Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Can I handle the seasons of my life? Stevie Nicks asked that question many years ago. Whatever the true inspiration for her story was, I have my own version. My own translation. The seasons of my life? Yes. Doesn't the bible even speak of there being a time for each event in our lives? And remember, my friends, that time is not really linear. That is all an illusion. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter? Only if that is how we choose to view it. We tend to speak of being in the Fall of our lives when we find ourselves in middle age, yet that seems to be a terrible death sentence to me. Like we are marking time, counting down, pulling pages off a finite calendar. And some day we will pluck off that last page, and say to ourselves " oh shit, where have the days gone?".  Time and reality is only as we make it. We get to choose. Today, I was sitting on the patio, in the cold, watching the storms come in. The rain began to pour down, the thunder clapped and the lightening streaked across the sky, cold breeze blowing mist into the room, chilling me. My thoughts turned to you, and others. I get to choose. Do I feel sad because it is a cold, rainy, lonely day and I am missing you, and thinking of others, who could be sharing my adventure with me, others, who are living their own illusions, good or bad? Or do I jump up, inspired, and run to my computer and write? I've not been nudged by anyone just yet this moment, but my own self says to come in here and write. Perhaps the nudge shall come later. Or perhaps (a most welcome thought) you did nudge me, secretly, you little scamp!

See, I've lived out the winter. The last that I will ever accept again. We've been granted this lifetime to explore, to discover, to learn. Being afraid, depressed, stagnant, it does us no good. Oh, for a moment it will, to help us discover those broken parts of ourselves that we are now being inspired to mend. And in that healing, we shall be able to help others, should they accept it. And I shall have some winter days again. And again. As they are needed, to remind me of lessons needing learned, wounds needing healed, forgiveness needing given and received. But I will not allow those days to swallow me, to take me under, for the landslide to bring me down. I choose. And I choose the sunshine. THE LIGHT. My days shall be full of warmth, light, cool breezes rustling the leaves on the trees, swaying the golden wheat heads in the fields.

If we create our own reality, then why don't we realize it and make it one hell of a good one? Well, for my part, it has taken me a while, and some circumstances, to wake me up and inspire me to begin this journey with awareness. And of course, that is when the tests and the healing really begin to make sense (sometimes) and have meaning. To really get my attention and make me understand that this is not something that is happening to me but rather for me. And most excitedly, that I have been the one orchestrating the tests all along. "Cin", my higher self must be whispering to me, "you are ready to go out and meet others like you, who are floundering in their own confusion and indecision, and to use your experiences to help them, just as others have helped you to understand." "But..." I argue with my higher self, " I am no one. What do I know, and who will listen to me? Who am I to be able to inspire others, to help them to heal?"

"You are an infinite, powerful being of light and love",  my higher self whispers back. " As we all are. Show them. Show them that there is more to life than being sad and miserable and lonely. Show them that we are all one. That we are meant to live, to love, to be happy and prosperous. We are never too old, nor are we too young, to learn. You have many teachers guiding you, as do they. Some realize this, others are still asleep. Don't you see why you are being driven to write, to teach? It is for you, every bit as much as it is for them. We are all in this together. The ones we love and cherish, and the ones who seem to get on our very last nerves. All One. Mirrors of ourselves and what we most need to learn and work on. Remember, Cin, faith, trust and patience. All that you desire is barreling toward you now, as we speak, gleefully awaiting your discovery, so that you may begin living the reality that is your dearest dream, your birthright."

And I come back to my own thoughts, watching my fingers flying across the keyboard, a smile pulling at my lips. This feeling inside. One of excitement. Anticipation. A tug at my heart. You have heard me calling out. Both of you. My beloved mate, and now guide, and the other one. There are so many powerful forces calling to me. Is this what it is like? When people are called to serve, to enter the priesthood, become nuns, chaplains, monks, healers, doctors, writers, actors, whatever the calling. This pulling, tugging at the heart. Not for fame and fortune, nor recognition, but just, well, peace. Peace for your own heart, and peace for the hearts of all that you touch in the process.

You can choose to make your lives miserable, or a struggle. Always chasing the dollar. Always feeling as if you are getting older, and weaker and less and less and less. Or you can choose to see that this is your adventure. You are the author. You are the hero. If you think it, you will become it. Don't think of yourself as old, poor, lonely, unlovable. You are young at heart, and your body will follow that lead, you are prosperous, you are popular and loved. You do not need to be punished for any self-perceived sins. Your birthright, all of ours, is to be happy. Wake up and see it.

Live your adventure. Do things that scare you. Ride that bull. Walk on hot coals. Shamelessly go after that which your heart desires. Trust, believe, allow. Have faith. He will come.

Last night, coming home from grief group, after dinner, Bonnie and I went to K-Mart. Right there before us, appeared a rainbow. And then Bonnie said, "look, another one!", and yes, a double rainbow. Only the second I have seen in person. The first being the day before my beloved passed on to the next step of his adventure. And now. What is the meaning to me? Next week it will be two years. Has it something to do with that? I don't think so, especially since I don't believe that time means much, especially over there. Was it a sign? Of course, I can interpret it any way I want to. Create my own story. But I really would like to know if it were meant to be a specific sign to me. A hello from you? A sign from the universe that all is well? That he is on his way? Did he see it too and think of me? And what did it mean to each and every other person who witnessed it? Did they receive their messages as well? I hope so. I hope that they each understood exactly what they were meant to from this and felt overjoyed with peace and happiness. And perhaps I will be blessed with an indisputable realization of what the meaning for me is.

So, I have decided that I am going to create the reality of perpetual spring for myself. New life, beauty, warmth, lushness, all abound. As I have said before, I realize that without the darkness we cannot truly know the light, and that is fine, for each experience is a lesson toward our growth and evolution. Even in the spring we have storms, but always the promise after of a warm, wonderful, beautiful existence. And sometimes, sometimes, a beautiful rainbow. Or two.

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