Tonight is Christmas Eve. That magical night. The night that we feed the animals extra goodies. The night that, at Midnight, the animals will receive the ability to talk. And, as always, we want them to have only good things to say to us. So many memories of this night, many, many years ago. The night that Noel was born. And the discussion the next day. That magical day that I shall never forget. I knew then how much I was loved. Love. That is all that I really could ask for. The deepest, most powerful, never-ending love. And that is still all I ask. Santa, for Christmas, I would like to be loved. Loved like that. Like Johnny and June. And for everyone, everywhere, love.
You see, I feel like I am in between. Like I have already checked out. I know I have mentioned this several times lately. I am only half alive. I don't really understand this feeling, as it is both physical and emotional. My body feels strange, is doing strange things. ( don't ask) I feel half awake, yet always half asleep, again physically as well as spiritually. I wish I understood what is going on. Why do I feel this disconnect? That's a great word to describe it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to step over and go home. But something equally powerful is pulling me to stay here. I am not finished here yet.
Everything is changing. The grief that I have been holding on to as if it were a security blanket is gnawing at me. It has kept me safe and distant for so long now. And now, I think, my heart (or soul) wants to live and breathe again. And I think that my ego, or whatever it is, is fearful of that change. "It's been so safe and warm and sad and lonely here. Why would we want to change that?" Why indeed. To be vulnerable. To risk loving and being hurt again. Fear that I will dishonor the great love that I hold in my soul for Chip. No, dear ego. For, you see, that is not the reality that I choose. I choose life. I choose love. So get the fuck out of my head and shape up. If you want to be a part of this production, you have to play by my rules. I am the creator here. I create my own reality. I choose life. I choose love. I choose happiness. Joy. Peace. Contentment. True, unadulterated, unending, everlasting. My life is just beginning. And in this new reality, there is only love and happiness. The love that I have for Chip is forever. A part of each of us connected, eternally. He knows and he wants me to be happy. To find my second soul mate. To live the rest of my reality, this life I am now creating, in love and happiness and joy and peace. To be creative and successful and to bring love and light and healing to others. To finally understand. To live.
And I know, dear White Tiger, that I do not need to do this on my own. I know that there are souls out there that love and support me. And I appreciate and accept that love and support. And return it. And at this exact moment in time, I need to find this way myself. I can not feel guilty over going inside myself and being a bit selfish and nomadic. I am not pushing you all away forever. This is my journey and the path has just become extremely narrow at this point. Some of you will drop off and go, others will simply drop back and follow until the path widens out again. As I will do on your journeys as well. Yes, the way has been hard this past couple of months, as everything is changing and falling into place. But I am walking in faith here. I know that I am experiencing the shift that is helping me to create this new reality. Then one that I so desire. And even though the fear is knocking at my very core, trying to sway me, I am fighting. I truly don't want to give up. So many decisions. And I am so afraid that I will make the wrong ones. I was never really good at making up my own mind. Always looked to other people for advice and guidance. But this is the time that I need to listen to my higher self and be at peace. So, I pray that the confusion clears and that I can make that decision, with no fear, no uncertainty and no regrets. I am praying that the Universe gives me a sign. Let me know for sure that the path I choose is the one to all my dearest dreams come true. And of course, for the greatest good of all.
Merry Christmas to all. A time of new beginnings. Love. Have faith. Patience.