Sunday, June 1, 2014

Realizations, Reality And Recovery

Ok, so I have been depressed and wandering for a while now. I have my ups and downs, as we all do and it seems that there is always something to keep going for, striving for. For me that is love, understanding, awakening. I realize that a dream of mine, something I have been holding on to way too tightly, is not to be. I gave it my all. Gave it a real good try. But there are just some things that are not possible, or not as meant to be as I once thought. Sometimes you have to weigh the cost versus the value. Sometimes things are just too hard. I am not a quitter. I am pretty tenacious when I want to be, but I also need to realize ( as is one of my lessons ) that sometimes you just need to let go.  God how I grieve.

Speaking of grief, a friend of mine lost his battle with cancer yesterday. So young, so unfair. A good man with a wife and small children. Why? He was so kind to me when Chip passed away, offering me help on the farm, cutting down trees, fixing my loader, digging a new pond. He was already ill with the cancer by then and I never took him up on his offer because I knew he needed to concentrate on his own family. Something both disturbs and enlightens me. You see, the night that he passed, I felt him. At least I think it was him. It did not feel like Chip, although I think Chip was there as well, but it was a different presence. And I knew that he was gone. It was a scary feeling, but a very peaceful one as well. Hard to explain because it was one of those wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-as-if-from-a-bad-dream kind of feelings. And I knew. But this energizes me as well because I feel like I am getting connected again. For a long time I have been out of alignment with my connection to Spirit, and I feel as if this is an initiation, an invitation back. And that feels good.

( Karen, you are not the person I am speaking of in this paragraph, so don't worry) Also this week a person that I cared very much for but had not spoken  to in quite some time contacted me and sent me quite a few accusations, making assumptions that were no where near the truth. I was stunned and hurt. But it also opened an awareness in me as to how I have been feeling lately. I have not blogged regularly for a long time, and as I explain in my posts, it is because the words just don't want to come, or that my feelings are way too personal for the public eye. But that may be because I have lost a lot of my connection. So I need to get that back. It is my destiny. What an enigma I am! I tend to run away and hide when stressed and overwhelmed, yet I reach out and need the input of others desperately at the same time. How can that be possible? I think we came to an understanding, that it was all a big misunderstanding. But it really did show me how restricted I have been lately. Oppressed and overwhelmed.

This is one of those very personal posts. One in which I am sharing things that are very frightening to me. I have to stop chasing after a dream and sit back and allow the Universe to deliver it to me in the right time. (Another of my lessons - patience) You see, I feel the shift. My body is vibrating, nearly shaking. I hope that means that I am saying my truth and raising my vibration again. I have been wallowing in far too dense a state and it has taken its toll. It is time to raise that vibration and get re-connected to Source. Been feeling this very strongly for a few nights now. Unable to sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to walk outside and look at the stars and pray and cry for what I had so dearly hoped for and now realize I must let go. Signs, as I posted the other day, are presenting themselves to me again. Someone is trying to get my attention. I am afraid of being alone. Lonely. I admit it. I never was, but when you had something so wonderful and supportive, that beautiful companionship, and then lose it, it is scary. I have always been a loner, always liked to walk off into the woods by myself and get lost in the pure joy of being in nature, connecting with Source. But I also knew that when I got back, there was someone there waiting for me, arms wide open to offer a loving hug and kiss. LOVE. The thing I seek.  And so here I sit, shaky and vibrating, and I look at my coffee cup and wonder if it is the caffeine? No, because I have been feeling this way for a few days now. And last night my heart was pounding. So either I am having some kind of medical emergency or there is a shift going on inside me.

The rub is that I am both eager and afraid. I opened my heart before, allowed, and was gravely disappointed. Can I trust again? I have to remember that I was alone after Chip passed away and I did ok. I am stronger than I think. And you know, my guides have sent me the message that they acknowledge my strength. I need to remember who I am. God, I need peace. How? No more drama, dysfunction, stress, negativity. I am a very peaceful person, and when I feel like smacking someone for cutting me off, etc. then I know that I am not in the right place. But how to get there again? Oh, God, last September I felt as if I were in Heaven again. Why can't I have that back? Where is that peace and joy? Life is not this difficult. But sometimes our lessons are and this is a lesson I must pass. The reward will be peace. And bliss. And love.

Don't we need to take care of ourselves? If something makes me unhappy, do I not have the right to remove it from my life? I don't need to suffer, do I? I am allowed to remove the negative influences from my life and open to positive vibrations, right? Like attracts like. I have been so absorbed in these negative vibrations that I am only birthing more negativity. It is time to become positive. It is time to draw forth peace and love and bliss into my life. God how I grieve for what was. But maybe what it to be is so much better. 10 time better than the best of what was. The farm is overwhelming me. Way more work to do than I ever could do by myself. More than I ever want to do. It just is not in my heart any more.

Oh, the random ramblings. But I am getting a lot out - stream of consciousness like. The words are pouring out but they may not make much sense. I guess the main theme of this post is that I am awakening again and I like it but I am also having to leave some things behind, things that I have loved dearly. But have realized that they are not helping me. The whole point of this game of life is to learn, to explore, to enjoy the journey and to love. It is going to take a great deal of courage to take this next path before me. I know of some people, both here and on the other side, who will walk with me, and there are some new souls I know I will pick up along the way.


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