Chasing Rainbows

Can you feel the shift? Something to remember, I think I have said it before, The best things I have found in life, I found when I was not looking. And that is important because it has taken a long time this time around for me to realize that, in relation to the situations I find myself in now. What I mean by that is, Chip came into my life out of the blue. I was not seeking a companion at that moment, and there he was. The very best thing that ever happened to me. And the job, I just put out the plea to the universe and did not think another thing about it and lo and behold, here comes BMK. And so many other wonderful things. I need to mention the wallet story - maybe another time. But lately, I have ( had, now that I know what's up ) been asking for things and constantly worrying about how they were going to come about. How many times have I told myself that I need to be patient and that all things will come in their time. Trust the universe. Send out my desires and forget about them. Allow the universe to work it's magic and provide. Don't worry about how they will get here. And they will get here.  And life will be so much easier.

Thought I had more to say, but am feeling a bit tired and emotionally wrung out. Not in a bad way, more in a relieved, peaceful way. And I don't want to challenge that, because Chip is near and I would like to go and relax and try to connect tonight.

This weekend was very busy with Reagan's party and then Bonnie and I went on a geocaching adventure on Sunday and then went back to her house and raked topsoil for several hours.

                                       Here are some pics of the highlights of the weekend:

Cinderella and Belle

 

Me driving the carriage

 

                                                             Cheese! We found it!

So tonight is for reflection and connection. Got to get that other stuff out of my head until my answers come to me and I can get some clarity. Thank you BS for all you do. Tonight I can relax.
Tomorrow, I shall dance.

 

My Dream

A sharp rap on the headboard awakens me with a start. I take a deep breath and make myself still. The air pressure changes slightly and I feel that familiar buzz in my ear, the one I have been longing for these many weeks, the one I feared lost. You are here. There is a sensation of energy, swirling, undulating, coming in close, enveloping me. A warm, loving hug. A feeling of ultimate  peace washes over me and my body relaxes. You whisper in my ear, and I realize that I am not hearing sound in the physical sense, but rather picking up on the energy, thought vibrations that you are sending me. Don't listen with your ears, Cin, listen with your heart. I have so missed you. Was it because I was so pre-occupied with other concerns? Work, and stress and questions unanswered? Were you here the whole time, and I just could not sense you because my heart was closed in fear? Will you stay now? Reassure me. There are things that I have remembered, never knowing they were forgotten. This path has been rough, uneven, rocky. I stepped off course. This was a learning experience, but probably needn't have been at all. I allowed the fear, the confusion, the angst. None of it was necessary. I did not take your advice, did not " go with the flow" did not " Don't make life harder than what it is". Not on purpose, but just because I was so wrapped up in worry. Now, with you here by my side, I can listen, truly listen, and know. For you are wise. Do you forgive me? Will you continue to guide and protect and love me on this journey? The only way I want to do this is with you by my side. We can do this. We can work together to create peace and love and healing. You reach out and touch my arm. I feel it. Almost, almost I can smell you. That wonderful scent, uniquely you. My heart leaps, overflowing with so many emotions, overjoyed at our connection, for when I feel you close, all is well in my world. In our world. As in the physical, and now from both sides of the veil, together we can do anything.This is not a dream. I am awakening.  You will walk with me, this I know. We shall experience this adventure together. Loyally, faithfully, eternally.

Always, my love.

Par-tay

Laying in bed at Bruce and Noella's house. The princess party was awesome! And since I do not drive in the dark, Noella asked me to stay over. So I am blogging from my phone. Wow,this is so not like me. Usually way too shy to socialize like this. Am I moving forward into this next phase of my life? Getting ready to give seminars and teach? I participate in the live radio show regularly,and that is becoming easier and extremely enjoyable.  Part of me feels like I am coming into my own.

Eliot was giving me advice on love and romance tonight. Said I should just go for it. Well,I explained, Chip will send me the perfect person. He will have to be very spiritual,wise,kind,and loving. Treat me like the precious jewel that I am. Be willing to walk beside Chip and me and be our partner. And of course, I would be a loving devoted partner to him too.  I told Eliot that this will have to be one very special person. He brought up my mystery cowboy and we had a good laugh at that.  So here I am ,getting love advice from my boss. All in good time. Chip will send him. There aren't too many guys out there who meet that criteria,but Chip knows what he is doing. And he will know when I am ready.

I am going to blog more about my feelings on this.  It is an important step on this journey.  This is one of the things that has been on my mind and one of those questions that I mentioned in a  previous post. I keep going back and forth on the issue because on one hand I still feel a little guilt over the idea, and on the other hand, I feel like I am being called to it. That explains a lot of my mixed feelings lately. But I seriously do feel like the next step of that spiritual maturing I was talking about is on its way. And remember, before a spiritual breakthrough, we usually experience a period of chaos and unrest. Which is exactly what I have been going through the last couple of weeks. And believe me, I m ready for the new, improved me. With or without my mystery cowboy.

A Special Place

Clover field at edge of the woods

 

In the woods beneath the canopy at the edge of the clover field

Beneath the canopy

View of the clover field from my back yard

Early evening

                                       Dusk, looking from the back yard into the clover field.

If There Was A Problem - Yo! - I'll Solve It!

Much better, much much better. Today, I worked the night shift. BMK was making fun of me for whining that I can't drive in the dark. The day started hectic and busy but then we got everything done and were able to relax a little. And Princess Reagan's party is tomorrow. I am so excited! Gonna get our princess' on!

When two dear friends mention that I seem to be sad and melancholy lately, I know that I need to kick myself in the butt and get back to happy. Like I mentioned last night, I realized that I was picking up on some negative energy and now that I have recognized the problem it seems to have abated. And give me a break, but I was exhausted this week, physically and emotionally.

And a dear friend also mentioned something that got me thinking and wow, what a realization I had that I am so guilty of this. We tend to act or react to people based on the perceptions we have of one another. And absolutely, now that it has been brought to my attention, yowie.  Some people I act extremely confident around, others I feel charming, or funny or sexy even. And then others I feel like a big dummy. And now it all makes sense. Will go into this more later, but for now it is getting late and the words are avoiding me.

Oh, but one more thing! Driving to court this morning I got a nudge with an idea for a book. A fictional story. Kind of excited about that and think that I will make some time to outline it and see how it fleshes out.

And this is going to be one fantastic weekend, full of excitement and happiness and love. Hear that, Universe?? 

So dear ones, rest well.

Just Because - That's Why!

Another post tonight because now I feel a teeny more energized than earlier. Something came to me while having a conversation with a friend and I think it is part of my issue. I need to center and ground and put up my shields. I was really feeling the heavy vibrations around me while on the phone. I know that I am stressed and depressed and even physically ill right now and it is all just coming to a head, but that extra heavy feeling just made me realize that someone else may be sending negative vibes my way. If that is the case - back atcha 10 times over. Nah, actually I just need to ground and put up my shields and send love and light to whomever is doing that. Actually, love and light to all.

Time to be positive. Time to dance. As a matter of fact, I am going to go outside right now and have a turn around the back pasture.

I Am Cindy and I Am Freaking Awesome!!

Sending everyone love and light and happy peaceful thoughts.

Satisfaction

As in : "I Can't Get No...."  Yesterday was not a bad day at work. Thanks to Po for the pep talk on Tuesday night. Today was extremely stressful. One of those days where everything came non stop. To top it off I woke up this morning sick as can be. Pukin' Luken. But I willed myself to get better and after I got to work I started to feel better. So the day was filled with lots of activity and stress. And now here I am. I did it. There are a few little things that need to be done that I will have to make some phone calls on, etc. before I can finish them, but all the major stuff is completed. And lots of compliments from my bosses and co worker today. And I needed that because it was one of my insecure days. But, yeah, I do ROCK, dammit!

As a matter of fact, this whole week has been a little weird. I have been kind of "off". Not that being off isn't kind of the norm for me lately anyway. But I have been missing Chip like crazy, and feeling really alone, and stressed. And I wonder if the sickness this morning wasn't my body ridding itself of toxins, physical and emotional. You know, I really wonder if ... well, I really can't voice it right now. But I know that something is going on. Do you know how much I long for peace? For fun, happy, loving, peaceful days? When life turns around and starts to get blissful? There are those moments. And I relish them. But my impatient bitchy self is wanting more. I deserve that.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that in this blog, I share my truest, most authentic, vulnerable self. And I have to. For me. And also so if anyone reads this, they may gain some insight into their own challenges. Sometimes I share too much, but in being authentic, I have to. It is hard, because there is always the fear of being judged, or ridiculed. But, again, if I put it out there, not only am I working through things and journalizing the feelings and experiences of my life, aiding in my healing,  but am also giving other people something to think about, maybe even helping them to heal.


Steph and I were talking today about loyalty and friendship, truth and honesty. About how people deserve to be treated. We seem to have the same ideas about integrity. And I am more of a sucker than most people. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, until you prove me wrong. But there are some people that I am really struggling with as far as where their loyalty lies and whether or not they are being truthful with me. It seems that everyone has their own personal agenda and as long as it benefits them, they don't care who they lie to or hurt. Glad to know that Stephanie and I agree. A co worker that I considered a friend and who pretty much swore had my back, really let us all down.  You can't go back. So I think it is time for me to purge. If you have been reading this blog, you know one of my big challenges is trust. And I am back to wondering if I am giving people way too much credit and way to much power over my feelings.

 I have wasted way too much energy trying to maintain relationships, in the hopes that things will change, that maybe this was meant to be. Too much stagnating. That's what it feels like! Like that small puddle in the creek bed that is almost dried up, and is all black and smelly. My soul is looking for that refreshing rain storm, washing away all the negative, sadness and stress.

And then the rainbow that comes after.