Saturday, September 27, 2014

What Is So Freaking Hard About This, Or, AUGHHHHHHHHHH

Ack! WTF!  Why why why cant I make up my mind? Why am I so torn? Really, I need to just turn my back and walk away from this situation. Just forget about it for a little while. Rest. Relax. Rejuvenate. It will all be there when I decide to return to reality, and what is meant to be will be. God, I so want to just run away to Florida and never look back. But there are properties to be sold, as well as equipment and animals and dreams. Dreams. Lost and found, then lost again. But not nightmares, no, not that. Still dreams, still good, even along with the pain. Still all the good memories. Memories of those wonderful moments in spacetime. Why can't I just forget? Others can. Just forget and walk away and move on. But there is more to it than that. Those dreams wont let go of my heart. Not these dreams. And I know the difference, because there are so many that I have walked away from. Never to be thought of again. So I know that there is a reason that they have this hold on me. They are meant to be a part of my life. If not, they would dissolve, just like other dreams long cast aside and forgotten. No these dreams are meant to be awakened. Just like the horses. From the beginning of my memory, I have always loved horses. They always have and always will be a part of me. So is this dream. These dreams. To write. To help. To serve. To heal. To love. To live a life of adventure. All of them, calling me at the same time. Each one demanding my attention. Remember what I have said in the early posts- I have the rest of my life. Things will happen when they are meant to, not a moment sooner. And again, as I mentioned, maybe I needed to be introduced to some ideas, experience some things just to know that they are out there. They aren't just yet ready for me, but they will be soon, and then I will be ready for them. They won't let go of my heart, because they are not meant to.

Walk softly. Those words just popped into my head. Not sure what they mean, but I am sure that I will become aware of their significance soon. Walk softly, in beauty. Ok, I know what it is telling me. Start living in Grace. Allow. Be. Force and strength and might will not win this prize. I can be as soft as the yearling doe. This will be difficult for me because I have come to have the need to close off my heart like a steel vault. AAAAAHHHH. That is the battle. The fight is between my psyche and my soul. One calling out to my destiny, the other pushing away in fear of being hurt. THAT'S why I can't make up my mind. Fear. And the opposite of fear is LOVE. The two cannot exist in tandem. One or the other, Cin. Which shall it be?

Walk softly, walk with courage. Courage to overcome the fear. Remember, I am an infinite, powerful awesome spirit. Nothing can hurt me, unless I allow the illusion that it can. Be brave, dear one. Swallow the fear and step boldly in the direction of  your dreams. Walk through that fire. On the other side is your paradise.

So many dreams. So many choices. But all of them will lead me to home. To my destiny. Whether I sell and move, or stay here, write that book, hone my skills, give my lectures, train my horses, walk on fire, find my true love and second soul mate, all things will take me just where I need to be. To the right place in the right time.

Listening to A Thousand Years. That song always gets me too. And somehow, I know. I awoke one morning last week with that song in my head and some ideas ( remnants from a lucid dream ) in my heart. A sign. Don't be afraid. I instantly knew it was a sign.  As painful as it sometimes is, I am in awe of and loving this dance of our souls, all of us, in this lifetime. We are all connected. We are all one. We each have our purpose together. I honor each and every one of you that walks alongside me.

Now I intend to make up my mind and go on that adventure!!!!   Ride with me.

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