Monday, April 7, 2014

Determined- A New Me, A New Hope

Ok, here we are, and for the first time in months I feel stronger, more hopeful for a life of meaning. This has been quite a challenging season. A season of my life. Since October of 2012, no even longer, since Chip got sick, life has been a struggle. To survive. To heal. To grow. I have used this blog as a journal, to show my progress, my challenges, my lessons, pain and healing. To be an example for others. You can see how I have spent the last year and a half, the ups and downs. There are so many lessons, so much emotion, so much life and love contained in these pages. I truly never imagined that I could ever feel so deeply. Hurt so much. Be so lost and confused. And then be so inspired, loved, hopeful, energized. Life is so full of ups and downs. And right now, I feel him. He is right here beside me. And I know that I have not lost. Such a hard battle. But I have not lost. Who would have thought that this experience would have brought me here. To all of this. Losing my soul mate. Contemplating the meaning of continuing on alone. Struggling through the decisions. A new love. New heartbreak. Resurrection. All the time learning, learning, learning. Pain is a part of life, but oh, how I am ready for the peace again. Yes, I am strong. I was told today that I am to be reminded of how strong I actually am. That I have gone through a lot that others may not have handled as well. And I am tired. My heart hurts for quiet, peace, love. And now I also know that Chip is ok with me wanting love again. I knew he was, but I am so glad he confirmed it. To be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a whole again. My soul has been crying out for this. And I have felt him there. And yet felt lost and confused as well. So maybe now I will find clarity. I feel it. The confusion ( read: desperation) made me over think and try too hard. Remember to relax, and let the Universe send me that which it will, that which I need. Have faith.

And I can be an inspiration for others, perhaps. Teach them. Help them to heal. But first I must proceed to heal myself. For many months now I have been lost. Stepped off my path. First because I was enjoying myself. Then because I was doubting myself. Then because I was rejecting life. I hope that I have learned this lesson. And I feel that I have, or at least am well on the way to doing it. After today, I have a new vision of the events of the past few months. Of the emotions I have had and why. And now I need to absorb all of it and allow it to heal my heart. I understand, I understand! No more questioning. And as I digest this knowledge, the lesson will be learned. And what fantastic rewards await!

So once I have worked on myself, I can start to lead others. Already I can see this. A couple of weeks ago I was led to join a church group for a lunch. It was fate. I sat at a table with two fellow widows, and learned of a grief group that the church sponsored. Made a wonderful new friend, quite a few, in fact. It's been a while since I have noticed synchronicity working on my behalf. I feel as if I am back on track. I have to stop being afraid. What will be will be. Once I can relax and allow, life will begin to flow to me again. And it is about time.

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