Ok, so I really did not notice how much I have changed in the last few months. But evidently everyone else has. Someone else has commented on how much more alive I seem, perkier, spunkier. My old self. I really thought that I was doing well. I mean, I was lonely, but never alone. We are never alone. But I guess that was just a façade. It is kind of fun that I did not even realize it. I mean, I know that I am feeling better and am much happier, but didn't know that it really showed to others so much.
I do know that I have been doing more things around here that I was previously afraid to do. Now I feel empowered to go start up the big tractor and move some bales. Something that once terrified me is now just a task. So many things I have done throughout the years. So many things learned. Breeding cows, pulling calves, doctoring animals, putting up and fixing fence, along with all the normal things I have learned in the various jobs I have held. And let's not forget the hard job of being a caretaker. And of loving. There are so many things in our lives that cause us fear. Anything that is considered negative can generally be seen as coming from fear. The thing to do is to overcome and eliminate the fear from our lives. Easier said than done. But as in the above examples, I have found that once you conquer that monster, you tame it and it becomes your friend. It becomes a lesson learned and a source of power. You become empowered to move forward in confidence, and to assist others in their own travels.
Personal: Remember this. It is just like an addict, needing that next hit in order to feel alive. Over and over and over again. The one time is enough. It IS. And that is what is important. It was given in truth, purely and freely and It is in my heart, where it belongs and will always be. My heart and soul, the keeper of all. Forever recorded there, even if I cannot remember the exact words. The feeling is there, the meaning, the truth, the intent. Always. And time will not make that change. Just because the hit does not come again, or at least not as often, does not mean that the feeling does not continue, strong as ever. Be at Peace.
So my friends, although I have rambled a bit, the main theme of this post is fear. Or conquering it. Some things that I have discovered lately ( which I thought I was already doing, but now realize that I was still holding back a little ) : I can sing and dance with joy, and tease and act goofy in front of people without being self conscious. Especially when I am with Ronnie, who is helping set free the crazy in me. I am capable. I am so full of love that it nearly brings me to my knees. I never thought that I would be open and vulnerable to anyone ever again. I AM BLESSED. Time to overcome those fearful impulses and kick them to the ground. It is time to be free.