Sunday, September 22, 2013
The healing has begun in earnest. First, I never expected to feel this way. In so many ways. For so many reasons. And then, tonight. This wave passed over me and all of a sudden I was immersed in the most terrifying release of grief and fear than I ever thought possible. And the relief that I now feel is so tangible. I feel raw. Like when you rip that band aid right off. All this time I was plugging along, being strong and brave (or so I thought) keeping it all together, running the farm, taking care of business. Never allowing myself to really experience the emotions. (Oh, I thought I was, but on the contrary, now I know I wasn't fully allowing them). Yeah, I can do this, I am strong, I am independent. Huh! Silly me. And here we are. And now it comes. All of a sudden I am reminded of all of the challenges, how hard it has been. How alone I really was. (Chip of course is always by my side.) Do you know how good it is to have someone hold you tight and close and let you know that you are ok and that you are safe? You are here and you showed me. All of this time I have been so terrified, and never admitted it. And it is ok. Because I needed this. My soul has decided that now is the time to really begin to live again. We are ready to heal. To be happy again. To love. To feel bliss and joy. To be whole again. I have accomplished many things in the past 11 months, on my own. And it has been hard. Even though I have celebrated these accomplishments, there was always something missing. My soul knew, but was too busy trying to heal and grow from our pain to acknowledge it. Now we can feel. Now we are never alone. I am you. And you are me. And we are one. Thank you, love, for this. To both my loves.