Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter

Yesterday was such a glorious day! Sunshine, warmer. I banded Marty. Mason was perplexed. "you did what to his balls??"  Mike couldn't even look. " oh oh oh, tell me when it's over". Yeah, there you go - boys never piss me off.  And I sold Nick. We haven't negotiated price yet, but Mitch committed to taking him. Good thing I didn't castrate him too, cause Mitch wants him as a bull. Prudy and the kids have been doing a good job, because when I took Nick out to have a look at him, he led like a perfect angel. God, I remember my own bottle calves of just a few years ago - Chip and me being mommy and they would follow us all over the place like puppies.



Yeah, I remember.  And even though I have been down and worried about the farm, whether or not I can do this on my own, these are the days that remind me of why we do this. This is my life. I have a tendency to want to run away from life from time to time. Like a 6 year old child, running away seems the only solution to a scary life. Now that I am the "mother" to that scared, lonely 6 year old child, I am forced to reconsider that form of escape. This is home, and running away is not going to solve anything. Working through the fear is a good start. Chip is standing over my shoulder right now and I feel that he is in agreement. He hated when I used to exlaim "I quit!" and "I give up!" even if I didn't really mean it, just blowing off steam. He never gave up. Never quit the fight, even when he knew. He fought a grand, hard fight. I am so proud of him. In his honor, I must not give up. This game is mine to play, and I intend to come out the other side victorious. You will be so proud, love.
I AM a powerful, limitless, spiritual being formed of love and light. And I shall carry that love and light, and share it with all beings. We are all in this together, we are all connected.
Last night we went to our nephews wedding. It was a wonderful evening. Nancy invited me to ride with her and Steve. Since I don't drive much at night, good thing. Also good because Steve kept putting beer in front of me. As a very very light drinker, 2 beers was more than enough on an empty stomach ( if I drink at all it may be a few sips from a can and I am done. ) so I turned down the third. And now I know what a hangover must feel like. Caleb was ring bearer and he was just adorable. Again, I am so blessed that these people have opened their arms and accepted me as part of the family. I have said before, blood does not make a family. I have no blood family.  Well, I just said we are all connected, so that is a little hyprocritical. But you know what I mean. Chip was my whole family, my everything. The icing on the cake is that all of these people who are his blood family, accept me. And there are a few friends out there also, that I feel a connection to. Soul friends. Part of a group, we have been together many times, playing many different roles in each others lives. Always we find our way back to one another, just as our soul mates do. Here to touch each others lives with love and light and enjoy the game together.
Much Love - know you are not alone. ( and remind me of that once in a while )


Friday, March 29, 2013

Taking Time

Today I took some time to be good to myself. Wasn't feeling too well, so I figured that was a good excuse to burn up some of those sick hours that I won't get paid for when I leave the courthouse. When I got home I went to check on the cows and horses since they were right in the back yard :

Do you see how the grass is starting to green up? Joe the bull is looking at me like "bitch, better run".
So I said " screw you, Joe". Then I walked away, Slloooooowwwllllyyy. Shows him!

And Buck is having a grand time. He got his cotton candy and then decided to kick up his heels a little.

Then off to a shower and rest. It's nice to be good to yourself.

Have some homework to do. Could really use a friend. You know, just someone calling just to chat. A lot of people are coming up to me and telling me that they will help me - if I need anything just ask. This is so nice. It is hard for me to ask for help though. But the place looks so forlorn right now. Sill no leaves on the trees and the grass needs some serious sunshine. And the yard needs cleaned up from all those serious storms that came through and put down so many limbs. Once it gets dry enough I will put the bucket on the tractor and bring it up to the house and start some clean up. We are right at that tipping point - the one where all of the sudden the cows just stop eating hay and go right to grazing. Happens every year. And then time to cut the grass in the yard. That is a chore that I really enjoy. And if it is nice tomorrow, I will open all the windows and turn the fan on and air out the winter funk from the house - Spring cleaning!!

I intended to blog a little about my feelings , I have been missing Chip the last couple of days. I guess last week was so exciting, and now that things are calmer I am feeling the let down. Oh, I am still so unbelievably excited about my new job and everything, don't get me wrong. And the radio show on Tuesday - I got to share all of my happy news with everyone. It is such a blessing to connect with such wonderful people.

Well, my intentions were good, but the couch is calling. There's always tomorrow.

Peace Out.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A Quickie

Amazing. That's all I can say. It feels so good to know you are capable, that you have friends, that you are loved.  I had several strange sensations last weekend and feel that this may be a pivotal point in my development. I have been really open to the Universal forces this week and been having some wonderful feelings and experiences and insights. Like the idea about the farm popping into my head. I was all set to sell it and now I have inspiration to look into other options. 1. If I sell, there will be money. 2. If I get a partner and expand, there will also be money - and more work - but hey LIFE WITHOUT WORK IS GUILT - WORK WITHOUT ART IS BRUTALITY.   And of course, the land will continue to appreciate in value the longer I hold it. What to do...
And the salary I was asking for just being offered, without me even asking for that amount - the exact amount! And the job itself. I AM worthy.

Chip has been close. I need to remember my nap on our anniversary. He was there with me. It is kind of difficult to push aside a lifetime of conditioning and open to the wonders of the Universe, but I am working on it and I am completely open to it. No analyzing, just trust.

I am moving away from the negativity of my old job and into a new adventure. I know Chip is proud of my accomplishments. I wish I could hear him, hear his voice, "atta girl, Red!" Just believe. But all the things I have been requesting from the Universe are manifesting. This, too, will come. I will work toward it and I am worthy of it.

And since the Universe is being so generous, I have a few more requests :

Love, Light and Healing energy to all my friends. We are all connected. We are all one. May all your dreams come true. May all your problems evaporate. May you know only love, health , happiness and success.

Love and safety and food for all the homeless and unwanted animals - may you all find your loving forever homes. And also for the wild ones.

The same for all homeless people. And the elderly and the children.

May the pastures grow lush, thick with sweet, succulent grasses for all of my bovine and equine friends. And the hay fields produce record crops. Oh, and someone to come along and help me get all that hay cut and baled.


Sunday, March 24, 2013

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary, Love! 21 years today. God. Nearly half my life. And oh, how I wish, well, you know. Remember that first date? You brought me here, to the farm and introduced me to all the cows and the horses. You showed me Red, and the calf she was carrying." See, there's the eye!" 
Then dinner. Then back to my house where we watched Man From Snowy River I and II and Sylvester. It was nearly 2 when you left. And we have been inseparable ever since. Well, love never dies. In you I found soul mate, love,best friend,  protector, audience, cheer squad, therapist, life coach, confidant - you name it. There was absolutely nothing we couldn't ( or didn't ) do.
So many adventures. I am enjoying looking back to my old blogs and revisiting some of the memories within. Very rewarding. This is not the venue to share all of my personal thoughts and memories, some will remain just that, personal. I can feel you breathing a sigh of relief! But there are so many precious, beautiful, fun, exciting things that I need to put down here, to revisit and savor.

Remember all the rodeos? Sitting in the barn, in the dark with flashlights, in 20 degree sleet storm, waiting for a cow to calve? Pulling calves, sitting up with sick animals, all the lives we watched come into this world, and those we were with when they moved on to the next step of their journey. The ones that we saved when the vet gave up? Now that was something. We were unstoppable. Remember when the vet stated that that one cow would never get up, and we managed to get her to her feet, just the two of us. Somehow found the strength to lift an 800 pound cow. And of course the cow with the calf we had to pull out piece by piece.  And me doing the plunge into that pool of liquid manure? And breaking Peaches? What a magnificent beast. How many miles of fence did we put up and walk and clear? And you on your loader, clearing the woods. You were in sheer bliss there, my friend. Better than sex. Well, maybe not.

Remember when T.J got a wild hair and started chasing us? We were in the open in the middle of the pasture. And no matter how sweet he was, you still run like hell when a 2000 pound bull is chasing you. Bear got in his way and he was playing with him and TJ rolled Bear, and Whitey got in there, all 10 pounds of her and bit TJ on the nose to get him to back off. And we ran. And we went to go over the fence and it was hot and you shocked yourself good. And we laughed so hard. And how we had that special relationship with TJ, and I could go out there and sit on him like a horse and he would just stand there?

And those are just a few.

Well, I feel you here right now, very strongly. I know you know how I feel. I am working hard on this. We will add more memories. We are on a great adventure, you and I and I am open and excited for it.

Now in your honor, I am going to go have some Makers Mark and watch Sylvester. Be with me. Love me. We are one.

May the light of God's love be with us all.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


Felt pushed to add this to the previous post in regards to the farm in Indiana:

I remember how much work it was to cut hay out there - loading up the equipment and then cutting, raking, teddering and baling all day. 90 degree weather. No shelter. No bathrooms. ( ! )  Several days, long days - sun up to sunset and beyond ( again, no bathrooms or running water )  long, hot, dusty days. Then loading the hay and taking it all home - trip after trip. And how much fun it was to be doing all that work with the man I love. And after, a long shower and then sitting on the patio in the moonlight enjoying a cold beer. And , oh my god, the electric blue slush puppies , brain freezes ! All these memories and feelings just started to well up in me.

Be excellent to one another!

Deep Thoughts

Almost made a Freudian slip in my spelling.

Life is such a beautiful thing. Though it is filled with struggle, pain and turmoil, it always, always goes back to its origin - Love. So many wonderful things have happened so far this year, this is kind of a 1st quarter report. First, I am coming to the realization that it is ok to live and be happy. Chip wants this for us. It is no honor to him to deny myself happiness and contentment. Being kind to myself, gentle and caring, is actually showing him my love and respect. Like I said before, he was always extremely protective of me. Nothing has changed. But yes, dear, I still miss you. I miss the sound of your voice,loudest thing in my ear. I miss the touch of your skin, the beat of your heart as you hold me close. Nothing, nothing will change that. But I know, too, that you are working to help facilitate these wonderful things that are appearing in my life ( our lives ) .  I have made some new friends, who give me the feeling that I have known them all along, over many lifetimes. Especially important right now as I am reaching out to the Universe to seek my soul friends, and with them a sense of belonging. Going back to my childhood, I never felt as if I belonged. I was a stranger and was treated like it, too. What could the reason for this be? Why would I not be born into my soul family? Did these people have things to teach me, or damage me, that I needed in order to align with my life's path? Does the fact that there are 20 years between Chip and me have anything to do with it? But anyway, there are people out there that I feel a deep connection to, and I hope that I am able to develop that connection. This is all about learning.

Something to work on:  I am absolutely amazed and humbled that the Universe is providing me with these wonderful things. I need to remember that I deserve them. And many more fantastic things as well. Now to become more sensitive and able to connect with Spirit and Source.

Ben and Paul came by today to pick up the old tanks and hay wagon that I sold them. While they were hauling things off, I experienced a huge wave of melancholy. Here were things that Chip brought home so excitedly, with plans to create something new out of them, something useful. He never got to do that. And now I am sending them off with someone else. Sad for so many reasons. But I cannot use them, and Ben and Paul are going to make use of them as Chip intended. This way the creativity lives on, and I get the place a little cleaned up. I just hope Chip understands this. It wasn't difficult to sell Bella, since he and I had already discussed it and planned to. But some of these things, I know he had big plans for and it makes me sad to think he never got a chance to do it.

We also discussed selling the farm in Indiana. I am all set to do this, and then just this morning, while thinking about getting things started, I had a second thought. The home farm is big enough to support the numbers we have already, and a few more. If I concentrate on a few high quality head of cattle for breeding and showing purposes, then we will be fine. If I want to increase the herd for commercial purposes, then we will need more hay ground, which is where the farm in Indiana comes in. Up until this point, I have been happy to cut back on the numbers and relax a little, be good to myself and not create any additional stress. But now, since the Universe is blessing me with all these wonderful gifts, I am feeling a little more adventurous. But I cannot do it by myself. I will need a business partner. I have a couple of people in mind that I could trust. But I just don't know. I mean, the thought came to me this morning, clear as a bell, but is it just wishful thinking, or a real sign?  I will think about it, and if it is meant to be, then the people I have in mind will approach me and I will know. And we can start from there.

Tell you what, I have been feeling all kinds of confident lately! I deserve these wonderful gifts, and it's ok to be happy. This is my time. I have not felt so good in a long time. Chip is by my side, this I know, and he is cheering me on in this journey. Don't know if you read this, Brad, but if you do ( or even if you don't I am still sending love and light ) I am so grateful for all the work we are doing together. I Am learning, I Am BEcoming, I Am evolving.

Just got a "nudge"   " There is much to do my friend. Loved one, we will do this together, the universe is ours to see. Let us traverse it together and be free."

Love and light to all


Thursday, March 21, 2013

So Excited

It has been a long time since I have felt so excited and free and joyful. I woo-hoo'd all the way home in the car last night, so much that I was hoarse when I got home. You see, I got a new job last night. Here's the thing. A few days earlier, I sent a request to the Universe, asking for a new opportunity. My old job was just too stressful and soul sucking, with little to no satisfaction. My coworkers are mostly bitter and negative and unhappy. And really, if anyone has an excuse to be bitter and unhappy, I could take that. But I am not defined by the events that happened to me, but rather the way I rise above them and move on. And I have been extremely positive. Well, the Universe answered me with an attorney approaching me asking if I knew anyone who wanted to be a legal secretary. Silly me, I thought he was asking in general, didn't realize that he had me in mind. So he said to call him, and I spent the weekend fretting over whether I wanted to go for it or not. Yeah, I was terrified. Would I be qualified enough? Would I have enough of an education? Etc. Etc.  Then on Tuesday I ran into him and he said "Cindy, what the hell?, I thought you were gonna call me?" So I committed to an interview for Wednesday night after work. And fretted all day, same shit. Well, I mentioned it to Brad, my therapist hero, and he worked me through the fear. I am worthy, by God! And by Wednesday morning I was so excited I could hardly wait. Well, when I got there, I was prepared to interview, to work to get the job. It appears that the job was already mine. Do you know how flattering that is? You see, all these years I have been an excellent, hardworking, dedicated employee and never really got anywhere. The county froze our salaries, took away a lot of our benefits, etc. during budget cuts, so we were stuck. But evidently the attorneys were watching, and my hard work was not going unnoticed. So I was offered the position and I am so excited! I love this guy - he has an awesome sense of humor and is very fun loving and goofy. And icing on the cake, today after I formally resigned from my old position, and was spreading the news, a couple of attorneys approached me to congratulate me. Huh?? don't know how they knew, but there is some underground info mill going on. And Brad, my new boss, came in and said the same thing - how all these attorneys were telling him how lucky he is to have nabbed me! Flattery overload! They like me , they really, really like me. And that has to make him feel good about the deal.  So my friends, I am going to celebrate.

And now for a shower. It is the second day of spring and it snowed today. I need to implore the Universe to send warmth and sunshine and just enough rain as needed to grow some rich lush pasture and hayfields. We need grass! We have another old cow who is struggling and her calf needs some help. This weekend I am going to get him in the barn and start feeding him. We will bring the other two down and put them in the stall with him and then have all three together. They are really eating me out of house and home, but now I am going to be making enough money to afford them.

I guess the point I want to make is that the Universe absolutely did answer my call.  Wonderful things are beginning to happen to me and I deserve them. The more I step back and just allow, the more blessings come my way.

Many blessings to all!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Will the Sun Ever Shine?

Double meaning.

Another winter weather advisory for today and tonight. Damn it!!! We need warmth and sun for the pastures to grow.

I continue to work on myself, but am having a difficult time these last few weeks. I did turn on Pandora Radio yesterday and danced around the house cleaning. This is really tough work, you know. I have lost weight this week. YAYYYYY! I need to continue strengthening my muscles, physically, emotionally, spiritually. There is a lot of work to be done out there and in here. I have not had many hits of inspiration lately. I love when "something" inside me just takes over, pushes my analytical mind to the side, and lets flow.

Really look forward to Monday and Tuesday nights now. Best nights of the week. You know, I just love challenges. If you tell me to do something, chances are I will rise to the occasion. I guess when I am depressed, it is just a little harder to remember. I need something soothing for the soul.
There are just so many things on my mind right now that I feel very overwhelmed, as I can see with the disjointedness of this post. I am all over the place. My feelings of connection have not been as strong the last several days, and this is really depressing me. Of course I am panicking that this is it and I will not have those wonderful encounters again. I simply cannot believe that though. Things should be getting stronger. What is holding me back? 

Looks like I need to go get myself grounded. Maybe that will help. I spent the entire day in the house yesterday with the exception of getting Kurt into the woods. It is time to go to the farm and walk amongst them. Maybe I will be able to get a couple of those young bulls castrated. Best to do it now before the flys come out. Yeah, there is something I am capable of - professional ball removal. I do know that when I am in a better place emotionally that my thoughts will flow more fluidly as well. The continuity is just hindered for now. But I am working on it. No one can say that I am not trying.


Saturday, March 16, 2013

And Now For Something Completely Different

What to do, what to do? The other day an attorney stopped me in the hall and asked if I knew anyone looking for a job as a legal assistant. I didn't have the ability to ask him details at that time , but he said to call his assistant and get the scoop. When she called later to set a hearing, I asked her what was going on and she said that Brad mentioned that I would be calling. She stated that she thinks I would really fit in at the office and wanted to set up an interview with me. Ok, so here's the hard part. Do I do it? I have a little fear about the unknown. Don't want to jump from the gates of hell right into the flames, you know. But maybe, maybe this is the thing I have been looking for. And an interview does not mean that I will get offered the job. Here's the thing, earlier this week I sent out to the Universe a request to help me find a new job, because the one I have is sucking the life from me. And a couple of days later, here comes Brad. First, it is exciting to think that I can go do something new and learn new things. Second, I am needing a change. There are several things that need to fall into place in order for me to be willing to go if I were to be offered the position. The salary being the major factor. It is a little further, but mostly expressway driving, rather than all the back country roads I currently travel. That can be better or worse depending on how you look at it. I can't bear to leave Beth behind. But she is following her own path as well. And she and I can remain friends, I am sure. So, should I interview? Am I good enough? Can I do this? Is the fear I have based on my intuition saying this is not the path for me, or is it just my ego stating a trepidation of the unknown, change, needing to push myself to new things? Will I be disappointed if I don't get offered the position?  Wish I knew. Guess I will pray on it and see what comes up. The Universe will place things in my path to guide me, it's up to me to follow.

Been dancing around the house most of the morning, cleaning. The sun wants to come out, and it is kind of getting warmer. The guy we bought the ATV off of just came to the door asking if he can go through the woods looking for deer antlers. So I just gave him a quick tour of the area that I have not already looked, warned him about the bull, and sent him off to search. Hope he finds some good ones, 'cause I sure haven't come across any. Thinking of the work that needs done in the yard, but it is much too wet and muddy to even think about it. I prefer to stay inside with a cup of tea and my Seth books and read a bit. Ah, Kurt just came back with not just an antler, but the entire skull. Good for him. Sad that the poor buck lost his life. Kurt said it was probably there about 3 years. Well, the deer know they have a safe haven here on the place. No hunting allowed. So now time for some lunch and a little reading. I have roughly 1800 pages of Seth material to digest.

Sending loving thoughts to everyone who comes across this.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Five Months

It is almost inconceivable that it has been five months since my beloved transitioned from this earthly existence and entered into his spiritual journey. How many tears have I shed? How many memories have I desperately resurrected, in order to preserve them? There is so much. So much. The shock and the pain are diminishing slowly, to be replaced by different emotions altogether. I miss him so much, miss the sound of his voice, the loving touch of his hand, the bristle of his beard against my cheek. The exquisite pressure of his shoulder against mine as we sit side by side on the couch, or the soul connection we shared while sitting on the "lovey log" while walking the loop in the field.

There are so many memories. And even though I know he loved ( loves ) me dearly, now I realize just how much he showed it in his actions. He was fiercely protective of me. He wanted me to be happy above all else. He gave me the gift of his time, which is so precious, even when he might also have wanted to be on his tractor bush hogging, or some other activity that fulfilled him so. If I wanted it, really wanted it, he made sure I got it. I only just now got the fact that Buck was the ultimate gift from him. He knew. He knew my heart needed an escape from real life, from caretaking, from the fear and grief. Horses brought us together in the beginning, they continue to be a connection. Oh, how I wish he had been able to work with me and Buck. Can you imagine what a wonderful, well trained horse he would be by now? I wanted to show him what Buck and I could do together. Yes, I can work him myself, if I can summon the courage to do it. I believe I have it within me, and Chip will be my guide. On horseback we can turn into music.

And I, too, took great pleasure in doing things for him. Packed his lunch every day, put special reminders of my love in there, always a sweet surprise. And if he wanted a piece of equipment, he got it. God, how he loved his new tractor with heat and air conditioning and cd stereo. That thing is more luxurious than a cadillac. I wonder if I showed him how very much I love him. Does he know? One always guesses , once the opportunity is gone. Does he realize how my heart and soul yearn for him? Did I treat him like he so richly deserves to be treated? I know we had those conversations. It's just that now, now I can't hear him say it. I long to hear him say that he knows how I feel. Life has blessed me. I have no regrets. I know that I did everything I could , gave of my heart and soul. I was blessed to walk this earth in the company of a great man. I hope and pray that I earned that blessing.

And our journey is not over. It has only just begun. Though I have fear as to the uncertainity that the future holds for me, I look to that future with open arms and open heart. My beloved will walk by my side. There is no division between our existence. It is merely perception. Someday I will discover the answer. Our souls will dance in joy.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Spring Has Got to Be Coming!

It is one of those years that it seems as if Spring is thumbing her nose at us. This weekend it was nearly 70 degrees. Today, snow and ice. And I took the mustang out, thinking, "naw, it isn't that bad out there". Sliding onto the wrong side of the road as a salt truck is coming at you the other way is scary. But we got there. I love that little car. My 40th birthday present from Chip. Here is a pic of it when I first got it:

So, yeah, know I understand where Chip was coming from when he started to get uneasy that the grass wasn't going to grow and we would have no pasture or hay. And I was always the one to reassure him that it would. Who will reassure me?  And I still have to line up someone to help with the cutting and baling. I can do the raking and teddering, no sweat. But it may take me a while to learn to run the other equipment. It's some big honking stuff.

I am really enjoying blogging again. Like I said in the last post, I discovered so many memories in my old blog, and it gave me a whole new perspective. So in recording my thoughts and feelings here, I will be expanding that gift to myself.

Reading the book "Seth Speaks" by "Seth" and channeled by Jane Roberts. It is absolutely fascinating. Kind of hard to grasp unless I am sitting in absolute quite with no distractions. It is really giving me food for thought.

Well, my mind just went blank. I guess that means it is time for a shower and left over meatloaf. Then my favorite shows. Maybe I will have something deeper to post tomorrow. It's in there, just got to let it free. Must remember that I need to be true to myself. Chip is waving over my shoulder - he would like some attention, too. ;) 

Love to all!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Overwhelmed in a Good Way

Wow, first, I am taking a sick day today. I really needed it and am already feeling much better. While contemplating a post for today, I happened to visit one of my old blogs. So good golly, here I sit, laughing and crying at all the memories I have rediscovered on those pages. It's like uncovering a box full of old pictures. Things I had almost forgotten, things that make my heart sing. I see that even five years ago I had the same feelings. I also see how talented I am, and how I have grown in those years.

Here is something I wrote a long time ago in a post on that old blog. It fits here:

God, please help me to find my way and do that which I was put here to do. Let my relationships with those I love become even stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. Allow me to grow wiser and kinder, happier and more joyous. Help me find the drive to go, do, and be all the wonderful things I dream of ( and those I have not yet imagined ) and to help make a positive difference in the lives of others. Let patience and wisdom guide me in difficult times, knowing that the good times are just ahead. Let me be special and loved by others. Let me matter. Let me give of myself gladly, and get back what I need in return. Help me to let my dearest and truest friends know their value. Bless us and watch over us all. Amen.

Yeah, it is hard to be vulnerable. I am beginning to allow. So now I have unearthed this treasure chest of old memories and I believe that going back there and reviewing those memories are going to be very beneficial to my growth and my joy and happiness. I realize that this is more for me than for anyone else, this is a gift to myself. I hope that through my journey I may be of some inspiration to others, but I have just done something wonderful for myself in revisiting my past.

BE AWEsome

Sunday, March 10, 2013


The day started well, with much promise, and really it stayed that way for the most part. Then all of a sudden I started to feel down. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of Chip. I was reminded of all the things he wanted to do and now would not get the chance to do here and now. I thought I was doing pretty well, and now things have been a little rough. I really felt alone. I needed a hug. A big ol bear hug like he used to give me. Buck was there so I crossed the creek and walked over to him and he didn't run away like usual. He came to me. I put my arms around his neck and he bent down and gave me a big hug. Several of them. He seemed quite content to be there with me. Do you know how comforting it is to cry into a horses mane?  I breathed in the wonderful scent of horse, and he nuzzled my back with his lips. I was reminded of how Chip encouraged me to buy Buck , he said " If it is Love, then you need to buy him, and this is Love".  There is a reason that crazy horse is here. I know I have mentioned this before, but we have much to teach each other.

Then as I walked back across the creek and turned toward home, the calves started to play in the feed lot. They were running and leaping into the air, bucking and kicking and bulling one another. I suddenly realized, look at all this new life. Look at how joyous they are. We have made it through Winter. We are here. We lost a dear cow friend along the way, but she is now on her new journey. And it hit me - life is going on here. There is a metaphor here.  Chip was the one who always worried if the grass would grow again and I was the one who reassured him that, yes, it surely would. And I know without a doubt that it will.

Being Good To Yourself

I love this being good to myself - this self care. The things that are most important to me are walking the place and connecting to nature, and, of course, to Chip. When I am "out there"  I feel as one with the Universe and Source. It is becoming very apparent that when I let go and relax, things flow much more easily to me. There are so many things I am interested in , that I wish to accomplish on this path, and if I become too obsessed over it , I will be overwhelmed and not process anything at all effectively.  It's like, too much to do and not enough time. Like Chip always said ( says ) and I have repeated here before, "go with the flow" .

I have been feeling very dependant and needy lately. Always been a problem with me, needing other peoples approval. Something I need to work on. It feels so good to know other people have your back. Will I be able to learn how to "connect"? Will I be successful? Oh, but just now comes an inspiration:  when I quit work to go back to school, I was terrified. I am too old, can I really learn new things, what if I am too "stupid" to get it?  etc.  Well, when I got there, it was so easy, and I enjoyed it immensely. It gave me a great feeling of empowerment and accomplishment. And then, when I had gotten all that was available from that school,  I left and went on to study on my own and get the "degree". I just love to be a student!!  I thrive on it. I guess I just lose myself in my insecurity that I will be inadequate, unloveable, etc. We have accomplished so many things this time around, and we have many more adventures to enjoy.

I do not subscribe to the idea that we need to "move on". If we are multidimensional beings, existing on many levels at once, then we have the ability to be at all places at all times.There really is no spacetime there.  Therefore, my personality ( Cin ) may be here and now, but my higher self is also existing "somewhere"  else. This applies to all of us. If we are all connected to the Source ( God ) , we are all connected to one another. I hope that one of the things that is important to Chip is to be here with me, where I can perceive him with my five senses. But beyond there is something most wonderful. I hope to better understand these concepts, and put them to use in my life, here and now. Patience...

And Prudy has just called to ask me to go to the farm with her and Mike and we are going to enjoy this wonderful day ( nearly 70 freaking degrees! ) and do a little work. And the message I am getting right now is - " go on, get out there and enjoy this. Get out of the house and enjoy". Yes sir!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Wow Kind Of Day

Just got back from walking the entire place, nearly 4 hours worth. In my Hellboy T shirt and boots. Still a little chilly, but not so much that I was cold in short sleeves. I checked fence, put up some fence and just spent most of the day relishing in the beauty that surrounds me. And yes, Chip was there. I felt him as I tugged on the barb wire fence with my bare hands ( I almost always carry gloves)
and when I checked out the new baby. He walked beside me when I got to the old wagon trail and walked along the cliff overlooking the big creek. I felt his love. I felt his devotion. He was experiencing this beautiful place with me - we were sharing a wonderful moment together.

When I am feeling happy, I believe that he is happy too. He doesn't like for me to be sad.I don't think that he ever feels sad anymore, because he is all Light and Love, but I know he is concerned for me. And I am working through this thing the best I can. There are good day and there are not so good days.  When I am happiest, I notice him more for the most part. I think it may be because my vibration is higher and more pure when I feel positive , when I feel empowered and awake and alive. This probably increases the connection we have to one another, and he does not have to lower his vibration so much to more closely match mine.

 Our consciousness is pure energy, and energy travels on waves, so we can allow our consciousness to flow on these waves and connect to anyone we wish.It's hard to wrap my mind around, but I just believe and allow. Who knows how this stuff works, really? It's all about faith. This is key. I get these little flashes of insight and feel like I am slowly putting together the puzzle pieces. Do you think that perhaps I will be able to train myself ( or open to the Universe's gifts ) to be able to make contact? To connect and experience? Ahhhh... much to think about. I long to discuss this all with others.

Oh, and I found the mouse! Little bastard went and died under the refrigerator, on the coils. No wonder it smelled so bad in there! I am sorry that he had to give his life, but he was the one that got on my turf and pooped all over my forks and spoons. So I pulled out the stove and fridge and cleaned under and around. My kitchen is sparkling again. Maybe I will get my appetite back now.

And as for those sesame seeds - I know what happened there. No idea how, but buddy you sure are clever. You are making me work for those signs. Wink Wink.

Here are a couple of pictures that I took today during my very uplifting walk.

  New boy!

Zoe and her girl

Joe who is about 2 years old now
Love to everyone!

Thursday, March 7, 2013


Today at work I got this incredible epiphany. I picked up a decree and when I began to review it I got these awful sensations, like the document was giving off pure anger. I realized that the people that turned in the paperwork, were the same ones who had been insanely nasty and hateful to us and each other a few days earlier. I believe that I was picking up the emotions of these people. And this explains so much, how I can be working along and feel great and then review a document and start to feel anxious, angry, depressed, etc. for seemingly no reason at all. My God, it all makes sense now.  This has happened to me all along since I have been working at my job, but I have noticed it more so in the last several months and was chalking it up to all the stress and such that I have been going through myself. Could it possibly be that I am becoming more sensitive and aware? Am I increasing my senses? How, then, can I protect myself from this? To my knowledge I do not have psychometry
or anything like that. But I sure would like to find a way to buffer myself from picking up these random feelings that are not my own.

A few things I have done for myself :  Used bookstore - got "The Shift" and "The Celestine Prophecy" and also "Never Letting Go" by Mark Anthony. The latter is very helpful to me right now.
Also Brad recommended the Seth books and I ( actually ) purchased one of them and am reading it now. Love this stuff. Just wish there was someone I could discuss it with. Like a paranormal book club. So many books.

Mostly this week I have been trying to be good to myself. It was a rough week last week and I feel a little bruised. You know, this is an incredible adventure, this spiritual journey I am on. I wish Chip were here physically by my side, I sure could use a big ol' bear hug. But he is by my side, and I am growing and learning right alongside him. I got a bit of a scare Tuesday night when someone said something that was really hard to hear. But then Brad was right there to talk me down. Thank you, Sir!!

Well, I thought I had more to say, but it doesn't seem to be coming so I guess it will be reserved for another post. Just need to say how grateful I am to the Inner Guide Empowerment community, for their support and how wonderful it is to connect with so many fantastic people. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

And now I am off to read.

Love and Light to all.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Missing You

Chip used to sing this song all the time and something reminded me of it just now and I felt compelled to post this. It is the closest to the version he used to sing.

Streets of Laredo
As I walked out in the streets of Laredo
As I walked out in Laredo one day
I spied a dear cowboy wrapped up in white linen
Wrapped up in white linen and cold as the clay
"I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy"
These words he did say as I boldly stepped by
"Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story
I am shot in the breast and I know I must die
"It was once in the saddle I used to go dashing
It was once in the saddle I used to go gay
But I first took to drinkin' and then to card playin'
Got shot in the breast and I am dying today
"Oh, beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly
Play the dead march as you carry me along
Take me to the green valley, there lay the sod o'er me
For I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong
"Get six jolly cowboys to carry my coffin
Get six pretty maidens to bear up my pall
Put bunches of roses all over my coffin
Put roses to deaden the sods as they fall
"Then swing your rope slowly and rattle your spurs lowly
And give a wild whoop as you carry me along
And in the grave throw me and roll the sod o'er me
For I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong
"Go bring me a cup, a cup of cold water
To cool my parched lips," the cowboy then said
Before I returned his soul had departed
And gone to the round-up, the cowboy was dead
We beat the drum slowly and played the fife lowly
And bitterly wept as we bore him along
For we all loved our comrade, so brave, young, and handsome
We all loved our comrade although he'd done wrong

Chip had a way with horses. Kind of like the horse whisperer. I really could use his insight and experience with Buck. Oh, he taught me a trick or two. Too bad I am not 18 any more and bold enough to try anything.

Been missing him a lot lately. More than I wanted to admit to myself. I was passing off my bad week and frustration and depression as just crap at work and the mouse and etc., etc. It took a very wise and dear person to help me to realize that I feel this way because I just miss Chip like crazy. And that admission was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It did not take away the pain and grief I am feeling, but it did make me understand that it's ok to feel this way. I have been trying so hard to be strong and to put on a brave face, while all this time I have been hurting so much inside. Maybe now that I am cognizant of this fact and admit my deepest feelings ( which I am sharing with anyone who happens to read this ) I can bring it into the open and begin to work on healing. I know that I am trying too hard right now to connect to the Universe and Spirit. Things just don't seem to be flowing as easily as they had been, and I was worried and frustrated about that, afraid that I have lost this new found sense of ability and peace. Probably I just need to get grounded and allow. Rather than try to control and force things, I need to go with the flow and let the Universe come to me in its own infinite wisdom.  You're trying too hard, Cin. I guess I am afraid that if I don't go at this thing great guns, then I won't get any success. Aughhhh.. Doubts. I cannot allow them into my head. I AM an awesome, powerful, spiritual being on a journey  toward love and light. I AM worthy of this and all the good things that are to come. Just gonna take a step back and relax a little and allow. Chip knows I am not giving up on him or myself.  I sure could use a big bear hug right now. But a note: I did get those 3 signs this week. And that proves that the Universe has not forgotten about me. Now pull your bike out of that rut and get back on that path, Cin!

Rattling my spurs with love!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Tough Days

Actually I thought I was doing ok. Here I am, on this journey to find myself and my place in the Universe, and I was actually having these great flashes of insight and wisdom coming to me, and then all of a sudden, I feel really stressed. There are several very good explanations for this and I am going to try to work through them on my own before asking for help.
1. the weather outside is frightful. No sun, lots of rain and sleet and mud and yuck.
2. the job is stressful. Not fulfilling, not good for my soul.
3. I am grieving the loss of my soul mate and the love of my life.
4. I am just really tired and fighting something - trying not to get sick
5. mice. The little jerks took over my kitchen drawers and I have been cleaning like crazy, but until I am sure that I got them all and my kitchen is spic and span again, I am creeped out a little.

Yeah, I had a week like this a month or two back and I was able to work through it and rise above. And all was well again. In fact, it was even better than ever. I am learning to power through . I will come out the other side stronger. It feels as if I have become "un grounded" and maybe I just need to get centered and grounded again and that will help. After all, there are lots of great and wonderful things to look at :
1. Spring is coming
2. I am being really good to myself and trying to keep recharging my batteries ( thanks Brad )
3. I AM learning and growing.
4. the mice WILL go away and I will have my kitchen back ( and nice and clean at that )
5. This is an adventure and a journey and I am going to honor Spirit and the Universe

Prudy had a dream about Chip and wondered if it was just a dream or a visitation. He was on the phone and told her many things, but the 2 things I want to share here for my memory's sake are :

He told her that Annie sees him all the time. ( this is what clinched it for me that it was truly him and not just a random dream. Yesterday I was talking to Annie and Chip and I asked Annie if she saw "Daddy". )

He told her that he is always with us but that I need him more right now.

Also a realization:  I keep wanting signs, but if he were to give me signs every day, then they would become routine, and not be surprises. Just like the flowers he used to bring me randomly, the surprises are way more,well, surprising and special.

So I am working on this. Mostly I am eager to learn everything I can, and to grow and evolve into the awesome, powerful, spiritual being that I am. There is much to learn, but I am strong, and I am determined to succeed.