Dear Cindy of September 4, 1994,
Here we are, 20 years in the future, September 4, 2014. I'm here to tell you some things. Things that I have learned, that I wish you had known then. Maybe you would have changed things, changed your path in life, but probably, you, my brave, sweet soul, would still forge ahead with faith and confidence, even knowing then what I know now.
You see, there is a lot to come. A lot of pleasure, but a lot of pain too. My dear girl. Cherish and savor these years. You truly are living in innocence right now. You are at your prime. Your career is going strong. You can ( and will ) accomplish many things. You will go beyond your comfort zone and will try many career paths. You will be successful in each one. Well liked and respected. But you will want more, different. You love to learn and do new things. Right now, we are at a standstill. We don't have the strength to decide what it is we want. Our hearts are broken and we are not ready to put ourselves out in the working world. You see, grief is a bitch. Oh, but I am getting a bit ahead of myself here. Lets start at the beginning, with some things that you should know, but in a sort of condensed version. After all, if I tell you the whole story, then what is the joy in discovering it all yourself?
First, kiddo, live. Live your life. Live unafraid. The bad stuff is going to happen and you cant really stop it even if you tried. Its destined and all. But don't let that stop you from receiving the joy that life has to offer, even amidst the pain. Like I said, you are going to have all kinds of experiences. From helping a cow give birth ( many many times over ) to training horses, to living in love with your soul mate, Chip.
And love. Love with all your heart. No matter what. You are going to discover that you will love many people. Some of them deserve your love, some will not. Or so it will seem to you. Of course, Chip, the greatest love. Our soul mate. We will love and lose this great man to a terrible disease. But don't let that stop you. The love and joy will overcome the pain that we will endure. And he will remain beside us always. You will understand this better when you experience it for yourself. Then Ronnie, your twin flame. He will teach us that we can love again. And feel alive again. There are many lessons to come from this love. Your heart will break. Hang in there. Hang in there. Love is ours. Have faith, dear one. You could choose to alter this course. Run, go another direction, on another path. But in doing so, would you learn those things most needing learned? There are some who will hurt your heart. You will question the need to go on. Your hope dangling by a string. But those who are meant to be in your life, will be. Faith. Patience. These, my dear girl are the lessons you most need to learn. The ability to let go and allow. Love and companionship seem to be a very important focus in our lives at this time. I know from much reflection that this is due to our great loss of the great man, Chip. We feel the need to be whole. Yes, we are whole and complete in and of ourselves. But we also feel the pull of his heart. There are soul mates out there. Meant to walk this path alongside us. Friends, lovers, companions. We just need to be patient and allow this love to come to us and to build and grow. From broken hearts will come the true love that we have sought for all eternity.
You will be betrayed by friends and family members. But you will come to decide that life is too short to hold grudges. Let them go. They are on their own journey. We assist one another in those lessons. It is a gift from one to the other.
You will have lots of adventures, small ones compared to what most people experience. At least for right now. Perhaps in our future, we will have some big adventures. But for now, we are content. Concerts, festivals, dancing, tattoos, doing lots of things we have never done before.
We have made a few mistakes in the past 2 years. Maybe acted a little hastily on some decisions. You see, I have figured that life is too short. Too short to deny yourself the things that you really desire. To hold back. To be afraid. ( oh, but believe me. I am terrified ) I have put myself out there. Probably made a fool of myself with some people ( this is personal, so I will let you find that one out for yourself) , but all in the living. We must walk our path. I have met some wonderful people these last two years. I have loved. I have danced. I have cried. Lots. I learned to drink, and to share many drinks and bon fires with my beloveds. I went to Kings Island and rode every one of the roller coasters and the rides that I was so hesitant to ride before. Yes, even the Drop Tower and the Delirium . I have put aside my shyness and stepped before a crowd and danced my heart out at the Remains concert in Blue Ash, along with some dear friends. I dared to share my true essence with some. I opened my heart and allowed people in. Some have broken it ( as stated above) while others have become an indelible part. Unforgettable. And even if things are not the same, I do have the memories. Those count for something, even if we still wish that somehow, things could have stayed the same. But maybe that is opening the door for something even better. Dear girl, everything we have experienced has made us who we are today, and those experiences still to be had shall create our future self.
Oh, Cin, there is so much more to tell you. But better you learn for yourself. I guess what I mean to say is that you will be ok. For the most part life will be calm and boring and lovely until Chip passes, and then you will get a little crazy. But I am right here. You are safe. You are well. You can do this. Don't let the pain and fear cause you to close yourself off from these experiences, as each one is orchestrated exactly for you, to help you advance on this journey through this physical life. There are many books to write, many people to help, there is much life to be lived, and most importantly to us, much love to be shared. Our future self awaits. And I have a feeling it is going to be one hell of a great time.