Wow, here we are, one year later. Hard to believe. I began this blog in faith and hope in the future, and as a journal of my journey through grief and despair, fear and pain. Now we are both one year older. I am not sure that I am wiser, though. Oh, a little bit, I guess. I have had many adventures in the past year. There have been lessons learned, for sure. I have lost and found my way back many times. All learning experiences. Looking back I am a little disappointed in myself for not finding and keeping myself. I know that I need to be gentler and kinder to myself, but still find it discouraging that I have not remained strong and enlightened as I wished. So many things I have learned. I have discovered that I still need to grieve. There are days, now more than ever, that I just want to hole up and cry until no more tears will come. I seem to be more sad, more contemplative. More alone. More alone than I was before. Why is that? What lesson have I to learn here? Why am I so afraid? Am I manufacturing fear? Of course I am. But for what purpose? What has my soul to learn from all this? So many months ago, I felt free and alive again. I opened my heart and began to feel, and breathe and trust and love. And it was so wonderful, so overpowering. So right. I knew without a doubt that it was right. My soul mate for the second half of my life. No doubts, no regrets. All signs pointing toward it. So why am I feeling the fear, the resistance? Life should be total bliss right now. Should be full of dreams of the future. A bright and happy future. So why am I so terrified? I can think of a few reasons. Fear of loss again. It is something everyone who has experienced the loss of a great love and then opens up to new love feels. Fear of having to go through all that again. That is one of the reasons. The key theme in all of my confusion is fear. And ego. But I must go back to the beginning. When I knew in my soul that it was right. Our souls spoke. Now mine is giving me a lesson. I shall pass this test. I will find myself again. For I will only be truly happy when I am at peace with myself. Strange how I have felt on so many occasions that I was evolving and growing. Becoming stronger, wiser, more grounded. You have walked with me on this path, have seen my struggles and victories. My soul cries out to be recognized. The lesson is here and it wants me to succeed. And while I am rambling on here, the words are flowing from my heart to the page. I know that they make little sense and the context fluctuates wildly, but I must allow them to flow for in them there is the answer.
In order to be whole, I must find myself and be myself. No one else can make me whole. And once I discover that, really realize that, then I will succeed. In looking back, I see that all in all I have grown and evolved. Even with the times that I lost myself again in the process, I have learned and experienced many things on this journey. And this new challenge is just another on the path. This one is more important to me than all the previous ones, because I sense that I will experience a huge amount of growth from it. I have always given all of myself. Always lost myself in the process of taking care of everyone else, and asked little in return. But really needed lots of love and reassurance. If this did not mean so much to me, it would not be so confusing. But then again, the fear is trying to control this. You see, this is a lesson in patience, and unconditional love, and trust and faith. In myself and in others. And I know that if I can overcome this one and learn, that I will have leapt a huge hurdle and that a happy, fulfilling life is on the other side of that. So remember this.
I have not blogged regularly for a long time. This is something that I probably need to start doing again. And taking more time for myself. I need to ground again. I find myself getting angry and impatient with people. I have been feeling disconnected with Spirit and the Universe lately. I need to reconnect and recharge my batteries. I have given too much of myself away. Time to recapture me and to center and ground. The stress has become overwhelming and is threatening my very existence. The knee jerk reaction to cut and run is a constant in my psyche. I am walking the tightrope. To either side of me is a choice. Give up, or find my bliss. Or stay on the rope. Two of those choices will kill me. Only one will bring peace. I choose peace. And yes, the fear will continue to knock at the door. My ego will continue to demand my attention. And I pray for the strength to ignore them and to open my heart and my soul to the reality that is awaiting me. No more depression. No more fear. No more doubt. I AM Cindy and I AM a powerful, eternal soul. I AM worthy of absolute, unconditional, eternal love and peace and happiness. And I shall share that light with all. And my soul is rejoicing that I am ready to take on this challenge. I have been afraid and confused for far too long. Reveling in the bliss of new love, hiding. Now let's get out there and bring on the bliss. I pledge to open my heart and soul and receive. I allow all the blessings that I deserve. True love and happiness. All good things. I pray that the Universe and Spirit guide me and give me strength to overcome this and to come to that place of Patience, Trust and Faith. I am going to pass this test. Hope you will all send love and light and energy for success. And love and bliss shall be our reward.
Lets do this.
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