So it seems as if I am really on a roller coaster lately. Oh, hell, who am I kidding. I am always on an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday was a day of lazy contemplation and grounding. Today started out rough. Bonnie came over and we started to go through the shed/barn to get it cleaned out and ready for demolition. It took every ounce of emotional strength I had to not lose it. Every thing I picked up was some little treasure that Chip or Bernie had squirreled away for "just in case we need it". Who am I to decide what is worthy of keeping and what is to be disposed of? They used to keep all the old hardware, rusty nuts and bolts, screws and nails. And all the old tools, and horseshoes, and bits of wood and metal. And all of my gardening stuff, the pots and flats and tools that I gathered to use in the greenhouse that I would someday run. All precious memories. All things that I wonder why we kept, but what will I do without? Isn't life hard enough right now? Do I really want to welcome this pain into my life as well? See, it's all about change. Things seem to be changing so. And nothing I can do will stop it. Even the fields are evolving. Trees that he and I would stop and rest beneath are now blown over by the storms, laying in the woods waiting to be converted to firewood, or to return to the earth as compost. The shed needs to be removed and replaced, as well as the fence in the yard, trees removed, excavation done. I want everything to stay the same. That is where all the memories are. It feels as if I am throwing away our past. It is just so hard because these things meant so much to Chip.
Then there will be a new barn. It will be completely unfamiliar and I just don't know if I will be able to create new memories with it. In so many ways, my scared, childlike self wants to just run and never look back. Instead of being excited for getting things accomplished here and making the place beautiful, I am so paralyzed by the inhibitions I am experiencing.
And you know, also I am wondering if I will ever be important to anyone again. Will someone look forward to hearing from me? Will someone feel that excited trill in their heart when they think of me and wish that I were there right then to give a big hug? Will someone stop what they are doing and think " Damn! I wonder what she is doing right now? "
Again, these are hard emotions to put into words. Being vulnerable is scary. But when I look back at this post sometime in the future, I hope that all of this is resolved and I will have a deeper understanding of myself and my emotions. This is a process, and nothing comes as easily as we would like. I know that there are others out there who are going through the same things. Feeling the stress and guilt of having to move on with their lives, in every aspect. I realize that up until now I have been pretty much stagnating. Because it was safe. Safe to ignore the fact that the old barn needs to be replaced. Safe to keep things just as they were because that is where it was comfortable and familiar. Because that is where I imagine Chip was happy. But safe is not necessarily a good thing. I have been growing, awakening and evolving. And the more I want things to stay the same, the more I prohibit my own growth. And Chip is all about me growing. Remember how excited I am when I learn new things and have new experiences. Last night I was out until 2:00 again, having fun with Bonnie, chasing phantom 4-wheelers in my hayfield ( a story for another time). And making friends with some dude on a website. And getting that tattoo and going places I have always been afraid of going, etc. etc. etc. These were not things to be done with Chip. We had our own adventures together, and we had our own "out till 2:00" times. We have our own memories of all the love and good times we shared. And just like he had his super adventures before we met, the encounters with the movie stars and all the traveling and horse training and showing, now he is telling me it is my turn. And as much as I wish I could have these experiences with him, I understand. Now is my time. He is still here with me, he will share all of my adventures, every step of the way. And a big thing I am getting from him is that I should not feel one ounce of guilt. I am to go and live my life and find bliss. He gave me a message this morning in my sleep, and I am so grateful for it.
Things are going to be ok. I have a deep sense of peace and contentment right now. I know there are people who care. I know that my mentor is on his way. I know that I am on the path to discover my true purpose and that I will have a peaceful blissful fulfilling life. I will be able to help others with my words someday. Someday, people will read my book, or attend my seminar and find healing and peace. And each step of the way, I know that my beloved will be by my side.
In the awesome words of Journey: Don't Stop Believing!