Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Random Musings Of A Confused Mind

That is a scary name for a post, now isn't it? Well, I guess it was well earned because I certainly have been confused lately. Last time I was feeling this way I was reminded that it was because a shift was coming and I was clearing old stuff out to make room for the new stuff and coming into my power. You know what? I think I have cleared plenty of crap, and cried more than my share of tears lately, so its about time to get this party started and get the new and improved me unwrapped.

There is so much I want to cover in this post, but I can already tell that it is not going to come forth. Wanted to speak on grief, and how it has really been kicking my butt lately. Bringing back old issues to grieve on, and also the new issues of the loss of a friendship that I was so dearly loving. And the questions associated with that loss. So new heartbreak. And you said you would never break my heart. I meant it when I said I would never break yours. Seeing the place changing for the seasons has been hard on me. There is so much to do, and I haven't the energy, nor the resources to do it. The farm house needs to come down. That, of course, will be hard for me. And how I would love to have a big broad shoulder to lean on for that. I'm really tired of doing all this on my own. I mean, I have been doing this for two years now by myself, and while Chip was so sick, I did most of it myself too. And I am independent. I am strong. But sometimes you realize that you want someone on your side. It is becoming very apparent that I need to sell this place and run. But do I want to leave all the memories behind? Home is where you are. Chip will follow me wherever I go, I know this. I don't really want to spend another winter here. Florida sounds so nice.

Been babysitting for Courtney and Brad and I just love Griffin and Reagan. These people have been so good to me. I feel like a member of the family, like they really care about me.

Trying to have some adventures as well. You know, the life's too short thing. Rode the bull at Bobby Mackey's on Saturday. That will be another post.  Next up, firewalking. And if I get some help, getting Buck into shape and riding him.

And memories are really pouring in. And signs. Maybe just maybe I am coming into myself again. God its been such a long time and I really need to find my way back. I want to be happy and secure again. This time last year. Remember? God how I wish I could feel those feelings again. I was starting to. Cant we please? I know what I mean, even if no one else does. That joyous, overwhelming high on life feeling, where you can't think of anything else and everything is wonderful? You feel so safe and secure and happy. Like singing and dancing for no reason. Yes, I want that back.

No more tears, Cin. Life is too short. You have to have faith. You have to have patience. If it is meant to be, it will. And will be 100 times better.

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