Tuesday, April 30, 2013

No Regrets

Have really been pushing my limits lately. No regrets. I need challenges. But it is kind of difficult because I am still hurting. Just that I have yet to get into a comfortable routine. Maybe routine is not the appropriate concept, because that denotes a little bit of "easy". And as I just said, challenge is good.  But, yeah, routine is what I mean. There are all these new things going on in my life and it is stressful, even for the good things. Just adopted a cat, and I am stressed and worried about her, making sure she is happy and fits in here. Worried that she may not be happy, or that Annie will not be happy, or that Abby will escape, etc.etc. And Annie has a hot spot on her face that is getting sore and I am trying to shave it and she is not having any of that and I am frustrated because I simply can not do it by myself. And I think I have sold the farm in Indiana, my buyer is working on financing. So there is the stress of coming up with the necessary legal paperwork and title work and such. But I can hire a real estate agent and get them to run the paperwork, I think. And of course, the home farm. All this stuff needs done and just me to do it. It is like lots and lots to do.

So ok, since there is no one here to talk me down and reassure me: Dammit Cin, Listen up!! :

1. The cat will fit in. Annie is eager to have a new friend. And this is no different than when Gloria was here. A little food and water and clean a litter box. And a new friend to love.
2. Annie will heal, just like last year. If I need to I can take her to the vet and get her fixed up right quick.
3. Call a damn agent and they will be happy to make some extra cash to help with the paperwork.
4. One step at a time. Pru and Mike and I can take it one step at a time and get this stuff done. Not much got done the last 2 years anyway and the place didn't fall apart. I will get the tractor going and get the bush hog on and get the yard cut. And get some help getting the trees cut and moved. And then it's just hay. And hopefully there are a couple of people to help with that. And getting the bull and the calves out of here won't be too hard at all. I am a champ at doing that kind of stuff.

I guess I am just feeling really alone lately. Might have said this before, but it would be a little different if I lived in a little house or apartment somewhere, with very little maintenance to do. Lots less responsibility. And that is overwhelming. Because I have all of this responsibility, all these animals to care for. And sometimes I wonder if I can even take care of myself. Ha!

But I just keep plugging along, now don't I? After all, I am an awesome, powerful soul. I would be so completely bored if I weren't challenging myself. But I don't like feeling out of sorts. It puts a damper on my other needs. I need to be relaxed and open so I can receive guidance.

So there, I have had my little blog meltdown ( good naturedly, of course - gotta have humor along with it ) and I feel a bit better. Just got overwhelmed. And though there are challenges, I need them to grow and advance on my journey. Hopefully, I will conquer my challenges and things will level out to a more comfortable state, until I am ready for the next challenge. And next time maybe I won't take on so many things at once. God, I need a hug :)

No regrets. Always move forward with your head up and your heart open. And with my beloved in my heart, I can accomplish anything.


Sunday, April 28, 2013

Follow Your Heart

Yeah. Not sure how to do that one just yet, but I'm trying. I have followed my heart in the past. And it has worked out very well for me. What is my path, how do I get there?  Many, many things to consider, many things to discover. Just need to be confident, believe and trust my intuition. Still getting some mixed signals from the Universe. But I need to remember to look at things from all angles with an open mind. There may be several ways to interpret it. The Universe has been sending me the people and experiences that I need in order to accomplish my goals, even the ones I don't yet know that I have. I have to have faith that they won't let me down.

So I have several new insights as to what my path may be and I am so excited to begin. Again, patience Cin. My homework assignment this week is really helping that. Not the patience part. I mean the part where I am identifying things that I want to do with my life. I know I want to serve others. I want to write. Have always wanted to be a writer, and maybe things are going to unfold to allow that to come to fruition.And that can be in addition to the other things I want to accomplish.  Have to remember that nothing is out of bounds. And I know that once I realize what my purpose is, once and for all, that will put into motion all of the things that I need to be successful. Look at this as the magnificent adventure that it is.

I formally offered the farm in Indiana for sale yesterday. Now to wait and see if my prospective buyer decides to go for it and comes up with the funds. Praying that he does. I offered it at a very friendly price just for him, so he is getting an excellent deal. I believe in helping a fellow young farmer along as best I can. And there is much to do with the proceeds once it is sold. Ah, Cindy, your six year old self is nagging at you like a child in a candy store. No, little one, we are responsible and will put the funds to good use. But if you are good, maybe I will get you a pony. Hee Hee.

Watched The Man From Snowy River today. Oh God. Love that movie. Love Tom Burlinson. Another crush of mine. Sharing intimate memories here:  This was one of the movies Chip and I watched at my house on our first date. We had our first kiss to this movie. I fell in love to this movie.
It is such a good hearted movie too.  And Tom is so yummy. And the horses.

Sometimes I wonder what some people's motives are. There are the old friends ( not you Beth) who only want to use me as a sounding board for their complaints and negativity. The one in particular I had to cut off completely for a lot of reasons, along with the fact that she was bringing me down. She has mostly been keeping to herself but every once in a while she will try to get in touch. She should have figured that one out by now.Until she can realize that she was leaning too hard on me when I really needed someone to lean on myself. Until she can actually say something to me about Chip, instead of pretending nothing is wrong because she couldn't handle it herself.  I am looking for friends that will be positive and loving. Supportive and fun. People who can laugh and joke and be joyous about their lives. ( that's you Beth)
I need more "Beths" in my life. But she is one in a million and I am so blessed to call her friend.
And there are a couple of other people out there that I would like to be able to determine if they are friends or what. Would make me feel a little better. And there are the people in the Inner Guide Empowerment community. Like I said before, I have never met these people in person, but feel like I know them. They treat me as if I am part of the gang, and that makes me feel so good. And at work. Everyone there is so nice and fun. Had a long talk with " Blue" Friday night and it was really nice.

Thinking about last Friday night again and the really neat experience I had. I love having that strong connection and want to feel that all the time. Funny that it coincided with my unexpected phone call and message.  * Remind me of who I am. *  See my wings unfold and watch me fly.

Time to pay some bills and clean the house.
Love to all.....

Follow You Follow Me

Extremely satisfying week this week.

Listening to Genesis- Follow You follow Me. Wow, listen to the words. Like Chip and I are speaking to one another. Yes, I will follow you. Will you stay with me? So many songs that make me think. Such a great feeling.

Know how I keep saying I am trying to discover my true purpose in life? Well, I think I am coming up with some great insights. Let's see. The Universe will let me know. I have always loved teaching and training. When I developed that seminar for excellent customer service and gave it to the entire bank, it was a great success and the president and CFO loved it. And I had a blast. I certainly am not afraid of public speaking if I know my material.  And also being a healer and caretaker. I love making people feel better, making them happy. A kind word and a smile, or something much bigger. So now. There is still much to do. So much to learn. And I am impatient. Remember, one of the things I need to work on is patience. So I need to relax and allow, and receive. Really need to try meditating. My mind makes it difficult for me to settle in and relax.  But this is important.

Someone told me Friday that I am one of the sweetest people she knows. And you ain't seen nothing yet. It's ok to be that way.

Bought the kids a lawnmower today and we got their lawn cut. While Mike was mowing, I took Marty out and walked him up and down the driveway. He is doing so well. It was pure bliss standing by the creek at the bottom of the driveway and just being near him. He pressed his body against mine and rubbed his ear on my knee, scratching himself. And I could feel him relaxing, could feel his joy at being out in the grass and being free. Yeah, I can do a few head of show cattle. When I think about it, I would love to go back into training and riding horses. But maybe I am a bit too old for that. Buck blew my back out pretty good and it took a long time to get back to normal. And now that I am on my own, if I get hurt it would be even harder to get things done. I have too much responsibility to be careless. Yeah, it is a dream, but I am not 16 anymore. When big ol Rusty and I would go riding bareback we would come out of the forest by the park and then go flat out flying down the Boulevard. God, I remember how that felt. He was probably my soul horse. When I was on him I could tell every move he was going to make before he did it just by the way his muscles tensed. We were unstoppable! Too bad he was nuts. But he was a good horse and he was really good for me. First horse I broke. We had so many adventures. Two crazy redheads.

                                                                  Rusty 1985

Was not able to get the equipment attachment arms dropped on my tractor yesterday. Darn! Wanted to get the bush hog attached and mow a little. Ok deep breaths and relax and go read the manual. Someone probably locked a safety somewhere when all those people were using the tractor loading up their stuff they bought from me. That's why I don't like anyone to use my equipment.

Well, I have been working on this post since yesterday morning. It was a busy day and I would come in and work on it for a few minutes and then go do more work. Now that it is Sunday morning, maybe I will post this and then start fresh with a new post later today. Let's hope I figure out the tractor.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Feeling Good

Today, as I was letting Annie outside, I stepped on the edge of the ramp and it was slick with frost. I shot down that sucker and landed on my ass big time. Then I slid the rest of the way down. At first I thought the only thing hurt was my pride, and Annie stopped mid pee and ran over to me to see if I was ok ( isn't that devoted? ) Got up and brushed off and got ready for work. By the time I got to work, my leg was killing me. Not my clutch leg either. So I limped about and when I told Kari what had happened she seemed really concerned for me. She told me not to get up, she would bring stuff to me. God I love this place! It's so nice to work with kind, loving people. I know, if anyone reads this they are probably getting tired of my blathering on and on about my new job, but hey! it is exciting and wonderful and I deserve it.

I have a lot to think about for my homework this week. And it is actually pretty exciting. I know that I am experiencing a shift, and that things are accelerating for me. Some days nothing comes up, and others a whole lot happens, a whole new experience and a new perspective. My goal is to learn and grow. I need to be patient though. For instance, last Friday I had this amazing experience. Then it was over and I was left feeling a little empty. But along with it came a realization that I needed. And with that realization came peace. And the Inner Guide Empowerment community, well, they are all helping me to advance as well. It is wonderful to have a group of people who so whole heartedly support you. I have never met any of these people in this lifetime, but know that on a soul level, we are all friends. I am destined to do great things here, and that is becoming more evident to me every day ( especially when I am feeling centered and grounded and loved and supported). And I also love and support these fine souls. That is one of the things that calls to me the most. We are all connected.
Someday I hope to meet them face to face. How about that Brad, a fireside chat with everyone physically ( and spiritually ) in one place?  These are wonderful people, who offer their love and their gifts to assist and serve others. That's what it is all about, people.  No more selfishness and strife. We are all in this together and we need to help one another along the way. Each of us is on a journey. Even though someone elses journey may not resonate with you, it is theirs to take. We simply cannot judge their lives, their paths. We are here to take their hand, and help them cross the creek. That just came to me because on our first date, Chip walked me out into the pasture to see the cows and when we got to the creek he took my hand and helped me across. Look at that. Just the very beginning of our adventure.

We are the products of all of our experiences. The goal is to learn and grow and advance. We choose. Had a bad experience? That sucks. No one deserves bad things. But bad things happen. And it is how we allow those things to affect us that makes us who we are. Are we going to choose to be the victim, or the victor? All part of the journey. Take them, learn from them, heal and grow.  And though I have experienced a lot of personal tragedy in the last several years, I will not allow that to quash my faith. I have a purpose here, and that purpose is beginning to shine through and make itself known to me. With the help of some beloved friends ( here and there) , I WILL discover my truth and I will become a powerful and awesome soul and will shine my love and light for all to see. And to heal.

Can you tell I have had an inspiration??
Soldier on people.
And a very special "thank you" to my teachers. You know who you are.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

What To Say, What To Say

Great night last night on the radio. Met another blessed soul. This community is such a loving group. Don't know what I would do without them. But the Universe sends to you the people that you need in your life to help you along on your journey. Hopefully I am helping them in some way as well.

Just sent in a petition to adopt an elderly, unwanted dog at a shelter. He has limited time here and needs a loving home to spend his last days. He just spoke to my heart when I saw his picture and read the story. My first impression ( intuition ) was gotta go for this. If I can help this old guy have a wonderful rest of his life, then I will have accomplished something. Second thought was " what are you doing, are you crazy? Go through the heartache of losing a beloved pet?" But intuition trumps ego, baby. If this works out and he still needs a home, I am willing to serve this sweet old guy.


HOBO is back at the shelter. We don't think we will be able to find him a home. The shelter is full, he is not comfortable with people. Hobo lives his life on a chain then he went to foster and is now back. He doesn't have much time at all. He is older and he is not doing well here. PLEASE HURRY if you can help him!! Contact Daviess County Animal Control in Owensboro KY 270-685-8275 or dcacanimals@yahoo.com


So there. Hopefully he will either get a forever home with someone close by, or I will get him and have a new friend and mouth to feed. Ah, well. Gotta follow my heart.
Evidently my blog went over well last night with some people. I may have even earned some street cred. ( ? )  Just kidding guys, I am a good girl. But I am open to any suggestions as to how I can be naughty. In a good way. Anything less than the best is a felony.
Hey, just thought about this! One of my dreams, if I had everything I needed to succeed and no fear, is to open a shelter for elderly animals and people. I mean a wonderful place where the elderly can live in a beautiful environment, with everything they could possibly want or need and lots of loving people to interact with and care for them. A paradise. This is one of the things that is closest ot my heart. And just now, I am being reminded of it, and feel like maybe this is something that I may do someday.
Just looked outside and it is beautiful! The sun is getting ready to set and the sky is deep blue with big white fluffy cartoon clouds, and the grass in the fields is glowing with the sun rays. Beautiful. Amazing how in just a few days there is now plenty of grass for the animals to eat. Now to think about hay season. It's a bit chilly tonight though. Waiting for these kind of nights when it is warm and I can sit on the sun porch and read and watch tv. Chip and I used to spend a lot of time out there in the nice weather. Especially nice when the cows are right there in the back.
Well, gotta go watch "The Middle" and take a shower and do my homework.
Love to all!! 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

C Murder Does A Little B And E ;)

OK, so I have been such a good girl all my life. And people have always made fun of me for it. My parents told me they would not love me if I wasn't perfect. I was tired of working for the man at DR court, wanted to wade out from under the oppression. So I decided to bust loose and go crazy. I decided to do a B&E tonight on the way home. Word to your mother. Yeah, I snuck in, went right to the bedroom and removed all those tags ( you know, the ones that say "do not remove under penalty of law" ) from the mattresses and pillows. Then I went to the kitchen and rearranged the food in the fridge. There were some dirty dishes in the sink, so I did them. And set the table. And, Oh God, see. I simply cannot be a criminal. Sorry BMK - I tried. Guess I am not so cool. Oh no, now I will be in trouble with my other Brad, for speaking negatively about myself. Gahhhhh!!!!

Today was a great day. I love my job and the people there. Getting a lot done, learning a lot, so much more to learn. Yeah, I told BMK that I would blog about being a bad girl tonight. See how far that got? So what's the worst thing I have ever done? Hmmmm. I will have to think about that. There may be a repressed memory somewhere in there. But seriously, I am on a quest for enlightenment. It is much more important to me to be spiritual and zen. I can still joke about stuff though. There are a couple of people that I would love to beat to a pulp figuratively. But my whole outlook on the mysteries of life has changed drastically in the last 6 months. Now I really do understand that there is a reason for everything. It is all a learning experience. We are all in each others lives for a purpose. Sometimes in love and sometimes as a challenge. All part of our growth and advancement. It's hard to accept that someone who hurt you was actually doing you a favor, but it is most likely true. I am loving the people that the Universe has sent to be part of my life ( that I have drawn to me ). There is so much love and support emanating from these wonderful souls. Once again, I feel like I have a family. Y'all are some really special people and I hope that we continue to explore our journeys together.

So not much to say tonight. Have some homework to do, and then the Inner Guide Empowerment Radio show. So best get into the shower and my jammies and settle in.

Love to all - especially all of my soul friends.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Really Good Night

This evening has started out really good and there's no reason why it won't continue. First, a good day at work. I love my job. Have I said that before? :)      Then talking to Brad S.  And then so much to think about so Annie and I took a nice long walk. The temperature is perfect and as the sun was setting we sauntered down the hillside to the creek looking for the cows, pulled some branches off the fence and got the electric back up without getting shocked! Good thing 'cause that fence is HOT thanks to my hard work last winter. ( remember when I was ready to throw in the towel and give up because they kept getting out and I couldn't keep the fence up and hot ) And now I see that there will be a meteor shower tonight too! So, since I was climbing through the creek, and hiking all over the place, I just need a quick shower and some yoga pants and I can go back out and watch the stars.

And you know what? I seem to have lost all the thoughts in my head.  I am learning not to push things, to be patient. Since nothing is coming, maybe it's best I put this post to bed and try again tomorrow. I guess I used up all my energy on that walk. I must say that I really love when I have a lot of wonderful insights, so that my fingers can hardly keep up with my thoughts as I type them. I feel a bit odd right now though, as if I am experiencing a dream state. You know, like when you just wake up and the dream is still so fresh and real it's hard to distinguish things? Maybe it's just the diet Mountain Dew and peanut butter fudge I treated myself to.

So not much to say then. We all need to go out and look up at the stars.We are all living beneath the same Big Dipper. We are all connected. I will be there with my beloved soul mate by my side. Won't you join us?


Sunday, April 21, 2013

(Wink Wink) Nudge Nudge

Just got a nudge. "That's what life is for...Living".  Gotcha! Totally understand. Sitting here on facebook thinking, " God, I have so much to do, how am I going to do it all, and I am just so enjoying walking out amongst them and taking pictures of my beloved animal friends, and reading and being lazy..."  and that is the answer I received. I really don't have to do any thing at any particular time. If I want to settle in on the futon in the sunroom with my kindle today, I can. Just a few tasks I need to do at some point, but, like I say a lot on here, I have the rest of my life.

And to be honest, right now that is just what I need to do. My journey has begun and I am enjoying the crap out of it. (even though it is still difficult and confusing at times) PATIENCE. Patience is a big challenge for me. 

Went to Bonnie's surprise birthday party with Nancy last night and it was a lot of fun. Nancy came over and I drove. She came in for a few minutes and looked around ( it must have been a while since she was actually inside the house ) and she said she really likes my decor. That really made me feel good, a pleasant surprise. I took a look around with new eyes and decided, yes, I do like my house too. Just need the bathrooms re-done and new carpet and I will be really happy.

The party was fun. Got to see people that I have not talked to since Chip's funeral. But some of the things some of them said were a little hard and I want to record that here so I can process. One cousin was asking about the farm and my new job and such and then stated : " That must be so hard for you, now that you are alone and don't have anyone to help." She was asking about how I could possibly take care of all of this by myself ( don't yet know ) and, my gosh, you own 4 properties, how ever can you keep up with it all, and starting a new job on top of it, after just losing your soul mate... do you mow all that grass yourself? (yep) How do you take care of everything?  etc. ,etc. And the one that really hurt ( though I know it was offered with love and compassion ) was " well the hardest thing must be not having your soul mate around to discuss things with. To voice your concerns with and ask his opinions and get his encouragement".  Why, yes. That is probably the reason I cry myself to sleep many nights. I know exactly what he would say, though. With the job, he would be saying " you've got this Red. Way to go! Now just go with the flow ( motioning with his arm ) and relax. "
And with the farm - well, he just told me to relax and live my life. But he knows that now. In physical life, he would be the one going, " Oh my God we have to get the chainsaw going and cut up all those trees that just came down in that storm."  Ack. And I would be all like " Aw, it's still a little cold and windy for that, lets stay here and pop some popcorn and watch a movie.."   Life Without Work Is Guilt, Work Without Art --Brutality.

My art could be getting that horse trained and ready to dance. But now he is really limping on that right hind. Looks like the cannon bone at the fetlock. Tendon maybe?  Ok, so remember, Chip said if it was love I needed to get Buck, and this is love, so get him. He is here whether I can ride him or not. Love is love.  And that brings me to another thought. At the party we were talking about someones niece that was a vet, and Nancy stated " Cindy, you should be a vet". The others agreed. They told me "you're not too old.."  I didn't go into why I decided I could not be a vet, even though it was a dream of mine. As a teen, I was so empathic and sensitive that I knew that I could not bear to see animals or people suffer. I couldn't take in all of the emotions.  I was scared and had no understanding of what I was experiencing. So I walked away from it. No regrets mind you. If it were meant to be, it would have been. But even though I pushed aside the emotional part of it, I retained the clinical part, and don't at all mind tending to the wounds and such. Pulling a calf is incredibly satisfying. God, I remember all those nights Chip and I would camp out at the barn, sometimes ( most of the time ) in the cold, snow, or rain, or 100 degree weather. Sitting side by side on a bale of hay, Falling asleep on each others shoulders, waiting for the right moment to go in and start helping. Me reaching in and finding the fore feet and snagging them with twine so Chip could start pulling. And the relief of mother, baby and us when the calf popped out all wild eyed and gooey. Then a quick swipe of my little finger in his nostril, a pinch to get him to take a breath, and what a rush!!

Gonna get very personal and vulnerable here, fair warning.
On Sunday Morning today they had a piece on telling people what you need to say, in case you never get another chance,  and having no regrets. Funny, I posted something like this a few days ago. I am fortunate that I got to say everything that I needed to. I may not have gotten a lot of answers back, since Chip was not able to speak at that point, but I know he could hear me, and he still does hear me and knows absolutely, without a doubt how I feel about everything. I could have told him how much all of those wonderful things he did for me mean. How every time he left a rose for me on my windshield, or brought me a plant or flowers, or when he wrote "I Love You" on the kitchen table in macaroni, how much all of those things meant to me. How much I appreciate him always being there for me and that I was always blown away by his wisdom. What a great heart he has. He is my everything. And I hope that he got everything he needed from me too. That's what I would like to know for sure. Could I possibly have even come close to giving that great man everything he deserves?  But he and I always shared our feelings. Not just after he got sick, but all of our relationship. It is so annoying to me to watch those movies and tv shows that feature unrequited love and all those games people play back and forth in relationships. Good Lord, just say how you feel already. 

Okiedokie. now, I have been nudged. Gonna go and live a little. First gonna try to mow. Then, gonna settle in for some lunch and my Kindle.

                                                      Guinea Run Farm 4/21/13

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Learning and Growing

Had a real epiphany this morning and not only is it a great realization, but it also brings me great relief. No secret that I have been a little "off" lately, and now I know why. It is not what I at first thought it was, but in fact an entirely different subject altogether. That is why, while trying to understand and counteract my feelings, I was not getting the desired results and was receiving mixed messages. Ah, yes, the Universe. It was telling me one thing and I was interpreting it as another, completely different thing. And I can not be prouder of myself for finally realizing it! Yowza! All you gotta do is follow your intuition, Cin. The answer was there all along. And the tightness in my chest has been relieved. Now I still have to get to the bottom of my real issue, as there are two resolutions to the problem, but I sense that I have just picked up the tools to do that. Thank you, Spirit!!

Yes, I am experiencing a shift here. I have felt it for many months now and it seems that my insights and abilities are growing exponentially. Hit a few roadblocks along the way, and certainly interpreting my feelings incorrectly was one of them, but I believe that I am on the correct road now. I know that right now, at this moment, the journey is mine alone to take. It is part of my purpose, and one that I must plug along on, until I learn the lesson that this particular moment in time is trying to teach me. And become the person that I am destined to be. That road may be a lonely one, at least for a while, until I come into my own and find myself, my true nature. But I am never alone truly, for my guide, my soul mate,  my beloved Chip, is always by my side. He has always been there for me, encouraging me to come into my power. And soon we shall soar like golden eagles ;)  But, golly, now I have added another tool to my arsenal. And I feel empowered.

 Also had a strange, and exciting and welcome experience last night. I will just say that I "was introduced to some new friends". Or maybe I should say "old friends".  Not really sure how to put that, but for now that is the best way for me. But this is getting really exciting and I am eager to learn more, grow more, become more, for I know that in doing so I am not only becoming better myself, but also increasing my ability to serve others. And after all, isn't that what it's all about?

And Syd called me a good sport last night. We played a dance game on her X-box and I danced to "Time Warp" and won! Ok, seriously, I cannot dance at all and it was hilarious watching me fumble around, but it was so much fun. And Prudy taped it. She is going to post it on Facebook, and that is why Syd thinks I am a good sport. But actually, you gotta have fun. It is part of being alive, and I certainly need to feel alive.

So  I feel that I am really learning a lot lately. Just need to keep on going. Such a relief that my worries have nothing to do with what I thought, and that makes it much easier on one hand to deal with life. Yeah, I still have my stresses and concerns over the farm, but there are a lot of options there to consider and, just like I need to do with everything else, I will release it to the Universe and ask for divine guidance and relax and allow. Man, that "gut feeling" thing really does work!

I am so grateful right now ( and always) for that connection to the divine and to Spirit. We are not alone, and we are all connected. And just look at what a difference in perspective does for the psyche and the soul. I know that last night was some sort of message, and I will ask that the answers, and the greatest good will come to me. And to you all.

In the spirit of that awesome song and tv show:

Baby look at me
And tell me what you see
You ain't seen the best of me yet
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest

I've got more in me
And you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hands
Don't you know who I am

Remember my name

Thursday, April 18, 2013


What a fantastic day today. Actually, a very heartfelt one, too. You see, today my bosses three year old daughter came into the office and spent the morning sitting on my lap playing and coloring. This place is so amazing.

Also feeling a lot better physically and emotionally. Worried about a friend of mine, but all will be well. I now understand why I was feeling so stressed the last couple of days. And it is a beautiful night out there. Fixed a nice dinner and ate out on the back patio, with my party lights on and watched Big Bang Theory.

Well, really there is not much to say tonight. Very tired, think I will go back out to the patio and try to meditate and connect. I just know that I love the way I am feeling right now and am very grateful for it. After being depressed for a week, it is a big relief to feel better. Once again I feel connected to the Universal Source and want to keep it that way.

I wish all of you Peace, Love, and Happiness. May all of your troubles evaporate and may success and bliss take their place.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

True Potential

It is really hard to not smile when you are listening to ABBA sing Mamma Mia. Last night I was so pumped, waiting for the radio show to start. And when I called in with my question, Karena got me spot on! I could hear Brad chuckling in the background, 'cause all the things he has been telling me, she repeated. Wow. Just goes to show you how awesome Brad, and Karena are, and me too!! It really is an important part of my life now, this wonderful community of loving souls. Don't know what I would do without them, and hope I never have to find out. But Spirit sent Brad to me, both Brads to be exact. So what am I worried about? The Universe knows exactly what I need and is providing it. A new adventure, a new challenge and chance to grow and expand. Spirit is the wise one here, and I need to allow and be open so all the wonders of the Universe can flow to me. Not sure yet what my purpose is, but I sense that it will become evident in time. The key is patience, which is definitely something I need to work on. And self confidence too. Just that, when I hit a little road block, I start to panic and get depressed. Hell, I am pretty resilient, when you think about it. So I need to practice that and draw on it when I need a little boost. I am awesome!! When I started at DR court, I was a little overwhelmed, and then, since they have been keeping statistics for the last 4 years, I was the top producer - reviewed more documents than anyone else- every single quarter. And let's not forget how many attorneys told me how sad they are that I left DR.

The Universe will send me what I need and when I need it. And believe me, it has been. My new job, my friends, my ability to connect with spirit. I want to excel at everything, but that will come in good time. There are a few other things that I would like to have. To develop my abilities. To discover my purpose. To help others ( serve ). But remember this , Cin, look at how accelerated things have gotten for you. In a 2 week period all kinds of fantastic things came to you and it is obviously working in your favor. And the things that are important to me may seem to come and go a little, based on my stress level, but they always return. And yes, Mr. Simkins, I am a butterfly and an eagle. Wait till you see me soar!!

So remember this. Right now I feel empowered and light. This is how I need to feel always. This is the mindset and vibration I need to send out in order to attract to me all the wonderful things that the Universe has in store for me. I understand that I need to do this work for myself right now. Chip was always there for me ( still is ) to protect me and walk me through my fears. And God, I miss those big bear hugs! But, well, they are still there too, just in a different way. Energy is energy. And yeah, I still need lots of reassurance right now. But I will get better. I am growing. Spirit is with me. And I have a couple of really amazing friends on my side.
So watch out world, 'cause Cin is on the loose!!

Love and Light

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Feeling much better tonight. Had a rough, toss and turn, mostly sleepless night last night and I know I looked like crap this morning. Oh well. Got to work ready to take it on! And it was a really good day. I learned a few things, and they made sense, and I got a lot done. Still lots to learn and lots to do, but I am hopeful that my mental block is gone for good and I am free once more.

Waiting for Inner Guide Empowerment Radio show to come on at 8:00. Really love that and getting to participate with the other callers and hosts. Gotta love Brad Simkins.

It is really dark and stormy out tonight. Was really hoping that I could try to get the mower started and mow, but it looks like that will have to wait. Hey, I can always put up a strand of electric fence and let the cows and horses in the yard. What would the neighbors say?

Prudy just told me that several people at the 4-H meeting last night asked her about buying some steers. Well, not bad, but if I let them go by the head, then I won't get as much as if I sell them all in a trailer load. Unless the buyer wants to pay premium, which is definitely what they are worth. Yeah, I think we are going to go another route and start producing show cattle. My business plan is starting to shape up. OK Universe, where is my business partner? We need to get planning for hay season. Good Lord, now I know why Chip used to get so worked up. I was the one to always reassure him about the farm stuff, and he was always there to reassure me about everything else. I know exactly what he would have said ( was saying ) to me yesterday.  " Calm down, Red, just go with the flow. You can do it. "  Hugs to you dear. I know.

Have been so preoccupied with other concerns that I have not worked much on connecting. That is all part of the whole "go with the flow" concept.  I need to relax and allow. Everything I need will come to me. I had been so "clenched", stressed and fearful lately that I was pushing away, closing off. Open now. Would love to get some new insights. Really feel the energy tonight. It's gonna be a good night. I will go forward with open heart and open mind and let the Universe guide me. Last night most of my feelings were not my own, they did not belong to me. I do realize this, just got so overwhelmed that I couldn't protect myself. Like dominoes, they just all took a life of their own and tumbled crazily.

So, Remember this! I feel great right now. All is well and I feel the positive energy and love of Source. Amazing what 24 hours and a good life coach can do. And myself, too because I am Cin, and I am AWESOME!

Be Excellent to each other.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Six Months

Well, here we go. It has been six months since Chip moved into the next step of his (our) journey. And yes, I keep saying that I will not keep track of life like that, but somehow I am compelled to.  Just cannot believe that six whole months have gone by. How have I managed to get through all of those days and nights? Well, just plain old survival tactics for one thing. Winter was hard and I was concentrating on keeping the animals alive and fed. And seriously, Brad S. has been a real godsend. Well, I believe that Chip and the Universe sent him. And I try to be strong. And I try to remember. But right now, my heart is breaking. Silly, isn't it? I know he is still here, by my side. But right this minute I feel so weak. Again, this is ridiculous. I love and miss Chip each and every day. This day is no different than yesterday, or tomorrow. And I really need to celebrate our love, not mourn. Love never dies, nor do we. We simply change into pure energy, our true selves, and become more powerful and awesome than ever before. This is when we can truly do our work.

Really, I think I understand at least some of the reason I have been so out of sorts lately. One, I have started a new job and it is completely different from anything I have ever done before. (Remember that every new job that Chip ever had was completely different and a new adventure for him, too) Two, there are a lot of other stressers going on for me at this moment: now the grass is growing and I need to get someone lined up to do hay, have to keep the lawn mowed, have to keep the barnyard mowed and cleaned up. There is a lot of work to be done, and only me to do it. I need to remember that I am the only one putting pressure on me to excel. I will learn and become comfortable in time. I have to relax and give myself that time.

                                                         Thank you Mr. Simkins

Also compelled to share this: One day while we were at Rueger's cutting hay, we were resting and having a picnic lunch under the big oak tree in Rueger's yard. There was a sundial that he and I admired. It said " Grow Old Along With Me, The Best Is Yet To Be". Chip said to me " I want to get you a thick wedding band and have that engraved on it."  I was so excited. And we got the band and had it engraved and it is so awesome. And I realize that we had 20 physical years to grow together. But we are still growing "old" together (at least I am still aging), and yes, THE BEST IS YET TO BE
without a doubt, for our adventure continues.

Something I have to say. You know, you should always tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them you appreciate them. Tell them how much they mean to you. You never know. We were "fortunate" that we had time to say what we needed to say. My heart goes out to the bombing victims in Boston.  Oh, but to have more time. I could have said it many more times. Some people don't have that. But our loved ones do know. They hear us. They are with us. It's more for us. But when we let the people we love know how much they are loved, it is such a blessing for both them and us. How wonderful to share that love, those feelings, with each other, here and now - to be able to see the look on their face when we express our deepest, most precious feelings for them. So, to all my friends and loved ones, both 2 legged and 4 legged, I love you with all my heart. You each hold a special place in my heart and soul and I am so grateful to be able to share this journey with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being a part of this with me. May we have many more adventures together, and may God watch over you and bless you with all the blessings and wonders of the Universe.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Success ( Kind Of )

Tomorrow may big a deep post if I take the time to do it. But for now, just want to share. First, the grass is growing so fast I figured I need to get it cut. So down to the gas station for some fuel and then to Home Depot for some flowers. I decided to make a blue garden for Chip. So I got a bunch of pretty blue plants and flowers and brought everything home and planted him a garden. I felt him there beside me, I think he approves. I will need to get some more flowers for fillers, but I didn't really measure or plan the garden first. I just followed my intuition as to what to pick and how many to get. I like it.

 The truck acted funny on the way down. Like the brakes didn't want to engage very well and I smelled them burning. Great. The brakes are not that old so will have to check that out. The windshield cracked last week too. Aughhh. Well, the body is rusting away too, so may be time to look into a new ( old ) one. But really we planned to keep this one until it rusted into the ground. Dunno. It really is a workhorse, that old truck. But the V-10 engine is a killer on gas.

And got the hand mowing done. Chip always felt bad that I would mow by hand while he used the riding mower. But really I enjoy pushing the mower. It is great exercise and gives me a great feeling of satisfaction. What a great way to get back in shape, although my back is smarting a little tonight ( darn you Buck ).  Then went to start the Bad Boy. Well, the battery was dead. Crap. Then I found the battery charger. Now please understand. Chip did everything. Everything. I had no idea how to hook up the charger and if it would work. But a quick peek at the instructions and I hooked it up and after a couple of hours the battery charged and I got that mower started. Then it stalled in the middle of the front yard when I tried to engage the blades. Then the battery died again. Aughhhhh. So I pulled out the extension cords, and the charger, and got the battery going again. By that time I decided to just let it go and put the mower back in the garage. I will take it on another day, probably after getting a new battery.

So today I felt a little more grounded and settled. Actually looking forward to work tomorrow. I really miss Chip being here physically to encourage me. It's like, no matter what, everything was ok in his arms. And yes, I understand that this is my time to face my fears and move forward on my journey. I do not walk alone. I have my beloved by my side and I have some very good friends who are supporting me as well.

I was going to post some insights I received today, but think I will reserve that for another time.

" Do not give up, do not give up, beloved. The future is full of adventure and excitement. There is much to learn, much to do, much love to share. By your side always will I be. You have just to call and I am here. Our journey has just begun, you and I. We shall take the stars and scatter them for all to see . They shine with our love. Always with our love. "

May the light of love shine in your eyes

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Lots To Say

Don't know how long the inspiration will last, but right now there are tons of things on my mind.


First,  the first week at my new, awesome job. Lots to learn. Just need to do them a couple of times and get confident. Still can't believe how wonderful everyone I work with is.

Wow, someone is looking out for me :)  Just got 2 encouraging phone calls, really pleasant surprises. And a really nice card from Beth. Great way to kick off the weekend - tears of happiness and gratitude.

Speaking of the weekend, time to get some fuel and get the mowers going. With all the rain and then sunshine, the grass is growing really well ( yes, love ) and while it is great to have lots of pasture for the cows and horses, now the lawn needs tending. It amazes me how the fields can go from dismal and bare, to full, lush and green in such a short time. So looks like Cin will be working in the yard this weekend. Maybe I can get the chainsaw going and get some of those felled trees cut up and moved out of the yard.

I am going to plant a new garden this year to honor Chip. Will be looking for blue flowers. He always thought that the blue ones were neat and so do I . Brandy's garden is all hot pink, and the pond garden is mostly yellow, so this one will look pretty good in blue.

Should I raise some guinea fowl? They may be fun and would be the farm mascots. Very fitting since the farm is named Guinea Run Farm. I am going to get us some t-shirts made so when we go to fair we will look "official".

Feeling a lot of amazing things in the way of my Spirituality. But the right words aren't coming at the moment. Ok, so now I am just going to let this post rest for a while and go for a walk. I always talk about needing to go with the flow, and now Brad S. has given me some great tools to do just that. And I am sensing that this is what I need to do right now.

4/13/13 Yeah, well, I didn't get back to blogging last night. But that's ok 'cause I just sat and thought for a long time. My printer is driving me crazy - won't let me print anything all of a sudden. I am ready to throw it and this stupid computer out the window. Maybe I will...... Fuck yeah! I feel like bashing something with a sledgehammer. Get some of this nervous energy out. I think I am going to grab the sledge and go out to the rock pile and have at it. That should burn off a little nervous energy.

And.... I'm back 8 hours later. Got the computer reset and the printer now works. And I took a long long walk and burned off some energy. So many things on my mind right now. I know, I know, I have to relax and go with the flow.  So why am I feeling like this? I dictated a lot of thoughts into my digital recorder and will have to weed through that and make some notes. Just seems like the last couple of days I have been really unsettled. So glad that Brad S. gave me some great advice. Now I have to take it and put it to work. This should be easy. After all, look at how the Universe came through for me with the job and some other things that I prayed for. So I think that's it for tonight.

Hope you all are having a great weekend.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I Think I Can

Actually got to think for myself today. In DR court we were not allowed to do anything without getting permission. Today I had to go to my old office and drop off a decree and there was a document that the plaintiff needed to sign before our decree would be approved. I contacted the attorney to see if he could get the signature so I could turn in the papers. He instructed his client to come to my office and sign the document. Not knowing when she was going to arrive, and needing to go to the court anyway, I made the decision ( yes, really ) to take the docs to DR, and fill out a c16 for the Judge requesting she accept as is. This way it was on its way to being approved and not still sitting on my desk for several more days. Now if the Judge approves, no worries. If not, I can run the signed form back another time, but at least in the meantime the decree is in process. Also got to see Beth, who I miss terribly. I have been so busy this week learning new things ( head swimming ) that I haven't taken time to call her. Love you Beth!!!

The girls at the office are so very nice and really encouraging. I know what it is like when you are busy and you have to train a new person. It's hard. They are all being so patient and kind. I can't wait to learn everything and start really working to full capacity.

Really nice chat with Brad S. last night. Got some amazing insights, and actually felt really great.One thing I noticed is that I had a lot of what I can only describe as anxiety and tension in my body, like I had a shot of adrenaline. Didn't feel consciously nervous about anything so not sure what that was about , but it kept me up past midnight. Anyone who knows me knows I am usually in bed by 10. I should have used the time to put on some tunes and dance around, but I went outside and stood under the stars for a long time, and that was quite meaningful. So yeah, had some deep thoughts, but those are for my personal journal. Are good things coming? Is my purpose going to make itself clear? My wings are unfolding and I am ready to fly. Wherever my path and my beloved lead me, I shall follow.
 And I WILL HAVE FUN !! ;)

Love to all

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I Think I Can Relax Tonight

By George, I think I can! Have been a little more stressed than I was willing to admit, and I really haven't had much of a routine for several months now. Used to be I would come home from work, emotionally exhausted, have a bite, tidy up the house, shower and settle in in front of the tv with my kindle. Then off to bed with my kindle, until I zonked out. Or cried myself to sleep. Whatever.
Lately, I have been more scattered. Probably mostly in a good way. With Brad S., and the radio show, and all the books I have been trying to read ( I have 7 going at once right now - which is just way too distracting so I need to go one at a time - I have the rest of my life ) and fretting, then being happy and dancing around ( manic depressive?? ) and my new job, I have just been too crazy. Maybe if I just settle down and ground myself and go with the flow, things will not seem as disconcerting. So tonight I am going to post this, then grab my book of choice, The Fifth Agreement ( my homework for the week ) and sit on the patio and read. Another thing I have been doing rather than my regular routine , which I will not give up for anything, is my work trying to connect with Spirit. That is the most important. Forget vacuuming. Chip always hated when I vacuumed anyway.

The girls at the office were very supportive today when I expressed that I wanted to learn everything I can and get off and running quickly, but am afraid of making mistakes. I love this place. These are some very awesome people. You know, really good things just keep coming to me, and yes, I really do deserve them. The Universe is truly loving.

Several people came to me after Chip passed away and stated that I was one of the strongest people they have met. I wanted to tell them they are crazy, because I felt like I was going to break into a million pieces. But really, I think I know what they meant, and I am honored that they felt that way. It has been a tough road. Each day I can feel my soul getting just a little stronger, a little more healed. I will always miss Chip in his physical existence. But he still walks beside me, in spirit. And I can feel his joy as I progress and expand. You know, more than anything else, I want to make him proud.
Yeah, I have said before that when I receive a challenge, I always say "bring it on!". Isn't that funny? I struggle with confidence in my abilities, but if you dare me to do something ( bet you won't go jump on that horse ) I am on it. And my nieces are supposed to take me to a nightclub on my birthday so I can ride the mechanical bull. That will be another thing I can cross off my life list.  Ah, well. Like I said, wait till you see Buck and me dancing in the moonlight.

Much love and blessings to all - and especially tonight to my teachers - you know who you are.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Well ...

Ok, I think I have made up my mind. Selling the farm in Indiana. Taking the proceeds and using them to improve my farm and home. Good idea, yes? My six year old self is pestering me in the background, telling me to just sell everything and run away to a beach in Florida. Hmmmmm.

Today I got to ride along with Kari to Hamilton County to see what their domestic relations case management office was like. Ran into another attorney that I knew and she asked what I was doing there and I told her I wasn't in DR any more. She said " Oh! Good for you, bad for me."  Feeling the love :)

Then when we got back Brad asked me to go along the some more courts and while sitting next to him waiting for his case to be called, another attorney I know came over and looked down at me, patted me on the back, and said sadly " I'm not even gonna ask...", and then sat down next to his client. Brad and I started cracking up - he thought I was in court for a felony. I wanted to go over and correct him but I didn't. Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been in trouble ( I am the proverbial good girl ) and plan to keep it that way.

Mitch came and picked up Nick tonight. I was listening to the show so Prudy and Mike were on their own but I guess he loaded right up and now is off to his new home where he will be pampered and loved. I hope our own calf does not beat us at the fair this year. but Hell, that just shows what kind of calves we produce.

Need to center and ground myself. Feeling a little stress the last couple of days, but that is to be expected after starting a new job. I just want to learn quickly and do well. I just need to settle in and get a routine going.

Actually, I am pretty tired and not having much come to me tonight and last night was a pretty emotional post for me. Guess I will leave it at that and get to bed.

Sweet dreams

Monday, April 8, 2013

A New Day , A New Beginning

Lots of insights the last few days, actually. First, on Sunday I had such an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment. I may have mentioned that in yesterday's post, don't remember, but it is worth repeating. Felt like all was well with the world and my spirit felt light and free. Took a couple of walks and really just relaxed. Remember this feeling. It is the best I have felt since before Chip got sick. Not that that was his fault. I do not blame him, of course. Just saying, that it was a very soothing day and I would very much like to continue to feel this way.

Now, first day at the new job. God, I love these people!! ( And I am not just saying this because you may be reading it - I said these things before I knew you read this blog, Mr. BMK )  Lots to learn and my head is swimming with all the information I got. Really, I just want to be certain that I do well and make them proud. Hey, I have excelled at every job I have ever had. Just give me a little time to assimilate the information and I will come out of the gate running and bucking. ( A little cowboy reference there ) But seriously, the people there are just amazing. Everyone is so nice and friendly.

Part of this blog is to maintain my integrity, be true to myself and say what I am inspired to say. I have to be authentic. This is all part of my healing. Not sure if I will ever heal completely, the wound is so great, but I am sure giving it my best. I won't give up.  Brad S. gave me some insight tonight that I knew instinctively but never allowed myself to acknowledge. I am going to be growing and evolving, learning and doing things, taking chances that I never would have attempted if Chip were still here with me. But God, what I would not give to have him back. I would give anything. Now, I know exactly what Brad means. And that realization is bitter sweet.  Chip NEVER, ever held me back in life. Actually, he encouraged me to push my limits, seek my bliss, go outside my comfort level. But he always protected me, always took care of me. Now, without him, I must push past the fear, fear of the known and the unknown. There is a path unfolding before me and I must boldly and bravely go forth. When he was here physically, he was always able to give me that big ol bear hug and tell me everything would be all right. And I knew it would. In his arms, nothing else mattered. Do you know how much I miss that? How frightening the world is without him? I know. I have been kind of " sheltered" . He got to have his adventures early in his life, working with directors and movie stars and training horses. When we met he was all settled in and ready to chill. His bliss is the farm and the life that farming allows. And I segued right into that life. Ok, so my dreams of becoming a professional rider, or an actress, fell to the side. But what really were the chances that I would actually accomplish something like that? But I gladly gave all that up to be with him. He. The love of my life. What else could ever be better than that? Look at all the things we have done together. The adventures we have had. The love we have shared. Nothing, NOTHING, could compare to that. No dream is as great as the love that we have. Now I have to make decisions for myself. I have to become a whole person again. No depending on someone else for support. And I know that lately I had been searching for that support outside of myself. It is all in here. I have everything I need to do this. Just have faith and allow the Universe to do its magic.
So while I understand and accept that I am now doing things that I never would have done, oh how I wish that it could be back to those old " boring" days where we would meet up after work and fall into each others arms. Well, Brad S. like you said , that is exactly how it still is. Except the work day is a little longer on my side.
And, after all, he is still here watching over me, cheering me on. So what are the adventures to come?
Will I get that tattoo to honor him? Will I develop the skills I am seeking to become a better, more sensitive and effective soul? Will those new skills allow me to serve others and find my true purpose? Time will tell. As I grow, I will become better equipped to join the dance of life.
May you all dance along with me.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Such a Beautiful Day

My gosh, finally! A beautiful day here in Okeana. Right now I have the windows open and the house fan on, blowing the winter funk from the house. Next, a good vacuuming and dusting. So far a very good weekend. Mitch made me an offer for Nick and I sold him. I prefer to sell the calves all in a trailer load, but since Nick is in Prudy's garage, this is the better option. He was killing me in feed costs anyway. Now little Marty is on his own in there, but that gives us a better opportunity to get him in really good shape for the fair.

So already today we took a long walk around the loop and into the woods. Fed the horses a pack of skittles - pure sugar in a rainbow of flavors- what's not to love? Joe was eyeing me again. I really dislike having to worry about walking my own place. Oh well, very soon Joe will be in a trailer and on his way to his next adventure. Last night Buck clobbered me a good one in the face. Annie jumped up at him and startled him, just as I was blowing into his nostril, and BAM!! Saw stars with that one.

Bought myself a beautiful ametrine crystal yesterday. It really called out to me as I walked by and I just had to have it. It is mainly purple, with just a small amount of the yellow citrine in it. 6 sided. Really comfortable in my hands. They had a large piece of clear quartz crystal too that I really liked, but it was extremely phallic, and even though it gave me a good laugh, I decided to go with the amethyst.

Ok, so time for a good, long hard look at the other farm. Need to weigh the pros and cons of keeping versus selling. Just created a plan, and I am pretty much as confused as ever. I guess the point is, I have time. I have the rest of my life, actually. However long that may be. No worries. The way things have been going for me, I know that the greates good will come. The answer is there, I just need to allow it, and it will come. Then I will know.

Well, my head is throbbing. Nothing even remotely wise is coming out of this one. I think I have used all my brain waves thinking earlier, so I will put this post to bed and try again later. Maybe some brilliant insight will hit me while I am vacuuming.


Friday, April 5, 2013

New Beginnings

Well, yesterday was my last day at the old job. I have to say, a lot of people really showed me they were going to miss me. Never really knew that I was so liked. Got lots of hugs. Both Harry and Dave gave me big ol bear hugs, which I love. Will really miss Beth. She is such an awesome friend. But like I said, we are the kind of friends that will continue to stick together. Looking forward to new beginnings with new (and much more positive) people. I have been experiencing an overwhelming feeling of peace and well being, like I am on the right path.

Kind of a funny feeling: memories resurfacing. Every time I see a white van ( have been seeing them a lot lately ) I remember Chip. I remember how excited I would get to see him pull into the driveway and know that in a few seconds my love would be in my arms.  Also went for a walk today and the memories were flooding in. The big rock, the fallen trees, the pond, the lovey log, etc. Every sight was a memory. And then into the garage, where all of his things still are. No, I cannot bear to move anything. I have the rest of my life to do that. So the feelings are both happy and sad.

Lots of ideas for fixing the place up. First a chainsaw and lots of work and getting the front yard cleaned up so I can get new fence installed there. A new front door. A new shed in the back yard. Install the pond back there too. And some other landscaping. Then remodel the bathrooms and get new carpet. That should make my little cocoon perfect. Then that makes me sad too, because I will be changing things without him. Good Lord, he is still by my side, he is encouraging me to live and enjoy, don't you think? And remember, these are things that we already talked about doing. I will just be moving forward on our plans.

Have 2 more bales of hay to move out to pasture this weekend. I was going to do it today but I went shopping instead and picked up a couple of blouses. The cows are out grazing and even though there is not much grass out there right now, in a few more days there will be plenty. Then time to mow the lawn.

Still haven't worked through whether I should keep the other farm or sell it. So much to think about. But it's not going anywhere.  Except I have to tell Josh if he can have the hay this year or not. Aughhhhh. But if I lived in a little house in a neighborhood with a white picket fence, maybe I would not have all this work and stress, but also I would not have the lifestyle that I have come to cherish. I can't give up. I won't give up. Are you proud, Chip? I have really been thinking hard about this. Part of me wonders if it is one of my lessons to figure out how to do this on my own. That is hard. I can do a lot of things, things that most other people wouldn't think of, wouldn't possibly attempt. Anybody else spent 6 hours with your arm in a cow, pulling a calf? I'm proud of my abilities. I'll try almost anything. But, really, Chip was always by my side, always there to catch me when I fell ( even literally) . Hell, when Buck exploded on me, he picked me up off the ground. Can I do this? And what direction do I take? Show cattle, beef cattle, breaking and training horses? ( although, see above, I may be getting a little old and brittle for that ) I just want to make Chip proud, just want him to be ok with my decisions.

Well, I haven't been terrified lately. I realize that the Universe is working to guide me on my path. Just gotta chill and allow. Funny, but instinctively I feel that I need to go one day at a time. I have always been a worrier. Then when Chip got sick, I realized that no amount of worrying about the future was going to change it. Worry only wastes precious time. Still, there are those moments that bring me to my knees. Well, you all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. But anyway. Dammit! I am pretty awesome! I can do anything I set my heart to.  But I can plant the seed and then trust and let Nature take over. The sun and rain and earth will nurture that seed, then I can harvest it. And share it. Part of my path, I think. Really, I think I have come pretty far. Many more adventures to come.

Hope you will travel with me.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Countdown Begins

Tomorrow is my last day at the courthouse. I am so very very excited to start my new job. I love the people I am going to be working for and with. It will be really nice to join a group of really good people. I will really miss Beth. And Gigi. But Beth said that we are the kind of friends that will stick together no matter. I truly hope that is true.

Today was a rough day at work. A man having a bad day called in and began to cry. Another man who was mentally challenged came in and made a scene. I figure, they are giving me all sorts of reasons to not miss this job. I have been so excited and pre occupied about the new job that I have not spent much time studying and working on myself. I need to just relax and allow. Center and ground myself.

Still thinking about the farm in Indiana. Need to make a business plan and weigh the pros and cons of both options. If I find a good business partner, then we can make a little money, and enjoy the lifestyle. If I sell, I have a great return on the initial investment and can reinvest in the house here, which needs lots of work.And then, cattle?, horses?, both?  And seriously, who would I find to partner up with?  Dave is the only one I can think of , and he is so busy with all his farms that I fear he has no time for me. Have to work on it and really determine what my heart wants. Right now I am confused and can't tell if I am really picking up impressions of what could / should be or if it is just wishful thinking. Again, as with all the wonderful things that have been manifesting in my life lately, if it is meant to be, then it shall be, and the perfect circumstances will unfold and present themselves to me.

Really proud of Prudy - she got a promotion that she wanted. Yeah, we have an angel watching over us for sure! It's about time. But you know, I would give anything, anything, to have Chip back , fat and happy and healthy. Do you know how much I long to get my big bear hug from him, saying " way to go Red, you got that job! I'm so proud of you!" Oh, I know he is here, and I know he is proud. But I miss him so darn much. So many wonderful things are happening in my life, and I know that more are to come, but it is hard to walk this without the love of my life physically by my side. Yeah, I've said it before, but I do know that he wants me to be happy, to feel joy and bliss. I also know that when I am happy and joyful, he is happy and dances by my side. He is always with me. And it is not disrespectful of our love for me to be happy and have fun. It actually honors him and our love. I know, you walk by my side, always by my side. I feel ya!

Getting tired. Bearing your soul is exhausting work!

Love and Light


Monday, April 1, 2013

Looks Like Spring Out There

It sure does, sunshine and grass going all green. Now if it were a little warmer than 47 degrees. 20 more degrees and I could be out on the patio reading and relaxing.

People keep coming up to me and telling me they are going to miss me at work. I really had no idea how many people actually liked me. I try to stay out of the line of fire, so to speak. Beth is going to be the hard one to leave. She is my favorite person there. We need to keep in touch. But I can't wait to start my new job. It will be nice to be somewhere that my efforts will be appreciated, and I will have a feeling of accomplishment.

This, like Spring, symbolizes a new beginning. I have lost weight, and just today while looking in the mirror, realized that my eyes are not as puffy, my face a little smoother than it has been. I look less stressed. Time to work on some other areas of my life that I wish to improve. Going to keep building the muscles. After Buck blew my back out I gained weight and lost muscle. Time to reverse that and become strong and fit again. I stopped writing and had my session with Brad, and now I am back. But no one knew that - unless you are psychic. Which by the way- awesome!!

If anyone reads this and is in need of a most incredible therapist, I HIGHLY recommend Brad Simkins.


If you look at my blog posts, you  can see how far I have come in these past few months. I can truly say that Brad has had a huge impact in my life and his help has been an integral part in my healing and success. I can not tell you enough, what a sense of peace and relief I have found through working with him. Please check out his website- you will not be disappointed.

And I had more to say, but suddenly I am depleted. The last few days of "partying" have seemingly caught up with me. Ah, time for a bit of tv and then to bed with my book. Something "naughty" L/C and I did tonight: for dinner, I had a huge dark chocolate butter cream filled egg. And nothing else. So the calories will balance out then, right? Hey, wait till you see the muscles I am developing. Literally and figuratively. I can burn off that chocolate easy. Memory: Chip used to always say he was afraid when I made a fist. He'd say " you ball up that little fist and you could punch right through me!" Nah, never, love. All I had to do was smile that smile and I had you right where you wanted to be ;)

Be excellent!