physical death of a loved one, a soul mate, is in becoming open to new relationships. You have experienced my grief and pain, and the struggles I have encountered, the questions I have posited as I try to understand what the next step will entail. I have always known that Chip and the Universe were sending me a companion to walk beside. I had no idea when or where, and was both impatient and hesitant. How could I possibly open my heart to someone else. Chip is my beloved, my soul mate. I felt the pull of my new companions heart. He was close. Who? Then, with the advice of some very beloved friends, I understood that I must just relax, allow, and release to the universe, and trust in my inner guide. Remember the job??  Well, as soon as I began to follow the guidance of my higher self, along he came. And my heart has told me that it is ok. And so has Chip. He is here with us and he is assuring me that all is well.

It feels as if Ronnie and I have known one another all of our lives. There is a connection. The only other person in this world that I have felt like this with is Chip. One thing to make quite clear, I feel at complete peace. Now I know what my inner guide has been telling me. Previously, I had been confused and unsure, not trusting my gut. Not having a frame of reference was making it difficult for me to come to a clear decision as to what I was truly experiencing. No longer. All has been revealed to me. As I struggle to find the words deserving of this post, I find it difficult. I am trying to let you know that this is a huge, terrifying step for those who have "lost" their beloved soul mates. No one will ever take the place of the one you have loved so dearly. But I now know and understand that there is always room for love. Each person that enters our heart, our soul space, has their own place. Each is here for a reason. Our loved ones want us to be happy and fulfilled. It is all about love over there.

It feels like this is a good place to put this post to bed for now. My mind is tired, in a good, satisfying way. I have not felt such clarity in a long time. My beloved friends, I have reached a new chapter, one that includes both Chip and my new companion, Ronnie. As always, I hope that you will follow us as we make our journey together, on this incredible adventure called life.

Namaste

Monday, August 26, 2013

A Quick Post Before A Good Night

Tonight I feel incredibly grounded and at peace. Chip is by my side and I had a wonderful, encouraging, comforting conversation. And David, my dear David has come to my rescue yet again.
He showed up with my tire all repaired and put it on the tractor for me. You know, he has been looking out for me lately, and I really like it. He is all concerned about getting the garage all cleaned out so that I can get the Mustang in there for the winter and won't have to worry about scraping ice and snow. Hmmmmm. Who else used to worry about that? He knows how hard it was for me Saturday and I know he understands. Do you know how good it feels to know someone cares about you?

And the conversation tonight gave me some great insight. I think I feel better and better about the whole situation. I hadn't looked at things that way, and it makes a lot of sense. And it also makes me look forward to the future with open arms and open heart. I am being directed to close this post and go relax. I believe some insight is forthcoming and I should go and prepare to receive.

Sending light and positive energy to all. All of your dearest dreams for the greatest good will come true and we shall all rejoice together in our victory.

Love and Light !

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Inspiration (In-Spirit)






I usually don't show the real me to people, at least not until we have known one another for quite a long while. It is easier to allow people to think that I am quiet and not very deep. I don't discuss religion or politics, don't like to participate in debate of any kind. Therefore, people may think that I am, at the least, uninformed or disinterested, at the more extreme, possibly, unintelligent. Really doesn't matter. It is very difficult to share what is in my heart. Not necessarily because I don't care to share, but mostly because most others do not understand, or care to understand. This makes it very difficult at times, to live in my truth. So many times when I am "nudged" with information, the inspiration strikes to share. However, when I try to explain my thoughts, feelings and experiences to others, they tend to look at me as if I have sprouted an extra head which has begun spewing obscenities at them.

In living authentically, I have become more open, tentatively, with certain people, feeling them out, so to speak. But generally, the people that I know personally and see often do not know the inner dimensions of my heart and soul. I also know that part of my purpose on this path is to change that. To summon my courage and to share my inspirations with all beings. I believe that as I become more and more accepting of this fact, and more and better prepared, the insights and inspirations will become stronger, sharper, more regular , easier to understand and interpret, and will flow more smoothly. It is getting close to that time for my self created veil of ignorance to unravel and expose the truth behind the veil.

And in looking back at my posts, I can follow my own evolution, and the times I perceived that I had fallen back. I now know that there is never a time when we go backwards. We are always, constantly moving forward. These moments are just points in which we are  beginning a new lesson, a new way of experiencing, a new chance to overcome a certain obstacle and move to the next stage of our journey. We may perceive it as going backwards, but truly it is just a new beginning, an opening for forward motion.

Some days I am deeply inspired, others no words will come and I am left grasping, trying to fill the page and explain my feelings. I am beginning to realize that at those times, when I felt like the Universe and Spirit had abandoned me, that actually, I was just in a period of rest, gearing up for the next step on the path. And the fact that most of these steps are seemingly small and "unimpressive" allowed them for the most part to enter my mind unconsciously. I really only have acknowledged the larger, more obvious insights, the times that I received signs,  nudges, channelings, messages, etc. That is when I truly felt the connection to Source and Spirit, and felt like I was truly on the correct path. And of course, the big things have only happened occasionally, so the rest of the time I have felt left out. Now I know and understand that this form of thinking is incorrect. All is flowing smoothly, as it should, in the appropriate time and place. If not for the "dry" times, I would not recognize and appreciate the blessings I am receiving. Yes, I truly love these moments when that peace washes over me and I begin to receive insights and advice, to feel that great connection to Spirit and Chip. And even though, still, the words that I want to express do not always come, words that can truly convey the meaning of the "feelings, insights and thought forms" that I am receiving, I have a deep knowing that, in time, they shall.

Be Inspired


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Post Two, Reflections On A Week Gone By

Last Friday night, fantastic concert, good friends, White Tiger messaged me, met some new friends, felt loved and needed. Saturday, flirt with new friends, campfire and s'mores and margaritas ( really don't go well with marshmallows) with Bonnie. Sunday, more of the same and helping Gregory set up a profile on the dating site. Work week, busy. Ella and Reagan there to play with. Friday, super busy at work. Hopping. Success. Satisfaction. Last night, Friday night. Boring! Where the heck did everyone go? And now we are back to today. And so far David has come over to help me and get me motivated. We pulled the trailer up to the house and now I can go out and start loading it up with junk. Oh, but it is really hot out there and maybe its just better to rest up for tomorrow. Clean the house. Read. Meditate.

The other thing about the week past is that I have felt really connected. If you read this blog you have noticed that I have not posted as often as usual. That's because I have been doing so many other things and been concentrating on connecting rather than writing. Really, I am just following the guidance I have been receiving. This weekend is shaping up to be one of those "go inside yourself and reflect" kind of weekends. I just got a nudge to take out my metal detector and have some fun. Maybe that means there is some treasure to uncover.

I believe that I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. The concepts are there, but I can't seem to put them into words. It feels like I am straddling a fence, one leg on each side and I can go either way. I really want to express my feelings here, but maybe they are too personal to share right now. Maybe best saved for my private journal and perhaps that one special friend ( ok two special friends ) that way I can get a male and female perspective. But recently I have discovered that I am learning to follow my heart and have been receiving guidance as to how to proceed. At this moment, it is fairly quiet and gentle. I take that to mean that I am doing ok. I believe that if something important needs to happen, my guides will get my attention, and help me find the right direction. The important thing is just to settle in and enjoy the ride. Not be attached to any certain outcomes. And that is what I had been guilty of previously. And now that I have released my attachments, I feel so much more at peace and things seem to be flowing more smoothly. OK, I have finally admitted to myself that my mystery Civil War cowboy (  General McHottie ) is not likely to ever cross my path again. But the fantasy was fun. And more importantly, what ever would I do with him if I got him?
So, yes, things are flowing well for me now. Letting go and allowing are hard things to do, but once you do that, things start to come to you. Remember this, Cin. Listen to the guidance. Universe, I AM ready to receive all the gifts you have in store for me. I trust You.

Many Thanks

Thank you David for being such a good friend. You came out today in the unbearable heat and helped me get some things done that I could not have done without your help. And you discovered the flat on the tractor. Are you kidding me! Well, now both tires will be fixed and hopefully stay up from now on. Thank you for the encouragement. This is really hard. Going through all of this scrap and old tools and equipment. Now I can start tossing stuff on the trailer, get the old shed cleaned out and ready for demolition. I feel Chip looking over my shoulder right now. He is letting me know that it is ok. He knows how hard this is for me, and why.

So thank you, my friend. You are a good man. I needed that push, that motivation to move. This is a lot harder than I could have imagined. It explains my previous urge to just cut and run. The coward's way out.  I AM strong. I AM capable. I AM Cindy, and I AM freaking awesome!

All in good time. All things I desire will appear.

My friend, you will never know how I love you.  I am so grateful to call you friend.

Many thanks.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Another One Of Those Magical Nights

This connected feeling continues still. More so than it has in a long time. I am very cognizant of the fact that I am controlling the results by my attitude and emotions. When I am grounded, things flow smoothly. When I am stressed, and desperate, things do not flow. Should be pretty easy to decide which results are best.  I am sure that the moon has a lot to do with both the angst I had been feeling, and the drive to overcome it and the resultant sense of peace and contentment. Since talking with Gloria on the show Tuesday night, I have felt inspired and energized.

Dave called me this evening and gave me a much needed pep talk. Bonnie invited me over for dinner and birthday cake to celebrate Gregory's birthday. I have made a new friend. A couple new friends actually. Got to encourage Peggy again today, let her get some things off her chest. I feel as if I am serving when I can give someone a reason to smile. And of course last night had dinner with my Beth.

The more relaxed and happy I am, the more inspired I become. The latest madness I am considering is perhaps a Donato's franchise.  Yeah, let's just add another big ol bunch of work and stress to my plate. But I could do it. Or something like it. That other thing that I was told of the other day, White Tiger? The Universe knows what it wants from me. I will trust and allow and see what comes.

And that book is asking for some attention as well. Knock knock knock. It is asking to be acknowledged. I am ready. Let the words flow. Let divine guidance lead me in the right direction.

Most important of all is I feel so connected again. I really do not want to lose this feeling. My life purpose is right there, my path waiting to be recognized and acted upon. Chip is leading the way. I have some good friends who are walking alongside. The possibilities are endless. But all roads lead to bliss.

Let's Do This!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I'M Back!

Yes, I am still here. It's been very busy these last several days, in a good way. Feeling very much grounded and at peace. I sat down to write tonight and am now discovering that I am being led to wrap it up and go relax with Chip. Many things are appearing. I have had a couple of insights. One of them is a business idea that really sounds like fun, and makes me laugh too. And I am feeling inspired to write more. Just not tonight. So I am going to honor those nudges and follow their lead. Peace, my friends. Good things are coming to each and every one of us. Make that great things.

Love to all!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

ARRGHHHH. This Is Tough!

So it seems as if I am really on a roller coaster lately. Oh, hell, who am I kidding. I am always on an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday was a day of lazy contemplation and grounding. Today started out rough. Bonnie came over and we started to go through the shed/barn to get it cleaned out and ready for demolition. It took every ounce of emotional strength I had to not lose it. Every thing I picked up was some little treasure that Chip or Bernie had squirreled away for "just in case we need it". Who am I to decide what is worthy of keeping and what is to be disposed of? They used to keep all the old hardware, rusty nuts and bolts, screws and nails. And all the old tools, and horseshoes, and bits of wood and metal. And all of my gardening stuff, the pots and flats and tools that I gathered to use in the greenhouse that I would someday run. All precious memories. All things that I wonder why we kept, but what will I do without? Isn't life hard enough right now? Do I really want to welcome this pain into my life as well? See, it's all about change. Things seem to be changing so. And nothing I can do will stop it. Even the fields are evolving. Trees that he and I would stop and rest beneath are now blown over by the storms, laying in the woods waiting to be converted to firewood, or to return to the earth as compost. The shed needs to be removed and replaced, as well as the fence in the yard, trees removed, excavation done. I want everything to stay the same. That is where all the memories are. It feels as if I am throwing away our past. It is just so hard because these things meant so much to Chip.

Then there will be a new barn. It will be completely unfamiliar and I just don't know if I will be able to create new memories with it. In so many ways, my scared, childlike self wants to just run and never look back. Instead of being excited for getting things accomplished here and making the place beautiful, I am so paralyzed by the inhibitions I am experiencing.

And you know, also I am wondering if I will ever be important to anyone again. Will someone look forward to hearing from me? Will someone feel that excited trill in their heart when they think of me and wish that I were there right then to give a big hug?  Will someone stop what they are doing and think " Damn! I wonder what she is doing right now? "

Again, these are hard emotions to put into words. Being vulnerable is scary.  But when I look back at this post sometime in the future, I hope that all of this is resolved and I will have a deeper understanding of myself and my emotions. This is a process, and nothing comes as easily as we would like. I know that there are others out there who are going through the same things. Feeling the stress and guilt of having to move on with their lives, in every aspect. I realize that up until now I have been pretty much stagnating. Because it was safe. Safe to ignore the fact that the old barn needs to be replaced. Safe to keep things just as they were because that is where it was comfortable and familiar. Because that is where I imagine Chip was happy. But safe is not necessarily a good thing. I have been growing, awakening and evolving. And the more I want things to stay the same, the more I prohibit my own growth. And Chip is all about me growing. Remember how excited I am when I learn new things and have new experiences. Last night I was out until 2:00 again, having fun with Bonnie, chasing phantom 4-wheelers in my hayfield ( a story for another time). And making friends with some dude on a website. And getting that tattoo and going places I have always been afraid of going, etc. etc. etc. These were not things to be done with Chip. We had our own adventures together, and we had our own "out till 2:00" times. We have our own memories of all the love and good times we shared. And just like he had his super adventures before we met, the encounters with the movie stars and all the traveling and horse training and showing, now he is telling me it is my turn. And as much as I wish I could have these experiences with him, I understand. Now is my time. He is still here with me, he will share all of my adventures, every step of the way. And a big thing I am getting from him is that I should not feel one ounce of guilt. I am to go and live my life and find bliss. He gave me a message this morning in my sleep, and I am so grateful for it.

Things are going to be ok. I have a deep sense of peace and contentment right now. I know there are people who care. I know that my mentor is on his way. I know that I am on the path to discover my true purpose and that I will have a peaceful blissful fulfilling life. I will be able to help others with my words someday. Someday, people will read my book, or attend my seminar and find healing and peace. And each step of the way, I know that my beloved will be by my side.

In the awesome words of Journey:  Don't Stop Believing!

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Another Magical Night!!

Bonnie, Dave and I went to see the Remains again last night in Blue Ash. God, how I love them. Never, ever would I have imagined that I would be putting myself out there in front of thousands of people, dancing. There was this incredibly funny and charming guy dancing up front with a group of girls ( well they were all about my age ) and we were watching him and laughing and when Bonnie and I went down to dance to "Don't Stop Believing", he started to dance with us. It was so much fun.

Plus I have made a new friend. His name is Ronnie. That's all I know for now, since we are chatting on a website. Thank you BMK, he thought your response was funny.

Looking back, reminiscing :


Now, who could that be?  Hot blooded, high strung Arabian, in full Park attire; flat Park saddle, double bridle ( 2 bits, 4 reins ) running martingale . Looking back 30 years. Good seat, good leg position, but girl, get those hands down! And I still won!  Chewie was quite a handful. They gave him to me because I was quiet and shy and they felt that I would be a good calming influence on him. The adventures we had! I remember that Anthony tried to ride him once, and Chewie flipped over backward with him. Then I got on him. Back then I was fearless. Or stupid.

Oh my, that reminiscing can be dangerous. I have just spent the last couple of hours looking at old photos and just chilling. Happy, yet bittersweet. Reminds me of all the things that I love in this world.






More words inside, but my sense is that they are happy being unsaid right now.
So, do I consider that I wasted time today, or do I look at it as if I have had a wonderful afternoon of relaxing and remembering? Sometimes you just need to take time for yourself and refresh. And this week I was kind of contemplative. After all, I have been learning that my impatience is not serving me well. No need to hurry things along.  Best to chill, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride. And remember, remember, remember that I always feel closer to Chip when I am grounded and happy. And right now, that is exactly where I am. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Healing

It is hard to believe that it has been 10 months. Where has the time gone? On one hand it seems as if it were yesterday, and on the other, like eternity has passed. This is harder than I thought. Typing this post while at lunch because when I get home I am going to be good to myself. I am going to take White Tiger's advice and take a nice bubble bath, and light some candles and just be. There is so much I want to share here, but it is so personal that I am going to break my "vulnerability and openness" clause and keep some stuff to myself. Yes, you are correct. When I look back the past 8 months, especially, I do see how far I have come. And strangely ( synchronistic ) enough, last night , earlier, I spoke with Chip about all of the accomplishments that I have made since. And was planning on listing all of these things. And I shall, in my private journal. That is why it is so hard to believe the passage of time and how strange it is that it seems both quick and  everlasting. My heart sometimes feels a lifting, peace and openness. As if all is well and all will be well. This is the sensation I strive for, long for. To have this always. But life does not always play by our wishes and sometimes my heart still wants to break.  So the point is that, based upon some good and welcome advice, I am going to be good to myself. Kind, gentle, loving. Chip would want this. He does want this. It serves no one for me to be so hard on myself. Wow, grief is such hard work!  You run through all the emotions, from feeling guilty for being the survivor, paralyzed with trepidation for the future, angry for being left behind, to longing to soothe that ache in you heart and soul. And missing your loved one like crazy the entire time. That is what this journey is all about. No one said it would be easy. But I do have faith that it will all work out. Life will become fun and happy and fulfilling. And I mean that for everyone who is grieving. But, God, it's rough. In experiencing all of these feelings, we will overcome our hurdles, grow and evolve, become stronger of heart and mind. And our loved ones are ever near, cheering us on. Loving us always.

Hang in there!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

One Of Those Amazing Nights

Tonight is one of those beautiful nights. Perfect temperature, perfect blue skies, perfect white fluffy clouds. The sun is reflecting off the Sycamore tree, making it glow. White Tiger gave me some insight, and I feel at peace and calm. I got a strong hit of intuition last night. And I had another epiphany, and it makes me feel peaceful and grounded. I am also going to talk to my dear friend Cheryl tonight. Life is good. And I feel spirit all around tonight and that makes me relaxed and happy as well.

Nothing much else to report tonight. Just want to journalize the feelings that I am experiencing. Annie and I walked the clover field and took a good long time, just meandering and putzing around. Yeah, just want to remember this.  This is a good feeling.

Hope you are all feeling this wonderful!

Namaste

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Path

Had a lot to think about tonight. And really, I think that I think too much. Get it? Sometimes you just have to relax and allow life to come to you. And I have been trying way too hard to chase it. Someone reminded me today that things have been flowing for me, that they have been moving forward. While I have felt as if life were stagnating before me, he gave me many examples of how things are moving right along. There is so much I wish to accomplish here, and I am ( as always) feeling impatient, looking for signs and feeling dissatisfied with my own progress. Silly me. After he pointed out numerous details, I realize that things are moving quite quickly. And that explains a lot of things. How many times do I have to remind myself that things will come to me at the perfect moment. I have to stop wishing. There are things that I (think I ) want, but if I just relax and allow, they will come to me. Would I rather be patient and get exactly what is right for me, or be impatient and just settle? Settling would not serve anyone. Life feels a little hard right now. And I understand that this is of my own making. I am not complaining, mind you. This is a happy post. Since you are not hearing the inflection in my voice and seeing the expression on my face, it may be difficult to ascertain that. I am just at a pivotal point in my development right now where I realize that these difficulties are lessons that must be learned and the hurdles overcome before I can evolve to the next level. And believe me, I am ready to evolve. I do not want anything holding me back, and am ready for the next step, the rewards of peace and tranquility. When I am able to realize certain key things about myself ( I will keep them to myself right now and just speak of the lessons in general terms ), and let them go, work through them , realize them for what they are, overcome them, they will cease to be roadblocks in my way and the path will open up. And that is when this journey is going to get REALLY fun.


Hope all of my dear friends will join me.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Untamed Majesty

The ground is cool and firm beneath my feet, the tiny white clover buds tickling my toes as I step gingerly across the field. A warm breeze drifts through the woods that lay before me, rustling the leaves on the trees, brushing 'cross my face, ruffling my hair. I reach up to brush the bangs from my eyes and see a flash of white in the underbrush. A few quick steps and leaning down and I find myself face to face with a little black whiskered nose, peeking through the rose bushes. Coaxing with an upturned hand, I draw the little fox out from the bush as he sniffs and licks, looking for a treat. I remove the backpack from my shoulders and pull out a sandwich that I had packed for the walk. He perks up and sits back on his haunches, begging. Laughing, I tear off a piece and hand it to him. The fox gracefully accepts my offering, then licks his paws and washes his face. His comical behavior makes me laugh and he looks up quizzically, as if to say " what's so funny?". Slowly, I reach out to stroke his soft, grey fur, and he leans into me and closes his eyes as if in bliss. We continue the walk, my new companion and I, as the sun begins to go down in the western sky. Small creatures, rabbits and mice, do not scatter before us as I would expect, but sit calmly, observing us. They seem to intuit that we mean no harm and simply greet us and wish us well on our way.

Deeper into the woods, it is much darker than in the clearing. The canopy of the trees creating a ceiling of branches and leaves. The air is much cooler here, and the ground smells rich and earthy. I decide to go back to the clearing, so that we may watch the stars. We head to the East, to the nearest opening through the trees. Just as we reach the clearing, a large horse emerges from the wood opposite ours. He strides directly to us without hesitation and stands before us. His coat is a beautiful grey, speckled salt and pepper throughout with black. He favors his right front, and I step to the side to see why. A long gash crosses his right shoulder and looking down, I discover his fetlock is also cut, a thin piece of wire wrapped and tightened around it. "What have you done here? " I ask softly, as I bend and begin to gingerly unwrap the wire. Finished, I run my hands down his leg, ensuring there is no damage to the ligaments or bone. Satisfied, I rise and give him a quick pat. His soft lips nuzzle my neck and tears prick my eyes as I watch the little fox step forward and begin licking the horses leg, soothing the torn skin.

My two companions and I continue our walk. The path is clear and smooth. The sun is nearly down and the stars are beginning to twinkle in the night sky. White horse, white fox, they glow in the dusk, as we trek across the field. A shooting star streaks across the sky, catching my attention, and as I look back down, toward my destination, I see a figure standing near the edge of the field. My soul calls out in joy as it recognizes this new companion, and I find myself running toward him with no conscious effort. Chip has come to join me on this walk. We wrap our arms around one another and then I reach up and cup his face in my hands, running my fingers through his beard. We begin to walk the loop, clasping one another's hands. No words need be exchanged, for all is felt between us. The evening seems to last forever, lost in the love that we share, as we feel and experience our unending connection.  As we come round the last part of the loop, he nods to the darkened sky, indicating the lateness of the day and turns me toward home.

Fox and horse follow us to the fence line. I give each a pat and a kiss on the nose, then watch as they each turn and amble back to their wood, knowing that we will join together again soon. I duck beneath the stand of electric wire and straighten back on the other side. Chip is still with me and my heart leaps at the realization that he will be staying. He takes my hand in his and we turn toward home as a thousand shooting stars streak across the night sky.

Bravado

Yesterday at the reunion was just plain strange. In some ways it was more difficult than I thought, and in others it was better than expected. Does that even make sense? A large number of people did not feel comfortable approaching me. Only the closest of Chip's cousins actually spent time talking with me. Their discomfort was palpable. This is the first time I have seen the majority of them since Chip transitioned and I found myself feeling guilty and sad for making them feel bad! What on earth! Death certainly does make people uncomfortable. My closest cousins and nieces and nephews were the rocks that I needed to get through the day. And of course, I went in with no real expectations. Rather, I went there with an open heart and mind - just live the day and see what it brings. All in all I felt pretty comfortable. Chip was there, although I was so busy and distracted by the number of people and action going on around us that I did not connect with him as I would have liked to. There were only a couple of times that I had the urge to run, but I braved through them and tried to smile. Everyone deals with life in their own way. It is our own personal journey. This is another one of those very personal experiences that I am unsure if I should share here or not, but feel compelled to do so. Some day I will look back on this post and have a better insight, a more experienced point of view. Maybe someone else will read this, just before a gathering and find comfort from my experience. What I gained from it at this point in time is that it was painful to be there without him, and I was flooded with lots of memories of us being there together. How we sat at that particular spot, how we played cards and laughed, how we brought the keg, how we went for a walk, hand-in-hand after most everyone had left, etc. And also though, that I was there to represent us. We still exist, Damn it! For me to have not gone would not have been honoring his memory. Now had I really not felt like going, that would have been ok as well. Just saying that after the fact, these are my feelings. It was kind of a neutral day. Neither good nor bad came from it. No real mind blowing insights. I think that Chip was pleased that I went, but know that had I not gone, he would not have been disappointed. Basically, what I guess I am trying to say is that it is up to me. And this is important. I am beginning to live my life based on what I want and need, with the knowledge and understanding that Chip only wants what I want too. Joy. Peace. Happiness. Fulfillment.

I feel that I am becoming a whole person again. And I know that this is an integral part of my growth. Rather than depending on other's guidance and advice, I am beginning to find my own way. There are so many questions I have, so many desires and dreams to realize. And I know, I KNOW that I am on the right path. And I also know that I do not walk alone.

Much Love

Saturday, August 10, 2013

A Busy And Fun Day Ahead

Today is the family reunion. As a proponent of positive thinking, I am a little ashamed to say that I was feeling very reticent to attend this year, fearing that it will be too overwhelming for me. The last time I saw everyone was at Chip's funeral. I don't like that word. Memorial is better. Evidently Pru was feeling the same way until we discussed it via e-mail. Up until a few days ago I felt that it would be too much and that, based on the emotions I experienced during the hay season, watching someone else do his work and drive his beloved Big Blue Tractor , it would make me too sad to be able to interact with everyone. But after working through things in my head ( and this is really important here because I made this decision completely on my own without asking ANYONE for advice ) I decided that I need to go. To represent us. Chip will be by my side. And I will not go in with any pre formed expectations. Best to be open and ready to have fun. He would want us to go on and enjoy, and connecting with his family is an excellent way to connect with him as well. So yes, I will be attending. And looking forward to it. And it helps that my new partner in crime, Bonnie, is in charge of setting everything up and I am going with her to help get everything together and ready for the party. Then tonight afterward she is having a campfire at her house. And I can actually drive back home even in the dark, since she is my next door neighbor of sorts.  So I AM looking forward to this. My hope is that Chip will be very close and we will connect and enjoy the day together.

Something is definitely in the air. Bluebirds. Remember that. Twice now. And the feeling that washed over me each time I saw them. Not your regular bluebirds. Much deeper. And it occurred to me last night that when doing my experiments, the universe first sent me a blue balloon, then a blue Easter egg ( laying next to my car in the parking lot in July - what else could that be but a sign? ) and now blue birds! And each and every one so far has a sort of connection to the other - bird, egg, the ability to fly, blue. LOL, I just saw the unintended pun in the first sentence of this paragraph! Ohhh so now I have a bit of a game going - discover the message!

This is kind of a personal thing and maybe I should reserve some of my observations and feelings for my private journal. I go back and forth on whether or not I should share as much as I do. But really, it is all part of the process. The voice that I usually use in this blog is one of a friend discussing her feelings and experiences with other friends. And it does take some courage to be so vulnerable. I am not nearly as anonymous as I was 6 months ago. But, and I have said this before, I need to be true to myself. I will look through these posts in the future and re-experience my growth and evolution. I will laugh at some of the crazy, off the wall adventures I have been on ( tattoo, mystery Civil War cowboy anyone? ) and so many others to come. Being able to review the times when I felt overwhelmed and discouraged and then the next day had one of the most wonderful days, it is a good lesson. We tend to forget the good days and focus only on the bad. We need a reminder of the good.
And in reality, there is so much more good. In fact, it is all good. Without the bad, one would never realize just how amazingly good things really are. Tends to put things in perspective.
Ha, I am rambling now.

Guess the important thing to pull out of my head right now ( because it keeps knocking and wants to be recognized ) is that through this journey I am connecting with some amazing friends. And this connection seems to be getting stronger and stronger each moment. Not hard to realize that the universe is sending me the people that are meant to be here, and maybe, just maybe, I am meant to be in their lives, too. I will not name names, because you know who you are when I say how grateful I am for the dearest friends that have come into my life and accepted me into yours. And I just got a flash, a very strong one, that I have a purpose in your lives too. That is undeniable. Ah! Source is speaking to me again. Or, better stated, I am grounding and allowing and receiving again.

Thank you dear friends for your love and support. Know that I am here for you as well. This has been gnawing  at me for several days now. My purpose is coming to consciousness. Another of those times of realizing that things are falling into place. The signs are there, just need to look for them.






Friday, August 9, 2013

Don't Stop Believing

This has so many meanings. I was prompted to write this post because of an email that my boss sent me with a pin from pinterest.  It says this:

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking,
Because her trust is not in the branch
But in her own wings.
Always believe in yourself.

Ok, so how awesome is that? In so many ways. She thought of me and encouraged me. And perfect timing. So what a great reminder to believe in yourself.

Not only that, but can you imagine how touched I am and how much this means to me. Becky, you are one in a million. I am so lucky that I get to be your assistant.

And last night was an unforgettable night. For a while now I have felt a bit disconnected from things. Stress and worry and other things were getting in the way of my being able to relax and open and allow and connect. It is very discouraging when you go from feeling in tune and connected with the Universe, to being unable to get in the groove and feel grounded and centered. My new friend, White Tiger, gave me some tools and advice to help me to get back to where I need to be. The peace and bliss I now feel is overpowering. I was beginning to lose faith that I would ever regain this feeling, and now I know that it was here all along. Again, believe in yourself.

Sometimes, when life seems to be at it's darkest, and it seems that there is no hope, no relief, no love in sight, just wait. Just a little longer. Believe. And you will find that just around the corner will appear a bright, shining light, illuminating the rest of the path. And as you get closer to the source of the light, you will discover that you are observing your own reflection in a wall of mirrors, radiating your love and life force outward, encouraging,  lighting the way  for all the beings of the world to follow. And they will join you and walk beside you in loving companionship. Believe.

We are all one. We shine our light for one another. We are here for each other. Don't be afraid to love. Don't be afraid to reach out. We each have a gift to offer this universe. Be patient. Be kind.
Be unafraid. Believe.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Quick Blog Before Bed

What a terrific, fantastic, amazing night! Someone did a wonderful thing for me. And it is late and I need to get to bed, because, well, Chip is waiting to talk to me. In my dreams. Thank you White Tiger.

The farm in Indiana is officially on the market, at a steal of a price by the way. Looking at the pictures of the place on the website, makes me want to change my mind and keep it. But the revenue can be better put to use here at home and help make this place the paradise that it can be.  Here is the link to the listing if anyone wants to have a look. It is a fantastic hay field, and would make a great building lot with lots of room for horses. Look at those fields of gold.

http://www.martini.huff.com/property/800-e--sunman-in-47041_148961#ad-image-0

Well, that's all folks. Very emotional ( in a good way ) night.

I want to send my love to all, and wish you all love and light.







Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Perfection? Whatever For?

You got that right. You figured it out. But that is because you are awesome. Yeah, it makes complete sense that my stress was caused by my childhood conditioning and the need for perfection. It is just that I do not want to make mistakes, and I want to do everything perfectly. Now, when you just take a step back and look at the situation from a different viewpoint ( someone else's ) it really is ridiculous to think that anyone ( myself included) should expect perfection. If there is something that I have never done before and do not know how to do, why would I beat myself up for not knowing? That's just crazy. And then I become obsessed with the fear that people will look down on me because I do not know or am not familiar with things. And why would they? No one is putting pressure on me except for me. I feel that I should automatically know how to do everything, and to do it perfectly. Hogwash! If you show me something, once I understand it, I've got it. Then I can work on "perfecting" my skills. Just like any job I have ever had, I learned it and excelled at it once I was comfortable and understood. Just takes practice. And each new thing is added to my toolbox.

Today I added a trip to downtown to my toolbox. I have a mental block with going downtown due to a very traumatic ( at the time, hey I was a wimp) experience. And I do not see well, which adds to the stress. But I WAS SUCCESSFUL! And I know if BMK reads this, he is probably shaking his head right now.

So please remember and understand, Cin - everything I have done before, I have excelled at after learning the procedures. There is no lack of heart, no lack of commitment in my efforts. The fact that I desire to excel at what I do is a good thing. Just need to remember that all things come in good time.

Time to relax, and allow and go with the flow again. Things seem to be coming to me again and I am loving the connection.

Eternally

The wood is calm, peaceful, the only sound that of birdsong and the occasional rustling of the little animals on the forest floor.

He steps out from beyond a thicket of blackberry bushes, cautiously, yet unafraid.

Though he has no words, his eyes speak loudly and his ears reflect the  emphasis. Nostrils wide, he approaches slowly, the rumble of his breath startling a robin, perched above his head. He tosses his head to the right, flicking the forelock from his eyes. They shine brightly.

Muscles ripple beneath taught skin as he lengthens his stride, closing the gap between us quickly. I smell him, that intoxicating scent of sweat and dust and grass and horse.

He stops, stands before me in all his glory, magnificent creature. Even taller and more powerful than I could have imagined. I offer my hand, palm up. An apple materializes instantly, and he reaches out and plucks it up with velvet lips. A quick nuzzle of appreciation from him and I begin to run my hands across his thick neck. My fingers tangle in his mane and I find myself lifting, then seated on his wide back. I fit perfectly. Realizing there are no reins with which to guide him, I send thought forms to him, to move forward. He steps gingerly, ensuring my seat is firm, then we trot off, into the clearing. He clearly knows where he is going, and I settle in and allow him to lead the way. We soon come to a beautiful clover field, a wide, crystal clear creek running along the South side. He drops his head and has a long drink while I readjust my seat and stretch my legs. I realize that I have been holding on tightly and suddenly understand that it is not necessary. The horse and I have become one.

We splash through the creek, the water droplets shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight, creating thousands of tiny crystal rainbows, dancing all around us. He starts, ears pricked forward, identifying another horse and rider coming our way. My heart leaps, and even before I see him with my eyes, my soul recognizes this new rider.

They begin to gallop toward us and my horse whinneys, a friendly greeting returned by the other. Dust billows behind them as they move directly toward us. Chip dismounts quickly, runs to my side, and pulls me from my mount, squeezing me, swinging me 'round in sheer joy. We cannot stop laughing as we tumble to the ground, locked in a loving embrace. Our lips meet in a passionate kiss, and the illusion of time stands still.

The horses graze quietly as Chip and I catch up. All thoughts, all feelings, all intentions shared with one another in an instant. We have never been apart, but have always been. The power lies within us. We ARE. Space and time cannot separate us. We are one. And now my beloved and I understand.

The sun is beginning to drop in the horizon, but there is no sense of urgency. We gaze into each other's eyes and the memories of a thousand lifetimes shared pass between us. We have found one another again. And yet again our souls dance, the dance of everlasting, eternal love.

As the moon rises, high and full, casting a bright path before us, we mount and begin the journey home, hand in hand, side by side.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Chasing Rainbows

Can you feel the shift? Something to remember, I think I have said it before, The best things I have found in life, I found when I was not looking. And that is important because it has taken a long time this time around for me to realize that, in relation to the situations I find myself in now. What I mean by that is, Chip came into my life out of the blue. I was not seeking a companion at that moment, and there he was. The very best thing that ever happened to me. And the job, I just put out the plea to the universe and did not think another thing about it and lo and behold, here comes BMK. And so many other wonderful things. I need to mention the wallet story - maybe another time. But lately, I have ( had, now that I know what's up ) been asking for things and constantly worrying about how they were going to come about. How many times have I told myself that I need to be patient and that all things will come in their time. Trust the universe. Send out my desires and forget about them. Allow the universe to work it's magic and provide. Don't worry about how they will get here. And they will get here.  And life will be so much easier.

Thought I had more to say, but am feeling a bit tired and emotionally wrung out. Not in a bad way, more in a relieved, peaceful way. And I don't want to challenge that, because Chip is near and I would like to go and relax and try to connect tonight.

This weekend was very busy with Reagan's party and then Bonnie and I went on a geocaching adventure on Sunday and then went back to her house and raked topsoil for several hours.

                                       Here are some pics of the highlights of the weekend:

Cinderella and Belle
 
Me driving the carriage
 
                                                             Cheese! We found it!

So tonight is for reflection and connection. Got to get that other stuff out of my head until my answers come to me and I can get some clarity. Thank you BS for all you do. Tonight I can relax.
Tomorrow, I shall dance.