Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Incredible Night

Well, started off the evening kind of tired. It is a cold and very rainy night here and just kind of dreary. Then I joined in on Brad's Inner Guide Empowerment Radio show and was drawn into the warmest, most loving group of people I have ever met. Brad invited me to share my journey and feelings about Chip and, well, really I was just so overcome with emotion that I could barely talk. And then everyone just flooded me with love and encouragement. As I write this I am struggling to find the words to accurately convey my deepest gratitude to everyone for their love and support. And while I  felt their loving energy directed my way and enveloping me in a warm cocoon of love, I also felt Chip's loving energy as well. He is right beside me, radiating love.  I am going to listen to the show again tomorrow, to pick up on the things that I missed while off blowing my nose :)

My hope is that through my pain and through my experiences, I will be able to bring peace and healing to others. You know, I can go through my day at work and interacting with others and function on a fairly healthy level, and a lot of people I work with have made the comment that I am one of the strongest people they know. And I wonder, " what do they mean? I feel like I am going to fall apart into a million pieces." It is in my private moments that I allow the grief and pain to surface, on occasion. And here in this venue, and also tonight on the show, I can release and share. Again, I hope that someone may some day find solace in my words and experiences.

I do notice that the more I open up and allow, the more wonderous and amazing experiences I am having. The insight flows through me, and I feel more receptive to the messages I receive. This is incredibly exciting to me because I realize that I am growing and evolving. The more motivated and excited I am , the more successful I am. But more about that in another post.

Raven reaffirmed the point that we go on forever, that our physical bodies may die, but our souls go on. And absolutely, Chip and I are true soul mates. We have been here together before, and will be together again. And we are still together now.  And knowing that is such a comfort to me. The veil is very thin. They are not separated from us at all, except by our own limited beliefs. We need to open our hearts and allow, and believe. They reach out to us in love, they make contact. All our lives we have been conditioned to disregard our soul calling, and it is time to take back our birthright, to allow the universal spirit to flow through us. We are all one, we are all connected. This has never been so apparent to me as just now, tonight. I thank you all, my friends, for sharing this journey with me, for the love, encouragement and kindness you offer.

                                                     Love and Light to you all!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Deep In Thought

Ever notice how we all seem to be battling with our inner demons all the time? Should I do this? Why did I do that? Will I ever (fill in the blank ) ? Am I good enough, smart enough, funny, pretty,strong enough? You know what? Life comes at us. It is our choice how we take it. Yeah, bad shit happens to us all, and so does the good stuff. It is how we perceive life that makes it "ours". We are each unique souls on a journey, to find our own truth. Some will choose to stick their head in the sand and hide from the pain ( and the joy ) and others will face life full-on, arms wide open, yelling " bring it on baby!"
Isn't it time to shed that outer you, the part that is controlled by the ego, the one that makes you doubt and fear? Wayne Dyer refers to the ego as "Edging God Out ". Get it?  Carl Jung says " Healing comes only from that which leads the patient beyond himself and beyond his entanglements with ego."  I am working on allowing my higher self come forward, pushing the ego to the back. It's hard. An example is, I fear how others perceive me. Do they think I am stupid? Do they think I am weird? Well, really, what they think of me is none of my business. My ego would like to rein me in and keep me in check by throwing out all kinds of fears and insecurities, but how joyful life would be if I were free from all that nonsense. My true self, my higher self , my inner guide, will help me to navigate this journey naturally. I have been having bursts of insight and inspiration lately, particularly after speaking with inspiring, happy ( wonderful, joyful, beautiful, loving ) people. When these thoughts come, I am learning to just allow them to flow, not to edit or try to analyze them, but rather to just allow. Sometimes the flash is so quick that I don't have time to reach for a pen. That's why sometimes when I am blogging, I go off in a tangent, but I am just letting it flow because I know that the meaning will come forward. Chip always used to tell me "go with the flow".

So, yes, my ego does want to get me and keep me and will put those niggling little doubts in my mind in just about everything I do. But, ego, I got news for you. I am an awesome spiritual being, powerful beyond belief, and I am powered by Love. And I won't let you rain on my parade. And I have some awesome, wonderful people in my corner too. We are all one. Let's take this journey together and help one another along the way.

Be excellent.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

New Friends

Went to the movies with Beth today. Boy was it fun. I don't usually do things like that, and it is so nice to have a girlfriend to hang out with. Beth is teaching me how to be a friend. What I mean is, she is so unselfish and loving, always concerned for her fellow man. She gives of her heart.  I have shied away from friendships because people I have trusted and cared about have used me and let me down. And I must admit that I am guilty of letting down as well on occasion. I apologize to those I have left behind due to their negativity and toxic actions.  I am pledging right now to be a better friend, to love unconditionally. I truly pray for Beth that she is always surrounded by love, light and happiness, and blessed with many true friends.

Here is a picture of Buck that I took yesterday. The day before was a sleet storm and really yucky, so he is covered in mud. ( They have 24/7 access to the barn for shelter and hay but seem to choose to stand out in the rain anyway ) Notice how he is coming to me?  I am going to ride this guy this year. There is a connection there. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and Chip told me I had to get him. I think we need one another. We each have something to teach the other. I think that one of those lessons is Trust. He needs to trust that I will not hurt him, that I will protect him and not allow any harm to come to him. I need to trust, well, pretty much the same. One of my dreams is that we will learn dressage together. He really is one handsome dude. And I know he has a good heart. I need to put the things Chip taught me about training to use. You know, Chip was a professional horse trainer at one time. I know he will be by my side, coaching us and cheering us on.

So here's to new friends,  you know who you are ;)    and may we all have many many joyous moments and become great old friends.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

Old Friends

Remember this? This was about 7 years ago, Syd and I are on Shadow, who was 30 years old at the time. That's Peaches in the background. Can't remember what I was laughing about, but Syd was sooo serious - "like - really Nana! "  It was a beautiful day, as you can see.

  I have been thinking about the old friends a lot lately. Maybe because I know that they are still around, just somewhere that I cannot (yet) see. I like to think that they are galloping along beside me as I walk the place, with all the dogs and cats at my feet. And my beloved, Chip by my side. I imagine they stop and wheel around, whinnying - "come on, let's go!, let's run and play!!"  We stroll down the hill to the creek, where the horses have stopped for a drink. Rusty is pawing the water, spraying it all over everyone just like always. He sticks his head way under and shakes it back and forth, blowing bubbles. We cross the creek , stepping on the submerged rocks, dancing that little dance of trying to keep our balance and not fall in. On the other side, in the feed lot, the cows are resting. Chewing cud and lowing softly to their calves.

Hand in hand we walk. The warm breeze tickles the new grass, and it moves and sways in it's own dance. Time stands still. The Earth stops spinning for just that brief moment in time, time which really doesn't exist, as this is forever. And that's just the way I like it......

Sunday, February 17, 2013


There are times that I think I am trying too hard, and not getting any results. I need to just be still and breathe. This must be how an author feels when they get writers block. There are so many things that I want to do, see, feel. And yet it seems as if I am shackled to a wall. Last night and today for some reason, I am feeling stressed and uncomfortable. The past few weeks I have been confident and relaxed, and now I feel a bit worried. The weather has changed back to below freezing temperatures and that means I cannot start the tractor. We rolled the last of the hay bales into the field yesterday, so I will need to get some bales moved for next weekend. Aughhh.. This happens every year, though. Always at the end of the hard season, we begin to despair, wear down. And you know what? The sun does come out and the grass does grow. The tractor does start and the world is new again. Remember, remember, remember. There are other things to remember, too. I need to go back to my source. I have made quite an exciting breakthrough and should really sit back and bask in it's glory. That's my problem, I expect total continuity, but things need to ebb and flow in their own natural rhythm, just like the seasons. All of a sudden I have begun to panic - ack! And, surprisingly, as I am writing this, a warm, calm feeling is washing over me. The Universe is speaking to me - " it's ok, all things will be fine. All is well. You are doing a fine job." Phew. Ok, I just needed a little blog therapy.

I think I have posted this somewhere before, but it has popped into my head just now so I need to acknowledge it:

My life list : ( a brief synopsis - there is a lot on that list  )

2.   Identify my strengths ( I AM loyal, kind, empathetic )
3.   Find my passions
4.   Learn to drive a stick shift -DONE
5.   Learn sign language
6.   Fire Walk
7.   Ride a bull - real or mechanical
8.   Break and train a horse - DONE
9.   Advocate for animals
10. Advocate for the elderly
11. Be daring and passionate
12. Care less about what others think- be authentic
13. Live with integrity
14. Go to a beach - DONE
15. Participate in a camel race

So this is just a small bit of what I wish to accomplish/ have accomplished in this life.  Really, I have had a very exciting life so far. I may not have gone on a lot of trips around the world - but I did get to the beach. I do have an awesome little old Mustang 5 speed that Chip taught my 40 year old self to drive. I have tamed and trained many a horse and other 4 legged souls. ( Buck, I am coming for you this year, buddy!! )  And I am learning , with a little help from my friends ( Brad, Kristen, Beth- y'all know who you are) to be a more authentic, loving, AWESOME, powerful being.

Be awesome to one another!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Long Walk

Twenty years I have walked this place. I know every rock, every tree. There are so many memories here. So many new lives beginning their journey, so many old friends going on to the next step of theirs. I have watched the creek banks change year by year, sometimes bending right, sometimes left, as the spring rains cause the sand to deposit here and there. One time there was a little island in the middle, I would wade out and sit there and think. One year the water froze solid for so long we had to go out with sledge hammers and break holes so the cows could drink. One year there was a drought and I had to pull buckets of water out of the pool for them. Then we got the well working. There was the cow that the vet wouldn't even come help because " she will never survive". We worked on her ourselves for hours. She survived. Remember when I stepped off the edge of the concrete barrier and fell backwards into several feet of liquid manure? In the winter. In 20 degree weather. Stuff seeped right through my jeans and I had to strip and put on one of Chip's extra work shirts for the drive home. Over the last 20 years we have done so much to improve upon the place, make it more comfortable. We started an artificial insemination breeding program and greatly improved the genetics of our herd. Last summer, one of our heifers won all of her classes at the fair, and Grand Champion. This was our very first time showing, and one of Chip's very proudest moments.

 So many wonderful things have happened here, and there are so many  more in store .  I just returned from another walk. It is cold, wet and muddy.  But it is that beautiful dark blue of dusk , with the trees casting shadows in the last of the days sunlight. And Spring is just around the corner. Soon the grass will be green and the leaves will be on the trees and the little animals will come out to play again. And I shall walk with my beloved by my side. Always, always, by my side.

Love and Light                                                       

Monday, February 11, 2013

A Wee Bit Distracted

Seems like I have been a little distracted all day today. First, a stressful day at work. Nothing big, just those little annoyances that creep up and bite you.  And I have been determined not to get the cold/flu/strep throat that everyone around me is getting. It is, after all, mind over matter. I AM strong and fit and healthy.

I touched on this before, but lately it seems as if I have thoughts and feelings, and then shortly thereafter, I will read about those exact things, or someone will bring that subject/issue up in conversation. I feel as if it is a connection with Universal energy. Perhaps I am getting a preview of sorts. Most recently was tonight when Brad touched upon several subjects in our conversation that I had written about just this afternoon at lunch. Maybe he was connecting to my thought energy.

Yeah, it is difficult and frightening, even, to bare your soul in a public forum. It is one thing when you have anonymity, and quite another when people you care for and respect are reading your words. But part of the journey is to be true to myself. Part of this is that I am seeking to discover my purpose here, and why things happen the way they do. The events of my life were orchestrated to teach and heal me, I just need to understand the lesson and learn it. I feel like an aspiring Jedi knight. Oh, Yoda, what is the secret of life?

Over these last several weeks, and through the exercises I have been doing, I feel a strengthening. Things seem more relaxed, less urgent. Calm. As if I am going with the flow and just allowing.
Rather than try to be in control, to push or force things, I am requesting that the Universe send to me the things that It has determined I need in this moment. God is wise, ask and ye shall receive.
In doing so, I am feeling that groundedness, peace and calm. I notice that things are flowing more easily, like a stream, winding it's way around the rocks and creek banks. I feel a communion with Spirit. Things are coming more easily.

I sense that my abilities are increasing and feel that there is a great possibility that I will become more and more able to connect and be more attuned with Spirit. I am trusting. And that is one of my lessons, I am sure of it. I have always had a difficult time trusting. Always, always second guess myself. Now I am realizing that I've got this. I am worthy, I am smart. I can do this. I am believing. I do know that in doing these exercises, I am instilling a sense of truth and power in my being. I am giving myself permission to open up and receive the blessings that God is offering. They are right there for all of us to share.

Though I have slowed down and asked the Universe for guidance , I am still very eager to learn and grow. Patience is also a lesson that I am working on. I am learning that I am capable and I am worthy of the gifts that God has bestowed upon me. I AM an awesome, powerful being.

And just look at the awesome, beautiful beings I am blessed to be caretaker of ( ok so Prudy is the one who is feeding them and they are in her garage, but you know what I mean. )

Love to all!

Saturday, February 9, 2013


I posted this on Facebook a few days ago at the request of my friend and teacher, but want to post it here as well. This was pure stream of consciousness writing - I sat and wrote the words that came to me. I did not question them or try to make sense as I wrote.

I Am and the goodness that dwells within me exists in all beings- we are all truly one. When another is struggling, and is unkind, I shall not make it personal, but send them thoughts of love and allow them to move on. As I uncover my true self, I will begin to realize more of my life's path and as I work toward this, I will begin to uncover more of my true self.  I have noticed that I am happier, more content, grounded, and relaxed and that things go my way more often when I am in this state of happiness, contentment and gratitude. As I write this I almost feel as if I am getting a little nod of approval from the Universe. As I become more aware of my personal path and truth, I believe I will increase my energy/spirit vibration and attract to me those things and situations I need to grow even further. And more good experiences will come to me.

I am trying to overcome my false beliefs and self doubt and heal the broken aspects of my soul. I have come here with the agreement that I will challenge myself and grow from my experiences. Of course, as soon as I incarnated into a physical entity, I promptly forgot my plans so that I , as a human BEing, could begin the process of learning. All experiences are lessons. Now I feel as if I am awakening. My soul, who has patiently ( or not so ) lain dormant for so long, allowing me to stumble through the illusion I have created, is now rejoicing that I am becoming aware of my path and embarking on my journey to wisdom and understanding and growth. Now that I am awakening and actively seeking my truth, I am hopeful that I will better understand and receive communications from the Universe and Spirit. And of course, most importantly, Chip.

I still remain at a loss as how to increase my understanding and abilities. **  I wrote this before I spoke with Brad, who gave me the sage advice " When we allow the Universe to guide us we get clear on the what we want and let go of the how. The Universe will have the wiser path. Be open to what will come - don't be attached to the outcome."  My soul feels lighter, more active. I feel more patient, loving and understanding. If I am able to quash my habitual self doubt, then I feel that the Universal truths ( and in turn my truths ) will flow more freely through my spirit.

My soul is speaking to me. Lovingly It says " My dear one, I am patient, and each step is an adventure, a learning process. There is no wasted time. Wisdom is yours - it has been with you all along. Live and love, laugh and learn. All will come in it's time."

The Universe is truly wise.
May we all find our truth.

A Day Of Beauty And Reflection On Guinea Run Farm

Walking through the field, surveying all the beauty that lay before me, I feel you next to me, always by my side. The sun shines brightly and the wind blows waves of wonder across the field. As I (we) walk, a rabbit scampers from the tall grass directly in front of me, stirring birds from their perch on the rose bush by the old stone house. It stands there, tall and proud, yet tired. The stones are falling from it, gathering themselves in a pile on the front porch. It amazes me that this house has stood for 200 years. How many stories it must have. Look at all the history that has passed here. How much love has been shared here on this place in those years. I will gather these stones. I will use them to make a fence and walkway by our home. They will have a place of honor, where they will be seen and appreciated, and they will live on, just as the love and memories that they hold will continue.

I walk on by the barn, stop to fork some hay into the feeder in case the cows decide to stop by. That reminds me of Martha. A week ago today. She was such an incredibly intelligent cow. Yes, my favorite, and she knew it, too. She went into the barn to have her calf. Could have had it anywhere on the place, but went all the way down to the barn. Had that calf and cleaned him up nice and dry before she passed. And she waited until I found her before she let go. She knew her calf was safe and we would take care of him. One Fine Cow. Green Pastures, dear girl.

Back at the house the cows are in the back yard, resting, chewing cud. Buck is laying flat out, napping in the sunshine. Ringer is standing and snoozing, she nickers as I walk by. Around 8 young deer go bounding across the yard. Annie is waiting at the back door. She has the curtain pulled aside so she can peek out at us. Tail wagging. Peace abounds on Guinea Run Farm. God has truly blessed us.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Overwhelmed With Joy

Edit: I started this post last night but was so giddy and tired that I didn't finish it :)

First, it is way past my bedtime (10:30 now ) but I am vibrating with excitement. Just had a reading on Brads radio show and, well, wow. This is a link to the show :

 Brad has this amazing, soothing voice and an incredible talent for all things spiritual, and his guest tonight, Kristen Leona was just awesome. Kristen is a psychic medium and spiritual intuitive, and is really incredible!! Here is a link to her website :

It was truly awesome and wonderful. I guess I really need to process this experience ( my first) and will then be able to put actual words to the emotions and sensations I am having.  All I can say right now is "thank you Brad, thank you Kristen, thank you Chip, thank you God. " You know, there is so much I want to learn and do. All in good time, all in good time.

A couple of random thoughts:

It is time to realize that I have to overcome my fears of being ostracized , and allow my authentic self to shine through.

Awakening always starts with self love.

The more I take responsibility for my own reality, the more awake I will become.

Something strange, I am becoming aware of the fact that ideas will pop into my head and then a short time later, I will read those things, be it in a book, magazine, whatever.

The Budweiser Clydesdale commercial made me bawl like a baby. I guess in my line of work ( at the farm, not divorce court ) I can relate to watching an old friend move on to his next adventure. Sigh. So many old friends.

Life has truly blessed me. I miss Chip terribly and don't know if I will ever stop grieving. He is after all the love of my life. But knowing he is here by my side, watching over me ( us ) is an incredible comfort.

I am going to ride Buck this Spring.  Ok, well, maybe a little more ground work before we actually go under saddle, but just you wait and see. Soon we will be dancing in the moonlight.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Oh Yeah!

On my journey, I am trying so hard to open to Spirit and become more attuned to the Universe. Sometimes I feel as if I am trying too hard.

"Just allow it to flow" is the message I received just now while writing these thoughts. The answer is within me - has been all along.

I find myself asking for insight often throughout the day, calling upon my guides and guardians for help, answers, and peace and also to assist others. I find myself sending loving thoughts to others, silently wishing them all the wonderful things the Universe/ God/ Spirit has to offer.  Also I am realizing that I need to offer myself that same love and compassion, so that I can then turn it toward others with a joyful heart, and in doing this I feel a deeper connection with my soul and in turn, the Universe.

During my younger years I allowed myself to be conditioned to following and interpreting life in the same manner of my parents, even though it did not feel authentic to me. I remember being told that I had to get good grades and "be a good girl" or my mother would not love me, would be disappointed in me. That is an incredible amount of pressure to put on anyone, and even though it may have been given in love for the purpose of encouraging me to "succeed", it created a deep seated psychological barrier in my self. I closed off the intuitive part of myself out of fear. Surely I was unworthy of such a tremendous gift. Now I am pushing aside the fear and shame that I have felt for forsaking my God given gift. I am opening to the Universe and asking for forgiveness and courae and the ability to reclaim my gifts and strengthen them and utilize them for the betterment of my lift and that of all beings.

I realize that Chip's transition was the main catalyst for my absolute determination to overcome my self limiting attitudes. Even though most of my life I have been seeking this knowledge and understanding, and trying to increase and utilize my skills, until now it did not feel as urgent to me. Now all of a sudden, I am feeling that pull. Where in the past I might have been considered a casual seeker, now I feel as if there is something very very important out there for me. I AM finally feeling awake and alive.

Yes, Chip is the love of my life, my soul mate, and my heart aches each and every day for him. What the future holds in store for me, I do not know, but I hope that he will walk by my side, and continue to love and encourage me on this path. It is a journey that we will take together.

Love and Light to all.