Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs - To Infinity And Beyond

Ok, so this is crazy but the last two days I have been receiving what I can only interpret as signs. What these signs mean, I have yet to determine, but they are there nonetheless. I really wish that I had some magic crystal ball, or some kind of translator that would enable me to know exactly what I am meant to learn from this.  One thing I do know is that I am desirable. That other people are attracted to me and my light and think I am worthy of their love and friendship. This means a lot to me as I am battling with this need to feel important and loved.

I know that I have only been posting sporadically, as the words just don't seem to want to come as easily as they used to. At first it was because I was busy being in love and feeling alive again for the first time in many years. Then it was because I was fearful and unsure, blocked and feeling hopeless. At this moment, I feel the energy beginning to shift and the possibility of a new adventure on the horizon. There are many things to accomplish here and I feel the calling. I still have the desire to sell the farm and run. Move to Florida and live on the beach. But there are ties here. I need to start cutting back on the things that are weighing me down and clear some space in my physical and spiritual world. This goes for possessions and people. Clear out everything that does not serve my highest good. Got junk? Pitch it. Negative people pulling me down, hurting me or otherwise treating me badly? Ditch them. It is time to clear the space and open up to all the wonderful things that life has in store for me. I have been in pain for far too long, it is time to live again.

I want to feel alive again.

Yes, in the beginning there were many signs. And I know what they meant. And I know that there is a meaning in everything we experience in this life. This was a lesson. And I thank you for that. I have been learning to exercise patience, faith, trust and discernment. I know that I can open my heart and love again, with the totality of my being. I know that, in feeling this deep, overwhelming feeling of love and bliss, I can see the future, forever, to infinity and beyond.

Shooting stars, fireballs, green grass, olives, the man on the tractor, a bus full of nuns holding babies, I want you to want me, walking down the hill toward the shed, voices, nose rubs, whispers meant to be heard, all of them signs. So many more.

I am ready. I will allow the Universe to supply me with all that I need and desire, gratefully, in the appropriate time. I will be patient. I will trust. I will believe. The easiest and hardest part of all of this is to just let go and allow it to come to me. Have faith and patience. What will be, will be. If certain people are meant to be in my life, then they will. If not, then I release them with love and wish them well. And welcome the new ones in. I will be looking for you. We have so many adventures to experience.

I feel myself censoring my words. Time to wrap this post up. It is almost 1:30 a.m. and I am getting a bit tired. I will ask the Universe for a sign tonight. Something that will leave no doubt as to my next step on this journey. I know that whatever path I take, it will lead to the bliss and love that I so desire. That is my destiny. And I feel that it is much more beneficial to relax and allow it to come to me rather than chase it. There are some people that I love very much and I hope that they are destined to be a permanent part of my journey, and in all the best and most loving ways.

Come and be witness to the magic unfolding in my life. Much love to you.

Birthday Bliss

This whole week has been pretty amazing. Tuesday Ronnie, Julie and Emma came over and we roasted metts over the campfire, Ronnie made cheese cake, and we shot off fireworks. They stayed late and I felt so loved and cared about. It was one of those days that I felt like I was floating in happiness and security. Then Wednesday, Prudy and Mason brought me a dozen white roses and balloons and a gigantic cupcake. Then today, Prudy took me to lunch. Best birthday I have had in a long time. Oh, and Ronnie got me some beautiful hanging plants also.

Today I also got the old finish mower out of the weeds and tried to get it hooked up to mow. It took some doing, but we got it attached to the three point hitch, but the PTO shaft was seized up and I could not get it loose. Sprayed some wd40 on it and worked it with a wrench and lever and finally got it moving and turning the blades, but the shaft still would not pull forward to attach to the PTO. We let it rest for a couple hours and then went back at it and WOO HOO, we got it loose, and got it hooked up. But now we cant get one of the bar hitches to go on. It did before, so I am going to be patient and let the wd40 do its work on that and tomorrow I will try to tackle it again.

And now I am very sore and I think I deserve a nice relaxing evening on the patio with my Kindle. Today was a small victory for me. I figured out how to do some things for myself. I can do this. I just don't want to do it alone. You know, that's the thing. I know that I am capable and independent, but I also like having someone to lean on, to ask for help and advice. Who has my back. It is so nice.

So thank you all for the wonderful birthday. I love you.

As Time Goes By

The passage of time...  So hard to believe that so much has happened in these years. So much life lived in the past 22 years that I mark my lifetime by. To me life began those 22 years ago. And it similarly ended 18 months ago. Then 8 months ago, it felt like it opened up again, and I was finally alive again. Why is life so difficult at times? I can see why some poor souls just give up. It will be better the next time around, they must think. And I ponder those choices myself. But I must remember, I survived the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Is life still difficult at times? Yes. And I really am tired of living in fear. Afraid of having my heart broken again. Afraid that I cannot do this. Yet I go on. I know that when the days are dark, it is very difficult to realize that the light is just a moment away. A positive thought away. A loving word from someone away. But as I was able to discover new love, the light does come again. We just must wait it out and allow. Sometimes we need the help of others in order to have the strength to persevere. That is why I am here. To help others see that there is light in life. If I felt that joy, that overwhelming, intoxicating, undeniable pure joy 8 months ago, then it is possible to feel it again. And again and again. Just because there is darkness, does not mean that the light is not right there, waiting to shine upon us once we have learned what it is we need to from the dark time, and shed the illusions and false beliefs that we needed to overcome to master the lesson. And love shall be ours.

17 years ago. God, how I still remember those days. I will just keep it personal now. I have those memories burned into my heart. The beginning of "Til death do us part." And we kept those vows. And we still have not parted, nor will we ever. Happy anniversary, my love.

And love is not restrictive. You can have more than one soul mate. I have said this before. I hope that I have found my second. I know that I have. And that goes for kids and step kids and others too. You can love so many people.

I wish that I were not so insecure. I have abandonment issues. I need to be loved and wanted and needed. I know that I am everything that I need. I am loveable, and desirable. Hell, I am quite the catch. There is this need to be important, special. But I am all those things. No need to look outside of ourselves, for everything we need is within us and has been always, from the beginning of time. This is one of the lessons we need to learn. So since I know this, doesn't that mean I am halfway to mastering the lesson? And once we realize these things, and practice self love, then we are able to really be open to love from our soul mates. I backslid a little ( ok a lot ) and now I need to come back to ground and realize that I am love. And love will come to me.

Someone gave me a compliment today that made all the difference. Others see me as desirable. I need to get back to myself again ( yet again, as anyone who reads this blog will know, I lose my way and then find my way back from time to time ) and start living in joy again. Everything I need is right here before me and within me. And as time goes by, I am growing stronger, wiser and more awesome than ever before. Love. Patience. Trust. Forgiveness. As I master my lessons in life, my life will become more and more wonderful and filled with love and miracles. So will yours.

Fear, Then Heal

Ok. Why am I so afraid today? Terrified. I understand.  I am processing some old hurts, purging the pain, learning from mistakes (my own and others), and healing. It is midnight. I spent an entire day in a panic over something that does not exist. Yet I allowed it to appear real to me. The demons clawed through my shield and set up residence in my mind, wreaking havoc, invoking insecurity. Maybe. But maybe it is a gift from the Universe, a learning experience, an opportunity to heal this wounded aspect of my soul. Ah, Grasshopper,  well done. You have recognized the fact that you are processing old hurts. Purging them once and for all from your heart. That must be why this came from out of the blue. Everything is well for me, so I have no reason to fear, so the fear came forward of its own volition,  in order to facilitate my processing,  purging, and healing. IT CAME TO ME because the time was right to experience this healing and the resultant peace that I have so longed for. Thank you,  thank you, thank you. I am grateful. Now I can finally begin to move forward in faith. I forgive (you) and myself. I am ready to let go of the pain, and everything it represents. I accept the lesson in this experience. I pray that I have learned all I need to from this, and that now I can have that which I most desire. LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS. And give the same back with all my heart and soul. I love you.

Where Has The Time Gone?

Today it is 18 months. One year and a half that you have been out of your physical body. Is that why I am having such a hard time today? Or is it perhaps the full blood moon and eclipse that is causing my anxiety and confusion? I feel very needy and insecure today. Can I admit that I am feeling lost and unloved? I so long to have someone by my side right now, to hold me and let me rest my head on his shoulder. To let me know that everything is going to be ok. That I am not alone. I know you are still here. That you walk beside me. I can just imagine the look on your face right now as you watch me type these words, tears streaming. It hurts you to see me hurt. I long to feel your arms around me. Do you know how much I long to have that love again? I know. Today I want to be weak. To have someone who will be my strength. I want him to not be put off by the fact that I am sometimes needy and insecure and weak. To just love me and hold me and protect me and let me know that I am not alone and never will be alone, that I am safe. I want my heart to be safe.

God, I miss you. There is a lot more that I want to say, but not here. Meet me in that place of ours. Please. I need your love and guidance.  And I need him. And I know that you sent him. The one that I fell in love with. I need to fall in love again, to be joyous and free and secure. Please come to me. Be everything that I need. I long for that romance.

My love, please send me strength. Allow me to be happy, loved and secure. You are in my heart and soul for eternity. We are and always will be one.

Determined- A New Me, A New Hope

Ok, here we are, and for the first time in months I feel stronger, more hopeful for a life of meaning. This has been quite a challenging season. A season of my life. Since October of 2012, no even longer, since Chip got sick, life has been a struggle. To survive. To heal. To grow. I have used this blog as a journal, to show my progress, my challenges, my lessons, pain and healing. To be an example for others. You can see how I have spent the last year and a half, the ups and downs. There are so many lessons, so much emotion, so much life and love contained in these pages. I truly never imagined that I could ever feel so deeply. Hurt so much. Be so lost and confused. And then be so inspired, loved, hopeful, energized. Life is so full of ups and downs. And right now, I feel him. He is right here beside me. And I know that I have not lost. Such a hard battle. But I have not lost. Who would have thought that this experience would have brought me here. To all of this. Losing my soul mate. Contemplating the meaning of continuing on alone. Struggling through the decisions. A new love. New heartbreak. Resurrection. All the time learning, learning, learning. Pain is a part of life, but oh, how I am ready for the peace again. Yes, I am strong. I was told today that I am to be reminded of how strong I actually am. That I have gone through a lot that others may not have handled as well. And I am tired. My heart hurts for quiet, peace, love. And now I also know that Chip is ok with me wanting love again. I knew he was, but I am so glad he confirmed it. To be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a whole again. My soul has been crying out for this. And I have felt him there. And yet felt lost and confused as well. So maybe now I will find clarity. I feel it. The confusion ( read: desperation) made me over think and try too hard. Remember to relax, and let the Universe send me that which it will, that which I need. Have faith.

And I can be an inspiration for others, perhaps. Teach them. Help them to heal. But first I must proceed to heal myself. For many months now I have been lost. Stepped off my path. First because I was enjoying myself. Then because I was doubting myself. Then because I was rejecting life. I hope that I have learned this lesson. And I feel that I have, or at least am well on the way to doing it. After today, I have a new vision of the events of the past few months. Of the emotions I have had and why. And now I need to absorb all of it and allow it to heal my heart. I understand, I understand! No more questioning. And as I digest this knowledge, the lesson will be learned. And what fantastic rewards await!

So once I have worked on myself, I can start to lead others. Already I can see this. A couple of weeks ago I was led to join a church group for a lunch. It was fate. I sat at a table with two fellow widows, and learned of a grief group that the church sponsored. Made a wonderful new friend, quite a few, in fact. It's been a while since I have noticed synchronicity working on my behalf. I feel as if I am back on track. I have to stop being afraid. What will be will be. Once I can relax and allow, life will begin to flow to me again. And it is about time.

Illusions?

This title just came to me. I would like for my higher self to speak to me again. It has been a long time since I have felt connected,  part of the flow of life. Looking back over my posts from the last six months, I am surprised, enlightened, encouraged, and disappointed.  So many things that I believed, some have changed. Maybe they will come back around,  maybe not. I have learned that I can love again. And be loved. I have been at the brink of despair and pulled myself out (with the love, support, and sympathetic ear of my friends). I am tired of this "half alive, half awake" feeling. Is it depression?  Yes, I have been struggling. I am tired. What do I need to do to come fully back to life? I can no longer stand this feeling of being under water, drowning. I am tired of feeling alone. I got used to being adored and loved again, and I like it and need it. I want my second soul mate. I want what we had in September and October.  I want to trust, to believe. To feel that overwhelming joy and peace in my heart. To be secure.

Today Ronnie, Julie and I went to Whitewater State Park and rode horses. Not the same as being on my own horse, but a great time nonetheless.  We visited three parks today and had a lot of fun.

So as you can see, I am confused by how I am perceiving my life lately. Is it no wonder that I am tempted to run away from it all? What shall I do? So scared, so scared. I want that person to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.  And to know for sure that it is true. I want that certainty that I had in September and October.  I need that. I want trust, security, joy, peace. True love. I want to be alive again.

Please, Universe, I am ready to have those things that I most desire. Thank you.