My God, I Am Having A Midlife Crisis!

That's exactly what it is, at least that is what just came to me, like a giant slap across the face. I guess I shouldn't have expected to escape that one, huh? Sure, why not. Lost the love of my life. Opened my heart again. Stress, stress, stress. Well. The answer I am receiving in response to my cries for help is to be good to myself right now. Now is the moment that I must find myself, concentrate on me. Only then will I become whole. And now is the only time that I have. Waiting for a better time, for more money, etc., will not do. That time may never come. Live. It is time to live. Time to find my adventures and live them. Chip will be by my side. I hope you will too.

 

 

 

 

Journeys

So my journey continues. Who will remain my traveling companions? Will I choose the right path? I guess you really cant choose the wrong one because all paths lead to home. It is all in the journey. We create our own reality, so I am pretty sure that whichever way I go, I will come back to the place you are. My body is vibrating. Is it nervous energy? Fear? Something else? I am not sure. Is the universe trying to tell me something? I do feel as if spirit is trying to connect with me at this moment. Can I relax enough and allow and make that connection? I am fearful that over the past several months I have turned my back on spirit and been occupied with other things, and now spirit will shun me. It's just that I was so immersed in this new love, and in feeling alive again after being asleep for so long. My heart aches so much right now. For so many reasons. So here I stand, at the crossroads. And I am both paralyzed in fear, unwilling to move at all, and also so ready to jump in and run blindly in any direction, just to escape. I pray that I will have the patience and good sense to do the right thing. I have many choices. One is to walk away from everything and find a new way. This is the most attractive option right now. An adventure! And I am pretty impulsive, but usually am able to catch myself before I actually take the leap, in which case makes me pretty careful. I think I need to be a mix of each of those. But this strange feeling is really beginning to overcome me. I am actually shaking and feeling a sense of , well, not dread exactly, but of something. And I say to myself, " screw it, what do I have to lose?" Will I look back on this post a year from now and laugh at myself and how silly I am being? Will I be here a year from now? Will I look back and say, wow, you made all the right choices and look at what an adventure you had, how much better life is now?

So why is my body reacting in this physical way? Do I need to step back and ground myself? I asked an old friend for advice, but keep getting the message that I need to do this on my own. I do not have the answers, at least not right now. I know that they are within me. I just need to discover them. Right now I feel lonely and exhausted, defeated and heartbroken. Well, I have always known that two of my greatest lessons in this lifetime are to learn Patience and Trust. These last couple of months have challenged both for me. I also know that I need to learn to take care of myself. I have always given everything to everyone else. And in this relationship it was no different. And I will give my whole heart and soul, always. But I need the same in return. Love is not 50/50. Is should be 100/100. I need to be important to someone.

So all of these words are coming out and I am just typing as they come. As usual when this happens it does not make a lot of sense and it seems as if my writing is all over the place, mixing subjects and context. But if I look back on this post at a later time, maybe I will discover the message in it and find peace from it. Patience Cin. I think I need to go lay down and read some Richard Bach. My soul feels this new shift coming. I think that is part of these shaky vibrations that are going through my physical body right now. I have been ignoring my inner guide for a couple of months now, hoping I was wrong. I still hope I am wrong. Because in the beginning, I had no doubt. All the signs pointed toward this being the right thing. There were too many signs, and my soul knew without a doubt too, absolute peace.  Can it still be? I doubt it, I am afraid to believe any more. I think the best thing is to completely step back and start fresh and let the universe direct me. It will direct me along the correct path, and if that path leads to you, then ........

Screw You, 2013

After all of my accomplishments and adventures this year, I still must admit that the last 3 months of this year have sucked big time. All learning experiences, of course. But still, what a painful year for me. I need to keep things in perspective. Last year, losing Chip, was the worst year of my life and the hardest thing I have had to endure. So this pales in comparison. Perspective, Cin. And yes, I will now be moving on in my journey without someone that I truly believed to be an important part of my life. Perhaps our paths will cross again under more favorable circumstances.  But I do love you. And I thank you. Because I recognize the lesson in this. I learned that I am capable of loving again, with all m heart and soul. And the second part of this lesson will now be to let go and accept, and to learn to trust again. I have no regrets, for I know that this meeting of our souls was meant to be. I grieve for what was (though I will always have the memories.) And also for what could have been. Oh, This may be painful, but if I create my own reality, I can create healing for my heart. This year has been challenging,  but these challenges will enable me to grow in strength,wisdom and spirit. And therefore, I will enter this new year unencumbered, refreshed, and ready to receive blessings from the Universe. Lets do this.  Love to all for the best year ever. God bless.

Christmas Dreams

Merry Christmas! I pray that everyone has everything that they need and want. I wish you all love. Sending all of you wishes for all your dreams to come true. I pray that my dreams ( hopes and wishes ) come true as well. Be good, Be kind, Be loving.

Love and Light to all.

Better Days

Tonight is Christmas Eve. That magical night. The night that we feed the animals extra goodies. The night that, at Midnight, the animals will receive the ability to talk. And, as always, we want them to have only good things to say to us. So many memories of this night, many, many years ago. The night that Noel was born. And the discussion the next day. That magical day that I shall never forget. I knew then how much I was loved. Love. That is all that I really could ask for. The deepest, most powerful, never-ending love. And that is still all I ask. Santa, for Christmas, I would like to be loved. Loved like that. Like Johnny and June. And for everyone, everywhere, love.

You see, I feel like I am in between. Like I have already checked out. I know I have mentioned this several times lately. I am only half alive.  I don't really understand this feeling, as it is both physical and emotional. My body feels strange, is doing strange things. ( don't ask) I feel half awake, yet always half asleep, again physically as well as spiritually. I wish I understood what is going on. Why do I feel this disconnect? That's a great word to describe it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to step over and go home. But something equally powerful is pulling me to stay here. I am not finished here yet.

Everything is changing. The grief that I have been holding on to as if it were a security blanket is gnawing at me. It has kept me safe and distant for so long now. And now, I think, my heart (or soul) wants to live and breathe again. And I think that my ego, or whatever it is, is fearful of that change. "It's been so safe and warm and sad and lonely here. Why would we want to change that?" Why indeed. To be vulnerable. To risk loving and being hurt again. Fear that I will dishonor the great love that I hold in my soul for Chip. No, dear ego. For, you see, that is not the reality that I choose. I choose life. I choose love. So get the fuck out of my head and shape up. If you want to be a part of this production, you have to play by my rules. I am the creator here. I create my own reality. I choose life. I choose love. I choose happiness. Joy. Peace. Contentment.  True, unadulterated, unending, everlasting. My life is just beginning. And in this new reality, there is only love and happiness. The love that I have for Chip is forever.  A part of each of us connected, eternally. He knows and he wants me to be happy. To find my second soul mate. To live the rest of my reality, this life I am now creating, in love and happiness and joy and peace. To be creative and successful and to bring love and light and healing to others. To finally understand. To live.

And I know, dear White Tiger, that I do not need to do this on my own. I know that there are souls out there that love and support me. And I appreciate and accept that love and support. And return it.  And at this exact moment in time, I need to find this way myself. I can not feel guilty over going inside myself and being a bit selfish and nomadic. I am not pushing you all away forever. This is my journey and the path has just become extremely narrow at this point. Some of you will drop off and go, others will simply drop back and follow until the path widens out again. As I will do on your journeys as well.   Yes, the way has been hard this past couple of months, as everything is changing and falling into place. But I am walking in faith here. I know that I am experiencing the shift that is helping me to create this new reality. Then one that I so desire. And even though the fear is knocking at my very core, trying to sway me, I am fighting. I truly don't want to give up. So many decisions. And I am so afraid that I will make the wrong ones. I was never really good at making up my own mind. Always looked to other people for advice and guidance. But this is the time that I need to listen to my higher self and be at peace. So, I pray that the confusion clears and that I can make that decision, with no fear, no uncertainty and no regrets. I am praying that the Universe gives me a sign. Let me know for sure that the path I choose is the one to all my dearest dreams come true. And of course, for the greatest good of all.

Merry Christmas to all. A time of new beginnings. Love. Have faith. Patience.

Dreams

Most of my dreams zoom right out of my head the minute I awaken. There are only a few I remember and those are very special. Connections. I long for more. They will come to me when they are ready, or probably, when I am ready.

Then there are the other dreams. The imaginings. Dreams of a happy life. Fulfilled. Some of my dreams are fairly simplistic. A beautiful Spring evening under the stars, hand in hand with my love. Others require a bit more thought and action to achieve. Do I want to become a writer? Why, yes, I do. Do I want to have a wonderful home, set up with everything I need to be comfortable? Of course. Do I want the second love of my life to walk by my side? Absolutely!

Time to take some action and acknowledge these dreams. Work towards fulfilling the goals that will help them come true. Life is short. Before, we used to put things off until "next year", or the one after that, thinking that by then we would be better equipped to accomplish those dreams. Well, those years got erased. The dreams never realized. Now it has become apparent that part of the dream is in the living and working toward it. And then it will come true. So the time has come to live. Not next year, or the next. But now. Go forth boldly. This new year, I plan to do exactly that. I am not sure which dreams I will choose. I am not yet sure what all that will entail, but I will walk in faith, and enjoy the journey.

Come walk with me.

Emotionally

Another one of those incredibly emotional days. Oh, I have had a lot on my mind these past several weeks, and truth be told, the past two weeks have been a little more peaceful and relaxing so I don't really know why the meltdown today. Well, it is one year and two months since Chip transitioned. And looking back to this day last year, I believe that I feel pretty much the same. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, it seems as if the emotions are more raw now, than they were 6 months ago. I assume that it is just part of the process. And I have so many things on my mind. I have felt Chip more closely the last week. And that is good, because I was beginning to fear that I was losing the connection. Of course, when we come from fear, the connection does get looser. And I certainly have been very fearful lately. I know I need to just suck it up and be strong. But you cannot really tell someone that until you have walked in their shoes. This time of year is very difficult for me in many ways that most people would not understand. The tractors are hard to start. It is too cold. The water freezes. The hay diminishes. I worry about the cows pushing the fences, which I have not had the time nor the inclination to walk and clear. A good thing, yesterday instead of the snow and sleet that was expected, we got lots of rain. The creek is flowing now and flowing well enough that even if the temperature goes way down, it should not freeze solid. We got 5 bales out to them. Everyone should be content this week. And I am panicking about getting the cows in the barn so I can sell them. But I need to remember that I have done this many, many times. And I can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to, just need to remind myself of it.

One of the keys here is to have a positive attitude and to manifest the life that I desire. I have been very good at manifesting, so this should be a piece of cake. But first I need to come from the right mind frame and from love. And in order to get there, I need to center and ground and relax and allow. All things I have mentioned many times here. I have not been feeling myself lately, and it has been taking it's toll on me. But once I get myself back, I should be ready to rock and roll. And my health, physical, emotional and mental, should return as well.

I think that I am going to really try to do some of my life list things this year. Ride a mechanical bull, walk on hot coals, maybe even ride a camel if I can find one. Why not?  Important thing is to create the life that I want, that I truly want and deserve. I know that it is possible, as I have experienced the wonders of manifesting. So I just need to get in the groove and do it. Time to become a vibrant, magnetic, energetic soul.

Peace, Love and Happiness to all of you!