First, I have been doing a lot of personal work here. The grief has been unimaginable at times. Who really would have thought that I could have such a huge range of emotions over the course of a day. I go from totally silent and serene, to stark raving mad with despair. Never again will I think of a person struggling with disdain and impatience. We all have our demons. I thought I was stronger. Those who love and support me think I am stronger. But this is absolutely the second hardest thing I have ever been through. And in fact, the two are connected, related in so many ways. I used this example with a friend today, as she tried to understand why I am having such a difficult time " just let it go". A girl with anorexia is absolutely convinced she is fat, even though she is not. Everyone else can see how thin she is, and the true beauty that lies beneath her skin, while she only sees fat and ugly. No one can convince her otherwise, for her mind is set. She surely wants relief. She does not want to torture herself and have the pain that she feels, is obsessed with, each and every day. So even though it seems so simple to everyone else " you are too thin. You are beautiful. You are unhealthy at this thin weight and need to stop thinking you are fat, you can do this, just stop it..." She simply cannot see it. And until she heals herself, she will continue to feel that way. I need to heal. I feel this overwhelming grief, and even though everyone else feels that it should be very easy ( for so many very real reasons, I admit ) it is difficult for me to get over. Oh, I can intellectualize it. I know for each and every reason why I should " Run. Run like your ass is on fire". ( Thank you Kate ) Yet my brain (heart) is looking in that mirror and seeing lack. Until I heal, I will continue to feel that grief, loss, lack. Just because you see the situation as very black and white, there is a lot of grey in it for me. I can understand how those who support me feel. I would tell them the exact same things if they found themselves in this same situation. Really, yes I would. But doing it is not as easy as all that. I cannot turn my grief off like a light bulb. It is intensified by all the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately. Oh, I am on the road to recovery. No question. I am determined to get through this grief and move on to a very happy and fulfilling life. I was so close at this time last year. But I got lost along the way. And was no where near ready to heal. Now, having worked through most of my issues, I truly believe I am on the right road. Grief is such a bitch.
Hopefully ( definitely!) after I have healed, I will be able to really help others wade through their own grief issues. Teach by example. I have a purpose, remember? And it is to help others to heal.
Ok, now something wonderful and really inspiring. Today, while waiting for Karen in the parking lot at Remke, I was nudged to write down a list of songs I wanted to download. I was writing the last song on the list, Gone, Gone, Gone, by Philip Phillips, feeling a deep overwhelming love, and suddenly, it began to play on the radio. I was so surprised that I burst into happy tears. What better a sign than that. Need I any more confirmation? This also brings me to the fact that exactly a year ago, I asked for a sign from the universe, and the next day was rewarded with a blue star balloon. And the bluebirds that flew past in the pasture, a blue I had never seen before, a few days later. Well, today Karen and I went to Big Bone Lick State Park and while hiking back to the parking lot, a woman was taking pictures and stopped and asked us if we could see that beautiful, strange blue bird in a tree. And sure enough, there he was, sitting above us, singing his heart out. The bluest of electric blue. The group of people that gathered 'round all agreed that they had never seen a bird like it. Hmmm... All signs, please please please tell me I am on the right path. Oh baby, please. You are still here. " I'll love you long after you're gone. Like a drum my heart will never stop beating for you."
Oh Silver Fox. Listen to Gone Gone Gone. That is who I deserve. And he has been here all along.
I am ready to be at peace. Open to receive the blessings of the Universe. I've strayed from the path for far too long. It is time to come back Home. Yes, words that have been repeated in the last several posts, as I see my evolution back to "humanity". Oh, my friends. May my eyes be opened, may my heart receive the message and healing it needs to move on. Overcome the fear. This adventure called life. Today I drove a long way, into unfamiliar territory, to go on an adventure with my dear friend. We did it! Next time maybe a little further. And then, who knows. Yes, there are the memories of this time last year. When I finally began to come back to life. I remember. Beautiful memories that cannot be taken away, not even by the harshness of experience. That is what I choose to remember. Those warm, breezy nights beneath the stars. Our stars. That was real. That was true. And on to new adventures. C'mon, Cin. Your new awesome life awaits.
Don't Stop Believing.
Yummy Civil War Guy, You still out there??