Thursday, February 27, 2014

It's Been Such A Long Time

Yes, it has. And let me tell you, so much has happened and/or not happened this past two months. Let's see, where to begin. I guess I haven't taken the time to blog because my heart has just not been in it and I really haven't wanted to bring it up. First, I sold the herd. All the old girls, my old friends. That was hard, but a must do. They were sucking the life out of me. Too many lives to be responsible for, when I feel that I can barely take care of myself. So off they went. Now I only have the two show cows, the show steer and two baby calves. And I am glad because this winter was brutal and I know that I could not have ( ok, I could have but wouldn't have wanted to ) kept up with 20 head of cattle in all that snow and ice. So there is peace from that decision. And I have an entire year to decide what I want to do with the farm after this. I have made my profit for this year.

Second, I quit my job. That, too, was a hard one, for the obvious reasons. Giving up a good salary is a hard decision to make. And also walking away from a good job and good friends. But it was killing me. And I need the time to heal and reconnect with myself. I know that most people will not be able to understand this. And some of them are downright pissy with me over it. They seem to be very upset and envious that I am in the fortunate position that I can take a bit of time off for myself. Hey, I just made a third of a years salary selling all my cows. Give me a break. And no, it is not because I am weak that I needed the time off, although, my emotional status is in the forefront of my reasons to make this decision. You see, what you may not have ascertained from my situation is that I have lost the greatest love of my life. I thought I was ok, thought I was on the road to recovery. What actually was going on? I was stuffing it all down and hiding from it. Then, because your problems and lessons will not lay quietly and let you hide, they reared their ugly head big time. Like some friends of mine say, life tries to get your attention, you ignore so it hits you with a two by four, you ignore that so it goes for the four by eight, etc, then finally, it pulls out the big dogs and runs you over with a truck.  Life done hit me with that Mack truck. BAM! And I think the issues and lessons I was having with my love life were instrumental also. Because I was suddenly faced with another great loss, which made the loss of my beloved Chip even more raw, all over again. So I have this huge grief to navigate. And top that with a stressful job, all the stress of the farm and keeping the animals safe and happy, and any and all other things that have been nagging at me for the last, oh, two years, and it all came to a head. So yeah. And I just need this time. Time to get the farm into shape. Pull all the old fence out and get all of the scrap out of here. Sell the surplus equipment. Get rid of all the garbage. Pull down the old farmhouse, clear the place, level it out. Then decide what to do from there. And that, in itself, is terrifying. The thought of all this work is overwhelming. But as I have said many times, I have all my life. This is not a race. I do not need to do anything right this very minute. And my dear ones are reminding me that I deserve this break, this sabbatical. I have worked hard and saved my money all my life. I can relax and enjoy myself for a few weeks. And once this weather breaks and gets warm and sunny and dry, I will be able to get out there and go crazy getting things done. Important to remember is that I do not need to do anything right this minute. The whole point of living this physical life is to learn and grow and enjoy the journey along the way. And certainly over this past six months I have learned quite a bit.

That's the other thing I want to talk about, but am still too confused to put into words. Feelings, especially ones this strong, are so hard to voice. My heart overflows with so many emotions. Love, grief, hurt, fear, confusion, insecurity, terror, hope. There is really only one valid emotion here, which is, of course, Love. Nothing else is real. Nothing else matters. Only love exists. Everything else is illusion. But my ego is screaming at me that I need to fear. And all I want to do is love and trust. To believe that everything is going to be ok. See, I am not used to this. Chip and I were together for half my life. We knew the greatest love. Now I feel so alone. Like I am drowning in a vast sea. Someone is there, with his hand out, ready to pull me to safety. But he let me slip under before, and I am afraid that he will let me sink again. Is it better just to go under and no longer face the possibility of pain and hurt, or to trust and reach out to him and allow him to pull me back in?  This is part of my journey. Oh, I have discovered some of my life lessons through all of this. Unconditional love. Patience. Trust. Self Worth. So you can see that I am struggling to find myself, to get myself back. Because I have been protected and sheltered for most of my life, I am not accustomed to these conundrums. And, ah, therein lies the rub, that is why I must face them now. The good news is, once I learn the lessons and overcome these ego driven behaviors and feelings, I shall be free. Then, the love and peace and life that I so desire, will come to me.

And with that, my friends, I feel I must close. So much more I wanted to say, but my spirit is saying, "Ok, Cin, 'nuff for tonight. Go have yourself a drink and relax. I love you. You are worthy of the greatest love in the world."  ( And oh my God did I just get a huge nudge. Thank you Chip! You are the greatest love of my life. )

Believe. Trust. Love.

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