Fear(less)

Ok, so I really did not notice how much I have changed in the last few months. But evidently everyone else has. Someone else has commented on how much more alive I seem, perkier, spunkier. My old self. I really thought that I was doing well. I mean, I was lonely, but never alone. We are never alone. But I guess that was just a façade. It is kind of fun that I did not even realize it. I mean, I know that I am feeling better and am much happier, but didn't know that it really showed to others so much.

I do know that I have been doing more things around here that I was previously afraid to do. Now I feel empowered to go start up the big tractor and move some bales. Something that once terrified me is now just a task. So many things I have done throughout the years. So many things learned. Breeding cows, pulling calves, doctoring animals, putting up and fixing fence, along with all the normal things I have learned in the various jobs I have held. And let's not forget the hard job of being a caretaker. And of loving. There are so many things in our lives that cause us fear. Anything that is considered negative can generally be seen as coming from fear. The thing to do is to overcome and eliminate the fear from our lives. Easier said than done. But as in the above examples, I have found that once you conquer that monster, you tame it and it becomes your friend. It becomes a lesson learned and a source of power. You become empowered to move forward in confidence, and to assist others in their own travels.

Personal:  Remember this. It is just like an addict, needing that next hit in order to feel alive. Over and over and over again. The one time is enough. It IS. And that is what is important. It was given in truth, purely and freely and  It is in my heart, where it belongs and will always be. My heart and soul, the keeper of all. Forever recorded there, even if I cannot remember the exact words. The feeling is there, the meaning, the truth, the intent. Always. And time will not make that change. Just because the hit does not come again, or at least not as often, does not mean that the feeling does not continue, strong as ever. Be at Peace.

So my friends, although I have rambled a bit, the main theme of this post is fear. Or conquering it. Some things that I have discovered lately ( which I thought I was already doing, but now realize that I was still holding back a little ) :  I can sing and dance with joy, and tease and act goofy in front of people without being self conscious. Especially when I am with Ronnie, who is helping set free the crazy in me. I am capable. I am so full of love that it nearly brings me to my knees. I never thought that I would be open and vulnerable to anyone ever again.  I AM BLESSED. Time to overcome those fearful impulses and kick them to the ground. It is time to be free.

Whispers In The Night

Don't know why that is the title of this post, it just came to me. The topic though is still hazy. I want to talk about the bathroom remodel and how much of a crazy insane thing that is. I want to talk about Chip. And work. And all these crazy feelings that are running through my mind. I want to remember all of the wonderful things that have been happening in my life, that my loved ones have said and done for me. But whenever I sit to blog, the words just fly out of my head. I know that they will come when they are ready. That's why I haven't blogged much.

My spiritual growth continues, but in a more mature, knowing, peaceful way. I don't feel that desperate need to go, go, go. I find that I am giving advice to others, and needing less for myself. I have settled into a bit of a comfy, relaxed attitude about my journey.

Things are stressful with the remodel, and work can always be a stinker. I find myself walking into the room, halfway through demo, and am hit with a wave of grief that knocks me to my knees. How can something so fun and exciting as a new bathroom cause such angst? I think because it has always been a dream of ours to do this, and do it ourselves. And now I am doing it, but having someone else do the work, and without Chip's influence. It is just one more thing that is not going to be the same any more. And that is not entirely a bad thing. I need to continue to move forward. Chip is still here. He walks with us. I know that he is tsking and chuckling about the adventures we are having with the remodel. I know he is shaking his head at the drywall work and the painting. Yes, I see the imperfections too. And I know that if you were doing the work yourself, it would not be that way. You always did perfect work. You are perfect. So I guess that this is just another reminder that you are no longer physically here.

You see, I feel like this is my time. I feel like life is worth living again. It is an adventure. And I have some wonderful souls to share it with. I have been struggling lately with the stress and my emotions have sometimes gotten the best of me. But I feel that I am on the cusp of a big positive breakthrough. Patience is a big deal here. I am like a kid, waiting for Christmas to get here. I want it and I want it now. But the best things are worth waiting for. And really, time is going pretty quickly. And yet it nearly stands still. How is that? I have mentioned that in a recent post. But it is all perspective. Let the boring, lonely days go quickly and let the fun, love filled, happy days last forever. And Ever.
And then roll over in the bed, reach out into the darkness, and touch the warm back of your beloved, pulling one another into a loving embrace, soft kisses growing harder and more urgent, and whisper your love to each other. Always.

Patience

Seems like there are a lot of things in my life that are testing my patience. I really don't know. Really, I have the rest of my life. So why should I want things to get here so quickly? Maybe because I want the really good stuff that I know is coming, to come sooner. You know, the things you really look forward to and can't wait for. Some of those things include my bathrooms getting done. The contractor is having some problems with the mud drying on the drywall, and it seems as if we have been in limbo for a whole week. Well, we kind of have been. And then he is going to start on the other bath once this one is finished. This one, we are getting re-done pretty much exactly like it was, with the exception of vinyl instead of the tile that was in there. I am looking to simplify life, and cleaning grout is not on my list of favorite things. But the other bath, I think I will get some different colors and make it a little more fun. There are some other things too.....

Yes, I know this is a test. And I really have to calm down and be patient. Impatience does not get you anywhere. It only gets you into trouble. And I find that if I begin to get impatient, I can become a real bitch. Really. It is really hard to sit here and see the dust and dirt from the remodel, and the house in disarray. I am itching to have the house all clean and cozy. Everything in it's place and all my chores completed. But it will come. And life will get better.  Just calm down and go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

Life has been so enriching lately. I never believed that I would feel this way again, and I want more of it. And more campfires and fire water and love and contentment.



That book is knocking at my heart again. Maybe I should start working on it for real.

And now my mind is blank and tired. I think I will go to bed and read a little.

Love and hugs!

TIME

It is true, time does not stop for anyone, for any reason. And yet time is just an illusion. Something that we have created in this physical existence, as part of the journey. But while we are physical, time controls. Sometimes we wish we could turn back the time. Sometimes we wish tomorrow would come faster, or next week. But while we are living in a physical body, experiencing this game that we have created for ourselves, we find that we must obey the rules of this existence. Spirit is boundless, limitless. If we can remember this, we can overcome the illusion, or at the least, deal with it in a more effective way. Don't let it control us. Use it to our best advantage, greatest growth, greatest good for all. I have said here many times that I have not wanted to track the passage of time. The months, and now the year that have passed since Chip has moved on to Spirit. But it seems as if my thoughts sometimes come back to that concept, and I am compelled to note my thoughts and observations and feelings on the subject.

It has now been one year. For every day, every experience. One of everything without Chip. What a sad way to conceptualize such an event. But it is what it is. And in my heart, one year ago, I never expected to come out of this. Never expected that I would be happy, truly happy. Live with joy and love again. And you have watched as I have struggled, worked through, and come out the other side of my grief. You have experienced my pain and my joy as I have shared them with you. My friends have walked this path beside me and reached out with a helping hand each time I have stumbled. And I have learned so many things during this year.

I think the main thing is that you will never be the same. And that is ok. I have grown. Chip is always here, by our side. I feel him still, though I feel also as if he is stepping aside more often, to allow me to become the new me that I am destined to be. He has allowed Ronnie to step in and become a prominent part of our lives. I hope Chip knows that I want him to always be by my side. He is always a part of me, of our existence. I so dearly want to explain our theories as to why this has all come about like it has, but right now that is too personal to share. Just suffice to say that all is as we have always intended it to be. Chip is our guide, shining the way.

I have much to do here.  The important thing to remember is to live life. To love. To be free and joyous and whole. To share. Now is my time to live. I deserve this. To sit back, go with the flow, be open and receive the blessings that the Universe has to share. I see the three of us on this journey, arms linked, walking the path to enlightenment, love and joy. We deserve this. It is our time.

Old Stone House

You have been sitting in grand majesty for nearly 200 years now. Tall, solid, strong. Born of the rock that lines the creek beds, that sleeps in the hillsides, rising from the ground as if from a long slumber. You have sheltered so many families. Seen births and deaths. Witnessed the love and joy that emanated from within your walls. How many Christmas trees have stood in your rooms? How many meals has your kitchen served? When the doctor lived there, how many people were healed under your careful watch?

And when Chip and I met, he began the loving process of fixing you up. Rejuvenating you. Breathing new life into your tired walls. The kitchen completely gutted. New cabinets, appliances. The doorways that became a work of art, curved on one side, angular on the other, 2 feet thick. And the heart above the staircase. We did not complete that labor of love, as circumstances presented us with the home that I now reside in. And time took us away to other tasks. You were set aside, for another day. And perhaps in 5 years, or then 10..... Yet that never came. Life gets in the way. Shortly after Chip passed away, your front fell. Tons of rock cascading to the porch. Your way of saying goodbye? How fitting.

You are tired. You have served well. Done your job. You have seen so much.

Ronnie and I. Reverently entering. Great love and respect for all you have given over these many years. It was harder than I expected, to enter your halls once again. To see the once beautiful walls and cabinets and appliances, so lovingly installed, fallen and spent. No longer safe. As we peeked through each room, we reminisced. I told Ronnie stories that I could remember, of the cold winter days that Chip would spend working the drywall, layer after layer of mud, while I added wood to the fireplace to keep us warm. We came across the old invoices that Chip had prepared while working for Nichols, nearly 45 years ago. We found the pictures that were hidden on the top shelf of the closet. Memories that did not belong to us, but meaningful nonetheless. Then the basement, with the rafters broken and sagging, floor about to fall completely through. So sad. We scoured every inch we could, looking for treasures to rescue.

And now, my friend, you shall have your rest. We will lovingly bring your walls down. And in your place, a new shelter. A dream home. A new beginning. And you will live on. Not only in the memories, but also in the rock that you leave behind. Rock to build the fireplaces, and the garden walls, and firepits and whatever else we can dream of. The farm shall become a home again, a show place. Just like Chip had always dreamed of.  And so you shall live again. But remember, old friend, you shall always live on in our hearts.

I Never Thought

I never thought. I never imagined. I never would have believed. How could I live here without you? What joy could life possibly hold for me? You were everything to me. You are everything to me. How can an entire year have passed? Each day a struggle. Where has the time gone? A year. 365 days. So much pain, yet also joy. Accomplishments. Victories. New job. Tattoo. New beginnings. And each and every step of the way I have felt you beside me. Sometimes leading, sometimes following, but always there. You guide me. I have become a different person. Very different. Bolder. More adventurous. More assured in some aspects. Terrified sometimes. Not so much anymore. You have sent to me many friends.   I never thought that I would have hopes and dreams ever again. Now I know.

I celebrate you. We celebrate you. Celebrate life. This beautiful moment in destiny that allows us to see what lies beyond and know that this is a celebration. And that it is ok. You are the love of my life, my soul mate, my beloved. You always will be. You're here, I feel you. Thank you, love. Thank you for sharing everything with me. For watching over me. For loving me. And know. Know how I carry you in my heart and soul. Always.  My beloved. It is time to live. Time for love and joy and bliss and happiness. Dreams come true. You are part of it, every bit of it. I pray that you will continue to walk beside us. Guide us. Love us. I honor you. I honor everything about you. You were a great man. You are a great soul.

With your love, with your guidance, life once again has meaning. Because I am not done yet. There is so much more we have to do here. So much love to give. So much more love in store for all of us. And your love shines through. You tell me it's ok. Ok to allow. My turn. Give it all away......., you remember. To love and be loved so deeply, so purely. You taught me that. And you will go on. You are here. In every blade of grass. In the reflection in the eyes of each newborn calf. In the clouds and sun and moon and stars. In our hearts. In our souls. Always.

My Dear Friends

You know who you are. My beloved friends from the community, work, around and of course, family. Thank you all. I am fine. I know I have been sporadic, to say the least, in my blogging, and in my facebook interactions and in most other ways as well. But, you see, I am so very happy. And busy. Busy just being, sometimes. Oh, and I am stressed, too. But that is different. Stress and love and happiness don't really mix, so I try to separate them and keep my chin up and only allow the love to surface. The stress comes from being overwhelmed, and from allowing myself to feel inadequate and unwise. This too, shall pass. But the love and happiness shall go on forever.

Thinking back on the past year, and my mind wants to shut down and disassociate. I honestly never realized how hard things really were. Somehow, I just kept my head up and plowed along with a smile on my face as best I could. It felt as if as long as I was positive, and putting on a good show and being a good example for others, then the pain would not be able to catch up with me. But it was there. And something good to know is that you cannot hide. It will find you. And the best thing is to honor it and acknowledge that it is there. You don't have to allow it to pull you under, however. Seek support from your friends and loved ones, and from professionals, if need be. Never, ever, ever give up. Had I done so, I would not have learned the things I have in the past year, even if they were hard won or painful lessons. I would never have made the accomplishments, had the victories.

Chip is still here, by my side. He is happy. He has watched over me and guided me and comforted me when I thought I could not take one more step. And for him, for him I walked through the fire. And I have emerged from the other side, cleansed by the flames. New. The phoenix risen. And the three of us shall continue together along this path. Living, learning, loving. Our wonderful new adventure has just begun, and it is going to be full of love and happiness and bliss. My dear ones, walk with us.

My dear friends, I love you all.