Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Today was a rough one. It started this morning as I was drinking my coffee . Out of nowhere, a huge wave of grief washed over me and I was completely paralyzed with it. I felt totally incapacitated. Here we are, 11 months was the 15th, so we are going on the one year anniversary of Chip's transition. I wasn't really thinking about it at that moment, but it must have wanted to surface because it blindsided me and knocked me over. Probably because the sun was in the sky just the same as one of those days last year, and the shadows on the yard looked familiar. The temperature. I began to remember those terrible days, the pain and the fear and the horror of watching the love of my life begin his transition from the physical to the spiritual realm. And I couldn't stop the memories. They were ready to come and would not allow me to block them. So I rode it out. And it was hard. I had not thought that I would feel this way. I was prepared for the anniversary and knew that on that day I might have some emotions, but feel like I have been pretty stoic for the most part. Every one has told me how strong and brave I have been through all of this and I have had very few breakdowns, and none in public. So this was different. And I let it flow. God, it's hard to cry in front of people, even those you know and care about and feel safe with. And I got a lot of support. I was able to realize that my inability to focus and concentrate for the last couple of weeks is directly related to this. That my grief has been building and it was time for it to express itself. And now I feel better. Purged. So I realize that things may come up from time to time, even when I think I am ok. The best thing to do is just to acknowledge and allow and feel the emotions that surface. It is all healing. Chip is here, he does not want me to hurt like this, but I have to work through all of the stages, and honor what comes. This is all part of the process. So here we are, in a very vulnerable situation. I am expressing what I did perceive as weakness, but know and understand now is actually strength. Things will continue to get better and better in life. You will see. It is all in how you look at it.