Happy Easter

Yesterday was such a glorious day! Sunshine, warmer. I banded Marty. Mason was perplexed. "you did what to his balls??"  Mike couldn't even look. " oh oh oh, tell me when it's over". Yeah, there you go - boys never piss me off.  And I sold Nick. We haven't negotiated price yet, but Mitch committed to taking him. Good thing I didn't castrate him too, cause Mitch wants him as a bull. Prudy and the kids have been doing a good job, because when I took Nick out to have a look at him, he led like a perfect angel. God, I remember my own bottle calves of just a few years ago - Chip and me being mommy and they would follow us all over the place like puppies.

 



 



Yeah, I remember.  And even though I have been down and worried about the farm, whether or not I can do this on my own, these are the days that remind me of why we do this. This is my life. I have a tendency to want to run away from life from time to time. Like a 6 year old child, running away seems the only solution to a scary life. Now that I am the "mother" to that scared, lonely 6 year old child, I am forced to reconsider that form of escape. This is home, and running away is not going to solve anything. Working through the fear is a good start. Chip is standing over my shoulder right now and I feel that he is in agreement. He hated when I used to exlaim "I quit!" and "I give up!" even if I didn't really mean it, just blowing off steam. He never gave up. Never quit the fight, even when he knew. He fought a grand, hard fight. I am so proud of him. In his honor, I must not give up. This game is mine to play, and I intend to come out the other side victorious. You will be so proud, love.

 

I AM.

I AM a powerful, limitless, spiritual being formed of love and light. And I shall carry that love and light, and share it with all beings. We are all in this together, we are all connected.

 

Last night we went to our nephews wedding. It was a wonderful evening. Nancy invited me to ride with her and Steve. Since I don't drive much at night, good thing. Also good because Steve kept putting beer in front of me. As a very very light drinker, 2 beers was more than enough on an empty stomach ( if I drink at all it may be a few sips from a can and I am done. ) so I turned down the third. And now I know what a hangover must feel like. Caleb was ring bearer and he was just adorable. Again, I am so blessed that these people have opened their arms and accepted me as part of the family. I have said before, blood does not make a family. I have no blood family.  Well, I just said we are all connected, so that is a little hyprocritical. But you know what I mean. Chip was my whole family, my everything. The icing on the cake is that all of these people who are his blood family, accept me. And there are a few friends out there also, that I feel a connection to. Soul friends. Part of a group, we have been together many times, playing many different roles in each others lives. Always we find our way back to one another, just as our soul mates do. Here to touch each others lives with love and light and enjoy the game together.

 

Much Love - know you are not alone. ( and remind me of that once in a while )

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking Time

Today I took some time to be good to myself. Wasn't feeling too well, so I figured that was a good excuse to burn up some of those sick hours that I won't get paid for when I leave the courthouse. When I got home I went to check on the cows and horses since they were right in the back yard :

Do you see how the grass is starting to green up? Joe the bull is looking at me like "bitch, better run".
So I said " screw you, Joe". Then I walked away, Slloooooowwwllllyyy. Shows him!

And Buck is having a grand time. He got his cotton candy and then decided to kick up his heels a little.

Then off to a shower and rest. It's nice to be good to yourself.

Have some homework to do. Could really use a friend. You know, just someone calling just to chat. A lot of people are coming up to me and telling me that they will help me - if I need anything just ask. This is so nice. It is hard for me to ask for help though. But the place looks so forlorn right now. Sill no leaves on the trees and the grass needs some serious sunshine. And the yard needs cleaned up from all those serious storms that came through and put down so many limbs. Once it gets dry enough I will put the bucket on the tractor and bring it up to the house and start some clean up. We are right at that tipping point - the one where all of the sudden the cows just stop eating hay and go right to grazing. Happens every year. And then time to cut the grass in the yard. That is a chore that I really enjoy. And if it is nice tomorrow, I will open all the windows and turn the fan on and air out the winter funk from the house - Spring cleaning!!

I intended to blog a little about my feelings , I have been missing Chip the last couple of days. I guess last week was so exciting, and now that things are calmer I am feeling the let down. Oh, I am still so unbelievably excited about my new job and everything, don't get me wrong. And the radio show on Tuesday - I got to share all of my happy news with everyone. It is such a blessing to connect with such wonderful people.

Well, my intentions were good, but the couch is calling. There's always tomorrow.

Peace Out.

A Quickie

Amazing. That's all I can say. It feels so good to know you are capable, that you have friends, that you are loved.  I had several strange sensations last weekend and feel that this may be a pivotal point in my development. I have been really open to the Universal forces this week and been having some wonderful feelings and experiences and insights. Like the idea about the farm popping into my head. I was all set to sell it and now I have inspiration to look into other options. 1. If I sell, there will be money. 2. If I get a partner and expand, there will also be money - and more work - but hey LIFE WITHOUT WORK IS GUILT - WORK WITHOUT ART IS BRUTALITY.   And of course, the land will continue to appreciate in value the longer I hold it. What to do...
And the salary I was asking for just being offered, without me even asking for that amount - the exact amount! And the job itself. I AM worthy.

Chip has been close. I need to remember my nap on our anniversary. He was there with me. It is kind of difficult to push aside a lifetime of conditioning and open to the wonders of the Universe, but I am working on it and I am completely open to it. No analyzing, just trust.

I am moving away from the negativity of my old job and into a new adventure. I know Chip is proud of my accomplishments. I wish I could hear him, hear his voice, "atta girl, Red!" Just believe. But all the things I have been requesting from the Universe are manifesting. This, too, will come. I will work toward it and I am worthy of it.

And since the Universe is being so generous, I have a few more requests :

Love, Light and Healing energy to all my friends. We are all connected. We are all one. May all your dreams come true. May all your problems evaporate. May you know only love, health , happiness and success.

Love and safety and food for all the homeless and unwanted animals - may you all find your loving forever homes. And also for the wild ones.

The same for all homeless people. And the elderly and the children.

May the pastures grow lush, thick with sweet, succulent grasses for all of my bovine and equine friends. And the hay fields produce record crops. Oh, and someone to come along and help me get all that hay cut and baled.

Namaste

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary, Love! 21 years today. God. Nearly half my life. And oh, how I wish, well, you know. Remember that first date? You brought me here, to the farm and introduced me to all the cows and the horses. You showed me Red, and the calf she was carrying." See, there's the eye!" 
Then dinner. Then back to my house where we watched Man From Snowy River I and II and Sylvester. It was nearly 2 when you left. And we have been inseparable ever since. Well, love never dies. In you I found soul mate, love,best friend,  protector, audience, cheer squad, therapist, life coach, confidant - you name it. There was absolutely nothing we couldn't ( or didn't ) do.
So many adventures. I am enjoying looking back to my old blogs and revisiting some of the memories within. Very rewarding. This is not the venue to share all of my personal thoughts and memories, some will remain just that, personal. I can feel you breathing a sigh of relief! But there are so many precious, beautiful, fun, exciting things that I need to put down here, to revisit and savor.

Remember all the rodeos? Sitting in the barn, in the dark with flashlights, in 20 degree sleet storm, waiting for a cow to calve? Pulling calves, sitting up with sick animals, all the lives we watched come into this world, and those we were with when they moved on to the next step of their journey. The ones that we saved when the vet gave up? Now that was something. We were unstoppable. Remember when the vet stated that that one cow would never get up, and we managed to get her to her feet, just the two of us. Somehow found the strength to lift an 800 pound cow. And of course the cow with the calf we had to pull out piece by piece.  And me doing the plunge into that pool of liquid manure? And breaking Peaches? What a magnificent beast. How many miles of fence did we put up and walk and clear? And you on your loader, clearing the woods. You were in sheer bliss there, my friend. Better than sex. Well, maybe not.

Remember when T.J got a wild hair and started chasing us? We were in the open in the middle of the pasture. And no matter how sweet he was, you still run like hell when a 2000 pound bull is chasing you. Bear got in his way and he was playing with him and TJ rolled Bear, and Whitey got in there, all 10 pounds of her and bit TJ on the nose to get him to back off. And we ran. And we went to go over the fence and it was hot and you shocked yourself good. And we laughed so hard. And how we had that special relationship with TJ, and I could go out there and sit on him like a horse and he would just stand there?

And those are just a few.

Well, I feel you here right now, very strongly. I know you know how I feel. I am working hard on this. We will add more memories. We are on a great adventure, you and I and I am open and excited for it.

Now in your honor, I am going to go have some Makers Mark and watch Sylvester. Be with me. Love me. We are one.

May the light of God's love be with us all.

Addendum

Felt pushed to add this to the previous post in regards to the farm in Indiana:

I remember how much work it was to cut hay out there - loading up the equipment and then cutting, raking, teddering and baling all day. 90 degree weather. No shelter. No bathrooms. ( ! )  Several days, long days - sun up to sunset and beyond ( again, no bathrooms or running water )  long, hot, dusty days. Then loading the hay and taking it all home - trip after trip. And how much fun it was to be doing all that work with the man I love. And after, a long shower and then sitting on the patio in the moonlight enjoying a cold beer. And , oh my god, the electric blue slush puppies , brain freezes ! All these memories and feelings just started to well up in me.

Be excellent to one another!

Deep Thoughts

Almost made a Freudian slip in my spelling.

Life is such a beautiful thing. Though it is filled with struggle, pain and turmoil, it always, always goes back to its origin - Love. So many wonderful things have happened so far this year, this is kind of a 1st quarter report. First, I am coming to the realization that it is ok to live and be happy. Chip wants this for us. It is no honor to him to deny myself happiness and contentment. Being kind to myself, gentle and caring, is actually showing him my love and respect. Like I said before, he was always extremely protective of me. Nothing has changed. But yes, dear, I still miss you. I miss the sound of your voice,loudest thing in my ear. I miss the touch of your skin, the beat of your heart as you hold me close. Nothing, nothing will change that. But I know, too, that you are working to help facilitate these wonderful things that are appearing in my life ( our lives ) .  I have made some new friends, who give me the feeling that I have known them all along, over many lifetimes. Especially important right now as I am reaching out to the Universe to seek my soul friends, and with them a sense of belonging. Going back to my childhood, I never felt as if I belonged. I was a stranger and was treated like it, too. What could the reason for this be? Why would I not be born into my soul family? Did these people have things to teach me, or damage me, that I needed in order to align with my life's path? Does the fact that there are 20 years between Chip and me have anything to do with it? But anyway, there are people out there that I feel a deep connection to, and I hope that I am able to develop that connection. This is all about learning.

Something to work on:  I am absolutely amazed and humbled that the Universe is providing me with these wonderful things. I need to remember that I deserve them. And many more fantastic things as well. Now to become more sensitive and able to connect with Spirit and Source.

Ben and Paul came by today to pick up the old tanks and hay wagon that I sold them. While they were hauling things off, I experienced a huge wave of melancholy. Here were things that Chip brought home so excitedly, with plans to create something new out of them, something useful. He never got to do that. And now I am sending them off with someone else. Sad for so many reasons. But I cannot use them, and Ben and Paul are going to make use of them as Chip intended. This way the creativity lives on, and I get the place a little cleaned up. I just hope Chip understands this. It wasn't difficult to sell Bella, since he and I had already discussed it and planned to. But some of these things, I know he had big plans for and it makes me sad to think he never got a chance to do it.

We also discussed selling the farm in Indiana. I am all set to do this, and then just this morning, while thinking about getting things started, I had a second thought. The home farm is big enough to support the numbers we have already, and a few more. If I concentrate on a few high quality head of cattle for breeding and showing purposes, then we will be fine. If I want to increase the herd for commercial purposes, then we will need more hay ground, which is where the farm in Indiana comes in. Up until this point, I have been happy to cut back on the numbers and relax a little, be good to myself and not create any additional stress. But now, since the Universe is blessing me with all these wonderful gifts, I am feeling a little more adventurous. But I cannot do it by myself. I will need a business partner. I have a couple of people in mind that I could trust. But I just don't know. I mean, the thought came to me this morning, clear as a bell, but is it just wishful thinking, or a real sign?  I will think about it, and if it is meant to be, then the people I have in mind will approach me and I will know. And we can start from there.

Tell you what, I have been feeling all kinds of confident lately! I deserve these wonderful gifts, and it's ok to be happy. This is my time. I have not felt so good in a long time. Chip is by my side, this I know, and he is cheering me on in this journey. Don't know if you read this, Brad, but if you do ( or even if you don't I am still sending love and light ) I am so grateful for all the work we are doing together. I Am learning, I Am BEcoming, I Am evolving.

Just got a "nudge"   " There is much to do my friend. Loved one, we will do this together, the universe is ours to see. Let us traverse it together and be free."

Love and light to all

Red

So Excited

It has been a long time since I have felt so excited and free and joyful. I woo-hoo'd all the way home in the car last night, so much that I was hoarse when I got home. You see, I got a new job last night. Here's the thing. A few days earlier, I sent a request to the Universe, asking for a new opportunity. My old job was just too stressful and soul sucking, with little to no satisfaction. My coworkers are mostly bitter and negative and unhappy. And really, if anyone has an excuse to be bitter and unhappy, I could take that. But I am not defined by the events that happened to me, but rather the way I rise above them and move on. And I have been extremely positive. Well, the Universe answered me with an attorney approaching me asking if I knew anyone who wanted to be a legal secretary. Silly me, I thought he was asking in general, didn't realize that he had me in mind. So he said to call him, and I spent the weekend fretting over whether I wanted to go for it or not. Yeah, I was terrified. Would I be qualified enough? Would I have enough of an education? Etc. Etc.  Then on Tuesday I ran into him and he said "Cindy, what the hell?, I thought you were gonna call me?" So I committed to an interview for Wednesday night after work. And fretted all day, same shit. Well, I mentioned it to Brad, my therapist hero, and he worked me through the fear. I am worthy, by God! And by Wednesday morning I was so excited I could hardly wait. Well, when I got there, I was prepared to interview, to work to get the job. It appears that the job was already mine. Do you know how flattering that is? You see, all these years I have been an excellent, hardworking, dedicated employee and never really got anywhere. The county froze our salaries, took away a lot of our benefits, etc. during budget cuts, so we were stuck. But evidently the attorneys were watching, and my hard work was not going unnoticed. So I was offered the position and I am so excited! I love this guy - he has an awesome sense of humor and is very fun loving and goofy. And icing on the cake, today after I formally resigned from my old position, and was spreading the news, a couple of attorneys approached me to congratulate me. Huh?? don't know how they knew, but there is some underground info mill going on. And Brad, my new boss, came in and said the same thing - how all these attorneys were telling him how lucky he is to have nabbed me! Flattery overload! They like me , they really, really like me. And that has to make him feel good about the deal.  So my friends, I am going to celebrate.

And now for a shower. It is the second day of spring and it snowed today. I need to implore the Universe to send warmth and sunshine and just enough rain as needed to grow some rich lush pasture and hayfields. We need grass! We have another old cow who is struggling and her calf needs some help. This weekend I am going to get him in the barn and start feeding him. We will bring the other two down and put them in the stall with him and then have all three together. They are really eating me out of house and home, but now I am going to be making enough money to afford them.

I guess the point I want to make is that the Universe absolutely did answer my call.  Wonderful things are beginning to happen to me and I deserve them. The more I step back and just allow, the more blessings come my way.

Many blessings to all!