Thursday, August 1, 2013


As in : "I Can't Get No...."  Yesterday was not a bad day at work. Thanks to Po for the pep talk on Tuesday night. Today was extremely stressful. One of those days where everything came non stop. To top it off I woke up this morning sick as can be. Pukin' Luken. But I willed myself to get better and after I got to work I started to feel better. So the day was filled with lots of activity and stress. And now here I am. I did it. There are a few little things that need to be done that I will have to make some phone calls on, etc. before I can finish them, but all the major stuff is completed. And lots of compliments from my bosses and co worker today. And I needed that because it was one of my insecure days. But, yeah, I do ROCK, dammit!

As a matter of fact, this whole week has been a little weird. I have been kind of "off". Not that being off isn't kind of the norm for me lately anyway. But I have been missing Chip like crazy, and feeling really alone, and stressed. And I wonder if the sickness this morning wasn't my body ridding itself of toxins, physical and emotional. You know, I really wonder if ... well, I really can't voice it right now. But I know that something is going on. Do you know how much I long for peace? For fun, happy, loving, peaceful days? When life turns around and starts to get blissful? There are those moments. And I relish them. But my impatient bitchy self is wanting more. I deserve that.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that in this blog, I share my truest, most authentic, vulnerable self. And I have to. For me. And also so if anyone reads this, they may gain some insight into their own challenges. Sometimes I share too much, but in being authentic, I have to. It is hard, because there is always the fear of being judged, or ridiculed. But, again, if I put it out there, not only am I working through things and journalizing the feelings and experiences of my life, aiding in my healing,  but am also giving other people something to think about, maybe even helping them to heal.

Steph and I were talking today about loyalty and friendship, truth and honesty. About how people deserve to be treated. We seem to have the same ideas about integrity. And I am more of a sucker than most people. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, until you prove me wrong. But there are some people that I am really struggling with as far as where their loyalty lies and whether or not they are being truthful with me. It seems that everyone has their own personal agenda and as long as it benefits them, they don't care who they lie to or hurt. Glad to know that Stephanie and I agree. A co worker that I considered a friend and who pretty much swore had my back, really let us all down.  You can't go back. So I think it is time for me to purge. If you have been reading this blog, you know one of my big challenges is trust. And I am back to wondering if I am giving people way too much credit and way to much power over my feelings.

 I have wasted way too much energy trying to maintain relationships, in the hopes that things will change, that maybe this was meant to be. Too much stagnating. That's what it feels like! Like that small puddle in the creek bed that is almost dried up, and is all black and smelly. My soul is looking for that refreshing rain storm, washing away all the negative, sadness and stress.

And then the rainbow that comes after.

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