Friday, March 15, 2013

Five Months

It is almost inconceivable that it has been five months since my beloved transitioned from this earthly existence and entered into his spiritual journey. How many tears have I shed? How many memories have I desperately resurrected, in order to preserve them? There is so much. So much. The shock and the pain are diminishing slowly, to be replaced by different emotions altogether. I miss him so much, miss the sound of his voice, the loving touch of his hand, the bristle of his beard against my cheek. The exquisite pressure of his shoulder against mine as we sit side by side on the couch, or the soul connection we shared while sitting on the "lovey log" while walking the loop in the field.

There are so many memories. And even though I know he loved ( loves ) me dearly, now I realize just how much he showed it in his actions. He was fiercely protective of me. He wanted me to be happy above all else. He gave me the gift of his time, which is so precious, even when he might also have wanted to be on his tractor bush hogging, or some other activity that fulfilled him so. If I wanted it, really wanted it, he made sure I got it. I only just now got the fact that Buck was the ultimate gift from him. He knew. He knew my heart needed an escape from real life, from caretaking, from the fear and grief. Horses brought us together in the beginning, they continue to be a connection. Oh, how I wish he had been able to work with me and Buck. Can you imagine what a wonderful, well trained horse he would be by now? I wanted to show him what Buck and I could do together. Yes, I can work him myself, if I can summon the courage to do it. I believe I have it within me, and Chip will be my guide. On horseback we can turn into music.

And I, too, took great pleasure in doing things for him. Packed his lunch every day, put special reminders of my love in there, always a sweet surprise. And if he wanted a piece of equipment, he got it. God, how he loved his new tractor with heat and air conditioning and cd stereo. That thing is more luxurious than a cadillac. I wonder if I showed him how very much I love him. Does he know? One always guesses , once the opportunity is gone. Does he realize how my heart and soul yearn for him? Did I treat him like he so richly deserves to be treated? I know we had those conversations. It's just that now, now I can't hear him say it. I long to hear him say that he knows how I feel. Life has blessed me. I have no regrets. I know that I did everything I could , gave of my heart and soul. I was blessed to walk this earth in the company of a great man. I hope and pray that I earned that blessing.

And our journey is not over. It has only just begun. Though I have fear as to the uncertainity that the future holds for me, I look to that future with open arms and open heart. My beloved will walk by my side. There is no division between our existence. It is merely perception. Someday I will discover the answer. Our souls will dance in joy.


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