Friday, April 5, 2013

New Beginnings

Well, yesterday was my last day at the old job. I have to say, a lot of people really showed me they were going to miss me. Never really knew that I was so liked. Got lots of hugs. Both Harry and Dave gave me big ol bear hugs, which I love. Will really miss Beth. She is such an awesome friend. But like I said, we are the kind of friends that will continue to stick together. Looking forward to new beginnings with new (and much more positive) people. I have been experiencing an overwhelming feeling of peace and well being, like I am on the right path.

Kind of a funny feeling: memories resurfacing. Every time I see a white van ( have been seeing them a lot lately ) I remember Chip. I remember how excited I would get to see him pull into the driveway and know that in a few seconds my love would be in my arms.  Also went for a walk today and the memories were flooding in. The big rock, the fallen trees, the pond, the lovey log, etc. Every sight was a memory. And then into the garage, where all of his things still are. No, I cannot bear to move anything. I have the rest of my life to do that. So the feelings are both happy and sad.

Lots of ideas for fixing the place up. First a chainsaw and lots of work and getting the front yard cleaned up so I can get new fence installed there. A new front door. A new shed in the back yard. Install the pond back there too. And some other landscaping. Then remodel the bathrooms and get new carpet. That should make my little cocoon perfect. Then that makes me sad too, because I will be changing things without him. Good Lord, he is still by my side, he is encouraging me to live and enjoy, don't you think? And remember, these are things that we already talked about doing. I will just be moving forward on our plans.

Have 2 more bales of hay to move out to pasture this weekend. I was going to do it today but I went shopping instead and picked up a couple of blouses. The cows are out grazing and even though there is not much grass out there right now, in a few more days there will be plenty. Then time to mow the lawn.

Still haven't worked through whether I should keep the other farm or sell it. So much to think about. But it's not going anywhere.  Except I have to tell Josh if he can have the hay this year or not. Aughhhhh. But if I lived in a little house in a neighborhood with a white picket fence, maybe I would not have all this work and stress, but also I would not have the lifestyle that I have come to cherish. I can't give up. I won't give up. Are you proud, Chip? I have really been thinking hard about this. Part of me wonders if it is one of my lessons to figure out how to do this on my own. That is hard. I can do a lot of things, things that most other people wouldn't think of, wouldn't possibly attempt. Anybody else spent 6 hours with your arm in a cow, pulling a calf? I'm proud of my abilities. I'll try almost anything. But, really, Chip was always by my side, always there to catch me when I fell ( even literally) . Hell, when Buck exploded on me, he picked me up off the ground. Can I do this? And what direction do I take? Show cattle, beef cattle, breaking and training horses? ( although, see above, I may be getting a little old and brittle for that ) I just want to make Chip proud, just want him to be ok with my decisions.

Well, I haven't been terrified lately. I realize that the Universe is working to guide me on my path. Just gotta chill and allow. Funny, but instinctively I feel that I need to go one day at a time. I have always been a worrier. Then when Chip got sick, I realized that no amount of worrying about the future was going to change it. Worry only wastes precious time. Still, there are those moments that bring me to my knees. Well, you all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. But anyway. Dammit! I am pretty awesome! I can do anything I set my heart to.  But I can plant the seed and then trust and let Nature take over. The sun and rain and earth will nurture that seed, then I can harvest it. And share it. Part of my path, I think. Really, I think I have come pretty far. Many more adventures to come.

Hope you will travel with me.

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