Lots of insights the last few days, actually. First, on Sunday I had such an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment. I may have mentioned that in yesterday's post, don't remember, but it is worth repeating. Felt like all was well with the world and my spirit felt light and free. Took a couple of walks and really just relaxed. Remember this feeling. It is the best I have felt since before Chip got sick. Not that that was his fault. I do not blame him, of course. Just saying, that it was a very soothing day and I would very much like to continue to feel this way.
Now, first day at the new job. God, I love these people!! ( And I am not just saying this because you may be reading it - I said these things before I knew you read this blog, Mr. BMK ) Lots to learn and my head is swimming with all the information I got. Really, I just want to be certain that I do well and make them proud. Hey, I have excelled at every job I have ever had. Just give me a little time to assimilate the information and I will come out of the gate running and bucking. ( A little cowboy reference there ) But seriously, the people there are just amazing. Everyone is so nice and friendly.
Part of this blog is to maintain my integrity, be true to myself and say what I am inspired to say. I have to be authentic. This is all part of my healing. Not sure if I will ever heal completely, the wound is so great, but I am sure giving it my best. I won't give up. Brad S. gave me some insight tonight that I knew instinctively but never allowed myself to acknowledge. I am going to be growing and evolving, learning and doing things, taking chances that I never would have attempted if Chip were still here with me. But God, what I would not give to have him back. I would give anything. Now, I know exactly what Brad means. And that realization is bitter sweet. Chip NEVER, ever held me back in life. Actually, he encouraged me to push my limits, seek my bliss, go outside my comfort level. But he always protected me, always took care of me. Now, without him, I must push past the fear, fear of the known and the unknown. There is a path unfolding before me and I must boldly and bravely go forth. When he was here physically, he was always able to give me that big ol bear hug and tell me everything would be all right. And I knew it would. In his arms, nothing else mattered. Do you know how much I miss that? How frightening the world is without him? I know. I have been kind of " sheltered" . He got to have his adventures early in his life, working with directors and movie stars and training horses. When we met he was all settled in and ready to chill. His bliss is the farm and the life that farming allows. And I segued right into that life. Ok, so my dreams of becoming a professional rider, or an actress, fell to the side. But what really were the chances that I would actually accomplish something like that? But I gladly gave all that up to be with him. He. The love of my life. What else could ever be better than that? Look at all the things we have done together. The adventures we have had. The love we have shared. Nothing, NOTHING, could compare to that. No dream is as great as the love that we have. Now I have to make decisions for myself. I have to become a whole person again. No depending on someone else for support. And I know that lately I had been searching for that support outside of myself. It is all in here. I have everything I need to do this. Just have faith and allow the Universe to do its magic.
So while I understand and accept that I am now doing things that I never would have done, oh how I wish that it could be back to those old " boring" days where we would meet up after work and fall into each others arms. Well, Brad S. like you said , that is exactly how it still is. Except the work day is a little longer on my side.
And, after all, he is still here watching over me, cheering me on. So what are the adventures to come?
Will I get that tattoo to honor him? Will I develop the skills I am seeking to become a better, more sensitive and effective soul? Will those new skills allow me to serve others and find my true purpose? Time will tell. As I grow, I will become better equipped to join the dance of life.
May you all dance along with me.