Saturday, December 15, 2012

Two Months

Two months. No , I am not going to be keeping track of the days marking the sadness. I will however be celebrating and honoring my beloved's life. Who knows what the future will hold for me. I know this day has been a hard one. Hey, anything is possible. I know that I have found myself being both overly compassionate, and overly impatient with people. Stupid people especially. That sounds cruel doesn't it? I don't mean it to. What I mean is not their intelligence, but rather their behavior. I just found out that someone I once considered a friend was stalking me and mine on facebook to find information about me, rather than reaching out in honesty and love. I think that is more hurtful than if they had just not bothered at all.

Something I find strange: Joe, our cattle broker and friend passed away the week after Chip. I did not know as I was wrapped up in my own issues. His daughter called and left me a message after she saw that I had sent him a thank you card for his thoughtful gift of a mass at Chip's memorial.  And then, Jack, the husband of Judy, an old friend from work, who passed three days after Chip. I ran into Jack and Judy at the oncologists office 2 weeks before their passing. We just had a few seconds to exchange pleasantries and then be on our way to more medical appointments. I felt compelled to reach out and stay in touch with her, but life got in the way.  Then, I saw Judy last week at a craft show that my sister-in-law and niece invited me to ( I feel very blessed that Nancy has included me in her family and invites me to special gatherings ). I mean, I had not seen Judy in over 10 years, and now twice in the last 6 weeks?  She asked, tentatively ( as if she knew ) if we were still going to the oncologist and I told her that Chip had passed away on the 15th. Then asked her if she were still going and she sadly stated that Jack had passed on the 18th. Did fate bring us together for some reason? We friended each other on facebook, but I haven't taken the time to actually contact her for anything more personal. Susie and Nancy also think this is a sign, that we met again. Perhaps Judy and I can do some good for one another. We shall see.

And I don't want to complete this post without mentioning Beth. The angel of a friend that I have been blessed with. I called her that Thursday before Chip went into Hospice and told her what was going on. I told her that I have never felt so alone in all of my life. Just talking to her made me feel less alone. That night when Prudy got there, I was going to go home and get a shower and change and come back but something kept nagging at me to stay. And lo and behold, Beth walked by the room. At first ( silly me ! ) I thought she was there to visit someone else and I was concerned. I asked her if everythign was ok and she let me know she was there to see us! How pleased I was. She brought me a little goody bag of candy, gum and magazine, etc. Prudy and I took her to dinner and I felt so much better after that, like I wasn't alone after all. Its hard to describe that feeling. I mean, I know that I was in the thoughts of family and friends. But that gesture was huge to me and I will never forget it. No friend has ever done something so loving for me. And even now, she still is looking out for me. When the girls were complaining about their husbands and saying things like they wish they would sleep in seperate beds, etc. , she gave me "that look", like she could feel the pain in my soul, and changed the subject. I knew that she did that for me, and I will always love her for that. She has done this several times. I told her that I don't expect people to have to edit their conversations for my sake, I want to be included in the group, not shunned because people are uncomfortable around me, worried about saying something hurtful, but I don't need to worry because she is there, kind of protecting me. God sent me a good friend in Beth.

And with that, I wish everyone much love!

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